Author Archives: Cheryl D

Getting Over the Shame

Thank you for all of the well wishes on my 6 month birthday. I feel blessed to be sober and not craving a drink. It is truly a miracle. I am also grateful to my sponsor for her love and support especially during the early days of sobriety and my relapse. I am also grateful to all of you for your love and support during the last nine months.

Being sober is truly a blessing. I look forward to each day. I am productive, creative, loving and compassionate. But sobriety is also a journey that allows one to closely examine oneself. How many people get the opportunity to look inside and change who they are for the better? At times during my journey I have an overwhelming feeling of shame associated with the disease of alcoholism. It is not self pity, but sadness that I feel because I have let down those close to me. Have any of you had the same feeling? Have you overcome it? And if so, how?

Annihiliation

Today, our topic comes from this paragraph of “There IS a Solution,” on page 18 of the Big Book:

“An illness of this sort – and we have come to believe it an illness – involves those about us in a way no other human sickness can. If a person has cancer all are sorry for him and no one is angry or hurt. But not so with the alcoholic illness, for with it there goes the annihilation of all the things worthwhile in life.

It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer’s. It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents – anyone can increase the list.”

It’s pretty clear which sentence dominates the paragraph. It’s the one that called to me as I was hunting for a topic for this meeting. I thought about it for a long time, and decided this was it. TRUTH. Alcohol truly did annihilate everything that was worth something in my life, especially those I loved the most.

It took my most meaningful relationships and threw them in the trash; it took my license; it took my freedom; it took my pride and ground it into the dirt; it took control of my LIFE. And not just MY life, but my husband’s life, my mother’s life, my son’s life. All who truly cared about me got pushed aside when alcohol came around, which, let’s face it, was ALL the TIME. But, on the bright side, at least I can say “WAS.”

I am currently sitting at 385 days, 12 hours, and 29 minutes. I have EARNED my One Year token and it feels amazing. I can’t wait to add more to my collection. I keep them in my wallet and when I’m feeling low I pull them out and look them. I need to learn to do that when I’m angry, too. Otherwise I might end up letting alcohol take control and you know what that means: TOTAL ANNIHILATION. Because anger breeds resentments. And we can’t let that happen. So I work my Step 4 like a BOSS and keep coming back.

This paragraph jumped out at me because it’s HAPPENED to me. Has it happened to you? Please feel free to share your experience with this disease and how YOU annihilated it. Strong language for a strong substance. I love it.

When It Works

It doesn’t matter how much time you’ve accrued in the program. Life can still reach up and bite you in the arse. I’ve learned this recently from personal experience. An aging and ill mother and a family of neurotic daughters have presented me with a most valuable lesson: it only works when I work it.

Since I moved from Virginia to Texas 1-1/2 years ago, I’ve been relaxing my work at the program of AA. Really backed off meetings, reading, contacting other sober people. The vast majority of my sobriety was linked to GROW – and that is the saving grace. But when the family s&^t hit the fan, I wasn’t prepared. I wasn’t on solid spiritual ground. It threw me for a very painful loop.

This is my history in AA. I work it, and things get good. When things are good, I think I can take a little vacation. Then things get bad. They can get real bad before I finally realize what I’ve done. When the pain gets bad enough, I pick up the tools again. Then, low and behold, things get better.

This week, I’ve been going to more f2f meetings. I’ve given out my phone number and picked up a few. I started working the steps again with a woman I admire greatly. I’m working it again. And I feel so much better. I’m no longer upset at the sisters. The pain is almost completely gone. Isn’t it amazing what a difference it makes when I actually do what I preach!?!

So, that’s what I’d like to hear from you wonderful women. What happens when you ‘take a vacation’ from the program of AA? And what do you do about it?

Troubles of My Own Making

Monday made 8 years that I’ve been without a drink. That is staggering to me. It feels like I was just getting sober, yet at the same time I can feel the years behind me. What I have learned through those 8 years is that all my troubles were of my own making. Even now, when things come up, I can point the finger right back at myself. I’m the culprit. All those days for 15 years I made my own trouble. I feel like kicking my butt from here to the end of the street!

Knowledge that I caused my own problems is major. I stumbled through recovery for several years trying to get the hang of it. I surely didn’t see that I was the problem at first. But once I finally did, wow! It was like the skies parted and I could finally see where I was going and I could see the plan and understand what AA was offering me. I realized I had to work on myself first before anything else. I certainly couldn’t help anyone else until I’d worked on myself.

Now 8 years down the road I am grateful, so very grateful for my journey. I figured out A LOT and I took the steps to fix them. I couldn’t wipe away all I had done to myself and others, but I could make amends, even daily amends for the wreckage of my past. I had to learn that I am responsible for my own life and if I didn’t alter how I was living, thinking, and doing the problems would start all over again. The recognition that I caused my problems is KEY to my recovery, but it must be followed up with a change in behavior. That change results in different actions in my life and it results in a renewed me.

I’m grateful for each and every day under my belt. To have 8 years makes me tear up and leads my mind down the path of memories.not the memories of my pre-recovery life, but the path of memories of my life in recovery. I accept who I am, am proud of the immense growth, and am humbled by every day as well. From here on out I have to keep one foot in front of the other and keep living the Program. I must recognize that my life is what I make it and that it should be made up of joys and gifts not drunkenness and misery.

Have you come to the point where you recognize your problems were of your own making? What are you doing to fix that?

The Need to Change

The need to change Laura came to me through my HP and long-time AA members. Once I experienced the relief and blessing of not having to take a drink when I was happy, sad, glad, angry, upset, etc., the ‘need’ to change became a ‘want’ instead. As the saying goes, AA is not for this who ‘need’ it but for those who ‘want’ it and I wanted desperately what you had.

I couldn’t change everything all at once, but by learning and working through the Steps with my sponsor and listening to those who came before me, I realized that I had to change many things about myself if I were to remain sober. Thankfully, I learned that ours is a lifetime program and that there is no graduation date because it will take more than a lifetime to change/remove some of my character defects.

What have I needed to change? Many, many, many aspects of my character; i.e. I had to admit that I needed help from others instead of being too stubborn to ask for it or to even admit that I needed help. I needed to accept myself for who I am and am still working on loving the person I am. A former sponsor of mine told me that every time I looked it the mirror, I was to say, “I love you” which would help me to change my opinion of myself (this one, I’m also still working on J.

The first thing I needed to do was to get help to stop drinking and my HP provided exactly what I needed. In sobriety, I have been able to build and maintain friendships and leave my drinking buddies behind. I needed to make time to listen and help others by giving away what was so freely given to me. I needed to become more health-conscious about what I put into my body and how I take care of it; i.e. quit smoking. I have had to follow instructions and advice given by healthcare professionals instead of dismissing them without even trying their suggestions (contempt prior to investigation?). I have become aware of and grateful for the many, many blessings I have received in my life.

I would not change the last 24 years of my life in sobriety for anything. I have slowed down quite a bit due to age and health reasons but due to the Grace of God and you people, I am sober today. The compulsion to drink was removed as soon as I became serious about getting sober. I have regained my self-confidence and self-esteem, and have learned a lot about what makes me tick, found my Higher Power who I call God, joined online AA groups, became a sponsor to a few, and found my niche in the AA way of life.

What changes have you been able to make so far in sobriety? How do you feel about these changes? Please feel free to share on this topic or on anything that may be troubling you. I look forward to hearing from each of you.

Expectations, Excape, and Practicing These Principles

I’ve had this one year anniversary in my life before with this program, but the big difference is that this time I am now truly a “grateful” alcoholic. For some reason, it kicked in at some point in the last year that I am not being punished by the fact that I am “unable to drink like a normal person,” but that I have instead been blessed with an affliction that spurs me, almost every day, to have spiritual and emotional growth.

Much of that is about the tools I am learning to address my “expectations,” and “practicing these principles” on a daily basis. This is a focus of Chapter 6 and Step 12 (and kind of a continuation of last week’s topic from Leona). We don’t have to have “gone through” the other steps (I’ve realized we are never truly “done” with the steps, they are circular and need to be continually revisited) to use these words of wisdom on a daily basis to help our entire life feel more manageable and joyous. The following quotes help capture this topic for me:

“When we first read that we were to “practice these principles in all our affairs,” some of us didn’t understand. How could we use the Twelve Steps to deal with conflict in a personal relationship or a decision about buying a house? Gradually we realized that “practicing principles” means taking specific usable pieces of truth out of larger truths and applying the smaller principles to a different situation …” – A Hunger for Healing, by J. Keith Miller, p. 196, 199, 210

“There is an old joke about the difference between a neurotic and a psychotic. The psychotic truly believes that 2 + 2 = 5. The neurotic knows that it is 4, but can’t stand it. That was the way I lived most of my life, I could see how life was but I couldn’t stand it. I was always feeling like a victim because people and life were not acting in the way I believed they “should” act.” – Robert Burney M.A, http://joy2meu.com/Serenity.html

“As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day “Thy will be done.” We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.”- Page 87 of the Big Book

I grew up taught to expect that if I was “good” and did “the right thing,” then I would be rewarded (money, success, love, happiness). At some point during my early adulthood, I realized that this is not always the case. I could wake up every day and try hard and yet still not get what I thought I should. People don’t always treat us right just because we treat them right. Money doesn’t always come right away just because we work hard. Health isn’t always ours just because we eat right and exercise.

Bad things happen. A lot of bad things have happened in my life (just like I know have happened to most all of us). In my early 20’s I discovered that alcohol could help temporarily ease my disappointments. When drinking, I could “escape” for a little while. I could have “fun” and forget that I didn’t have what I expected, or think that most recent bad thing hadn’t happened. As long as I kept drinking, I was let off of my expectations and I wasn’t responsible for whatever happened.

After many years of using this form of escape, I realized that alcohol was not a choice anymore – it was out of my control. It was making me fat, sick, and stupid, and it never really lasted long enough. The temporary escape was followed by pain, and I could not keep drinking enough to blot the disappointment away or I would die. I had to look for a different solution.

Through AA and study, I realized that my life was truly “not that bad” in the grand scheme of things, and I found *gratitude*. I’m still scared sometimes about money and losing everything, or seriously losing my health, but overall things are going pretty well. This last week was one where I was tested daily and my expectations had to constantly be adjusted.

I mentioned to a friend that things were overall pretty good but I was just “waiting for the other shoe to drop” (go bad again). She said, “Teresa, what if this good life now IS the other shoe? What if you are on a path that since life earlier dealt you so many bad things, now life will be good for you?” Hmmm. So I am thankful for “what is”.

I’ve learned to use healthier options when expectations are dashed and the urge to escape arises. I now mostly use prayers, meditation, time in nature, time with family, friends, and others in this program, and positive activities like reading, writing, music, hobbies, and movement. Sometimes nutritious food, or a nap or good night’s sleep is just what I need.

I’ve come to realize that while I cannot control things, people, or events, I can use my connection to my higher power and let go of the things I can’t control. I can focus my energy every day to make the changes that I am able to make, so that my life is one where my expectations are realistic and positive, and I usually don’t feel the need to escape. I am truly grateful for where I am today, and thankful for this opportunity to lead this topic.

So.my questions for you ladies to consider this week are:
– Which AA principles and practices are you using to manage your own expectations?
– How are you using this program to build a better life for yourself, so that you don’t need to escape?

Prayer, Meditation and Self-Examination

For this week I have chosen the last paragraph of Step 11, page 105 of the 12×12 (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions).

The sentiments expressed about prayer, meditation and self-examination hit the nail on the head for me because those three activities interwoven for us and by us alleviate the awful loneliness deep in the heart of every alcoholic. The paragraph follows:

“Perhaps one of the greatest rewards of meditation and prayer is the sense of belonging that comes to us. We no longer live in a completely hostile world. We are no longer lost and frightened and purposeless. The moment we catch even a glimpse of God’s will, the moment we begin to see truth, justice, and love as the real and eternal things in life, we are no longer deeply disturbed by all the seeming evidence to the contrary that surrounds us in purely human affairs. We know that God lovingly watches over us. We know that when we turn to Him, all will be well with us, here and hereafter.”

Please share your feelings and ideas about this section; for me it underscores the great meaning of spiritual over material values making truth, love and justice the real and enduring things in life despite seeming evidence to the contrary that surrounds us.

HOW you work the program determines WHO you become

It takes honesty, open mindedness and willingness to become Willing, honest and open-minded.

Page 47 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

” When, Therefore we speak to you of God, we mean your own conception of God. This applies, too, to other spiritual expressions which you find in this book. Do not let any prejudice you may have against spiritual terms deter you form honestly asking yourself what they mean to you. At the start, this was all we needed to commence spiritual growth. To effect our first conscious relation with God as we understood him. Afterward, we found ourselves accepting many things which then seemed entirely out of reach. That was growth, but if we wished to grow we had to begin somewhere.”

For me – I was told to stop fighting, everything and everyone. That mostly meant I had to stop fighting me. I had to give up my preconceptions and my “belief system’ After all, look where it got me. . LOL. I find this paragraph was very important to me to “make a start” on my spiritual journey.

It gave me permission to examine, and explore. It gives me permission to evolve and change. It gives me permission to throw out what isn’t working. If it don’t feel right, chuck it out. I tried to be a good Christian, I listened in church, heard the hypocrites on the church steps even louder. It felt wrong, and uncomfortable. I searched for a spiritual solution in alcohol, pot, and other things … I took a very long road to get here, demoralized and shunned by my family and friends.

I held on to my belief system until I was in so much pain I couldn’t stand it any longer. I had to start asking questions. I had to become honest enough to be open- minded and pain will make me willing every time. The relationship that has grown out of the exploration that I started with drugs and alcohol, has led me full circle back to the “beliefs” and knowings I held true as a child.

Since we have so many new people struggling with a concept of a higher power and our topic last week that a psychic change is “necessary” to this new way of life, I thought we might discuss this paragraph. Let’s see how willing we were to become honest and open-minded. I look forward to reading all your journeys.

Personality Change

I am celebrating 1 year of continuous sobriety on June 3rd, 2013. I can honestly say it has been the best year of my life. I was at a f2f meeting Saturday morning and we were talking about sobriety being like a flower blossoming.

It doesn’t matter how far down the scale you have gone, or how old or how young. Something that was once so closed off and buried has now opened up to greet the world. That is truly how I feel. It is spring and the flowers are all around me, not only in the natural world, but in the invisible spiritual realm.

One of my favorite pages in the Big Book is 567 & 568. My spiritual awakening has been about “the personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism.” I thought I was a pretty decent person when I came into the rooms. I just had a little drinking problem that could not be self-willed away. I had been lying to myself, of course.

I was so selfish, I couldn’t even see that my biggest problem was me, not the alcohol. After a couple of weeks of meetings, my husband said to me, “I am really proud of you. I like the changes you have made.” I didn’t really understand at the time what was going on inside of me, but it was producing good results. Other people were seeing things in me I could not see. I went to 5 meetings a week during my first 3 months. I stayed close to the program and continue to do so.

I began to form a relationship with my HP that I call God. I realized I had been turned off by religion because of other people’s opinions. It had nothing to do with God. This I learned by reading the bottom of page 568, “the principle of contempt prior to investigation.” After I pushed aside all the opinions which I felt had been pushed on me, I began to realize I had never checked things out for myself.

Today I know that God loves me, as he loves each and every one of you. I have “tapped into an unsuspected inner resource.” With the help of my higher power, I live in the essentials of recovery, willingness, honesty, and open mindedness, 24 hours at a time.

I heard a fellow alcoholic share recently, “This disease is about character defects.” Then another chimed in, “Well I’m definitely a character, and I’m definitely defective. With AA, I’m a whole lot less defective than I used to be.”

Please share about your own personality changes/spiritual experiences or anything on your heart.

Coping With Wanting to Isolate

This meeting is a miracle! I am typing as my daughter sleeps next to me. She is 10 months old now and has been very ill all week. I was only able to get to one F2F meeting this week. But I can get to GROW no matter what is happening, and the fact that it’s my week to kick off the meeting feels like my HP watching out for me.

I signed up to lead the meeting because I am still relatively new to GROW, and wanted to make myself “a part of.” Before I started AA, I so wanted to feel a part of, but I didn’t. Most of my life, I felt different and alone. I truly believe that I was born with the “ism” of alcoholism long before I picked up a drink, and that that “ism” told me I wasn’t good enough and that I should isolate – the same mindset that tries to get me to isolate and drink today! And then I went to my first meeting, and I felt so loved and so comfortable.

The point is, the fact that I feel welcome in AA meetings – that I feel I belong and that I keep coming back – is nothing short of a miracle. We are people from all walks of life but who share a past and a hope for, a commitment to, a different future. I see this whenever a newcomer turns up – we are all thrilled for him or her, though we are strangers. Where else do we see that?

Of course, it is important to work on our part in this – continuing to attend meetings and helping newcomers feel welcome the way we felt welcome, and continuing to resist that isolating tendency in ourselves.

So my question for you all is – when you feel the need to isolate today, how do you cope with it? And (which is perhaps a related topic) how do you help newcomers today? Or, if you are relatively new, what keeps you coming back?

I ask this because I find that I still have that tendency to isolate in me, and I have to fight it – especially in the wake of postnatal depression. I look forward to hearing your experience, strength, and hope. Thank you so much for letting me share.

Because I am Sober…

This has been one of the most difficult weeks I can remember. It started with a major car repair, but that was only the start. My 85-year old mother, who has dementia, fell and shattered a femur. Emergency surgery was required. Yesterday, I spent several hours at the hospital trying to keep an agitated old woman in bed. It was very hard in more ways than one. This experience has brought to mind the mixed blessings of being sober.

Before this event, I was going to talk about all the wonderful things in my life that sobriety has brought. Now, it’s more than that. It’s the fact that I can be present in the most difficult times when before I would have been as far away as possible. Yesterday, the first thing I’d have done on leaving the hospital was buy a six pack. I’d have drunk myself into oblivion and then pouted the rest of the weekend.

Today, I can be present. I can be there when I am needed. I can also make mistakes. I know now that, if I had left the hospital earlier, my mother might not have become so agitated for so long. I didn’t know. My sister had to tell me that long hospital visits are not good for her.

I made a serious mistake. But I am not beating myself up over it today. I can make mistakes, and it’s okay. I am slowly learning to forgive myself, to show the same tolerance for myself that I would for anyone else. Now, THAT is a MIRACLE!!!

There are so many more blessing of sobriety. Courage is one. Courage to make a loan application. Courage to buy a house. Courage to retire. Courage to walk into a room where I don’t know anyone.

Willingness is another. Willingness to try something new … without booze. Willingness to listen to people and follow their advice. Willingness to keep my opinions to myself rather than start an argument. Willingness to sit in a hospital for five hours with a bat-s%^t crazy old woman. Willingness to leave. Willingness to entertain a new concept of God and to build a spiritual life.

Freedom is a big one. Freedom from slavery to a bottle or a pipe. Freedom to be who I am without fear of others’ judgment. Freedom to live in the moment. Freedom from fear. Freedom to feel my feelings without letting them dictate my behavior.

Being sober has changed everything. But mostly, it has changed me. Today, because I am sober, I can live a relatively normal life with relatively normal relationships. Because I am sober, I have a longer life expectancy, a happier family, stability, and peace of mind. What more could I want?

What has being sober done for you?

Practicing These Principles in All Our Affairs & Thinking Things Through

In order for me to stay sober today, I must practice the 12 steps every day and invite my higher power into my life every day, and I try to be mindful to thank my higher power for the day sober and take an inventory at night. The only thing that I’ve been diligent about is working the 12 steps. The second thing is definitely asking my higher power to guide me. I do forget in the evenings to be thankful and that is something I need to work on.

For me today the way to be diligent in my program and to continue my sobriety is to remember to “practice these principles in all my affairs” and “think things through”. I’m blessed to have had a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps, and I try to carry the message to those still suffering in and out of these rooms. And practicing these principles in all my affairs means not just in the rooms of AA, but also out in the “real world”.

In the past year- year and a half, I have had what others may look into my life and say, “plenty of excuses to drink and get drunk”. In September 2011, I had emergency back surgery which was the second time in my life same area of the back. Seven months later while stopped to make a turn I was rear-ended subsequently having a second emergency back surgery on the same area this time much more serious having disc replacement screws and rods. That was May 22, 2012.

In December 2012, my mom had hip replacement surgery and had to take care of her. Talk about practicing these principles in all our affairs and standing by our 12th tradition, “placing principles before personalities” that was a true test of my sobriety, seriously!! I love my mother; however, she is a very difficult person to live with. After that, it kicked in my illness and I have been struggling ever since.

End of January, I was laid off my part time job I had been doing for the past 5 years. It is and was the only job I could do with my disability as it was from home, and I got to design the job around my needs. About that time, I was diagnosed with a rare disorder that I’m told has probably been misdiagnosed for many years. It at least explains why I’ve been feeling like my health has been declining. The good news is there is a possible solution for it which I am engaging and now. And I believe that HP took care of my job situation. I was going to have to resign. (HP works!!)

There were many times, especially when I was caring for my mom, when I was so broken down emotionally, physically, and spiritually that the thought of a drink pass through my mind. (Yes it is true, even with 20 + years, it still happens!) But that’s exactly what it did it passed through. You see today I’m able to stop, pause, and “think things through.”

There’s been so much that has happened to me in my 20 years of sobriety that would bring a person to their knees. When things bring me to my knees, it’s exactly where I need to be to ask my higher power for assistance. It’s exactly where I need to be to think things through, “is it worth taking a drink over this? What will I feel like afterword, and what will it do to my health both mental and physical?” All of my answer is always points to absolutely NO WAY is it worth drinking over this.

