Author Archives: Cheryl D

Freedom in Sobriety

Thank you for allowing me to be of service.

I’m aware we have many new members to Grow and many newcomers and returnees to the program and our fellowship. You are so welcome. I was told to listen for the similarities and ignore the differences, this freed me from my pessimism and my prejudices and probably helped save my life.

I was also encouraged to share and this helped free me from feelings of worthlessness. I began to see and feel I was a valid human being and an equal.

Whilst life is life and may present me with challenges or fun on any given day, just for today and for a few consecutive days now, I am free from active alcoholism. I am free from the prison of having to drink even when I didn’t want to. Free of the plotting and planning of how much, where, with whom.

This was the first freedom I experienced when I began my sober journey and began to understand and practice the principles in our 12 step program. I found freedom in understanding this disease, the condition of powerlessness as described in the AA literature.

I soon experienced freedom from my dishonesty. I was no longer sneaking around, denying my drinking or making out I was ok when I was dying inside. I was free to be honest!

And I learned a new kind of honesty in the rooms of AA. I heard members share with gut level honesty. They were putting words to the thoughts and feelings I’d buried for the ten years of my drinking. This was the beginning of freedom from my past.

Our Big Book talks about “a new freedom” (p.83, p.xxi). Two stories that give me hope that this program will continue to work and keep me free are My Chance To Live and Freedom From Bondage in the back section of the Big Book.

Today and each day I aim to bring the spiritual tools of our fellowship into my life. My consistency in doing this varies (progress not perfection!!). I find keeping these simple things a consistent priority is the easier softer way. As the path gets narrower and I have less wiggle room for Sophie’s way, I find the view gets better.

My freedom from fear and from anxiety seems to be connected to how willing I am to let go and let god. Right now I’ve been working on seeing it as a choice. I can choose worry, fear, anxiety or I can choose to say a little prayer and begin to let go of my fear & ego driven expectation. I then experience freedom from fear, and freedom from “the bondage of self”.

Connecting with some prayers, a reading or two, quiet time for a little meditation, seeking god’s will instead of bombarding life with my demands, being of service inside and outside of the fellowship; all of these offer me a freedom I never knew was possible. My favourite summing up of my “new freedom” is on p.124 in the 12&12

“we need no longer be square pegs in round holes but can fit and belong in God’s scheme of things…. no amount of pomp and circumstance, no heap of material possessions, could possibly be substitutes”.

Freedom to be me, freedom to feel good enough about being me, freedom to choose values and morals and live by them, freedom to find my personal Higher Power (the god of my own understanding); all gifts of my sobriety.

Thank you for being there and sharing the journey.

Please share if you can your hope, strength and experience around Freedom in Sobriety or on anything recovery related you wish to. Wishing you all a sober 24 hours.

Sophie

About Experience

Topic for the week: About Experience I have found that experience is the ONLY teacher, not just the BEST! I have also found that everything has a beginning and an ending, and that’s just the way it is! Everything in between is a composition (compilation) of what got me here!

Today I look back at all the experiences in my life – – -from the day I was born until now! They all comprise who I am today. At the time I thought a lot of those experiences were particularly icky and preferred not to go through them! Annnnnnnnnnnnd, what I have learned is that I have the most growth through adversity!

I found that my Higher Power had the “big plan” already laid out for me, so everything happened just the way it was planned ! I needn’t have tried to change ANY of it – –the original plan was perfect – – –and the way I tried to make it happen didn’t turn out so perfect!!! However it is what it is and today I am content with this!

Every morning after my meditation and prayer session I pray for guidance in WHATEVER is placed before me this day – – – – -there is generally a lesson my HP wants me to learn; so I put one foot in front of the other and put all my attention at the lesson at hand! If it is something that doesn’t please me, I go through it at the pace my HP wants me to go, knowing it is the BEST thing for me today! I am NEVER led wrong by my HP today. And all it took was many lessons in trust before I gave myself entirely to my HP!

I owe my life today to the Program and Fellowship to Alcoholics Anonymous! What a gift!!!

I look forward to your shares on how you perceive the experiences in your life – – — or anything else, relating to recovery, that you need to share on.

ACCEPTING AND ENJOYING WHAT IS! I hope you all are, too! Why not?

Susanne Murphys, CA 8/17/91

Forgiveness

I am honored to be chairing this meeting, especially because May 7 is my anniversary – 17 years of continuous sobriety. I have each of you to thank for the many ways you’ve helped me get through each day at a time without picking up a drink. Now I get to live in, not just get through, another day. Chairing this meeting is a small way to give back.

I’d like to follow up Cheryl’s great topic of self-acceptance with the topic of forgiveness, which many of you mentioned as an essential part of coming to self-acceptance. There are so many things I’ve come to understand in completely different ways through the program, forgiveness being a major one.