I am not a complainer the only reason why I explained the top things was is just a snapshot of one year. I deal with so much more on a daily basis being physically disabled and having chronic illness, however drinking is just not a part of my life anymore, and thank HP nor is it an obsession. Over the last 20+ years the program has proven to me that if I choose to work the steps, invite my higher power into my life, practice these principles in all of my affairs and think things through – I can, have and hopefully always will be able to get through anything that life throws me sober. For me when the road gets rocky, I’ve learned to look for the solutions rather than live in the problems.

In the last year I’ve been more active in another 12 step program which deals with my chronic pain and chronic illness. The reason why I am mentioning this is that although chronic pain and chronic illness is a big part of my life, I am an alcoholic first and foremost. I’ve notice that in the past couple of months I’ve gotten very what I call “squiggly”. The other 12 step program, although I’m very active in, I do service work, sponsor and what have you, does not and is not addressing what needs to be addressed and that is my alcoholism and behaviors.

Just because I stopped drinking doesn’t mean I stopped being an alcoholic and this has been a huge reminder that I must stay diligent in my AA program. There was a time in my program when I went away from meetings, didn’t have a sponsor, and I can tell you that I felt the way that I feel now. Sort of disconnected and acting as if I am “drinking (behaviors of negativity, discontent, etc).

I’m happy to say that I do have an AA sponsor, and it had been suggested that I up some meetings in AA hence wanting to go ahead and chair this meeting and hopefully start a commitment to start sharing here and making my online meetings for AA.

I’m also very excited to report that my back surgery appears to be successful, and I am able to get to the computer better than I had before. I’m not quite ready to be able to make face-to-face meetings; however, I hope to be held to do that by the end of the year. I am left with some perm. damage to the nerves and such, but am learning to live with it. Thank HP for online fellowship and meetings! No excuses for sure!

So as for a topic, I originally had the second part of the 12th step in mind, “practicing these principles in all our affairs;” however, I also seem to have talked about, “thinking things through”. When I look at the two together I guess they go hand-in-hand at least for me. So I look forward to hearing your ESH (experience, strength and hope) on one or both of those subjects.

We will love you until you can love yourself

I didn’t know why I drank when I came into AA. I drank to feel, I drank not to feel, I drank because it seemed to be the answer but I didn’t even know what the question was. By the end of my drinking, all I knew was that I drank because I had to. I truly believed alcohol was my lifeblood. I thought it was keeping me alive.

I’ve often heard it said in the rooms that we stop when the next thing we have to lose is more important to us than alcohol. The next thing I had to lose was my life, and I was getting to the point where I didn’t think I was worth saving.

Numerous overdoses, where I took dangerous amounts of painkillers after a night of drinking, and didn’t know whether I’d wake up the next day, were a daily part of my life. I was constantly suicidal, in and out of emergency psychiatric units and didn’t really expect to make it past the age of 26.

I’ll never forget the love and kindness that was shown to me right from the moment I walked through the door of my first meeting, even though I would burst into tears whenever someone was nice to me. It felt so alien, so wrong. I just didn’t believe that I deserved to be treated so well after all the bad stuff I’d done through my drinking.

It was that kindness that kept me coming back – the glowing smiles from people who seemed so content, the people who gave me a hug when I was in the depths of despair, the people who encouraged me to share what was going on for me and the people who said ‘come back next week’. I felt safe, I felt like I was being held.

A woman in AA once described the ‘razors stabbing my soul’ and how I needed the spiritual equivalent of lavender balm to begin to heal the wounds of my past.

Even though I was sober, I was so full of self-hatred. And without the alcohol to cover it up, I had no escape from it. I felt so far from being happy, joyous and free, and so I needed a new solution that couldn’t be found in a bottle.

My experience of working the steps with a sponsor, talking to other alcoholics, attending regular meetings and committing to the program has been just the ‘lavender balm’ I’ve needed. I’ve been given the time, the understanding and the love I need to feel like a worthwhile person.

When I first heard someone in a meeting say ‘we will love you until you can love yourself’ I laughed. The concept was completely alien to me. But as I get further into recovery, I’m beginning to be able to accept myself exactly as I am, and even finding that I quite like some parts of myself.

I have learnt – I am enough.

I do my best to treat myself and others with the same loving kindness and compassion that was shown to me today. Even if it’s just a smile, a hug and a ‘welcome’ to a newcomer who is going through the same agonising self hatred and despair. Someone might just come back because of it.

Dealing with Resentments

from “As Bill Sees It” p. 39

“Resentment is the Number One offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have also been spiritually ill. When our spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.

In dealing with our resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions, or principles with whom we wer angry. We asked ourselves why we were angry. In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened.”

“The most heated bit of letter-writing can be a wonderful safety valve- providing the wastebasket is somewhere nearby.”

1. Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 64-65
2. Letter, 1949

I’m grateful to be here and grateful for all of you. I have been quiet and haven’t been posting for quite some time. This is good that I am chairing as it forces me to actively participate. I always read all of the posts and am grateful for each of them. To be honest, I have been very overwhelmed with reading all of the posts, because I also participate in another online AA women’s group besides GROW. Then I get down on myself, because I have trouble keeping up. Before I know it, I have another resentment brewing which leads me to the topic/reading that I chose.

I am feeling pretty angry at this time, because I have some resentments. Some of you may know that I relapsed again three weeks ago. At that time, I wasn’t going to many meetings, and I was having some resentments towards my work and some of the people that I work with.

I also had stopped working on my 4th Step. I completed my first 4th Step last summer with my previous sponsor. I have no problem doing another 4th Step inventory with my current sponsor. Since my relapse I’ve been going to more meetings – just about daily. I’m going to women’s only meetings, and I have changed my location of where I go to meetings. I have to drive over 30 minutes to get there, but I feel that it is well worth it. There was a lot of rain and flooding which resulted in road closures. As a result, I couldn’t get to my meetings – there was absolutely no way of getting there.

Instead of going to other meetings somewhere else, I chose not to go. Not a good idea. I missed a few days of meetings but doubled up on some of the other days. I’m now back to going to my regular meetings – the roads are now open! Well you can imagine that I was resentful about the roads being closed.

Today I have a resentment towards my husband. You see, he called me to see where I was – he just got home, and I was doing an errand. I answered it while driving, and I got pulled over by the police. The town I live in has a hands-free cell phone law while driving. I got a ticket (my first in many years) and have to pay $120! Not only do I have some resentments, but I am also upset with myself!

I feel very overwhelmed and anxious at times and have such a hard time prioritizing and getting things done. There are so many things that I want to do: lose weight, start exercising, dog training for my three beagles, put away Christmas decorations, work on my 4th Step, read the Big Book, go to meetings, etc, etc! I know that my sobriety has to be Number 1 – I do know that, and I do want that!! I am so sorry ladies to be all over the map and rambling! I have such a hard time putting my thoughts in writing!

How do you deal with resentments? How do you prioritize and get things done? I feel like I still have this spiritual malady that I just can’t seem to overcome. How have you overcome the spiritual malady? I look forward to reading your shares! Thank you so much for reading all of this! I am very grateful to be of service!

Dr. Bob on Humility

Two years ago while my job, my family, my health, and my sanity were all in jeopardy from my drinking and drugging, I realized my bottom as I found myself cold-heartedly calculating if it was better to carry out my own suicide or follow through on my plan to murder my husband. I did not feel that I had any other options, so I believe God put his finger on me right then and turned me towards AA one last time, where I found myself in an online women’s email group like this one. The support from those women just amazed me! I found my sponsor there, and even though she lives 2000 miles away from me, it works!

Despite the distance, I believe it works because we are both willing: she has always been willing to carry the message of Alcoholics Anonymous and tirelessly share her experience, strength, and hope with me, while I, for the first time in my life, have been willing to listen and follow directions no matter what I thought about it.

I immersed myself in AA online and locally and knocked myself out to follow directions because I was terrified of what I might do if I drank again. I learned that my problem is that I have alcoholism, a three-fold disease (physical, mental, and spiritual), that I have an allergy to alcohol, and that when I drink I compulsively want more no matter what the consequences might be or what my intentions were not to drink again after the last time I sobered up; I am powerless over alcohol.

I learned that the solution to my alcoholism is not in my hands; it is in my Higher Power’s hands to restore me to sanity, but I have to be willing to ask for the help and do the work. My sponsor taught me to pray on my knees first thing every morning and ask my Higher Power to please keep me sober that day, and then thank my Higher Power on my knees again last thing at night for keeping me sober that day. I did not really understand what was happening, but I followed directions, and the miracle was that for the first time in my life I was staying sober!

I will never forget when I was about a month sober I was going to drink over a family drama early one morning. It was too early to call my sponsor, and I sure wasn’t going to call anyone else, so I had one foot out the door with my car keys in my hand to go buy a bottle of vodka when I realized that if I talked to my sponsor she would tell me to get down on my knees and pray for my Higher Power to please keep me sober.

I really didn’t believe it would work, but I went into my bathroom, locked the door, got on my knees and really prayed for the first time in my life; I begged God to please, please keep me sober! It was an amazing experience, and when I stood up I did not have the compulsion to drink anymore! It has become my truth now that I have never drank any day, any time, any place when I have asked God to please keep me sober–it is a relief that I do not need to worry about drinking today, so long as I keep following directions!

My favorite line in our Big Book is “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.” I really thought I was too sick to get well when I got here this time, but I took that line to the bank when I surrendered first to following my sponsor’s directions and then to my Higher Power as we worked the steps.

I think the beautiful thing about this program is that my experience is not unique, it can be duplicated by anyone who gets a sponsor and just follows directions. There is not one area of my life that has not been markedly changed for the better as a result of immersing myself in this program!

I love all of the AA literature, but by far my favorite reading is about humility in “Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers.” When I am in meetings in my home group, they usually pass the reading to me to read because they know how much I love it. Here it is; I hope you get as much out of it as I do.

“Christ said, ‘Of Myself, I am nothing — My strength cometh from My Father in heaven.’ If He had to say that,” Dr. Bob asked, “how about you and me? Did you say it? Did I say it? No. That’s exactly what we didn’t say. We were inclined to say instead, ‘Look me over, boys. Pretty good, huh?’ We had no humility, no sense of having received anything through the grace of our Heavenly Father.

“I don’t believe I have any right to get cocky about getting sober,” he said. “It’s only through God’s grace that I did it. I can feel very thankful that I was privileged to do it . . . If my strength does come from Him, who am I to get cocky about it?”

On his desk, Dr. Bob had a plaque defining humility:

“Perpetual quietness of heart. It is to have no trouble. 
It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore; 
to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing 
done against me. It is to be at rest when nobody praises 
me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a 
blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the 
door and kneel to my Father in secret and be at peace, 
as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about 
is seeming trouble.” 
(Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, p. 222)

Please share about anything I have touched upon and especially please about Dr. Bob’s plaque defining humility, for it describes the way I try to live my life sober, and it always does me good to hear how you try to live your life sober! Thank you for my sobriety today!

Letting Go

I am a grateful alcoholic. Isn’t that an oxymoron. How can anyone be grateful for a deadly. disease that nearly destroys everything in its path. However I am truly grateful.

My higher power never gave up on me even when I gave up on myself. By the grace of my higher power I am alive today. I understand now why it is important to give away what I received because it is in giving that I truly do receive. It is one of those many paradoxes of our program.

It reminds me of a special prayer…the peace prayer or the St. Francis prayer which too is about the paradoxes in life:

Lord, Make me an instrument of your peace. 
Where there is hatred, let me bring love. 
Where there is injury, pardon. 
Where there is doubt, faith. 
Where there is despair, hope. 
Where there is darkness, light. 
Where there is sadness, joy. 
Where there is discord, harmony. 
Where there is error, truth. 
Where there is wrong, the spirit of forgiveness.

O Divine Master, Grant that I may not so much seek 
To be consoled as to console. 
To be understood as to understand. 
To be loved as to love. 
For it is in giving that we receive. 
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. 
It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Our program offers nothing new only a way for us to live life on life terms. The other prayer which is inscribed on our chips and truly inspires me is the Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 
the courage to change the things I can, 
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Bill W once said, “Never had I seen so much A.A. in so few words”. It is so true. The amount of courage it took for me to take that very first step to admit, to surrender that I am an alcoholic, that I was not in charge…was intense, to say the less. I was in an hopeless and lifeless state of mind and as someone said “the over-reliance of self blocked me from the solution”.

Even in the BB on page 62 “.[the alcoholic] is an extreme example of self-will run riot”. I was. I was scared to let go. I was trying to survive the only way I knew.

Not one of us realize the amount of strength we have until we actually do the work. For me I wanted to recoil because the intense pain and inadequacies I felt I couldn’t do it however somehow my higher power believed in me more than I did myself.

So what is this higher power? No one has ownership over it or can package it. Whatever belief or non-belief we may have, it does not matter…it is so different for you and for me. For me when I surrendered and let go…I open myself up to receive. My teachers are everywhere…in service, prayer, meditation, nature or on a busy street, even in the trenches of life. The opportunities for growth are there.

Lately, loneliness has entrenched itself deep inside me and this as we all know is truly a deadly recipe for any alcoholic. The intensively of it just radiates throughout my body and simple things trigger all the negativity within my soul. It is that feeling that I want to run from, to drown out, to deaden. As I spiral, I find myself wondering aimlessly doubting my every step.

Funny how easily that wanting to control the uncontrollable comes back. To take back that power I so freely gave as the point of desperation. By the grace of my higher power in helping other alcoholics, giving away the gift of life I received. I receive the gift of remembering where I came and where I am today and in doing so I gladly turn it over, I surrender. Like my many teachers, even a feeling of loneliness can become an opportunity to grow from.

My dear GROW sisters, we travel this path together. Please share your experience, strength and hope of letting go, accepting the opportunities of growth … so that another can grow.

“It’s the gnats that get us”

I don’t know about you gals but I have learned to walk through the big trials in my life with the lessons I have been taught in this program. Over the years there have been family deaths. Suicides of friends and a sponsee. Loss of dearly beloved pets. Financial losses. Illnesses etc. etc. etc. This program and good sponsorship has given me tools to handle these things. Reaching out, getting to more meetings, talking at depth about my feelings to God and another human being. Prayer and lots of it. Of course there is a grief process to go through and I usually go through all the stages until I get to acceptance, but I can do so with some degree of serenity and dignity.

Then here come the gnats I have to be somewhere and I am stopped at a light while it changes from red to green 3 whole times. Don’t they *know* I have to be there. Someone does or says something that hurts my iddy biddy feelings and I brood and have conversations in my head and build up a good resentment. Then I get that knot in my stomach that tells me I have to go to that someone and make amends because I have usually said something bitter and sarcastic by this time. This absolutely can ruin a whole day when you let it, as I did recently when I got through the whole day until reading Page 86 when going to bed. I had to get up and go find my husband and make amends for my retaliatory comments which were cruel.

So ladies, how do you handle the gnats? Does the honesty and integrity learned in this program force you to come clean?

I look forward to your shares. Of course, please feel free to discuss what is troubling you. Glad that you are all here.

Acceptance

Acceptance is the answer so I’m told by the wise ones who’ve gone before me. We have to accept used cars AS IS when we purchase them. All the flaws and all the good points have to be accepted. A used car is NOT perfect and never will be. It will always have something not quite up to snuff. So, we also have to accept ourselves AS IS, for we are not perfect … we have faults, flaws, gashes, and welts. We have good qualities and we have bad. We have bad times in our memory banks and good times. Why, oh why, are we so very reluctant to accept ourselves AS IS???

I think it starts with the fact that acceptance itself is hard. We want to be different people; we want a different past. We stomp our feet in protest, “Why should I have to accept myself?” It’s actually really simple. If you ever want to heal, if you ever want to grow, if you ever want to move on, you must, must accept yourself. And that means accepting yourself just as you are. Sure you can improve on yourself, but the starting point is to accept your present self. Once you’ve done that you have the answer to the riddle … the key to the castle … the golden egg.

How do I know this? Because I’ve been there! I’ve crawled those roads, I’ve figured out the answer, and I’ve come out the other side. I spent a lifetime hating myself and not accepting a thing about me. I wanted it all changed. I fantasized about the person I really was … I escaped my misery with those fantasies. I was miserable until I worked the Steps and found the courage to accept the person I really was. Then, and only then, I could move on from my past and work on who I was. I’m still not perfect, like any used car, and I never will be. I have flaws. I just no longer have flaws that cripple me.

Have you accepted yourself AS IS? How did you do it? If not, can you?

Trust

“You will be amazed before you are half way through.” When I read that I think about my life, that I am amazed before I am half way through each day I live sober! Take for example that my husband and I could laugh together as the water began to drip/pour through our bathroom ceiling yesterday. We were grateful that we had a ceiling and that it only leaked in one spot! If that’s not making lemonade out of lemons I don’t know what is! (We knew this bathroom ceiling had an ice dam problem when we purchased the home, but as it was already covered in snow by the time we closed escrow we were just going to have to wait until Spring to repair it.) At any rate, my dear husband was on the roof in no time yesterday and cleared the dam of ice and snow so that all of the melting snow remaining on the roof no longer drains INTO the house!

OK, here is the TRUST part. The laughter was able to flow because I just knew that my God had it covered. I TRUSTED that He would lead us to the solution. It was not just an idea or a pinch hit prayer, I just knew to my core that everything would turn out perfectly! I happily dropped everything I was doing (I thought I was painting the OTHER bathroom this particular afternoon) hopped in the car and drove the 30 miles to the “salt store” for supplies. In the past, my old behavior would have made a big deal out of the leak (drama), made a big deal out of having to give up my afternoon agenda (martyr) made a big deal out of the drive (inconvenience) and probably figured out a way to blame the one I love for the ice dam! Good grief.

Happiness for me, is born of TRUST. I see faith as something in my head, an idea I suppose, and TRUST is an action I take and it is an action born from my heart. Many years ago while on a quest to increase that conscious contact with my Higher Power I was given a book titled “Ruthless Trust”. The first five pages of the book knocked my sox off! Today I know that there will always be “……an endless supply of pancakes.” I know that “The most urgent need in my life is to trust what I have received”. And that it is not clarity that I need, in fact in the words of Mother Teresa; “Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of.” When I was reading that quote in the book, a light went on for me.

I had been looking for clarity all my life. Clarity in the bottle, and then clarity in sobriety. What I realized was that I don’t need to understand why I am living in a house with a leaking roof, I just need to TRUST that my Higher Power will lead me to the solution and that while leading me, He will put enough pancakes on my table.

So there you have my day in a nutshell. It has taken me 20 years of not drinking to get here! I would not change any of it. Nope, because again, that is the stuff that weaves the tapestry of who I am today. If I were to pull one thread from the past and discard it, the rest of me may completely unravel! I TRUST that all of it has happened for a reason and I no longer need to understand why. There is so much freedom in TRUST for me. Thank you for being a part of my sobriety!

‘Pearls’ of Sponsorship: What has worked for you?

I have heard vastly differing opinions on when you are ‘ready’ to be a sponsor, ranging from ‘as long as you are one step ahead of them’ to ‘x’ number of years. ‘Sponsoring styles’ also differ tremendously….. the amount of contact – “call me if you need me” to “call me every day”…… ways of doing the steps – ‘”follow the outline in the big book” to the in depth Hazelton style…..and the relationship with your sponsee – best friend, impartial advisor or something in between. Having frequently read the chapter ‘Working with Others’ in the Big Book I chose this topic to tap into the wealth of experience that I know is within this group and also to help new and newer-comers like myself with the growing pains of this aspect of our recovery.

I know there will be many differing views and encourage them all to be shared in this non-judgemental forum, where we learn from each others’ ESH. I also invite shares on specific ‘sponsee issues’ we may be dealing with as sponsers that may be helpful to others when answered to the group as a whole, keeping in mind the importance of preserving the anonymity and confidentiality of our sponsees.

So there is our topic, and I have nothing to offer on the ‘what has worked for you’ section but would like to start the ball rolling with a sponsee question.

I have just reached the two year sober mark and have had my first sponsee for about 6 months. It was both an exciting and scary prospect to take on the role of sponsor, and has been both a rewarding and frustrating process. I have experienced the lessening of the focus on self as I work with another alcoholic but have also found myself falling back into the role of ‘director’; meaning, ‘if my sponsee would just listen to me and do what I tell her to do she would do much better in her recovery.’

Even though I utilize my own sponsor’s experience and strength there have been times I felt I needed a 12th step call for me from the group as I was so baffled on how to proceed! My sponsee and I are different in every way except for our experiences with the disease of alcoholism. I have struggled with how to respond to problems that, only by the grace of God, I have never faced and I wonder whether our differences are an obstacle to my sponsorship. As a first time sponsor I think I am probably willing to do more and accept more excuses than maybe I should. How do I find the line between enabling and helping?

I am excited to read your ‘Pearls’ as I believe that in everything we build our own style by ‘taking what works for us and leaving the rest’ of the experiences of ourselves and others.

Firsts

Being new to sobriety, I find myself experiencing a lot of “firsts” without alcohol. It has been a step-by-step process, doing things for the first time without alcohol.

For example – the first time I had steak without the wine. It had gotten so that the steak was just an excuse to have the strongest wine I could get to go with the steak.

I love to walk in my woods. But it had gotten to the point that I walked in them mainly so I could drink the alcohol stashes I had out there.

Then there was the first time I went to a family gathering without being fortified with alcohol first. I hate those gatherings, because I never really fit in with my family, even as a young girl. Eventually, I could not face them without drinking first, and hiding some to drink while there.

Grocery shopping is another thing I did alone so that I could buy all the alcohol I wanted and hide it before I got into the house. Just after I stopped drinking in August, I got deathly ill and it was a long time before I could drive myself. I remember going grocery shopping alone not long ago, and freaking out when I passed the alcohol section. It was like looking at a rattlesnake!

So, about how to do those firsts without alcohol. I have made myself focus on the moment of the first. The first steak without wine, I made myself focus on the smell, the texture, the taste, the beauty of the steak. I love iced tea, so I made myself think about the taste of the tea with the steak and how it actually let me enjoy the taste of the steak better than the wine did!

The first walk in the woods without alcohol was a little scary. Not because of the woods – I have never been afraid of the forest. What I found that I feared was the exquisite sounds, colors, smells that I now experienced for the first time in years! It was almost overwhelming! So I focused on just a foot in front of me. Just that tree. Just that one bird. Just the next step on the path.

And the first family gathering? I wore something that pleased me. I put on my favorite fragrance. At the gathering, I focused on one person at a time and let myself really see them and really listen to what they were saying. I refused to let myself dwell on past feelings. I stayed only in the moment. Each moment. I took a lot of photographs to stay busy and to watch family members interact with one another.

Grocery shopping has become a joy now, as I peruse all the aisles and enjoy choosing products. I still feel a little weird going by the alcohol aisle – so I make sure to look the other way and focus on some product or display and truly SEE it and process it – not the alcohol display.

I guess what I am saying, bottom line, is ALLOW the first to happen. Breathe deeply and focus on each moment of the first. Remember, as you experience a first without alcohol, what that activity was like when you were drinking – how it turned out, how self-centered or angry or whatever you were when you did it drunk.

With each first, I am seeing what I was missing when drinking through it. I am now grateful to actually be in the moment without the drunken haze that hid so much from myself.

Share the first without someone who knows that it is a first for you. Tell someone before you do it, and process it afterwards. My sponsor has been great, as has my husband and adult daughter for me to do this with.

Practicing These Principles in All Our Affairs

I have been a lurker for quite some time now and I really have no excuse except fear. There have been numerous times when I have felt the need to share but always I have managed to convince myself that what I wanted to say was irrelevant or something that had already been said or even on occasion thinking that no-one would care to hear what I have to say especially because I have lurked for so long! I took on the lead because I knew that way I would share and maybe break the cycle in my head!

What I would like to talk about is how we go about practicing these principles in all of our affairs. This has come up for me in terms of honesty. It can sometimes be easy to behave and talk a certain way when face to face with AA people, but what am I like when away from the meetings or with people who don’t have a clue I’m in AA?

Am I still scrupulously honest or do I whitewash my dishonesty calling it ‘little white lies’? Do I cheat the shop assistant wherever possible? I have to admit that my own brand of honesty makes it impossible for me to steal anything even ‘accidentally’. I take back to the shop anything I find after I leave! (Which is very easy for me to do as I’m in a wheelchair and often I pile things up on my lap and when I get to the checkout occasionally things fall down into the cracks).

Do I justify my anger? Do I disagree with people, insisting that what I believe is the only way or that I’m right and therefore you must be wrong? Do I gossip? Oh yes, and disguise this with a, I don’t usually talk about others but have you heard? Or, did you know? Am I self-supporting or do I insist others bear my costs because they earn more than me or they’re luckier than I? Am I controlling? Do I swear? Do I indulge in self-pity? Am I a glutton? Do I get jealous and hurtful or spiteful with it? The list goes on.

What I do to combat all this is write a journal with meditation, prayer and AA reading. Although I have to admit that I have only recently taken this up again after an absence of some months. The thing that had become apparent o me was I was not practising these principles in all of my affairs.

So, I would love to know how other women in GROW “practice these principles”, and what tools you may use to help.

Attitude of Gratitude

This week’s topic is gratitude in our lives. What are you grateful for in your life?

Contemplating things we are grateful for in our lives increases our blessings and makes us realize how blessed we are. I was told early on in sobriety to make a gratitude list every night before going to bed and list ten things I am grateful for.

Although some days it was hard to find ten things to list, I did it anyway and found that once I got started, it was hard to stop at ten things. I could list many more! It changed my focus from thinking how awful things were ( an attitude of self-pity) to one of realizing that my life was pretty darn good.

Please share how an attitude of gratitude has worked in your life and share some of the things you are grateful for in your life.

Terminally Unique

What a great time of year for this alcoholic, remembering my first days in this awesome program and being so grateful for all those who helped me so much.

One thing that comes to mind is being gently told & sometimes not so gently that I was not unique. If I wished to be “terminally unique” the chances of my drinking again were darn near 100%.

Terminally unique is an alcoholic’s idea that their “uniqueness” exempts them from some part of the AA program or the Twelve Steps. AA does not deny that each individual is a unique creation. However, as alcoholics we have far more similarities than we have differences. It is unwise to focus on the differences. There is an expression sometimes heard in AA which seems appropriate, “Always remember that you are unique — just like everyone else.”

This was an important lesson for this alcoholic that I try to keep fresh in my mind. When I say yada yada but…….then I know I need a refresher course and / or a kick in the butt on being honest!

I would love to hear how all of you have approached “being unique.”

Going on a Guilt Trip? Who’s Your Travel Agent?

We ALL have them: guilt feelings! They center around pretty much the same old things for everyone, even as alcoholics. Guilt about parents, guilt about parenting, guilt about things we’ve done (or not done), guilt about not doing enough (at work, at home, for someone, etc.), guilt about our failings, and so on and so on and so on.

We often finding ourselves saying things like, “S/he sends me on a guilt trip…” But, really. WHO sends you on that guilt trip? Your mother about all you didn’t do right? Your kids about your failure as a parent? Your boss for work less than stellar by his/her standards? Your husband? Brother? Friend? Neighbor? The bottom line is, we are our OWN guilt trip travel agent! WE listen to them, and WE decide to go on that trip. WE decide all the time to listen to the stuff that ‘sends us on a guilt trip.” But, in truth, we go searching for those trips ourselves when we allow ourselves to be convinced to go.

So. That means we can also decide NOT to go searching for those destinations by not being around those who seek to send us. If we cannot avoid them, we can choose not to listen, or at least not to be sold on the trip. EVERYBODY is guilty of SOMETHING. But we don’t have to exhaust ourselves by continually travelling those roads. We can go down new roads to new destinations; take detours off the old, too-traveled paths. We must consider new destinations of our own choosing, and then bravely step into the mode of travel that will take us there.

Discovering Your Understanding of Your Higher Power

Yesterday at my f2f meeting we discussed step 2. So the subject of God as we understand him came up. This has never been an easy topic for me. One member shared that when he got sober he claimed to be an atheist but he was so angry at God that he wasn’t an atheist because if he was that angry at God he had to believe in him so…. not an atheist. I never claimed to be an atheist but when I walked in I thought God wanted me dead. That was my best thinking drunk. Hard to ask for things from a power that I didn’t think want me alive.

So at first I was told to borrow my new AA friends’ Gods. They told me their HP loved me and wanted good things for me and would keep me sober just for today. They said it didn’t matter what I believed about HP at that moment because their HP worked, they were proof of that. It was a start.

They taught me to pray, when I said I couldn’t remember to do it in the mornings they told me to put my shoes under the bed and when I got up in the morning when I went to get my shoes from under the bed ask HP to keep me sober that day, and when I went to put my shoes under the bed at night thank HP for keeping me sober that day. I did it because I trusted them more than me at that time.

Over the years I have struggled to define what I believed HP to be for myself. I have searched and read many things, but I also made sure that I kept an open mind and continued to work the rest of the steps to the best of my ability.

I have tried on many religions over the years and learn about what others believed asking myself if that fit what I believed to be true about my HP. I have let go of many old ideas, including that God wanted me dead, although there are still days when it’s hard for me to believe that HP wants good things for me and that is when I go to the HP with skin, the fellowship of AA, to remind me that HP does want good things for me today if I surrender my will (definition in dictionary: used to express desire, choice, willingness, consent).

Since no step can be worked with anything like perfection, this journey is a process that continues. This is all a spiritual journey. Ask me on any given day what I believe my HP to be and it will change from day to day. So the question is not what I believe so much as what am I doing to define my HP that day.

So how are you currently discovering your understanding of your higher power. What are you doing to define HP in your life today?

The Family Afterward

I have 3 grown daughters, 26, 25, 23….amazing, brilliant, dear, kind, beautiful through and through young women. It says in Chapter 9 of the BB, pg 123, ” It will take time to clear away the wreck. Though old buildings will eventually be replaced by finer ones, the new structures will take years to complete.”

The girls needed to share about certain things from the past….not asking for anything from me except to listen. They asked about Step 9 and amends and we talked about that as well. They asked questions about AA and recovery in a way they never did before. We cried, I cringed some, they were fervent at times, well, all sorts of emotions. It felt like heaven and hell at varying times.

Having the girls (each in their own way) share what they needed to, feel what they needed to, was a miracle ladies, a miracle….yet another step in our healing as a family and in their healing as magnificent women.

Having a program that I work on a daily basis, a sponsor that I am extremely close with and work my program with, a strong relationship with HP, and strive to use a variety of our recovery tools one day at a time, (and all of this is what I was taught like all of us!), it was ok, more than ok….listening to others is a gift of this program as well and knowing that everyone has their own path to follow and it isn’t all about me. (whew!!) Healing is a verb and we were taking action as a family!

Journey from Self-Hate

When I was drinking no one, and I mean no one, could hate me as much as I hated myself. This hate was fostered when I was a child growing up without my father and with a venomous stepfather. The world wasn’t much less venomous. I was smart, tall, and wore glasses, so I was constantly made fun of by my peers and strangers. I tried to put up a good front, but inwardly I was full of festering hatred for myself. Becoming an adult and beginning to drink to excess made the situation so much worse. I would look in the mirror and scowl. I was literally disgusted by what I saw. I’m not an ugly person yet inwardly I was hideous.

Time went by and I became this hideously deformed creature and the hatred bubbled to the top of the surface. It was now peppered in my words, actions, and expressions. I kept losing friends. I was so alone. I spent years in turmoil. I couldn’t see one good thing about myself, not one redeeming quality. My misery made anyone around me miserable. They could see the hate. I couldn’t. I was so blind to what it had been doing to me all those years and how it had contributed to my drinking. I had no self-respect, no self-image that was an iota positive. I’m unsure exactly when it happened; but, by some point I could no longer look at myself in the mirror.

All of this certainly contributed to my feeling I lacked worthiness to be saved. I felt I was right where I deserved to be. It took the love of a man, a man who saw who I really was and could be, to knock sense into me. His love made me put down the margarita and say, “That’s it. No more. I want more than this. I need help.” I sought out help in AA and immediately felt something I had never felt in all other groups: acceptance. Acceptance for me exactly as I was. I was in tears. I’d never, never felt accepted in my entire life. It took until age 36 before I felt it. Then I learned about the Steps and how they are used to retrain our brain and attitudes. I learned in sobriety I could learn to like myself. I’m afraid I didn’t believe that at first and for a while. I had SO much hatred!

In time I became a new person.a person I truly like and love. I can look at myself in the mirror now and even smile. I’ve come so far it’s bringing me to tears. All the misery is gone and replaced with love and joy. I have bad days like anyone; but, I never dislike myself. I’m no longer ugly inside and what’s brimming on the surface now is happiness, true happiness. God is responsible for that, fully and completely. And I’m grateful for my first sponsor who accepted me and included me in her little group of women. She taught me so much and stays with me today.

What has your journey been like?

Balance

Living a sober life turns out to be far different for what I thought a life-without-alcohol would be. It is a whole lot more fun than I would have believed back in the early days. It contains way too many choices, positive choices, than I would ever have believed possible and it seems I still have my training wheels on for that aspect.

I believe in service-to-AA and routinely do my part to do coffee and chair each of my regular meetings during the year. Then the chance to contribute service to our local annual Women’s Day In Recovery event became a choice so I added that for the past four years. Our district lacked an Answering Service Chairperson a little over 2 years ago, so I volunteered for that. I’m Treasurer for my Home Group and I took on being “Literature” chair for a different meeting.

Bet you can see where I’m going with this. The upshot was I had no down-time left for anything spontaneous. I began to dread having to go anywhere, especially in winter, so all my AA service stopped being a joy. My internal “forgetter” works more generally than I would have guessed because I did not see that doing too much – of anything – is being out of balance.

So I rotated out of Answering Service chair, and Literature person, and Event participation all by the end of December. I’m into my second week of “normal” living and it feels odd. It feels like I’m slacking off. I’m in awe of how my alcoholic brain can twist healthy ideas into warped one.

There are many women in this group whom I’ve had the pleasure to meet in person, some whom I’ve gotten to know and value through their shares and all who teach me. If ever there were a group of sober women who understand the seesaw nature of ‘balance’ in a program of recovery, it is you.

So I ask, how do you balance all the priorities in your sober life to avoid getting tilted into harm’s way of drinking?

Your Go-to Mantra

I am sober today by the grace of God and the fellowship of AA. There are so many things I am grateful for when it comes to AA and my sobriety. The people, the experience, the strength and the hope. Also the amazing literature out there, as well.

I am a mom, wife, daughter, sister, employee, coworker and friend among other things. I am also an alcoholic and try to carve out time to make three meetings a week, as well as my three online groups, too. When the moment strikes and my thinking goes sideways on me, I am not always able to carve out time to sit down and open the Big Book.

So, I am especially thankful that I can draw upon the many wonderful one liners, if you will, that have come from those in the program. Many I’ve heard from my sponsor. Some of my favorites include: “How important is it?” “Would you rather be right or happy?” And my personal favorite, she is a big Eagles fan and she says she “strives for that peaceful, easy feeling.” So I remind myself that I want that, too! It’s these simple thoughts that can bring a sense of calm over me in seconds flat!

It is so important to make the time to read, meditate and pray to your HP. But when you’re in a pinch, what are some of your “go to” mantra’s!?

Explaining Not Drinking

Very soon, many of us will be in situations where drinking is more or less expected. New Year’s Eve may be the drunkest day of the year. So how does a newly sober alcoholic explain why they’re not drinking?

It’s important to realize that we don’t owe explanations to anyone. “No thank you” is a very short sentence. But when you’re new to sobriety, it seems like a huge issue. Won’t the people who know us wonder what’s going on? After partying hard for many prior New Years, we may feel like everyone is noticing the change.

I certainly feared what people would say or think. I already felt like a complete failure because I had to stop drinking. I was already guilty and ashamed of my alcoholic behaviors. I was ashamed that I was an alcoholic. I was ashamed that I couldn’t drink without making a fool of myself. I built the ‘explanation’ issue into a huge mountain that I just didn’t think I could climb. So, I stayed home alone – and lonely – through my first New Years holiday.

What was useful for me was to hear what other alcoholics had done to explain their sudden change. Over time, I worked out my own personal – and very true – explanation: “It makes me sick.” But my reason may not fit for everyone. Some people volunteer to be the designated driver – a wonderful way to both explain and stay sober!

For me, the short simple statement feels right. “I already have a headache” or “My stomach’s upset” work well. “I’m allergic” is another good one – and very true. “I’m driving” is becoming more understandable these days. But there must be a hundred other ways to tell your friends you’re not drinking.

There’s one other aspect of the dilemma: making sure you don’t get any booze by surprise. Bringing or pouring your own drinks is the best way to be sure there is no alcohol in your drink.

Sisters, how do/did you let people know you aren’t in the booze business anymore?

Staying Sober Through the Holidays

I am 48 Days Sober today and very grateful; however, I’ve been feeling some of the R.I.D. (Restless, Irritable, and Discontent) as we get closer to Christmas and the New Year. I not only have a drinking disease, but I also have a “thinking” disease. I have a disease that often tells me that I don’t have a disease, and I have a tendency to minimize things; i.e. my drinking history.

I’ve been in AA for over four years, and so this will be my fourth year in a row of being sober during Christmas and New Year’s. I thought by now that it would be getting easier, but I am still feeling vulnerable and feeling like an “outsider.” I still get those feelings of wishing that I could drink- especially around the holidays.

As many of you know, I went back to outpatient treatment for five weeks and finished last week. I just completed my first week back to work. I feel really grateful that I am back to work, and that it went really well. As much as I feel that I received extra support at outpatient treatment and now have a new sponsor, I still feel like it’s going to be difficult getting through Christmas and New Year’s.

I plan on going to plenty of meetings before Christmas and New Year’s. I will make phone calls to other women in the program and continue to talk to my sponsor every day. I will continue to pray and do my readings in the Big Book daily. I will have an exit plan in place in case things get to be too much for me, and I have to leave. My husband and children will be with me. I also will have another beverage that I can drink- maybe even bring my own to Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. As of now, I don’t have any plans for New Year’s which may be a good thing.

I guess I also have to stop minimizing how bad things really had gotten when I was drinking. I need to “play the tape” over in my head. Sometimes I feel like I’m never going to get this program, and a feeling of hopelessness comes over me. That’s when it’s time to get to a meeting and make a gratitude list.

I’m fortunate to be part of Gratitude Group via email and also via Skype. When I concentrate on being grateful for being sober another day and reach out to other alcoholics it puts things more in perspective for me.

I would like to know how you all have stayed sober through the holidays and/or how you plan on staying grateful during the holidays instead of wishing that you could drink and feeling sorry for yourself. I wish you all a wonderful holiday season and all the best for a happy, healthy, and sober new year.

Your Spiritual Journey

It was my birthday this week, thirty years of sober living- that amazes me actually lol I truly can remember being overjoyed at having three weeks under my belt and, well, one YEAR was just awesome And to date, one year has to have been the best one –simply in virtue of having a whole year..mind-blowing for me! Gratitude oozing out of me, just to be fresh out of and living free from the nightmare I had been in drinking . . .

My connection to a Power greater than me began early on in sobriety – in fact, right from the start. And today I know I wouldn’t be safe, sane and sober (as Clancy likes to say) with that Power in my life – it’s an ongoing connection, a vital one.

My experience led me back to the religion of my youth. Different, mind you, than when I was a youth, because I was and am able to question and move freely within the spiritual path I choose. Others around me in the Fellowship led by example, guiding me into being able to look at all I had been taught, casting away all that didn’t ‘sit right’ with me (sometimes, at a later point, I would find myself revisiting and consequently accepting some of the things I had earlier on thrown away). Bear in mind, I was and am a recovering Irish Catholic taught by Dominicans hehe….a survivor I am ..so much of what was conveyed to me then I have discarded. Many things that were said mean something totally different to me today, having been taken out of the harsh clothes of Irish Catholicism that the nuns served us up.

My reading of spiritual books began. I remember one having a profound influence — In Tune With The Infinite by Ralph Waldo Trine — I saw for the first time how love was an actual power, an energy, a force. How we are all connected as part of nature…My whole spirit exulted in this! Reading a biography of John Lennon too had a profound effect on me. My readings were diverse. Came To Believe – our own wonderful publication–opened my eyes to what others were doing. So many more — John Powell’s Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am.

If truth be told, my prayer life could do with a bit of reinvigorating at the moment. I’m being challenged in many ways lately, and my spirit is sagging, even though I am involved in service and F2F meetings and sponsoring –in other words, doing what the Book suggests.

I would love to hear about *your* journey, your insights, whether you’re a week sober or a decade. Are there any books have left you feeling inspired, excited? Are you having spiritual awakenings in little ways – big ways? Has your idea of your Higher Power changed as you’ve journeyed into sobriety?

Honesty

Growing up, my father was very strict, and he always raised us kids to always be honest no matter what the consequences might be for doing or saying something we shouldn’t have. I do not know if my parents had some sort of way of seeing inside of us kids or what but they could always tell when we were not telling the truth. It took me awhile to realize that but, once I did, I saved my bare ass many times for being honest. I tried raising my two daughters the same way, but I do know there were times that they were not completely honest.

When I came into the program, I just knew I was a very honest person so that was not a problem for me. Than I did my 4th & 5th step with my sponsor and realized I was not always the perfectly honest person I perceived myself to be, and not only to myself but others also. I was totally dishonest about my drinking and even got to the point where I would hide an extra 5th so I wouldn’t run out. Throwing empty bottles in the woods so I wouldn’t have to put them in the garbage and anyone would find them and know how much I was drinking.

I do not nor ever have wanted to hurt peoples’ feelings, so I was never completely honest with them when asked a direct question. I would maybe tell some little white lies. I stole money and cigarettes from where I worked but felt so guilty would pay it back. It was never a lot, but it was the fact that I did it and that was very dishonest. Today, I sometimes get myself in trouble with my children because I won’t lie to them and yet, if it’s something that I know will cause trouble, it makes me very uncomfortable and they know it every time. So today I let them know not to tell me anything they don’t want the other one to know because I will not lie.

It’s very confusing sometimes for me to honestly know how to handle certain situations where telling the truth can cause so many problems and hard feelings. I have recently gone through a situation like that, and it’s a situation where I don’t feel it’s anyone’s business. So how do you gals handle different situations where you know this program is a program of honesty but something happens you don’t feel comfortable being totally honest about it.

FEAR

I once heard that the word FEAR stands for Failure Expected And Received. I have allowed fear to rule my whole life. When I am fearful, I shut down. I believe I can’t do it, I’m scared to try, and I become hard on myself for thinking I can’t do something.

When I open my mind and heart to my higher power, HE guides me through the rough terrain. When I work through my fears, I look back and wonder what was I afraid of??? 🙂

As many of you know, I recently had a medical issue that made me fearful…but by discussing it, getting more information about it, and lots of prayer, my fear was almost nonexistent. When they took my blood pressure before the procedure, it was the lowest it has ever been, something like 112/70. The nurse was amazed and I told her I’d been praying a lot!

How have you dealt with fear?

The Serenity Prayer

More than any other single pamphlet, slogan or book, THIS is the cornerstone of my AA program.