For the longest time, I held onto blaming my dad for my drinking. Actually, I blamed my husband, my job, myself, you name it, but I really believed it all began because of my dad. Alcohol kept me imprisoned in the teenaged mindset of who I was when I started drinking – blaming anyone and everyone for everything, and underneath it all was blaming myself just for being who I am. Talk about lack of self-acceptance, or acceptance of anything!

With a lot of help from all of you who understand me (just because I’m an alcoholic!), I have come to see that, like almost everything else, forgiveness is a process that’s not as simple as I thought it was. I certainly don’t do this perfectly, but now I know when my heart has been relieved of that rock of blame and forgiveness becomes possible.

It goes something like this: For whatever reason (argument, acting badly, hungry, angry, lonely, tired, whatever) I find myself feeling all kinds of negative emotions. My natural instinct is to blame – if I can blame you, I don’t have to look inside me. That kind of thinking kept me drinking. If I do look inside me, it’s all my fault. That kind of thinking kept me drinking for sure! But the idea of how forgiveness can help me stay sober reminds me that blaming doesn’t work anymore for me. I have to go deeper than self-blame. The phrase, “every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us,” comes back to me, and I shift my focus deeper into myself. I can usually trace my disturbance back to some ancient FEAR (Forgetting Everything?s All Right), which leads me back to my higher power, and I can release my grip on blame. Suddenly I can breathe again, and I can honestly say, “Thank you for giving me this experience,” this opportunity to get all the way to true forgiveness. When I can feel gratitude for another chance to accept and forgive myself, I can make genuine amends. Quite a far cry from having to anesthetize all of this with booze!

Please feel free to share about forgiveness or anything else that would help you right now. Thank you all for this opportunity to be of service!

The Slogans

I find that the Slogans (brief attention-getting phrases) are great tools to use whenever I am talking to another alcoholic because we realize the depth behind the sayings. I have also used some of the Slogans outside of AA when talking to family and other friends, and in my daily routines. My favourite one is: “But for the Grace of God” because I didn’t get the gift of sobriety due to anything great or wonderful that I did so I can’t take too much credit for it. If not for God’s Grace and Mercy in leading me to AA and a chance at a better life, I don’t know where I’d be today – likely nowhere.

Some of the most recognizable Slogans/expressions are as follows although there are hundreds of these that we use:

First Things First: Helps me to remember that alcohol is my number one problem so I must not let any other problems in my life take precedence over this one.

Live and Let Live: Reminds me to show patience and tolerance toward people, both in and out of the rooms, who think and act differently than I.

Just for Today: I was told early on that I didn’t have to think about staying sober forever but just for one day – today. Heck, I could do that! I was quite relieved to hear this in that could it possibly mean that I could drink again? LOL.

You Are No Longer Alone: Reminds me that I have a sponsor and close AA friends that I can talk to so that I don’t have to work on my problems by myself. Help is usually just a phone call or email away.

Fake It Till You Make It: Although probably not a ‘true’ slogan (i.e. original), this one helps me to stick around until I ‘get’ it; e.g. even though I was not a true believer that praying for someone night and day would help me to get rid of a resentment I had toward another person, I prayed as the Big Book suggested and the resentment did go away.

Which Slogans helped you the most in early sobriety? Which ones do you use the most today? Do you consider them as valuable tools to use in daily living?

Thanks for the opportunity to share today with you and for being along with me on my life’s journey in sobriety. I look forward to hearing from you.

Hugs,

Laura G.

6/17/1989

Half Measures Avail Us Nothing

My name is Tanya and I am an alcoholic. I was going to share on something else however after reading through the How it Works…I gravitated to this very simple yet powerful words. “Half measures avail us nothing.”

I came into AA in December of 1998…and I struggled for many years. It wasn’t until I came back to A.A. that I truly stood at that turning point and it wasn’t pretty how I asked for the protection of this higher power I could not see. It was painful to let go with complete abandonment.

When I think back at that time a tear comes to my eye…very painful time. I found GROW around this time too.

This program…its steps, traditions and promises truly are miraculous…when you let go, that is.

Where am I going with this? Funny … half the time I do not know where my shares lead me only that when I do share my experience, my strength and my hope (no matter how little that hope may be at that time)…it leads me to an awareness that gives me to acceptance of that person, place or thing I face which in-turn leads me to action.

Awareness, Acceptance and Action. Powerful words.

There was a time where my life was really dark, very dark. Everyday felt like acid running through my veins and trying to work, hell just trying to live was like climbing Mount Everest. The fear was paralyzing and it took every ounce of my body to just show up. My Stephen King mind would make the shadows an Eager Allen novel. I hated life and I hated me. However,…

I kept coming back.

And when I loss all (including my own mind)…I had no where to turn…I stood at a turning point in my life. I worked hard my AA and Al-anon programs and then there came a moment where I realized the struggle I had in the beginning was truly self-induced.