God: I immediately acknowledge my Higher Power in my life and turn to Him for help
Grant me the Serenity: tells me that in the midst of whatever is going on in my life at the moment, I need to take a deep breath and go to a quiet place inside myself where there is calm and peace; I should stay there until that serenity extends to my outer self
to Accept the Things I Cannot Change: and that is everything around me; my control over change starts inside me and goes halfway through my skin – after that, I control nothing; I may try to manipulate or influence or threaten but nothing will change because of that behavior on my part – I am not in charge
the Courage to Change the Things I Can: change is difficult and usually unwelcome; it’s a lot of work and it might be painful to me; if something is amiss in my life and there is no alternative available except to change, then I want you, Higher Power, to grace me with as much courage as necessary to do what must be done
and, the Wisdom to Know the Difference: I need to know the difference because if it is something outside of my control (see above) then I need to let it go (there’s a slogan for that! Let Go and Let God); if the situation is something that is within my power to change (also see above) then I had better get on with the job of doing something about it (there’s a step for that! Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings).
Applying the prayer in my day-to-day life for the stresses and situations (people, places and things) as I have outlined above has made a HUGE difference in how I interact with the world. This is the tool I use instead of running to hide, avoiding, over-reacting or, worst of all, drinking. It is simple; it is powerful and it is effective. When the Serenity Prayer was first discovered and brought to Bill W.’s attention he said: “Never had we seen so much A.A. in so few words”. I have to agree.

Happiness and Fulfillment

All my life, until I was in the program for quite a while, I looked *out there* for my happiness and fulfillment. It was always up to you, whoever you were, to provide it. It never occurred to me that happiness is an inside job.

After a few years in the program I got the book “Each Day a New Beginning” and the reading for Nov.17 finally clicked in. What the whole page boils down to is this “Happiness is my decision, every moment”. Happiness is the gift I get when I approach my life with gratitude. I wish that I could have this be present in my life *every* day, but I am human and my character defects and my fragile ego get in the way too often for that. If I were to compare my life now to the one I used to live – there is no comparison. I am fully appreciative and grateful for all the blessings I have and I try not to get too despondent when things are not smooth sailing. If I had made a list of the things that I wanted to get from sobriety when I got here I would have seriously short changed myself.

Every day when I wake I read pages 86-88 and ask my HP for sobriety and his guidance for my day. Then I try to do something worthwhile and be productive in some small way. I make phone calls and receive them. I stay in touch with sponsees and my sponsor and at night I thank God for my day. I truly believe that if I can keep one hand in my HP’s and the other in the hand of an alcoholic I won’t have a hand to pick up a drink.

This week please share with us your feelings on happiness and fulfillment or anything else that you need to share. It is your meeting.

“We”

I went it to a meeting on Friday that is a Big Book Study and we read from “Dr. Bob’s Nightmare.”

“Of far more importance was the fact that he was the first living human with whom I had ever talked, who knew what he was talking about in regard to alcoholism from actual experience. In other words, he talked my language.”

The preceding pages talked about the horrible place of drinking uncontrollably and not being able to stop. I flashed back to my first meeting and remembered the woman who told me her story after the meeting ended.

No preaching and no instructions, she just told me what her drinking was like and what she had done about it as a member of AA. I thought she was an angel. I too had never heard that kind of honesty about an alcoholic’s drinking.

So I would like to suggest the first word in step 1 “We” as a topic and hear how people related to other alcoholics. I will share that my most shameful ‘secret’ was that if I didn’t have to go to work, I started drinking when I got up, passed out about noon and started back up when I woke up. I was so sick and so dead inside and wishing for the end outside too. It was only in the rooms of AA that I could talk out loud about where alcoholism had taken me and listen to others share their bottoms. Remembering the ‘We” in AA has helped me so many times over the years to know I am not alone.

Amends

A mend is a tear of fabric never looks like it did, but can be stronger than it was originally.

It’s like that in the fabric of my life, too. When I think about making amends, I have to recognize the behaviors that were hurtful to me and others (step 4/5), and then I had to stop doing those behaviors (step 6/7) eventually some of those behaviors have even become objectionable. 🙂 Then I became willing to be honest with those people in my life that I had harmed.

An amend isn’t an I am sorry. An amend is about what I need to be, who I need to be, to make it right for YOU. The beauty of ALL my amends is that I have already changed in the process of steps 4 thru 7. They can see that it’s not just about “I’m sorry.”

What mends have you made in the fabric of your lives?

Letting go of bad memories

In the process of forgiving others I had to let go of that hope that my past could have been different or better. Intellectually I understood that the past cannot be changed but foolishly those thoughts would creep in my head.

By daily asking God for help, many times!, this alcoholic realized that life does not change without apology and forgiveness. Life is what it is, and acceptance leads to great freedom, as long as there is also accountability and healing in the process.

I will share later in the week on my experiences, but please, if you wish, share how you have been able to let go of the bad memories of your past.

Relieve Me from the Bondage of Self

Page 63, Paragraph 1 and 2 of the Big Book:
When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn. 

We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: “God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!” We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him.

When I signed up to chair this meeting today, I was truly in a very different place and I am eternally grateful for this program and for you. This is a “we” program and together we share a special bond that transcends understanding.

My journey towards recovery takes me back on a cold winter night. My ex and I drove to a treatment facility . I remember that drive was long and silent. That was December 5th 1998. He had no idea . I hid it so well from everyone. I was the super mom, a mom of four beautiful daughters; I was a leader in my community and on the school board. I pride myself being active in my children’s lives and in my church.

But who was I fooling? I wore the abusive words and actions of others as my own. My God was rejecting me as I was rejecting myself. Drink took the pain away however slowly it took my soul. I was dying . dying spiritually. I reached out to friends, to my church and to my doctor. I tried to stop drinking but I couldn’t. I heard of AA but what if someone saw me? I was a mom, a leader and I would disgrace them all. However I was sliding into this black abyss and nothing could stop it . nothing. So there I was.

Upon my admission, I remember entering my room at the end of a long hallway and it was dark. My roommate was asleep. I entered quietly and sat in the far bed and looked up at the mesh window, wondering . “What have I done?” Man, I felt so lost and felt that God was punishing me and I deserved the life I had . I had no hope. I was a misfit, a mistake. I wanted so desperately to leave this world. Alcohol was my friend and how quickly it became the devil himself and he won.

Somehow through that pain, I taped the pictures of my ladies (my daughters) on my desk, and they became my higher power during that dark time. I had to get better for them. The weeks ahead I slowly came out of the fog and saw how God held me through my pain. Then came the time for me to leave this sanctuary, this secure place . I lost it, I was scared. What if I fail? And something inside made me strong . we truly don’t realize the strength within ourselves during our trials. I was discharged two days before Christmas and I was determined to make that Christmas special for my children.

It was also the start of my journey in AA. I went to my first meeting that weekend and, as I entered the room, it was as if my heavy armor fell on the floor and I was allowed to be me . broken, confused and scared. And they embraced me lovingly without judgment even when I so was fearful of them. I had a bad stutter and I shook those first few months. Listening the Promises were particularly hard at that time . I thought I was one of those that were “constitutionally incapable of” and one of those who were getting the promises ever so very “s-l-o-w-l-y”. I truly felt I would never see those promises. Many times I wanted to run out of those meetings but . and the big ‘but,” I kept coming back. My sponsor was the toughest one there, and she was my angel. She taught me that suicide is a very selfish act and it devastates those left behind. And when I just wanted to give up . I kept coming back. I made coffee or chaired when I could, I worked the steps and my program.

So each December, I take flowers to the nurses of the third floor and thank them for giving my life back. The God that brought me to my knees was a god that was critical of everything I did; he was like a cranky old man looking down at me with a magnifying glass, judging me over and over. Now my higher power is like a nurturing loving parent holding me tightly, loving me unconditionally, protecting and guiding me home.

People that I know laugh when I talk of surrender. That was an area I had a lot of problem with and now have come to embrace. The bondage of self truly is a hard one to let go of and by the grace of my loving higher power I will celebrate 14 years of sobriety this December . that is a miracle. However what truly matters is that I am sober just for today.

Through those years, I have faced many trials but nothing compares to seeing your child walk a path you have walked and knowing there is nothing you can do except wait for her to see that she is not alone. I admit that I was promoting shamelessly AA to her rather than letting AA speak for itself. I found myself acting as a dry drunk wanting to control and making it all about me. I was so close to losing my own sobriety . so ever close. I never felt so helpless during that time. I found that truly this program works when you work it . I am an alcoholic, and I need another alcoholic to talk to. I was judging myself and so unsure of everything . it was like I was tightening the noose around my soul all over again.

It was during this time that I found you (the ladies of GROW), and I went to many f2f meetings . I was not judged, I was not alone in my pain and was loved for me.

My daughter has to see for herself how her actions and thinking are killing her . and those around her.

It was like watching me . I started drinking in 10th grade and crossed the line in college. I had so many blackouts that I am truly amazed I made it through school. I ignored all those signs, and AA was not even an option at that time. Through those years the self-hate grew and the relationships I had were abusive and despite marrying a man I truly love . that marriage failed.

So here I am watching my precious daughter suffer, struggle with the bondage that has gripped her life. I surrender all, knowing that I am not in control, trusting (blind trust) that she is in her higher power’s hands. She took the courageous walk to taking care of herself and is where she needs to be right now. She has to ask her higher power to relieve her from her bondage of self and allow her radiant beauty shine. And I am working on my AA and Alanon programs.

My family has a second chance of breaking the cycle of bondage that destroys lives. When I left treatment those many years ago, I changed . but did I really? . I stayed in the insanity of an abusive marriage.

My daughter is not like me and is taking those steps to recovery. Her strength and courage are being felt by my family and friends. We all have a chance to heal. Her journey will be a long as the ones each of us tread and like you, her eyes are now open.

My daily prayer is “God relieve me of the bondage of self, remove the defects of my character so that I may do your will and better serve another. Please dearest Lord have mercy on our children and help them to find their paths.”

Courage

Page 68, Paragraph 3 of the Big Book: “The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage.”

I don’t know that as a child or teen growing up I thought I had courage. I was going through bad things and surviving, but I was too young to see that as courage. I was definitely a child of faith. I believed in God and stayed close to Him. In college I lost my way on so many levels. I began drinking and lost my faith in anything but the bottle. All I needed to make it through the day and night was plenty of booze. All I needed to make it through whatever happened in life was plenty of booze. I just wasn’t living. I was so oblivious.

After 15 years of drinking and having nothing else I had to find the courage to ask for help. I had to dig down deep. I had to ignore the butterflies. I had to put away my booze and take hold of things that really mattered.things that could really help me.things that could give me back my life. I found those things in AA. My sponsor, the Steps, and the Program taught me how to have real courage and use it daily to make a real life. Being well doesn’t mean I won’t need courage anymore. It just means I will know how to better use my resources and courage is one of those resources.

Please don’t think I never faltered. I am far from perfect. I stepped in it frequently over the last 7 years of sobriety. I had to learn how to use my Toolbox and that takes time. Once I did I could face anything. How? Courage. There it is again! Now that I know how to live when life hands me a lemon I have the well of courage to draw from. I am ever so grateful for those who have played a part in my sobriety. The AA-ers who have been full of experience and strength and hope have been priceless.

How has courage played a part in your life both before sobriety and after?

Emotional Jail

“Many people are living in an emotional jail without recognizing it.” – Virginia Satir

The quote above jumped out at me. It reminded me that once we put down the booze and whatever else … our pursuit is for sanity, serenity and emotional sobriety. However, these things do not come naturally to me. I feel more comfortable with drama, chaos, tragedy & sadness. I’ve talked about the “big 5” before…I have used and abused: alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, sex and food. Of course I have been off the first 2 for 8 years now but I have struggled with the other 3 over the years.

A recent song has a line that I like……”we can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness…” How true for me. I can create situations or thoughts that keep me in darkness and sadness.

As I journey through recovery I have learned that my shadow self are my wounds…I’ve learned rule 62…not to take myself so damn seriously! To reach out when I’m in an unhealthy mind frame. Healthy tools to deal with uncomfortable emotions. My mind can bind me emotionally.

I look forward to your shares about this subject in sobriety or whatever else is going on in your recovery.

Never Say Never

“Never say Never”, this topic says a few things for me…. First off when I first became sober, it was very difficult for me to say that I would never drink again. I knew that I heard people share about relapsing, and this really scared me an early sobriety. My sponsor assured me that this would never have to happen to me if I chose to work steps, invite HP into my life on a daily basis, follow some program suggestions and practice these principles in all of my affairs.

Today, I celebrate my 20 yr. anniversary with AA, I can say I have no plans to drink. I need to keep coming back to meetings, invite HP into my life on a daily basis, I still work very closely with a sponsor and try to do service work whenever I can. This allows me a daily spiritual reprieve and to be able to say today I choose not to drink.

That’s one way of looking at never say never, for me even today, I can’t say that I will never drink again. When I get into the mind set of I’m safe, is probably when I most vulnerable–so I keep coming back!!

But for me, when I was thinking about this topic and I came up with “never say never” I was thinking about all the times and especially recently not having an open mind to new experiences and closing the door on old experiences.

As many of you know six months ago I was in a major car accident. This wasn’t the first time that somebody used my bumper to stop their car. Needless to say this time around (with some pretty strong PTSD, I went into that close minded I can almost say alcoholic thinking that I am never going to drive again.

Many people said to me, “never say never Jennifer, you will be driving again, you just need to have faith and build your confidence”.

How many times did I hear that in early recovery, “Jennifer, all you need to do is find your higher power and invited into your life on a daily basis and have faith, even if it’s blind faith, and just don’t drink today”.

This experience with the car accident I’ve had many spiritual awakenings, and one of them was how strong I believed I would never drive again. I said it with all intent and conviction.

Through the support and love of my sponsor, my network, and prayer to my higher power and faith, I did start driving again about 2 weeks ago. It’s not always comfortable, I still have a lot of fear driving, however, if I want freedom then I need to have faith that I will be okay. After all, I think of it like this:

In order for me not to drink today, I have to protect myself against outside influences … or even inside influences … I do this by having a daily plan. I invite HP in my life, work the steps and practice these principles in all my affairs. It is not a 100 percent guarantee that I won’t drink today, but the odds are good I won’t. The same with driving, I have a plan before I drive … I pray to HP, drive much more defensively and have faith that I will be ok. I am not guaranteed this, but it makes it more likely I am protected (if that makes any sense at all).

“Never say never” could be a catch 22. When I talk with people who are looking for recovery (I work in the field) I even say to them when sharing and they asked me what success rate, I would say it’s up to the person and how much they want recovery. I go on to say that even though I have 20 years, I can’t say that I’ll never drink again.

What I can say is that I know for sure that I’m not going to drink today. And what I’ve learned through my experience with this car accident, as are a lot of things that I never thought I’d be able to do again. I thought I wouldn’t drive again, It was not 100 percent sure I would gain my right leg strength back as much as I did and so on….”Never say Never!!”

It’s too concrete, it’s too final, and if I’m not on my toes and I’m not careful then I may slip up on a wonderful experience, close the door on old experiences that still have lessons or even worse get complacent and possibly drink again.

Thanks for allowing me to share, thanks for all your ESH, and thanks for being a part of my journey and helping me stay sober today and especially to all those who help me get back into my van again. Yes it’s scary, but I enjoy the freedom, and I enjoy wanting and needing to connect with my HP on a daily basis.

Adventure Called Life

I never paid attention to anyone but myself, as I recall of life before sobriety! I thought I was “hip, slick and cool”, when I was actually a disaster waiting to happen! Welllllllll, it happened – – -and I saw myself as someone no one could love – – -especially me! It has been a slow process to “uncover, discover, and discard” here in the program of AA. And that was all necessary before I could love myself! Thank God you women loved me while I was learning to love myself! I could not have done this without the encouragement and loving hands of the women in AA.

I am not judged (hopefully) by whether or not I stumble. I can only judge myself by the direction I travel. To arrive is not important. To travel in the right direction, making a little progress every day, is the true test of life, for me. My search is never done. My progress within the inner mind is never finished.

I have found that growth is the only thing which can be pursued through a whole lifetime without inducing a feeling of boredom. Things lose their appeal. Ideas become commonplace. People come and go. But growth always remains exciting – –full of surprises and promise. It is through growth that I have learned to love myself.

To remain in the world of beginning again I must continue to make the effort to grow. The alternative is slow death. I have found that my only REAL time is in the PRESENT moment . Today I give it my best shot to find something enjoyable in each precious moment. I will not come this way again. Why not enjoy it?

My sponsor often reminds me that misery is optional. Misery is inside one’s self. It is part of one’s own feelings. Today I can change the way I feel about things, people or circumstances.

Today I would not have the full appreciation of life or inner serenity without being forced to face my own weaknesses, my own limitations and my own inner failures. I had a choice of whether to continue along the road to ego-centric self-sufficiency – – -and die; or whether to make an effort to achieve self-understanding – –and live — -to enjoy life!!! THE ADVENTURE!

This has all come about through the Program of Alcoholics anonymous, for which I am eternally grateful! This is why I always say I am a “grateful recovering alcoholic”! I would never have come to this understanding without being led to this wonderful path of life through being an alcoholic.

Today I believe in myself and love myself (wellllllllllll – – -most of the time)!!!!

I find serenity and peace of mind at those times when I am in balance physically, spiritually and emotionally. I make sure that I focus on each of these at least once a day — – -just a quick spot-check, like in Step 10.

I also would not have made it without ALL the experiences BEFORE AA which led me here!

I look forward to hearing your shares on your adventures from the end of your drinking life to now – – – – getting here and changing through AA!

IT WORKS WHEN I WORK IT, and doesn’t when I don’t!

Survival

Surviving meant being born over and over.
———— Erica Jong

We have decided to live. And each day we make the decision anew. Each time we call a friend, work a Step, or go to a meeting, we are renewing our contract with life. We are being reborn. Before coming to this program we died, emotionally and spiritually, many times. Some of us nearly died physically. But here we are, starting a new day, looking for guidance from one another. We are the survivors. And survival is there for the taking.

We will have days when we struggle with our decision to live. We will want to throw in the towel. We will want to give in or give up. But we’ve learned from one another about choices. And the choice to survive, knowing we never have to do it alone, gets easier with time.

I am one of the survivors. Today is my day for celebration.

Taken from ‘Each Day A New Beginning’ — Daily Meditations For Women

I chose this week’s topic after much thought and perusal. When I came across this meditation it struck me how true this topic is for each of us in this group as well as all the thousands of other groups and even those who are in situations where there is but themselves — each person a great example of an inner grace which has risen, even if quietly, to make a decision to want to overcome our common disease which desperately tries to destroy us. We come to these decisions in all possible ways and in all possible conditions.

I forget for the most part that I am a survivor because life has its daily tasks that require my attention. But I need to take a moment every now and then to look at myself and where I am today which is vastly different from many years, months, weeks and even days ago. Even as close as yesterday. I have made great changes, decisions, mistakes, growth, setbacks and successes. I need to take pride in the fact that I am daily surviving without the need for the alcohol which fought like crazy to keep me in its grip. Of course, not that kind of pride which will cause me to forget where I was and how hard I had to fight to get to where I am right now.

I thought it might be good for each of us to speak of her own survival. Do you look at yourself as a survivor and how do you feel about it? What did it take to get you here? And how do you feel about where you are now in your journey? I almost feel at times that we need a huge celebration because we have been so fortunate to have found the solution for our addiction. I realize that we only have a daily reprieve but nevertheless even a pat on the back for a job well done. But that job is ongoing. I will take each day as it comes and continue with your help to count myself as one of the survivors and do my best to carry the wonderful message so that some other suffering woman might find herself as one of us.

Practice Practice Practice

For our meeting, I am sharing ‘practice practice practice’ as our topic. When I came into the rooms of AA, I could focus on next to nothing … slowly but surely, I started hearing and listening and seeing the sayings around the room. Looking at those, sometimes, was all I could manage in early meetings. This one stood out to me though it took time, as always, to grasp it’s meaning … at least to me.

Our AA co-founder, Bill Wilson shared that the 12 steps “are a group of principles, spiritual in their nature, which, if practiced as a way of life, can expel, the obsession to drink and enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole.”

That word practice means living, for this alcoholic today, in terms of our 12 steps. They guide my living and thinking for today as long as I work them. I have learned and continue to learn how to stay sober and live soberly by step work. The answers to how to manage a challenge, accepting it as a lesson and an opportunity for growth, watching my tongue and pen so as to not have to make another amend (though know it is the way when needed), knowing that my HP is in charge, that my life, today, as a sober woman is about service while living a spiritual life….and so so so so much more.

Ladies, the meeting is yours and look forward to reading your shares on how practicing the steps enhances your life and sobriety or whatever you need/want to share on!

To Thine Own Self Be True

Lately I’ve been quiet in this room, though not quiet in my own brain with recovery-type work. Through FaceBook, I’ve been participating in a support group for survivors of traumatic brain injury, and I’m experiencing some healing in a way I could not have if I didn’t know the Program.

Although a quote from Shakespeare (Hamlet) and not the Big Book, to thine own self be true is a phrase AA has adopted. For example, I’ve seen it on posters on the walls of our room.

I recently purchased a coffee mug from an AA gift shop with the phrase imprinted on it. Above the phrase is a bunch of fish, all but one the same color and going in the same direction. I got this particular mug because this phrase unveiled a bunch of little realizations in my brain about what the phrase to thine own self be truemeans to me.

It didn’t just say to me that it’s okay to be different; it tells me that other people’s attitudes, words, or behaviors do not determine my value. It reminds me that yes, really!, it is okay to be unique. With my value settled, I can move on to being the authentic person I am supposed to be–a person in recovery.

This week, please comment on what the phrase to thine own self be true means to you; or, as always, write about what you need to write about.

Thank you for being here and helping me in my recovery.

Simply How It Works

“Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.”

Good morning Ladies! I signed on to chair this week awhile back and did not anticipate my life changing as much as it did. Grateful for a solution today in my life. I am grateful to be a part of the best program EVER. We are a part of a program that has changed so many lives whether through our twelve steps or the lives of our friends and family who participate in the “sister” program, or for those who identified in other twelve step programs who were able to make change in their lives as a result of “following this path.”

What is this path?? I read the emails and could see the members who are struggling with this fatal, progressive disease. Please find a sponsor, read the Big Book, work the steps, get involved in this program. Work all the steps, honestly. There will come a time where we will not have a defense against that first drink, and it must come from a higher power.

“Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.” What is this path? “Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.” The word “Honest(y)” is mentioned three times in the first couple paragraphs in Chapter Five “How It Works”. What do we need to be honest about?

For me, I was dishonest about my alcoholism for so many years. I remember my father walking with me outside suggesting to try Alcoholics Anonymous for my drinking, because he felt I was an alcoholic. It was easier (at that time) to say the following: “Dad, I don’t believe that I have a drinking problem. I do think there is something wrong with me and that I am crazy. I might need help because I do the same things over and over and can’t stop.” Deep down inside, I was angry that he could even suggest there was a drinking problem. The day I finally asked for help was when a little voice inside said “it’s time.” I placed myself into treatment first because it was impossible to stop drinking for one day on my own. Upon leaving treatment, I was led to an AA meeting that became my home group and found my first sponsor.

“. usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty.” A doctor diagnoses you with cancer, diabetes, (fill in the blank). I will go to any lengths to fight this disease. An alcoholic hears “you have a drinking problem, and it is fatal/progressive which will kill you” and we say, “I have it under control.” The lie that we can control our drinking is insanity.

At the end of How It Works, we read the ABC’s. Alcohol is a power great than me. I must surrender to the fact that no one can cure me of my alcoholism. It must come from a power greater than alcohol! Lastly, I have to seek out the power greater than myself. The path mentioned in the first sentence includes the remainder of the steps. Trust God, clean house, help others. What is your experience, strength, and hope for the suffering alcoholic? Do we accept this disease is a fatal, progressive disease? How do we arrest this disease and what is the solution?

The “ISM” of Alcoholism

When I came into the rooms of AA seven years ago this month, I was desperate to quit drinking. I had reached bottom, and was willing to do whatever it took to remain sober. I was instructed to attend 90 meetings in 90 days, introduce myself as a newcomer each day (which got really old, especially around day 78 or so), call my sponsor daily. I did this gladly, because AA gave me the hope I could indeed escape the madness. I saw women just like me who no longer felt compelled to drink, who walked through life with grace and dignity. I wanted that freedom and that courage, too.

Little by little, step by step, my life began to get better. I regained my physical health. I worked through the steps and made amends to friends and family, regaining the trust and affection I had lost. Life was just better sober.

However, when alcohol was no longer an issue, I began to notice I could obsess in other ways. Whether it was ice cream or potato chips or not eating at all or too much exercise or computer games until 3 a.m. or shopping for stuff I didn’t need with money I didn’t have, I could use other substances to change the way I feel.

After all, if you take the ALCOHOL out of ALCOHOLISM, you are left with ISM. I was told in the rooms of AA that stands for: It’s still me.

So in the past few years I have come to realize I need spiritual fitness to keep my life serene and balanced in all ways. I need meetings and the energy of my sisters in AA. And I need to be always vigilant about the fact I am an addict at heart.

I recently had a nasty equestrian accident which resulted in 5 days in the hospital and lots of narcotics. Now, I never have been a drug person. But I have heard enough stories in the rooms of AA to know that cross-addiction is a real possibility for me. So I asked the doctors not to send me home with any prescriptions, preferring to treat the pain with ibuprofen. I wasn’t willing to risk another dance with the 800 lb gorilla of addiction. If I hadn’t been close to my Home Group and part of this group and firmly committed to the program of AA, the story could have had a tragic ending.

How do you measure your progress in sobriety?

I am relatively new to this online group (I think I found you in mid-May) and I thought this would be a good way to get to know you all a little better. This move to China has enabled me to find AA online, and what a blessing GROW is for me. I have moved geographically a few times during the course of my sobriety and have learned to reach out to each new fellowship to become “a part of.” That is progress for me.

The dictionary defines progress as: 
progress: n. 1. Movement, as toward a goal; advance. 2. Development or growth: students who show progress. 3. Steady improvement 4. A ceremonial journey made by a sovereign through his or her realm. (Nice one, thanks dictionary!) 
intr.v. progress: 1. To advance; proceed: Work on the new building progressed at a rapid rate. 2. To advance toward a higher or better stage; improve steadily: as medical technology progresses. 3. To increase in scope or severity, as a disease taking an unfavorable course.

I was the typical alcoholic, afraid of my own shadow as a child and isolating in the end. The booze softened those “nameless fears” that I had as I grew into adulthood and made them more manageable somehow. I have been thinking about a topic for this week. Uh oh, maybe overthinking is more like it! LOL

A topic that might benefit the newcomers a bit as they muddle through early sobriety and might aid those of us who have been here longer, is how do we take measure of our progress? On the surface it appears to be a difficult thing to measure spiritual progress as there is nothing tangible about it, or is there?

My first thought is how as a child we marked the door jamb with pencil marks and dates while we were growing up. I can measure my spiritual progress today on that proverbial door jamb! Sometimes I measure my progress by how quickly I can pause when I am uptight or in doubt. Sometimes I measure progress by boundaries I can set for myself, practicing self-care by not going into slippery situations. Sometimes I can measure progress by my level of serenity when I am surrounded by inefficiency, complacency and confusion (or mysterious China). And sometimes I measure progress by how quickly I can drop to my knees and ask my Higher Power for help.

I am a work in progress, ever advancing, growing, developing, and improving. This evolution we call spiritual growth is a process. It is all about the journey for me today and not so much the destination. Some days it is two steps forward and one step back, but as long as I don’t pick up a drink today, I am still making progress even if it does not necessarily feel like it to me! I know I am one notch higher on the legendary door jamb as long as I don’t drink even if my ass falls off.

Thank you for being a part of my “ceremonial journey through this realm”. How do you measure your progress in sobriety today?

A Short Study of the Twelve Steps of A.A.

We are all at different stages of our sobriety and have all had a variety of experiences with working the steps. In the Twenty-Four Hours A Day book it says for Sept.16- AA Thought for the Day ” The first step is the membership requirement step. The second, third, and eleventh steps are the spiritual steps of the program. The fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh and tenth steps are the personal inventory steps. The eighth and ninth steps are the restitution steps. The twelfth step is the passing on of the program, or helping others step.

Have I made all these steps a part of me?” Where are you at in working the steps and have you made the steps a part of yourself?

I work step 1 every day, and it is the only step that I have to do perfectly. I admit every day that I am powerless over alcohol and that my life was disturbed. I believe in a Power greater than myself (who I call God) and say the Third Step prayer and the Seventh Step prayer every day.

I work steps 2, 3, and 11 every day and try to remember to constantly turn my will and my life over to the care of God. I must turn to my HP for help because I am helpless without Him. I trust God for the strength to keep me sober.

I have taken an honest inventory of myself by working Step 4, Step 5, Step 6, and Step 7 (still working on getting to Step 10). I had to see myself as I really am. I am currently working on Step 8 and Step 9 and will be starting to work on my amends letters.

I practice Step 12 by carrying the message to other alcoholics and am currently sponsoring two wonderful women.

Spiritual Experience, BB Appendix II

I didn’t have any bright lights or even a minor dizzy spell as a clue that I was now a different person. In fact, I am not as different as I wish for some days! But I haven’t found it necessary to take a drink since August 1, 2009 and I am grateful to Alcoholics Anonymous and the Fellowship for that.

I don’t know when the desire to drink left me, but one day, I was driving down the highway and I suddenly realized that I hadn’t thought about have a drink in quite a while. Since I was on the highway, I had some time to think about it. think about how much time I had in the program (then about 6 months), think about what was working for me and exactly what had changed.

Later, when I read the Big Book, Appendix (pg 567 & 568) and underlined these parts, which ironically come together to describe my daily approach to this way of life! Especially when times are hard and I need to get back to basics!

“.spiritual experience. the personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism has manifested itself. experience. of the educational variety. a profound alteration in reaction to life.”

Yup! That is me for sure! Reading on I find out I am not alone! “With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource.” Some say that God resides within us, so perhaps this is what they mean. For me it was the same “inner-most self” talked about in Chapter 3, where I personally took Step 1.

Further, it says “(The alcoholic) can only be defeated by an attitude of intolerance and belligerent denial. contempt prior to investigation.”

The reading finishes with, “Willingness, honesty and open-mindedness are the essentials of recovery. But these are indispensable.” (H.O.W.)

Your Favorite Parts of the Big Book

This week, I’ve given a lot of thought to what today’s meeting should be about. I found it deeply moving that the Library of Congress recently honored the Big Book as one of the books to have shaped America. How cool is that?! I often think everyone, even the non-alcoholic, could benefit from reading it just because of the basic lessons in human psychology that it offers.

I think it would be interesting to talk this week about what parts of the book speak to you the most. What are the go-to segments you seek out when you need it? I’ve found that I never read the book the same way twice. There is always something that will jump out that I may have read over a million times before, but that million and one time can be a moment of clarity with a specific part. I recently read about freedom from self-will in the “Into Action” segment, which, again was like a lightning bolt at just the right time for me. If you are a newcomer (welcome, by the way!) what parts of the book have been especially powerful or comforting for you?

So …. tell us … what are your favorite parts of the Big Book?

Remembering Why We’re Here

In this neck of the woods our face to face meetings usually begin with the words, *Shall we have a few moments silence to remember why we’re here, and to remember the still suffering alcoholic*.

I wonder if this week we can *remember why we’re here* and think about why we came to our first meeting.

When I’m asked, I usually say it was because I drank far too much, far too often for far too long. I keep it short because I’d rather talk about my recovery but sometimes I need to remember in detail why I’m here. Here are a few of the reasons.

I came to my first meeting a crumpled, drunken mess with little brain power available to think clearly. I came because I was frightened when a friend picked me up after I had slid down a pillar at a Christmas midnight mass. (This memory stuck!) I came because I could no longer control my alcohol intake. I no longer knew whether one drink would just lead me slowly into oblivion or whether one drink would make me unconscious. I was terrified I would lose my job, comments had been made. I had been homeless for a short while and was so scared that if I lost my job I couldn’t pay for my accommodation.

I was tired of waking up, or coming round, thinking, *Did I really do that?* or, *Did I phone that person or not – and if i did, what did I say?*. I was fed up with responding to the people I’d rung without knowing it and having to create my version of events around what they were saying to me.

I’d been in relationships which had hurt me and other people and which usually ended in disaster. I had attempted suicide several times and woken to the awful realization that I hadn’t succeeded and that life would have to go on. Unsurprisingly, I had lost most of my friends.

Alcohol, which had promised me so much had led me to this point.

I like to concentrate on recovery in meetings but I also need to *remember why I’m here* because if I don’t, I might end up back where I was, and much worse. Every newcomer who talks about why they’ve got to their first meeting helps me to remember my pain, helps me to remember why I’m here.

Please share with us what you would think of in those few moments at the beginning of a meeting where you are asked to remember why you’re here. Those of you who are new to sobriety let us know what brought you here.

To end on a positive note, despite the state I was in, the decision to get to that first meeting was the best decision of my life. Beyond that despair was a new life, new purpose, new peace and so much more.

As in all our meetings, please feel that you can share on this or on anything else relating to getting sober and staying sober. I feel that every time I share I think I grow a bit and our shares certainly strengthen our Group so I look forward to listening to your experience, strength and hope.

Lessons From Sponsorship

One of the joys of my sobriety has been sponsorship. I was recently asked by two young women if I would be their sponsor, and it has taken me back in thought to all the lessons being a sponsor and being sponsored have taught me along the way.

I think that we sponsor the way we have been sponsored. I was told in the beginning by my sponsor that I must attend a step meeting, a big book meeting, and a women’s meetings as a base for my meeting schedule. However many other meetings I attended these must be my base. I have tried to pass on this message to those I have sponsored. My sponsor had me into service very early. My first job was as a greeter at the Saturday night speakers meeting and for someone who could not look people in the eye it took a lot for me to comply. I did it and I learned a lot. I have been in service to AA one way or another all my sober life and it has given me accountability and responsibility.

One of the first benefits I received from my early sponsor was the fact that she listened to me. I mean she *really* listened to me. I hope I have been able to do that for the gals I have sponsored. It is so important that you hear what *isn’t* being said, you know, the stuff that is underneath.

As nurturers, I think we can get too attached sometimes. I know that I have, and I had to be told by my sponsor that I can’t get them sober and I can’t get them drunk. That was said to me after a gal that I sponsored drank again and blew her brains out. I learned a lesson that day that I still use to this day and that is “If your sobriety becomes more important to me than it is to you, it is time for me to let go.”

During my years in the program I have had four sponsors, three have passed and my current one is very near the end of her life. She is in a long term facility in Virginia Beach with end stage COPD and lung cancer. I speak with her on a daily basis, and I am already feeling the loss of this great lady who in the very beginning of my sobriety took we new girls into her home, fixed our hair, made us tea, talked to us, and gave us dignity.

I guess what I am asking this week is for you to share with me and the rest of us what blessings and lessons you have learned from sponsoring or being sponsored. Of course, you can always discuss whatever is on your minds. It is your meeting ladies and I look forward to your shares.

Miracle of AA

I sit here on the 7 year anniversary of my sobriety very grateful.and realizing how much a miracle it is that I got here at all! It is truly by the grace of God using the hand of AA that I am here. I did not think 7 years ago that I was worth a second, or really third, chance. In time I found out otherwise. There are lots of things AA has taught me while saving me at the same time.mostly from myself.

I grew up believing I could do anything I set my mind to. I did well in school and graduated high school with honors, as well as college. I saw teaching as my future and thought I would grow old doing it. I had it all planned out. Then, life happened.

First, I began having health problems. Mainly a nagging pain in my spine that made it tough to be standing for long periods of time.sitting wasn’t a peach either. At the same time I discovered the pastime of drinking. A boyfriend believed I needed to learn how to do it properly. I was a drunk from the start. But, a functioning one.so much so I hid it from everyone for a multitude of years. My life deteriorated and I could no longer teach. I began drinking in solitude and lived in misery. I was on pain killers and was Diabetic. Two things which meant I wasn’t supposed to drink a sip. I didn’t care. I had pain, emotional and physical, and I used booze to quiet it. It only sent my life deeper into oblivion. I was on the fast track to death. In fact, I would say my game was Russian Roulette.

I attempted suicide in 1994 and my mother put me in rehab. I stayed sober for a year then gladly picked up again. I spent the next 10 years becoming someone I couldn’t recognize. And someone I couldn’t face in the mirror. Somehow in the midst of it I met my husband, a non-drinker. He maligned my drinking for years, but the words and sad face didn’t get to me until 2005. I finally heard him, deep within my heart, and my hold on this alcoholic life broke. I stepped into AA once again.

This time I actually put effort, real effort into living the Program and working my Steps. I faced my demons and slated them with God at the helm. I gave over control to Him and became a changed person. And 3 years ago I got off pain killers for good. I suddenly had a personality again. I got online to find AA groups as my health deteriorated to the point where I wouldn’t be getting out in the world. I found you. A group to understand my woes and gripes, hold my hand through the tough times, and call me on the bull. I have developed a fellowship of friends, real friends that I can count on. And I know other people who daily live the Program of AA.

Not only is this Program called AA a miracle, I am a miracle.

Now, tell us about your experience with the miracle of AA.

What You Heard in Early Recovery

There are many things that come to mind when remembering my first weeks in AA. Many different people shared many different things with me but a few really stick in my mind.

My online sponsor shared with me that “No” was a complete sentence, what a revelation that was and it has saved me & others much grief and time! She also told me not to drink, to pray to God and not to die, & read the BB!

A close AA friend explained to me that too many people were being loved into their graves. If I wanted what the AA Members had there were things I HAD to do. If I was not prepared to work and make many changes then my misery I came into AA with would be returned!

These are just a few things that came to my mind the other day and I thought I’d love to hear from you, what you heard early in your recovery that stuck with you and worked.

Fellowship, A Substitute for Alcohol

The following is taken from the Big Book… Page 152, from “A Vision for You”:

“We have shown how we got out from under. You say, “Yes, I’m willing. But am I to be consigned to a life where I shall be stupid, boring, and glum, like some righteous people I see? I know I must get along without liquor, but how can I? Have you a sufficient substitute?

“Yes, there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that. It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous. There you find release from care, boredom, and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence will lie ahead. Thus we find the fellowship, and so will you.”

I have so many things for which to be grateful today and it actually began when I quit drinking, started working the program, and found new friends in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. If I had continued on my path of self-destruction, I would likely be dead or institutionalized. I have good friends today…both alcoholics and non-alcoholics.close relationships.and I’m no longer alone.

Although I learned about identifying myself as an alcoholic, sharing, and relating to others at the discussion tables, my greatest experiences were in the meeting after the meeting when we would get a group together to either sit outside after the meeting and smoke our lungs out, or go to the restaurant for more coffee. The time spent with them kept me busy until the beer stores closed and I think that was one of the reasons they included us newbies – to keep us pre-occupied until it was time to go home.

It was there that people shared more personal stories and I was amazed that they could laugh at themselves and didn’t take themselves too seriously. I so looked forward to those times as they replaced my boredom, my emptiness, my aloneness, and negative thoughts. From their example, I learned to take the risk to share some of my personal story with them, which made me feel a part of, and then I was able to share at my discussion meetings.

Some of the nicest people I know I have met in AA. The program of AA, the friends and the fellowship, and the support of others are irreplaceable to my sobriety and wellness. If we don’t have friends, we don’t have support; and if we don’t have support, this leads to feelings of isolation. That is not why we are here. These days, GROW is a huge part of my fellowship. I have established some wonderful contacts online and some great friendships along the way.

How do you experience this Fellowship in your recovery and how has it helped you?

Self-Acceptance

Good morning, Ladies. I’m Judy, and I am an alcoholic. I have been very quiet in this group over the past several months. There have been things happening in my life that I have permitted to seize control of my emotional energy and attention. I apologize to the group for my silence. I heard a joke once that asked, “What’s the difference between a ‘good’ habit and a ‘bad’ one?” The answer is, “A ‘good’ habit is easier to break.” How true that is.

I maintained my bad habit of drinking for many, many years–it took very little effort or energy. Recovery was a different story. It took all the effort and energy I could muster–especially in the beginning. I did love going to meetings and I went to tons of them. I have discovered lately, however, that once I start to slack off of meetings (face to face or cyber ones), it seems to get easier to stay slacked off.

My sponsor loves the quote, “Eternal Vigilance is the price I pay for my sobriety”. She is so right–I have to commit every day to maintain the ‘good’ habit of my recovery–which means prayer, meetings, fellowship, and the steps. It is an absolute miracle that I was able to celebrate my 20th sober year this past Friday. Thank you to all those who extended birthday wishes. This is your’s and God’s victory, not mine.

The topic I need to hear about is Self-Acceptance. I have really been struggling a lot with that lately. I thought I had made some progress over the past 20 years, but it can change in a heartbeat. I once had a man in my out-patient treatment group say to me, “Judy, if only you could sit yourself on the other side of the room and talk to yourself like you do us–you would be so much gentler on yourself.” That was so profound to me and I’ve tried to use that advice often.

Sometimes I even imagine it’s one of my children I sit across from me and I treat them with love, forgiveness, and compassion for any mistakes or struggles they might have. Then I tell myself, “if I want that for my children, why can’t I want that for me? Don’t I have an obligation to ‘model’ that for them and not just put lip-service to it?”

Most of the time this exercise works very effectively. But the truth is, I don’t think it has done much to alter my overall opinion of myself; because if I make just one mistake, I am capable of unleashing the most horrible verbal self-abuse and absolute loathing towards myself. It erupts in such fury–it is terrifying!

I had one of those self-loathing sessions on Wednesday. And just like always, I think, “Maybe I’ll drink and then ‘they’ll’ know how much I’m hurting”…Really, Judy? Fortunately, I have spent enough time in meetings, working these steps, thinking ‘through’ the actions that dance through my mind at these times and acknowledge that following through on thoughts of drinking, smoking, homicide or suicide are devastatingly permanent solutions to very temporary (and often trivial) problems. Yet, I fear the day that my disease will win unless I can find some peace and a genuine self-acceptance of who I am–‘warts and all’.

I started saying the Serenity Prayer with some alterations, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the person I am, the courage to change the things I can about myself, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Please share how you practice self-acceptance and how you make it ‘stick’. 🙂

FEAR

I have come to realize that all my trouble with living has come from fear and smallness within me.
-Angela L. Wozniak

Good day ladies….this reading struck me when I read it and also this topic has come up a lot recently in my local meetings…FEAR.

-False Evidence Appearing Real
-F&$% Everything And Run
-Face Everything And Recover

I like these acronyms I’ve heard over the years! Very true in a lot of ways. I know that all my anger and any uncomfortable emotion comes from self-centered fear. I have removed myself from the sunlight of the spirit and remain alone…in the dark.

I do believe today I am responsible for my reality and I refuse to play the victim. Living in fear is truly no way to live…it is a harsh survival.

I fly airplanes throughout conflict zones in Africa and recently in Afghanistan…I do not let fear interfere with my outward life, and yet a friend asked me at a meeting what I was scared of…and I said emotional intimacy! I will blaze an empowered path for women and yet inside I can be a scared little girl afraid to be hurt!

I am grateful for this process of recovery/discovery to become more aware of myself. Once I am aware, I can be empowered and take action to let go of the fear and let in the miracles.

And I have many miracles in recovery to be grateful for.

Welcome to the new ladies…feel free to share or just “listen” for a while. I look forward to your shares this week on FEAR!

7 Deadly Sins

How did the ‘7 deadly sins” of pride, greed, lust, anger, gluttony, envy and sloth contribute to your alcoholism? Comment on one or all.

Relieve Me of the Bondage of Self

I think that line in the Third Step prayer is one of the most provocative lines ever written. Whenever I read it I picture myself in shackles and chains, trying desperately to free myself. Once I start drinking those shackles and chains wrap around me as if by some magical force and I take myself hostage.

For me the shackles and chains are a metaphor for a disease of the mind so insidious it wants to either kill me or drive me to complete insanity.

I’ve heard it said that alcoholism is the only prison where the key to freedom is on the inside.

What do those shackles and chains represent to you and how do you use the program to break free?

Mothers and Sobriety

This is Mothers’ Day, and I have been trying to come up with a topic that fits. The truth is that I am not a mother. Never have been and never will be. The fact that I don’t have children has been a sensitive spot in my heart – to the point that I sometimes become annoyed with the self-congratulations I see mothers give each other. That is my truth.

I do have a mother, but she is not on my list of favorite people. In fact, she was the first on my list of resentments. My part of the resentment – I wanted a loving mother. I got a hyper-critical cold fish that I couldn’t or wouldn’t accept. In fact, I think she did much to instill my low self-esteem and the resultant lifetime of self-medication.

But it was not her fault. She did the best she could with what she was given – a very self-centered, self-seeking mother and an absent father. She also has a congenital birth defect that is becoming an increasingly difficult problem as she ages.

So how does this fit with alcoholism and sobriety? In just about every way. My mother is both the cause and part of the cure. Repaying her for her lack of emotional depth, I spent my adult life as far away from her as I could get. When we were together a few times a year, it always ended in tears (mine) and anger (hers). We just didn’t click.

But I moved to Texas this year because of my mother. After years of asking my HP about his will for me and how I could serve him, it became clear. I was to be here to help care for my mother in her “golden” years (believe me, they are not golden for her). She has a lot of pain, and her mind is failing. After 62 years with my dad, she is a widow. There is no one there to cater to her every whim. Dad spoiled her rotten. And I do mean rotten.

But that isn’t what matters. What matters is what I do. Tomorrow I will take her a special dinner and spend Mothers’ Day with her. I will bite my tongue when she gets nasty (which she will) and smile when I don’t want to. No matter how I feel about her, she will feel loved. That is my HP’s will for me. That is my amends. Right now, it is the biggest part of my sobriety – learning to do for others without wanting for myself. HP has a sense of humor, no?

So, it is Mothers’ Day. My question to you is: how does being a mother play into your sobriety? Or . what role does your mother play in your sobriety? But please share on anything you need to.

Patience/Persistence

Thank you all for allowing me this service work. This week is a special one for me…I like to honor my grandmother’s passing which was May 9, 1989. She was my angel while alive and continues to look over me…I only wish she lived long enough to see me sober!

I wasn’t sure I would be able to share today … it is still difficult to type so I shall be brief. About 6 weeks ago I was rear ended while stopped … I was just healing from major back surgery only to get severely injured with a women who was looking behind her while driving. She did not carry insurance to cover this accident, only enough to get my Van fixed which, thank you HP, has been restored (it should have been totaled).

Now I am looking at least one other surgery, possibly two. I was supposed to go for major back surgery again (this time much, much more involved surgery) Tuesday, but it got postponed due to over-booking … So now, I wait patiently, anxiously for May 22nd where I will undergo back surgery again. Instead of less than one day in the hospital, it will be 4-5 days then a skilled nursing center for undetermined time period.

I am having another body part evaluated that may need surgery also. All due to this accident. I could go into the why me’s? Well, I did, but my program is allowing me on a daily basis to work on letting go of that and the resentment and anger of it all … It’s not helping … so I turn it over.

Talk about Patience … I have had to completely go from … healing and finally out and about with the hope of being more active than I have been in years cuz I had this awesome surgery to fix my back … to bed rest, not able to walk for more than a few feet and more pain then I care to acknowledge!! All in a single moment …

Patience for me today is about patience with myself … Persistence for me is about finding the best solution for my situation . which surgeon and surgery procedure to go with. And I am going to need to practice patience after surgery with myself and those who will be caring for me. It really is going to be a huge challenge.

With that being said, I have a program, thank you HP, and I have HP. I don’t know why this happened to me, that is none of my business at this point . that is up to HP, I may never know. But it did, and I have to accept the things I cannot change … and be patient with self and HP that I will be ok. I have to be OK!!

I am not able to share on topics….but I read each and every one of them…thank you all who share and chair!! Hopefully, in a few months from now, I will be able to get active again.

How does your program allow you to practice patience?

Wasted & Lost Opportunities

As an alcoholic many opportunities that come along in life get wasted or completely lost with us. We squander what is given to us and we let the best of life slip through our fingers. We may try to keep control or even get control back; but, the alcohol is the one in control and we lose again. The following list is just a smattering of what I lost/squandered due to my drinking.

1. good health
2. friends
3. memories of my college years
4. healthy relationships
5. chance to have children
6. retaining teaching jobs
7. self-respect
8. morals
9. productive personality
10. respect of others

Sobriety could not get all of these back, for it can’t turn back time; but, some things did come back to me. I worked very hard to become a productive member of society and a loving, giving human being. I can’t wipe away my past. I can only face it and move on. The following list are the opportunities and things that have come to me since getting sober on 7-1-05.

1. self-respect & morals
2. true friends
3. healthy relationships
4. loving, kind, and supportive husband
5. service work
6. productive person and personality
7. respect of others
8. peace, love, joy, happiness
9. redemption
10. step-daughter
11. grandson

I cannot say I do not have moments when I am sad at what I let get away from me. But, the opportunities that have come to me in sobriety are life-changing. I have learned to have no regrets. I am who I am BECAUSE of my past NOT in spite of it. What about your lists? Can you voice your lost opportunities and shout your gains???

The Twelve Rewards

I do not know if you have seen the movie “The Natural” with Robert Redford and Glenn Close, but there is a great line in it that got me thinking lately. Robert Redford plays a baseball player who is unhappy because his life did not turn out as he expected, and Glenn Close tells him, “You know, I believe we have two lives…The life we learn with and the life we live with after that.” When I think about this quote in relation to my own life, my own struggles with my alcoholism, I realize that I am very subtlety moving into my second life the longer I stay sober, embrace the program, and do my best to live the steps; it is a great place to be. There is a prayer that I think provides, for me, a good measuring stick to see how far I have come already, and where I still need to grow–it is called “The Twelve Rewards.”

Spirit of the Universe,
I humbly ask for Your help so I may continue to realize the rewards of recovery:
1. Hope instead of desperation.
2. Faith instead of despair.
3. Courage instead of fear.
4. Peace of mind instead of confusion.
5. Self-respect instead of self-contempt.
6. Self-confidence instead of helplessness.
7. The respect of others instead of pity and contempt.
8. A clean conscience instead of a sense of guilt.
9. Real friendship instead of loneliness.
10. A clean pattern of life instead of a purposeless existence.
11. The love and understanding of my family instead of their doubts and fears.
12. The freedom of a happy life instead of the bondage of addiction.

When I was drinking and newly sober there is no question that I was always deep in the negative on all the things the prayer talks about, now just a year later after a lot of hard work and a lot of meetings, I am definitely usually somewhere on the positive side of things. Not that I don’t have my moments where my character defects consume me, but now I am not my moments–they do not define me anymore–I think that experiencing each of these Twelve Rewards of sobriety is starting to define the new, sober me. What about you?

Step Work

Hello Ladies It is my pleasure to chair this meeting on my 50th birthday. There was a time I didn’t think I would live that long, or cared to live this long. Boy, things have changed..)) For our topic I would like to suggest a discussion on Step work.

How many times have you gone through the steps? What motivates you to go through them, again? What have you gotten out of it as a result of the work you put into it?

The reason I am asking this, is clearly marking a milestone such as this one makes me take stock. Is this all there is? What could I have done differently? Am I happy with the relationship I have with my family, friends and my sponsor?

For me, I am not. I have relationships with siblings that are better left alone. My sponsor is in the midst of her own life changing times and we have parted ways. So I am starting over with a new sponsor, and she has sent me my first list of “assignments”. I am to read the third step prayer, and then read step one, for 14 days, everyday in first person.

I got that email this morning, and it is indeed an answer to a prayer.

Ladies, the meeting is yours, I am looking forward to reading your experience, strength and hope.

Seeing the World Through New Lenses

Before I came to the rooms of AA, I had a very terrible, horrible, icky, way bad attitude about life. Mind you, I wasn’t an alcoholic. I just drank too much because life was so wickedly unfair, people were always out to get me, and I always ended up in the slowest line at the grocery store.

Once inside the loving arms of the AA fellowship, I was shown that most of the unhappiness in my life was caused not by other people or circumstances, but by my negative reaction to everything and everyone. It was “suggested” I get a new pair of glasses with which to view the world. I might want to tint the glasses rose.

I immediately understood the concept: The implementation took a long time. I had to start by understanding that no one woke up in the morning musing, “I wonder how I can annoy Nants today?” Traffic was not created on the freeway to specifically irritate me. A slow store clerk was not out to make me miserable. Most things in life were not about me at all.

When I finally moved from merely having faith in a Higher Power to absolutely trusting my Higher Power, it got easier. My mom used to say, “This is the day the Lord has made.” I began to see that life was not a series of events I needed to judge and determine this situation is bad, this is good, this is acceptable and this isn’t. Instead, it was an unfolding dance of experiences which my Higher Power used to teach me lessons. I could choose to live fully in each moment and learn the lesson, or I could bemoan my fate and be miserable.

Since that old attitude still wants to stick its head out of the cave and cause trouble, I work at keeping a positive outlook on life and its peccadilloes. I count my blessings instead of my woes. If someone does something to annoy or hurt me, I consider what might be going on in his or her life to cause this action. I perform random acts of kindness (letting the pregnant mom with a toddler go in front of me at the grocery store). I smile at strangers, help other alcoholics and try to be the change I want to see in the world.

My rose-colored glasses have helped me see a brand new world where love is abundant, kindness is the rule rather than the exception and my Higher Power has me safely protected in loving arms.

What about you? How has being a member of AA shaped your attitude and outlook on life?

No Reservations

From page 33 of the BB of Alcoholics Anonymous: “If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol.” Also in there:

. that most who have gone beyond stopping drinking on their own should try to stay sober for at least a year, and that many won’t make it. Some may pick up the day after they made the resolution.

Hi, Mary Lee here alcoholic addict sober by the Grace of God and AA. I was one of many who did not get sober the first time I entered the rooms of AA. For some who know from my shares, my (now) third attempt at getting sober was 36 years ago. When I give my name, and say I’m sober by the Grace of God and AA, I mean that sincerely.

I believe for me, living with an active drinker (husband) who had crossed the line, that the day I picked up again, I had a reservation for whatever excuses I chose to present to myself and others. Like “I can stop after tonight”, “I’m not that bad” “I don’t wish to stand out as being different”, and on and on.

I had remarried the same man, was on my second failure at staying sober because I stopped going to AA (No 1), I chose to listen to his statements because he didn’t wish to be alone drinking (No 2) and because I placed myself in situations (No 3) after doing all the wrong things that the devil alcohol came down from my shoulder and said “Mary go ahead, you’re not an alcoholic”.

Blackouts started, so I thought “the bartender is making the drinks stronger”. And to top it off a local Dr. offered to keep me in my shots of Demerol, if I would be his mistress. Thank God I turned him down on all of the parts of his offers. I finally left hubby, went on my own with our two kids, to end up having the oldest removed at my request after we argued and I hit him on the cheek (meant to) and instead gave him a nose bleed. That was the beginning of my “end” of drinking and drugging.

I came back into AA, totally whipped, my mind totally wiped out of remembering most things being said to me, homeless, helpless, with the hand of AA still out there for me. I became very needy, felt very worthless and very hopeless.

On my first two entries into AA, I believe that I thought I could return to social drinking. However, when I got honest finally with myself, I “was never a social drinker”. My first drink wasn’t one; it was many and turned into a drunk. Then as I kept coming back into AA, eventually picking up again, I thought I could “catch that buzz” again. I never could, never did.

I won’t sit here and share that I haven’t wanted to drink again, but I picked up the phone to say I wanted to drink again. I certainly did! But I had gotten the message ingrained in my brain, that a hand of AA would always be there for me. Just pick up that “two-ton phone”.

I had three years sober, things were bad, Fla. conditions were hot and horrible, a snake kept haunting the doors of our home, a mouse was in my toilet, I was dehydrated (no air conditioning) and called my male sponsor and said “if this is sobriety I don’t want it”. And Al’s hand was there, he pressed me to a lady sponsor a newly relocated member, who had a spiritual program, tons of patience, and was there for me.

I knew then, as I know now, should I ever pick up a drink again, I will not return to sobriety.

Fear does not keep us sober, but I have the faith that as long as I am willing to go to any length to stay sober, ask God for help, do readings, thank him at night, be vigilant in being a part of AA, that I can stay sober no matter what is going on that is negative.

For any who may be struggling, I suggest you go to any lengths to get sober. Get the booze out of the home (to give you think time), go to as many meetings face to face especially if you are able, get a sponsor, ask God for help to keep you sober, ask God to keep your “bottle” that He can have it, you can’t.

Our disease is a killer, it almost killed me. It is an eraser, it takes away family members, friends, money, homes, our minds, and renders us useless.

Please stand still sober and wait for the miracles. I have had many.

The Four Agreements

My husband has been attending a class at our church the past few weeks and I was given a bookmark which I am using in my monthly Grapevine. Each time I look at this bookmark I am reminded of our program and all the things that it stands for and that I have learned through the years. This class is called the Four Agreements and they are this.

1. Be Impeccable with your words. Hmm, am I always? Do I think and pause before I snap back with a sarcastic comment. Not always I am afraid, but looking at this bookmark has certainly made me more aware.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally. This I find very hard to do Along with the bookmark I was given a little card that on one side says “It’s ALL about me” and on the other side ” It’s NOT about me”. I keep this in front of me at the computer with the Not about me facing me at all times It is a constant reminder that I am not the center of the universe.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions. You know the old saying about assumptions. It makes an a** out of you and me. I don’t know about you but I am always assuming that I know what is best for those around me, especially those I love and are close to me. I also assume that I know what you want from me and what you expect without a word being said. I think I am a mind reader and that those who love me can read my mind automatically and know what it is that I want from them.

4. Always Do Your Best. I try – I do. I am very hard on myself in this regard because of my age and my health the “best” I can do today is a lot less than that which I could do a few years ago. I don’t know why I expect to be superwoman. I have more tolerance for others than I do for myself in this regard. I would no more expect someone I sponsor after having knee surgery to be up on a ladder sorting out top shelves of cupboards, but I put that expectation on myself. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not God and that this gift of sobriety that he has given me is precious and that God does not expect me to be superhuman. He just expects me to do my best.

I am glad that I was afforded the benefit of these gifts as a result of my husband attending this class and I hope that they will give you something to talk about in the coming week. If not, please just talk about whatever you need to in order to benefit your journey. Thanks for being here.

Whatever It Takes to Stay Sober

Hi Ladies, I was told when I came in, to put as much effort into staying sober, as I put into getting drunk. Little did I know that it meant instead of running to the bottle when my feelings got hurt, it meant swallowing my pride. Little did I know that when my first sponsor shared my “secrets” with mutual friends outside the program, that it meant I had to work on forgiveness. Little did I know that when I tried to read out of “Only for Today” instead of the Daily Meditation at our morning meeting and offended some because I chose non-sanctioned material. I had to chalk that up as a learning experience. Little did I know that I would become a defender of those scared coming into a meeting and that THE ONLY REQUIREMENT IS A DESIRE TO STOP DRINKING. You don’t have to declare allegiance to AA.

All those painful experiences have taught me that I am not as fragile as I think I am, that I ALONE am responsible for the quality of my sobriety, that I can’t do this alone. AND most importantly I need the program of AA to learn to place principals before personalities.

Seeing what happened this week at this meeting, I just wanted to suggest that we share our AA horror stories and how we survived them.

Thanks for the opportunity to lead this meeting. I look forward to your shares on this topic, or anything that you feel the need to talk about.

Forcing Solutions

As a topic for this week, I’d like to introduce a quote from Pocket Sponsor, a book published by Day by Day, Recovery Resources.

“It is our experience in recovery that a Power greater then ourselves places the answers before us that we need to hear when we need to hear them. Often we don’t like the answers and practice self-will by trying to force our solution. Forcing solutions is the same as ignoring Step Three. When I force the solution, the solution becomes the problem.”

I can see, looking back, that there were many, many times when my Higher Power, whom I have nicknamed “God,” J put people, places, thoughts, and/or things in my life at just the right times to give me the guidance and opportunity to move to a better place in my spiritual/ mental/ emotional/ physical growth. Such times may have been filled with turmoil and pain or happiness and joy. But, always, it seems God was providing intuitive guidance regarding the “next right thing” to do.

However, sometimes, I would start listening to that squeaky hamster wheel in my head and would ignore the “still small voice” within me that was nudging with intuitive guidance toward a favorable solution. It could be that the “still small voice” was not coming quickly enough, or it was too “still” or too “small” or it wasn’t saying what I wanted to hear. I would get into self-will run riot and try to force what I thought was the best solution. Unfortunately, before long I would realize that I had made a bigger mess of things, and my “solution” had indeed become a bigger problem.

Thankfully, I am reminded repeatedly in this Program, to pause when agitated, let go and let God, and to listen for intuitive guidance in all things. Though it is sometimes hard to wait (for the answer or opportunity), I remind myself of how perfectly God has handled things in the past. And, with the help of this Program and my recovering friends, I am better able to stop and listen for the inner voice that intuitively guides me into the best solution. By reflecting on the times when God clearly was guiding me, it helps grow my Faith, so that I am less inclined to jump into a situation with a plan to fix things “my way”. J

I encourage each of you to share about how your Higher Power places the answers before you just when you need them, and/or how forcing your own solution may have caused more problems.

Fear of Change

In the Serenity Prayer we ask for “courage to change the things we can” and everyone reading this has had the courage to admit that they can’t go on drinking. Most of us have been able to admit that we are alcoholics and have surrendered to change in a big way. Sometimes we decide to change something, other times change can just happen in our lives and we have no control over it.

We could all write a book about changes like this, bereavement, changes in relationships, changes in financial situations and so on. One particular area of fear for me is to do with health, what I’m able to do (or not do!) because of illness and disability. When my energy levels are really low I’m afraid they’ll get lower. When walking is particularly difficult I’m afraid of the next stage. Changes in pain levels make me afraid that the pain will get even worse…..and so on. Less understandable is an extreme reaction to unexpected hospitalizations (there have been a few!) Anyone would think I’m being sent to Outer Siberia 🙂

If I’m not vigilant, fear of change in any area of my life can cripple me and stop me from being able to live in the day. HOW (standing for honesty, open-mindedness and willingness) do I deal with it? Probably, when the fear shows itself, with a moment of panic 🙂 I’ve learned through the program and through listening to the experience of folks in AA to shorten that moment as much as I can before it screws up my brain, so I talk about it as honestly as I can with another alcoholic. Then I have to live through the feelings that could overwhelm me. With the help of my Higher Power, AA meetings and usually more and more talking, I survive. Then comes the need to wash the kitchen floor (I wish my sponsor had thought of something nicer!) or to do other things that can occupy me while the initial feelings of fear subside.

I was a bit afraid I wouldn’t get this share posted in time because I’ve got an infection and am feeling a bit rough. An AA friend of mine said, “Talk about it!”. Simple really, in this case, fear gone

When I drank I lived in fear. The biggest fear was to do with the changes I’d have to make if I stopped drinking. So, whether you’re trying to stop drinking, have stopped for a day or quite a few days, please share about what changes make you afraid today and let us know how you stop that fear from growing.

Restraint of Pen & Tongue

This topic was suggested by a beloved member. It brings many thoughts to mind, and because I know I can get long on the keyboard, I’ll try to be concise.

Drinking can cause our tongues to loosen up. Sometimes when we sober up we don’t lose this quality. Consequently, sometimes we hurt, sometimes we’re hurt.

One of the side effects of my traumatic brain injury is reduced inhibitions; a neuropsychologist equated it for me by saying I have the inhibitionscompletely soberof someone who’s consumed a couple of drinks. That just means I have to be careful. For me, my lack of restraint means I get overly friendly. I will, for example, approach someone at Wal-Mart and remind them how blessed they are to have those two beautiful children (though I usually approach it by asking the children if their parents know they’re blessed to be related to you?). Most of the time is a welcome reminder; however, there have been times when I’ve over-done the props. But, not always.

When drinking I would flirt a bit too much with a cute guy. Enough to make my husband feel very uncomfortable if I was with him; that behavior was one of my reasons for sobering up. My amends is to stay sober and not repeat the behavior.

Lack of restraint with the tongue also includes giving someone our opinion of just what we think of either them or their behavior.

Now that we’re in an era of the Internet, we have another way to apply our tongues, and it’s less personalthough it still feels personalthan face-to-face contact. So, it’s easier to let others really know what we think.

This week, please discuss if you’ve used your tongue (or proverbial tonguethe Internet) to hurt someone,, and how you made amends. Or, conversely, if you’ve been hurt, and wereand howwere amends made.

Or, of course, anything you need to discuss this week.

Dealing with Feelings

I would like to propose the topic of dealing with feelings. How have you dealt with feelings of loss and sadness? I sometimes have a feeling of sadness overcome me out of the blue and it doesn’t always seem to have a reason; just a general feeling. I am often at a loss for dealing with this and would like suggestions about how others handle this. The feelings usually pass but I wonder if sometimes my thoughts are causing this.

For example, one day as I was driving I was overcome by a really sad feeling and when I tuned into my thoughts, it seemed that I was telling myself something mean and self-critical every 20 seconds or so. I caught myself in the act.

I realized that my thoughts were causing my feelings. At that point, I became fed up with my thoughts and repeated over and over to myself “No Depression!” This seemed to stop the thoughts and the feelings of sadness.

So for me, I need to keep a strict eye on my thoughts and try to catch my stinking thinking before it turns to negative feelings which could lead to drinking. Sometimes, I just accept my feelings as unchangeable when in fact, if I examine the thought behind the feelings, it seems that I can change the thought and that changes the feeling. Other times, I just need to feel the feeling and go through it to the other side.

Please share with us how you deal with negative feelings in your life. Or feel free to share whatever is on your mind this week.

When God Has Been There for You

Ladies of GROW, this is such a wonderful time for me, I am staying at the home of my online sponsor and she and her husband are spoiling me rotten! We are having great chats about AA and life is so totally different than it was 15 years ago. The Promises have all come true for this alcoholic, how blessed I am. Next Saturday, God willing, I will celebrate 15 years sobriety and that is a gift and a miracle that my gratitude knows no bounds for.

When I think back on my drinking years there were so many times that God was there for me and of course I did not realize it at the time.

One incident comes quickly to mind, I had prepared a meal of Corned Beef and Cabbage, put it on the stove to cook, had another drink and passed out. My husband came home for his supper and saw smoke billowing out the window, the meal had burned dry, the pot had melted down to a single piece of metal on the burner but … the kitchen and the house and me had not burned. God had to have been there, how the whole house had not burned was a miracle. I still have that piece of metal and it reminds me of one of the many times God was there for me.

There is a poem by Mary Stephens called “Footprints in the Sand” I unsuccessfully tried to copy it here (I’m using an unfamiliar email program while away!!) but I’m sure you have all read this beautiful poem.When there was just one set of prints in the sand was when God was carrying us.

My daughter-in-law did a needlepoint of this poem and gave it to me my first sober Christmas, a very treasured gift.

I’d love to see you shares on your times when God was there for you. Thank you for allowing me to chair this week.

Every Dark Cranny

Pg. 75, paragraph 2 of the Big Book: 
“We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us.”

This excerpt is full of golden nuggets. Let’s look at it bit by bit.

If we DON’T put away our pride we will never be able to sort through the mess we’ve made of our lives and ourselves. We just can’t. So, we take every ounce of it and pocket it away to begin our work.

We have to shine the light on every slice of our lives, character, attitudes, behaviorsthe whole pie! This will allow us to go into “every dark cranny” and clear out the rubbish. This will leave a clean slate on which to build our new lives/selves. If we don’t keep any part of it back in the end we WILL be joyous, thrilled, and finally, after so many years of embarrassment, be able to “look the world in the eye.” It is a great joy for me to be able to look at myself in the mirror each day. I no longer look away, cringe, or glare. My shoulders are back, my head held high, and a look of pride on my face.

I am at peace.

I no longer feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

I am no longer afraid.

*********

What about you? Have you searched every dark cranny? Are you at peace? Are you still afraid?

Ego & Self Pity

Carol D., alcoholic, and thank you ladies for allowing me to be of service and chair this week’s meeting. I decided to put out a topic that I have had some issues and feelings on.

I can remember when I came into the program and was doing my 4th step with my sponsor and she said something to the affect that whatever the issue was it was my ego. I absolutely could not believe she could think I had an ego. Not Carol, the people pleaser, no way. In my mind a person with ego was a person that walked and acted with arrogance and thought they were better than anyone else. Well just recently it has come up again and the bottom line was I just plain do not understand what ego is. I have been doing a lot of reading on ego and the only thing I have really understood is that “ego” can be good or bad. It is a defect when I am right and the rest of you out there don’t know what you are talking about. Life will always be a struggle with our “ego”, but we can keep it manageable , if we ask ourselves the question, is it to make me look good, or will it benefit others more.

I guess I thought when I got sober that my daughter’s would want to spend more time with me and I was so looking forward to it. Now understand I did not spend much time with them when I was drinking because I knew they did not want me drinking and I did not want them to know I was drinking as much as I was. My oldest daughter lived with me from Dec. 2010 until Sept. 2011 as she was going through a divorce than she got a job and moved out. I do hear from her more frequently than when she was married to her ex. Now my younger daughter I have always been very close too and hardly ever hear from her anymore. So here I sit on the pity pot, which I also believe is “ego” because she has not called me in a few days. I have to stop myself and realize that she has a family and a job and a life and she is busy. Here again is not just “self-pity” but also “ego”.

On the 18th of this month I celebrated 6 years sober and what a blessing for me, have not had to go back out for any reason, and what I love about this program is I am continually learning about myself and who I really am and that I can use the tools to make the changes that I need to make. When I first came in I wanted 10 years sober right from the get go, lol, but today I understand why this is a lifelong program. God is revealing to me in steps he know that I can accept and work on.

Traditions & Slogans

My name is Gigi and I am an alcoholic. Today, by the grace of a Power greater than myself, and with the help of you and all my other A.A. comrades, I celebrate 23 years of continuous sobriety. I like the vein that we have been pursuing in the past weeks, because it is literature based. My recovery depended upon the literature early in my recovery, when I was too sick to go out for several months at a time and did not yet have a computer. I was given a list of the Steps and Traditions and the underlying principles. When I read the list of principles for the Traditions, I was surprised to see that many of them are our slogans.

Usually when I am in a f2f meeting and it is announced that the topic will be a Tradition, there is a round of groans around the room. 🙂 Nevertheless! reading the Foreword to the Second Edition, we see that it states on page xix: “As we discovered the principles by which the individual alcoholic could live, so we had to evolve principles by which the AA groups and AA as a whole could survive and function effectively.” These I have found to be helpful to me in living with and functioning effectively at home, at work, and in any group of which I am a member. If I am having difficulty with others, it often comes back to one of these.

(That page lists the Traditions, out of order and more as they are mentioned in our Preamble. I will send that as a separate post.)

So here they are, the Tradition and Slogans:

1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon A. A. unity. 
Principle: Unity

2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority–a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.
Principle: Right Relationship to HP; Let Go and Let God

3. The only requirement for A. A. membership is a desire to stop drinking.Principle: 
Willingness

4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or A. A. as a whole.
Principle: Live and Let Live

5. Each group has but one primary purpose — to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers.
Principle: First Things First

6. An A. A. group ought never endorse, finance or lend the A. A. name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.
Principle: Keep It Simple

7. Every A. A. group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
Principle: Self-Support

8. Alcoholics Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.
Principle: Altruism / Selflessness

9. A. A., as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.
Principle: Service, Taking Responsibility

10. Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the A.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy.
Principle: Harmony

11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.
Principle: Personal Humility

12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.
Principle: Tolerance

Please share with the group something about one of these principles or slogans. Which one is your personal favorite; which do you use the most right now? Do you aspire to one of these? Does one of them make you want to run the other way?

For me, First Things First is one I am using a lot right now. It’s interesting to me that it fits right in with the job I do in GROW. As Back Up Listkeeper, I’ve been helping new members get into the group. It’s a lovely service for me because I get to serve as one of the first contacts, along with my sister Listkeeper and the Greeters. We have a lot of newer members to AA lately, so it feels like First Things First is acting in my life. And our primary purpose of carrying the message is getting done (Tradition 5).

I have been struggling with my health the past year and a half, and staying in balance means that I have to prioritize my days well. First things have to come first or it all comes crashing down! It is a much simpler way to live than I would do on my own. 🙂 Which is probably really good for me, and why I am in this position. When I let my HP take charge, I have to have First Things First. It means that sometimes I have to put dinner on the table for my husband and me rather than snack on stuff and sew or read. Again, really good for me, keeping life in balance, and eating a good meal instead of junk food.

The Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I would like to share what it means to me and how it has affected my life. Then, I would like to hear what it means to you ladies and how/if you use it on a daily basis. For those of you who may not have found your God, maybe you could just repeat it without “God” in front.

I originally wanted to chair today because today is the 22nd anniversary of my father’s death. Through God, The Serenity Prayer gave me courage and wisdom to accept his being gone.

Lately it has meant much more and helped much more. My mother passed away on Dec. 29 after many months of illness. She too was in the program and had 36 years of sobriety at the time of her passing. She would say the prayer often and I was able to see that it gave her much courage. She truly accepted that there was nothing she could change and that she was in God’s hands. She passed with courage and grace.

For the funeral, I arranged to have The Lord’s Prayer and The Serenity Prayer put on her prayer card. Many people there knew why. Some didn’t know why. Anonymity meant a lot to her and we honored that to the end.

My brothers and sister didn’t even know the prayer. But, by the end of her interment, I think they all knew it and found comfort in it.

Just repeating it over and over is calming. It helps me to stay positive and on track. I was familiar with it long before I came into A.A. I knew it because of my mom. I honor her each time I say it and I know it has to be the first thing I say in the morning to myself. If I ever have a desire to drink, I hope it will keep me on the right path of sobriety.

Your Favorite Story or Passage of the Big Book

This topic came up recently in another recovery group I am a part of, I hope it wasn’t here also…smiles…I am kinda losing it. I loved seeing all the different passages and stories that folks related to. I love everything about the BB. The Promises which Laura lead us on last week (by the way, my fav. part of the promises and I always say it to myself when read at a mtg is: “We will intuitively know how to handle situations which baffled us”. However, the one story that I really relied on in early recovery…and still do til today is…can you guess?? It might have something to do with my screen name…it is from the 3rd Ed. of the BB –“Dr., Alcoholic, Addict” and it is Dr. Paul O’s story…which on page 449 in the 3rd Ed. and page 417 in the 4th Ed. starts by saying, “And acceptance is the key to all my problems today…”. I had to read that passage every AM before calling my sponsor when I first got sober…it has saved me many times….I even was blessed to have met and had Dr. Paul O sign my BB. His whole story was great. Many folks stop at 449 or 417..however, he has so much more to say after that famous passage. If you read on he goes on to say, “He goes on to say, “when I focus on what’s good today, I have a good day, and when I focus on what’s bad, I have a bad day. If I focus on problem, the problem increases; if I focus on the answer, the answer increases” (page 419 of the 4th Ed.).

That is what I try to live my life with today….focusing on solutions…its not always easy, esp when everything is crumbling around you…I usually, with the help of talking to my sponsor and others…can get myself there….

So, what is your favorite story or passage and how has it helped your sobriety today?

The 9th Step Promises

When I first arrived in the rooms and when the promises were read, it was just as though people stopped reading in English and started reading in Chinese, or ancient Greek, or Basque, or Egyptian – some language that wasn’t even from western Europe. Then, when they were done with the promises, they switched back to English.

For those who aren’t sure of them, these are the 9th step promises (they are repeated also after this part of our meeting) (I am going to space them, not as they are printed, but as I “hear” them):

• If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
• We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
• We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
• We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
• No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
• We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away.
• Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
• Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
• We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
• We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
• Are these extravagant promises? WE THINK NOT. They are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
• They will always materialize if we work for them.

It wasn’t as though I couldn’t understand the individual words – it was that I did not comprehend – I did not in any way understand how the 9th step promises were possible or even relevant to my life.

But slowly, I began to hold on to “we will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.”

That particular promise (or two promises, I suppose) began to be something for me to grasp, as a drowning person grabs onto anything in the water that is floating. I so wanted that lack of drama. It began to be the touchstone through which I could surrender to HP – because I began to *know* that HP would help me comprehend “serenity” and to know peace. Lack of internal drama. Quiet acceptance. Knowledge that I’m doing HP’s will – that I am choosing to live a truly sober life.

I began to realize that they don’t make sense trying to find them before doing the 9th step – they make total sense coming at the amends phase of the Program of AA. And the promise that “they will always materialize if we work for them” is also so true, I’ve found.

I think during the rather dramatic and chaotic years of my early sobriety, this promise was the one that kept me praying. Not for serenity (I prayed a lot more often for the willingness to be willing to be willing…) but to know that it would come, as long as I kept doing the next right thing. It may have been – now that I write this – one of my early understandings that HP works in HP’s time – and that it’s not part of Laura B.’s job description to try to get HP to do things faster.

Anyway, I would love to hear what you think of one or all of the 9th step promises. They aren’t, by any means, the only promises of AA, so if you’d rather write about a different AA promise, please do. And please, don’t worry about it if you haven’t gotten to Step 9, I’d still like to know about your experiences and thoughts around the promises.

How are you putting your sobriety first?

In three days, I will celebrate 25 years of sobriety, and for that I am deeply grateful. I can officially say that I have now been sober longer than I drank and drugged. I’d like to say that, because of this many years of sobriety, I am no longer at risk for taking a drink, however, that would be a lie.

Though it is true that my life today is so much better than I could have even dreamed when I was drinking ~ I’ve enjoyed all of the Promises, and I would generally describe myself as happy, peaceful and most times reasonably serene. And it is also true that I would never want to go back to that drinking and drugging life because it is a hard way to live. (For me, sober recovery is the “easier softer way”.) However, three weeks ago, my 66 year old husband had a stroke and is now paralyzed on one side and is unable to speak, except for a few words. I was also told that he has two major blockages in his coronary arteries that will need to be treated because he is at risk for a heart attack.

Suddenly, my world shifted and nothing seems secure anymore. I don’t know what the future holds regarding his health, what function he will be able to recover, his ability to work, or our finances. I had worked while my husband attended school and received various degrees and, our plan had been for me to finally be able to retire soon, while he continued working (he is an electrical contractor and we own our own company). I could go on and on about what life was “supposed to look like”. But, all that has changed.

As I found myself reeling from the changes his medical condition caused in our lives, one evening as I was leaving the hospital after a long and stressful day, I felt so weary, afraid, angry and alone. Then, from out of nowhere, a thought and visual image “floated” into my head ~ it was an image of me sipping a glass of wine and savoring that warm, relaxed feeling ~ it felt like the most natural thing in the world I actually stopped walking and shook my head. The image was so vivid, it startled me. I immediately thanked God for my sobriety and asked His protection and care as I continue to make my way through these changes in my life.

That vivid thought/ visual image made me realize that, no matter how many years of sobriety I have, this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful and I have only a daily reprieve from that slippery-slope-spiral down to the black hole I was in before I got sober.

My sobriety is dependant on my spiritual condition and, I was reminded that I must do my inner (spiritual) work to address the outer challenges in my life. For me, that inner work involves talking to God (a lot), staying out of the way so God can do His work, talking and sharing with sober alcoholics, striving to live by the principles / Steps of this Program, and attending meetings. What this means for me is that, no matter what is happening in my life (good or bad), my sobriety must come first.

Please share about what you do ~ or don’t do ~ to put your sobriety first, regardless of what is happening in your life. Or, if you have a burning desire to share about something else that is going on in your life, please do so.

Road to Recovery

“Autobiography in Five Short Chapters” by Portia Nelson

Chapter 1: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I PRETEND I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in this same place, But it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. It see it is there. I still fall in. It’s a habit, but my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
Chapter 4: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
Chapter 5: I walk down a different street.

This reading reminds me of the definition of Insanity by Albert Einstein: “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. Like – how many times did I tell myself after a day/night of heavy drinking and subsequent horrible hangover that I would never do that again? How many times did I make a promise to my God that if He got me out of the mess I had gotten myself into that I would never get drunk again? Too numerous to mention and I couldn’t keep the promises I made. I would justify my drinking by telling myself that if s/he hadn’t said or done that, or if you had my problems, you’d drink too, etc.

I would berate myself for doing this repeatedly and wondered why I couldn’t get off the treadmill of doing the same things over and over again. That hole in the sidewalk (alcohol) removed my feelings of self-worth and self-esteem and left me feeling useless, worthless, less than and a person who even I wouldn’t want to be around. When I became sick and tired of doing this, I prayed and cried out for help to my God to show me a better way to live my life.

My prayer was answered when a co-worker friend of mine with 9 years of sobriety saw the pain I was in and took me to my first meeting. I was relieved to learn that I wasn’t a bad person trying to be good, but a sick person trying to get well. This made so much sense to me that I admitted I was an alcoholic and that my life was unmanageable. At first, I choked on the word, alcoholic, until I learned about your struggle with this disease and it was pretty much the same as mine. For the first time in my life, I finally fit in with a group – a group of alcoholics who got sober and helped others to get sober by sharing their ESH.

What havoc is/was that ‘hole in the sidewalk’ playing in your life? What or who helped to get you onto the Road to Recovery?

I’ll be interested in reading your shares on this subject or on anything else that is happening in your life that you’d like to share with us.

Patience and Tolerance

As the holiday approaches I find myself getting impatient much easier than any other time of the year. Driving seems so much more difficult as more people hit the road to go shopping and visiting. I have to call up all my patience to get through the aisles at the grocery store or a department store as people seem to walk around in a daze, staring at products or socializing with neighbors they haven’t spoken to all year. My grandkids seem overly rambunctious and my kids seem a bit testier.

I thank my HP for this program for I have tools to not create wreckage for myself and others. In the 12 and 12, on page 141 it says: Could we then foresee that troublesome people were to become our principal teachers of patience and tolerance? I see it every day. Now I ask if I can help someone find something they are looking for, I let people get in front of me on the road, and I hug my grandkids and children much tighter whispering to them I love you.

St. Francis de Sales said: Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering our own imperfection, but instantly set about remedying them – every day begin the task anew.

The Power of the Pause

I spent all of my conscious life considering myself a tenacious woman. I created myself as the person who rushes in and makes things happen. I was the go-to-gal if you needed something done at work or with my friends and family. I did not fail in this even in my heaviest drinking days, I always seemed to be able to power-through. But with my risky alcoholic behavior, this tenacious woman often rushed headlong into disaster as well.

My self-assured attitude proved to be a potential liability in AA too. I was thrilled to hear this was an action program. I immediately got busy and made coffee and drove women to meetings almost 7 days a week. I insisted that I do the 4th Step right away. Through sponsorship and reading (and writing in) my Big Book, I cobbled together what works as an instant fix for those moments when I feel compelled to rush in: Dont fight anything pause.

I have continued to find it important to my inner comfort (serenity) and my sobriety (physical and emotional) that I do not fight what comes my way. Instead I pause. If I am feeling or thinking negatively what I really need to do is dig deep and find some gratitude for what is working in my life in the big picture – deny the urge to allow the negative thoughts in and focus on the fact that I have indeed had a profound personality change sufficient enough to allow me to be sober today AND that serenity is possible if I do not pick up a drink. I need to remember that if I choose to take one drink I will be swept up in the phenomena of craving and will likely not be able to get back to this good place that I have seen can be a reality for me if I work, or pause, through rough moment.

11th Step – Thy will (not mine) be done

I read this reading in my morning meditation today (from As Bill Sees It) and felt like it hit home with me and decided to share with my GROW family.

Do It Our Way? p 329
In praying, our immediate temptation will be to ask for specific solutions to specific problems, and for the ability to help other people as we have already thought they should be helped. In that case, we are asking God to do it our way. Therefore, we ought to consider each request carefully to see what its real merit is. Even so, when making specific requests, it will be well to add to each one of them this qualification: “… if it be Thy will.”

TWELVE AND TWELVE, P. 102
The Big Book advises against praying for our needs, unless it would benefit others. I have a lot of experience in praying for selfish needs: “God please let me out of this speeding ticket” “please don’t let him know I spent this amount of money” (you get the idea, lol). My sponsor pointed out in the tenth step that the Big Book reads, “How can I best serve Thee. Thy will (not mine) be done.” It is my purpose to enter any situation as a trusted servant, opposed to my innate nature to seek for my own needs.

What is your experience, strength, and hope in practicing the eleventh step in your daily affairs, when praying for God’s help “selflessly”?

Things You are Grateful For

I feel blessed to be able to chair the meeting this week. I always like to chair around my anniversary because of the gratitude that I feel for this program and the life it has given me.

November is gratitude month and a good time around the upcoming holidays to feel and express the gratitude we have for our lives. I don’t know about you gals, but if you were anything like me at the end of your drinking you didn’t feel grateful for anything or anybody. My parents lived 3000 miles away, my children 1500 miles away and there was no one left in my life to put the blame on. If I could have left me I would have. I was drinking to die and it just wasn’t happening. The thought of living the way I was for the rest of my life was what finally brought me to my knees and gave me the gift of desperation.

It wasn’t easy. I fought against it and “yeah but” everything that was told to me. The pain of being dry was as bad as the pain brought on by my drinking and I finally had to surrender to the steps and to a God that I didn’t understand. I still cannot describe what God is, and I still don’t understand how He works, but I know that He is there. The longer I am here I can see more clearly where He has always taken care of me. I should not have lived through many of the things that happened in my life prior to and after coming into this program. I am truly blessed.

I was told that the gifts I would be given by staying sober and living this program daily would far exceed any dreams that I could have thought of back then and they were right. I would have sold myself short. Please share with us this Thanksgiving week the things that you are grateful for in your lives. Of course, feel free to share on whatever else is on your minds also. I encourage our new members to get their feet wet by sharing also.

Working It – Staying Sober Through the Party Season

I’ve had a whirlwind summer and fall this year. Travel was a huge part of my schedule. Plugged into the at time away from home was all the “regular” chaos of a multi-generational family was a few great things and a few disasters. “Hopefully” one of our Son’s Weddings last weekend signaled a bit of a break before the Holidays.

Why this long (probably boring) paragraph?

I’ve been sober for quite a few 24 hrs.. I have a long Gratitude list. I’ve not drank far longer than I did. I am an alcoholic. I was , I am, I always will be. As long as I remember this Truth and practice ALL the suggested life-saving behaviors, beliefs and admonitions the ladies of AA have taught me, I don’t have to drink one day at a time. I’ve learned that I’ve worked this Program so earnestly, the Program works me before I realize I’m in shaky emotional or spiritual ground.

Rather than fight myself about going up to the cash bar at John’s Wedding (who I got to Marry!!!!!), I was sitting back, rocking and humming the two youngest Grandloves to sleep (1 at a time) and praying for the few folks there who seem to be running toward this Fellowship, Jail or the Grave.

So, after my never-ending share, How are you working or not working this HP given Gift of LIFE. What needs tweaking to prepare for the Holidays so we stay sober through the party season of the year?

“It works IF you work it” is real.

Liberation and Strength

From pg. 21, paragraph 3 of the 12 x 12:
“We perceive that only through utter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength. Our admissions of personal powerlessness finally turn out to be firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built.”

We all talk about the bad side of alcoholism. I thought we would look at what that “bad side” brought us. We have a lot of new members who are young in recovery. I know this will really help them.

So, it became obvious to me that until I was at my utter bottom with nothing left of my pride, ego, or life I would have no desire to go up. I just kept staying in misery – in fact wallowing in it. Yet, once at the bottom, the utter defeat, I can attest that I did indeed find freedom, a loosening of the bonds, and a strength I didn’t know I had. And as I gained another day of sobriety, and another, and another, and so on, the strength increased. As I worked the steps and started understanding why I had behaved as I did, within I found I had a strength I could be proud of and rely upon. I was truly liberated.

The other part was admitting I was utterly powerlessness and when I did I earned a foundation for the rest of my recovery. At the start did I think it was bedrock? Of course not! It took time to realize what I was building. At first you just feel lost, you aren’t catching everything that’s being said, you’re scared (white knuckling it), you have little faith in yourself. You certainly don’t realize that you are building a bedrock foundation for the rest of your recovery. But, you are. And in time you stand up and feel the firm rock under your feet. You start taking more steps and you feel that liberation and strength filling your soul.

This, my friends, is the joy of recovery. The joy of realizing you CAN do it. The joy of realizing the misery is behind you and hope is in front of you.

Liberation, strength, and bedrock. Three words to remember. The floor is now open for sharing.

What Spirituality Means to You

Good day ladies….Nachelle: alcoholic. This week I would like to discuss spirituality, our higher powers. We say that AA is a spiritual program…what does that mean to you? How has spirituality changed for you?

As for me…I believe spirituality is different for each person. There are probably 7 billion different ideas about this in the World! I was raised with a very strict, dogmatic religion. I know my parents were doing what they thought was right but at 16 I rebelled hard. I struggled for many years to figure this out. I had a hard time making sense of it all. I explored and researched many different faiths and belief systems. I found it all fascinating historically and culturally but couldn’t see how it applied to my life. I got drunker and drunker.

I knew when I came back to AA I would have to keep step 2 and step 3 simple. I couldn’t complicate it. So I started with asking the “Universe” for help in the morning and thank you at night. My spiritual journey began. I have met many people in AA and with my job I have been to meetings in Canada, USA, Belize, Guatemala, Peru, Ecuador, Portugal, Thailand, India. All very diverse Countries and different belief systems and that’s the beauty of AA….it’s INCLUSIVE!!!!!! Any higher power or God/Goddess will do. Even atheists and agnostics. I know that when I came in, my perceptions and thinking was so messed up and I was so self absorbed. The concept of getting out of myself and being a part of this World was refreshing. No one told me what to believe in, I was told to find my own truth. That was very important to me. If I’d been told what to believe, I would have left….and probably not drawn another sober breath. Today I have come to peace with the religion of my childhood and see the positives in it, I respect a great many religions and philosophies. My journey has led me to some fascinating ideas and people. I know that it will continue as long as I keep an open mind.

My higher power is more what I don’t understand…and today that is ok. I try to be content to live in the question. As some call is “the great mystery”. I believe to keep AA a safe, inclusive place we need to continue to discuss our spirituality in a general way. Keeping our arguments for or against any religion out of our meetings. As step 2 says in the 12 & 12, we resigned from the debating society.

Today my HP speaks through life circumstances, trusted friends, AA meetings. spiritual books and the more I pray & meditate, the more inspiration comes to me in the quiet and my intuition. I am grateful today for my quiet times of prayer and meditation and all the interesting things I’ve learned and people I have met on this spiritual quest. AA is my foundation.

For many years alcohol (and other unhealthy stuff) was my higher power, my God. I knew when I was new I needed to replace this. If you’re new here…I encourage you to keep this matter simple. Find your own truth, pray and hang on.

It does work!

Feel free to share about what spirituality means in your sobriety or anything you need to.

Thanks for letting me chair!

Letting Up on Disciplines

Sorry for the lateness of the meeting but just got a message from Laura B. that she needed a substitute so I really did not have alot of time to think so I’m going with something that I have a tendency to struggle with. That is “Letting Up on Disciplines”. The one thing I have come to learn about the program of AA is that it is a program of action. It is up to me, Carol D, to take the action today to not drink one day at a time. Now I have been given a tool kit with all new tools in it to help me to do this. In my tool kit I have prayer, meditation, daily inventory, AA attendance, and service to the groups. My daily routine when I get up is of course to use the ladies room, get cleaned up and ready for work. I just recently realized that I have this extra time in the morning to say my prayers, and do my meditation for the day instead of flipping on the TV and watching HLN. So here I am on my way to work saying my prayers and trying to meditate while all these cars are zooming by me or the deer are running out in the road in front of me.

Just this past week I have been changing my routine a little to get my prayers in as soon as I sit down after getting ready for work instead of flipping on the TV. At night when I go to bed (you are gonna love this one but the truth) I read AA literature and seem to have to have some candy. I noticed that I was getting very tired (probably from the candy) and forgetting to take my daily inventory but I have always thanked God (my higher power) for my sobriety for that day. So now I am doing my prayers and daily inventory before I read and eat my candy.

Prior to my retirement and getting this parttime job I would go from work to an AA meeting as I usually worked late. Now I get home anywhere from 12:30 – 4:30 pm so I will get comfortable and than not want to get cleaned up to go to a meeting, plus I am getting to where I hate driving so far all the time. So Friday night my sponsor and I were going to go to a meeting and on Thurs. she had a root canal done so needless to say was not feeling up to it. So now the stinkin thinkin comes in my head that I really don’t have to go to a meeting and I really don’t want to go by myself. My head went back and forth until finally I just got up and decided to go. My trip was 93 miles round trip but an awesome women’s meeting up north. I was so glad I went and felt so much better after I left the meeting for the drive home. So I am committing myself to that meeting every other Fri night.

I have noticed that I have not been doing alot of volunteering in the past year and I realized it was because if I did I would have to keep that committment. Hello, not sure I wanted to do that. It just amazes me at myself what this program has taught me. I am going to start volunteering again to set up a meeting and chair more often in my other groups.

This is all the things that have got me this far in my sobriety and has kept me from a relapse. The things that I was very disciplined about in my first 4 yrs sober so today I know that letting up on my disciplines gets me to stinkin thinkin and that I don’t like.

Thank you gals for letting me chair and for being such a huge part of my journey in sobriety. I hope all of you take just a little bit of your time to share this week as that is also service work and also helps me alot. Have a great week to all of you.

It’s My Choice

When it came to the *choice* of topic for today, the whole cloud of themes, thoughts, feelings, and phrases from the Big Book started swarming in my head, and I could not make a decision! They all seemed equally pertinent and important. I often struggle with making choices, and waste my time running backwards and forwards in my head, until the opportunity is missed altogether.

I drank for 20 years – and, looking back, it feels like the choice was made for me. I am an alcoholic, and I was enslaved, imprisoned, incapacitated by alcohol. Many times did I feel desperate because my drinking took me to really dark places, and I was hurting people around me, including my husband, my parents, who were devastated, my two lovely children… However, even if I could stop for a short while, I would inevitably go back to drinking – I couldn’t imagine life without alcohol. I didn’t know it was possible. I didn’t know there was a choice.

Today I *choose* to stay away from the first swig of booze. It is so liberating! The word “choice” for me is full of hope. I know – and I have learnt it the hard way – that nothing will get better or easier, if I pick up a drink. Now, that I am sober, I have a clear head, and it is a beautiful gift! No matter how imperfect I am, indecisive, inefficient, irritable, forgetful, still selfish, often confused, I know that today I can choose to make progress, to learn, and to grow.

I have been sober for 1 year and 5 months, and I am still learning to live. It is hard at times, my reactions are often out of proportion, and I struggle badly with planning and fitting everything in. I agonise over making *choices*, deciding what is important and what isn’t in everyday life.

However, I have acquired faith today. It is indeed a miracle. Today I believe that, if I stay sober and work the programme, if I try to be honest, open-minded and helpful, if I try to listen and not to rush, if I pray and don’t jump to conclusions, then gradually everything will sort itself out. The right decisions will become evident. The solutions will be apparent. The *choices* be “made for me”, in such a way that I can be useful and self-realised.

Today, I can choose to pause, ‘when agitated or doubtful’, and start my day afresh… Sadly, I don’t do it as often as I should… More often than not, I choose not to beat myself up about it, and I mumble as a mantra “it’s progress not perfection”. Despite all my shortcomings, I choose to be happy today. There is a long ‘road of happy destiny’ lying ahead of me.

Detachment

Just another aspect that I rather struggled with when I first came into the program. I don’t know about you gals but I find the longer I am in the program that so many different things I struggled with now comes so much easier for me. When I read the BB so many times things pop out at me that I know I have read many different times and now makes sense to me. It’s like the light bulb goes on for me.

Detaching myself from old habits, drinking friends and old hangouts was difficult. Now I have to admit that as far as the friends went most of them just disappeared and that was hard for me, I finally had to accept the fact that they were not friends but just drinking buddies. The ones that did still come around I had to lovingly detach myself from them if they were drinking but most willing to spend time with them if they were not. Did not go to showers, get-togethers or parties where there was drinking but thanked them for inviting me.

I had to do the same thing with my ole hangouts but just went, for instance, up the street to the bar for lunch with my grandchildren and daughter. When I went there, there was no one there but the owners and I did not even do that until I was 4 yrs sober and never went often.

Detaching from old habits was a toughie. When you do something for so long it is truly hard to break the pattern. My way of doing it, I finally realized, was I was isolating. I would go too work, go too meetings, come home get on my puter and than go to bed. This summer was the first time I even spent any time at all in my backyard, see I use to sit at my picnic table and drink in my backyard so I had a really hard time sitting in the backyard because I would think about drinking, this was all in my head before I would even do it. See for me detaching was similar to “letting go and letting God” and you all know how we like to take our wills back now and than. When things happen today that I feel I have to detach from I can do it with love and kindness.

Last week I went to (6) f2f meetings and it was really awesome as that is what I did for my first 3 yrs sober. I went to all different meetings and it just felt so good. I want to thank you gals for allowing me to chair this meeting and for being here with me helping me to stay sober. What does detachment in the program mean to you or feel free to share on any topic you wish.

Only for Today

Dear Ladies of Grow, I am choosing this topic because of our so many new members who have decided that they don’t want to drink today. This was given to me when I came into these rooms and it truly helped me to decide what was important and what wasn’t. If you would please share on one statement that rings true for you, or on any other literature that helped to shape you into the sober woman you are today, Please do so. Of course feel free to share on anything that is affecting your sobority. The meeting is yours, the floor is open…..

The daily decalogue of Pope John XXIII

1. Only for today, I will seek to live the livelong day positively without wishing to solve the problems of my life all at once.
2. Only for today, I will take the greatest care of my appearance: I will dress modestly; I will not raise my voice; I will be courteous in my behaviour; I will not criticize anyone; I will not claim to improve or to discipline anyone except myself.
3. Only for today, I will be happy in the certainty that I was created to be happy, not only in the other world but also in this one.
4. Only for today, I will adapt to circumstances, without requiring all circumstances to be adapted to my own wishes.
5. Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul.
6. Only for today, I will do one good deed and not tell anyone about it.
7. Only for today, I will do at least one thing I do not like doing; and if my feelings are hurt, I will make sure that no one notices.
8. Only for today, I will make a plan for myself: I may not follow it to the letter, but I will make it. And I will be on guard against two evils: hastiness and indecision.
9. Only for today, I will firmly believe, despite appearances, that the good Providence of God cares for me as no one else who exists in this world.
10. Only for today, I will have no fears. In particular, I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe in goodness. Indeed, for 24 hours I can certainly do what might cause me consternation were I to believe I had to do it all my life.

Time: the Four Letter Word

Hi Ladies, Jennifer here, definitely and alkie and a grateful one despite the pain I am in today….was thinking about a topic and decided to read in one of my meditation books as this is a new assignment that my sponsor has suggested to me *winks* and it was perfect as usual…. the reading is not from an “AA approved” meditation book, not sure the protocol here so going to take a chance that I posting this is ok. If I have broken tradition, I apologize ahead of time:

This is from “A Women’s Spirit” published by Hazelden
September 25: 
“We can trust in the constancy of one thing—TIME will always move forward, taking us away from the old and gently guiding us to the new”–Amy E. Dean

“It’s human nature to want the pleasurable experiences to last forever and the painful ones to leave immediately. But we can’t move through anything faster then the hands of the clock will allow. A better response to our circumstances, regardless of their flavor, is acceptance that GOD/(HP) has put a lesson in them for us and we can’t adequately judge the long term value of any of our experiences. Nothing lasts forever. The slogan, “This too shall pass” promises us the emotional relief we need when times are hard. Time is our friend, always, even when we don’t like the lesson. We do get what we need, when we need it.

Wow, when I read that I was like….whew…. and it is true. For me and everything that I have endured, the happy, sad, good and bad…has to be to allow time to have its allowance…and to turn it over the HP and know that it will pass….maybe not when I want it to…but it will pass.

This passage is Timely (eh see how I got that in there….) as many of you know and recently read everything and that wasn’t even everything, that I have gone through in sobriety…. especially my recent emergency back surgery….which was sorta like 2 months in the working…it just wasn’t until my last fall and almost 2 weeks later of agony that I chose to accept I needed to see what was going on. I knew something didn’t feel right and entered the hospital on Aug 31st….surgery a week later, 20 hours after surgery, released out of the hospital to a nursing skilled facility where the average age was ppl in their 80’s smiles…but it was the best and cleanest in the area and I didn’t care… I thought my doc was drunk when he released me 20 hrs after surgery, however, it was a blessing…and I got on the road to recovery as I needed….not my timing…but what HP knew was best for me…

As I do believe in lessons also…this has been a lesson in accepting the things I can not change for quite some years now…haven’t been good about it….but things happen for a reason and I am blessed that these falls happened and I got a chance to have one of the best surgeons operate on a disc that has been deemed inoperable for 19 yrs. This fall was a lesson and a blessing. I am not angry at HP at all….this whole process of my body changing and my health and having to learn to change my way of living is an ongoing lesson and process. I have had to accept HP’s time not mine with everything that has happened in life.

NOW: With this surgery, I have nothing but time….I don’t have a choice, and if I do something that I am not ready for …believe me, I feel it, so I have one choice….to accept that my rehab from this surgery is going to take time…maybe even up to a year… that I can not bend lift or twist for the next 6 weeks and possibly no bending or twisting for life…lifting is going to be in time… TIME…time….. and I would be lying if I am making it look like things are peachy and rosey…trust me…I am going through depression, frustration, anger, frustration, screaming at times when something as simple as something dropping I can’t pick up…and I am reminded by my mom or others around me, “This too shall pass…in time…things will get better”…heck…I am only a little over 2 weeks out of major surgery and I am somewhat mobile…ppl say I am doing better then anticipated…and with that, I must be reminded to take it easy….

This did not happen overnight, acceptance, working this program…turning it over…however, it does happen, with time.. The promises are promised to us, in time….and if I am lucky…this thursday I will be celebrating 19 yrs of continuous recovery…ironically, 19 yrs ago when I walked into the program, I was recovered from my first back surgery (Jan, 92), same disc, same procedure, other side of the disc and it failed..this time it, so far, is deemed successful…how is that for time and full circle!!

Please share what TIME means to you…or anything else you might have gotten from the reading….again, apologies if I broke tradition and look forward to hearing your ESH!! Thanks for allowing me the honor to chair with that I pass…. Hugs

Dealing with Difficult Situations

Hi everyone. I am a bit nervous writing because I am coming up on a year next week without a drink and with a sponsor – – both being a very special blessing. What makes me nervous is I am thinking “how do I sound like someone who almost has a year??” Crazy right?! Because what you are reading is what someone, like me, who almost has a year sounds like. I have been sober before and I have been in relapse before…..and I have been a dry drunk before. The first time I really got sober was special. I had a sponsor at that time too. My life was very different. I was younger, healthier, and with only myself to be responsible for. Ghetto girl went to college and opportunities were limit-less. Although I have been in and out since that time I have never lost site of what could be for me. This time around is very different. My life situation is very different. My goals are different. I have a wonderful partner and a beautiful daughter. I am different.

So…I have been struggling with some medications issues lately. Not the usual what is safe to take/what is not safe to take stuff. I am starting new medications for my Hep C and they have to be authorized and sent through the insurance’s specialty pharmacy and after spending several weeks just getting things straight between my PCP and my liver doctor – – I now find myself spending time repeating the same info to the pharmacy, my doctor’s office and my medical insurance re: my policy information. (now I am worried this might be too long – – -) So trying to be brief I have had difficulty not only getting my doctor to agree to the medication (because of other medical issues), but then getting it authorized through my insurer and delivered to my door.

More of the story goes like this…I was also on two of these meds in the past and they did not work – now there is a new third med added to it and there seems to be a better response – – I have been on the first two meds for several trials so I know what to expect re: side effects. Also, I have a fear deep down “what if this doesn’t work??” So as you can imagine my head has been crazy at times. So when talking with my sponsor she said to share about what got me through all this; and my answer to her was that this is not my whole life. I know it would have been cooler to say the steps, the meetings, the support of the women in this program…but really, that is what I am saying because without you guys I would be drinking — this would be the perfect justification for that first (second, third, fourth…) drink. Instead I have been able to continue to work, be a mom, a partner, have fun and even start some trouble at times.

And, again, most importantly to not drink or drug. So this is a biggie for me. Being powerless in so many ways and just continuing to put one foot in front of the other and focusing on and in the moment. I have a sponsor that allows me to whine at times — which sometimes I need to do – -but my whining passes. I used to wonder why God would put me in a position to be sober and then not allow the medications to work to allow me to enjoy my sober life. Well, I think it has something to do with God allowing me to see that my sober life, which includes the Hep C, is worth something and that He will push me through when I am afraid.

So what I would like to read about is how other people have dealt with difficult situations in recovery (maybe some can share on health issues/acceptance), and how have these “situations” impacted their relationship with their Higher Power. Or just share about anything that is on your mind…This is your meeting.

Thanks for this opportunity to chair the meeting and welcome to all the new members.

Surrender/3rd Step

For the past couple weeks I have wanted to drink. I guess you could say I wanted to experiment, you know to see if I really really was an alcoholic, understand one thing, in one hand I know that I am but in the other hand the thought has been crossing my mind that maybe I should try it. Been attending many meetings because of this and have been sharing about it at the meetings. Doing alot of reading on AA literature trying to find my answer to this dilemna. Understand the last thing I want to do is relapse. It all came about because of the corn roast I held Sat of Labor Day weekend. I can’t be around people drinking without it crossing my mind. The funny part about it is there is no one that knows me that would allow me to buy or would even sell to me any alcohol.

Well anyway the corn roast went well I have not had to relapse but thinking about it really bothers me. So in talking to a gal in the program that I attend meetings with as much as we can (our work schedules collide alot) has been very worried about me because of this. She was talking to me the other night and she thinks that the reason I struggle with this now and than is because I have not “surrendered”. I struggle with meditation as my head is alot worse than any squirrel cage you could imagine. I worry about everything and everyone even if I don’t know them personally. So a gal I used to work with also struggles with meditation and a gal at her church told her to say her prayers and do her meditation out loud. So I am trying that.

Personally I do feel I have surrendered but after she talked to me about that I am questioning myself as to exactly what “surrender” is. I try very hard to let go and let God in situations where I have no control but I still worry about it. I trust God that whatever happens is what was meant to be. Doesn’t mean it does not upset me. I believe I work very hard at my program and it really bothers me that thoughts of drinking would even come into my mind. I know when I first came into the program it seemed as though everyone at the tables had relapsed once or more. I than thought maybe that was part of the program until my sponsor here online (no longer in the group) told me that relapse did not have to be a part of my program.

I feel that I have turned my will and life over to the care of God as I understand him but now I’m wondering if I really have. Maybe my way of doing it is not the right way, I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve had any huge spiritual experience but I do feel it was a spiritual experience the night I called my daughter and said I needed help. I believe that was God tapping me on the shoulder telling me to reach out for help.

Maybe you gals can share your ESH on this and help me too understand this whole deal with surrendering. If anyone has something else they need to share on please go for it.