I was not able to be honest with myself and I truly did try to find the “short-cuts”, you know that easier softer way and stay married in a very unhealthy relationship. I stayed sober those many years but it was the hell-hole of dry drunkenness, feeling every painful twisted feeling I could conjure up. It was a bottom beyond the bottom that secured my membership to these rooms.

Step-work, service-work, sponsorship, and my sober community held me up until I could rise from the fog.

Sobriety is not easy, no one ever said it would be. Half measures had to go. I threw myself in with two feet. Utter abandonment to program that seemed so simple yet so freaking hard. I followed the path not knowing where I was going…only that I was doing the next right step for me at that moment.

Where am I today, I am married to an amazing spouse that truly has lifted me out of my past and given me a chance to see what love is truly about.

And I am to having to face the ugly part of our addiction and relive a painful past in the manipulation of young tenant that truly threatens the serenity of my core and that of my daughter’s. Both my daughter and I are facing our daemons.

A path we both must take. Please pray for us as we all know that only the person in the addiction has to be the one that wants to stop, not the parents or anyone else. Interesting as I write this I am seeing an awareness that I did not see before which is a gift. Thank you for that.

So my dear sisters of GROW. Please share your own experience, strength and hope on that realization when you saw how “half measures” really did not work? And as always do share what you need to share.

Thank you for the gift of you.

With grateful heart, Tanya C

Control

My choice of topic reflects where I am today – having an AFGO! I am in an unusual (for me) situation where I have a leadership position. I’ve always thought of myself as very flexible with few control issues. WRONG! It is very hard for me to know where the line is between ‘leading’ and ‘controlling.’

There are roles in life that require a person to direct others – like parents trying to raise healthy, morally-based children and managers/supervisors within organizations. Giving instructions, offering criticism, and awarding positive behavior are inherent in the role.

Yet, the Big Book tells us that: “Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way” (pg. 60) and then “What usually happens? The show doesn’t come off very well.” (pg. 61)

At my f2f BB meeting yesterday, I shared about this predicament. A woman in the meeting said, “I know I’m not supposed to try to be the director, but my business card says I AM the Director!” Responsible for the performance of hundreds of employees, she lives with this contradiction every day.

My predicament right now is the line is between fulfilling the role of leader (or parent or boss) and being the self-centered controlling Director. I may think I am doing the right thing when I really am just trying to get my way. Where is the line between fulfilling your role and using the role to express some character defects?

Control issues crop up at the most inconvenient times! I have to check my motives when I want to tell someone else what to do. Am I contributing in a positive way to the situation? Am I approaching it with, as the BB says, love and tolerance?

This topic doesn’t have a direct relationship to alcohol or drinking. But when I was drinking, these thoughts would never have occurred to me. I’d have pushed for my way no matter what the consequences. AA and the 12 Steps have taught me to take a step back, to breathe, and to look at my part in any situation where I feel uncomfortable or unhappy – or where I’m making others uncomfortable or unhappy.

This week, I invite you to share with us your experience, strength, and hope related to fulfilling your roles in life while also being faithful to the principles of the AA program. And, of course, please feel free to share on anything you need to.

Willingness

Hello, women of GROW!

I recently made my last outstanding amend. Most of my 9th Step amends I made quickly. This one took 4 years. What it boiled down to was my lack of willingness.

Step 8 reminds me that willingness precedes action. I was anxious to do this amend, but I still had anger. I was not 100% focused on my part.

Then, the person came to town. And I realized I was no longer interested in her part. I was interested in behaving in a way I could be proud of. Which, in this case, meant apologizing for being a jerk.

I was willing to do something uncomfortable in the interest of growing as a person.

Willingness to act, even when I feel fear, has been one of the biggest changes I have experienced since getting sober.

Now I am more willing to try new things, to make mistakes. When I am willing I open myself to my HP’s will for me. In fact, willingness led me to my HP!

Taking the first Step was the beginning of this journey.

I’d love to hear about your experience of willingness in sobriety or anything else that is happening in your program this week.

Thank you for allowing me to be of service.

Kirsten

Keep It Simple

Hello all you lovely ladies of GROW, I’m Susan and an alcoholic. I chose the topic “Keep it Simple” becaue it’s a unique struggle for me; I find that it’s so much easier said than done! On the one hand, I long for the luxury of simplicity in all areas of my life – relationships, career, my program, working the 12 steps. But often when I make choices to move in that direction, I feel a lot of GUILT! I.e., I must not be doing enough, analyzing enough, planning enough, and of course cotrolling enough (back to last week’s bus driver).

Perhaps I just need a lot more practice and conversations with my HP to get better at ‘keeping it simple’. I want to reap the serenity without the guilt! In the meantime, I would like to hear your shares on this topic, especially if you have a similar challenge and how you handle it. I learn so much from all of you… (Example: I’m trying to keep this share short and simple but I feel like it’s not long enough – LOL!)

Thank you for being here ladies, have a wonderful sober week!

Susan P.

Who is Driving the Bus?

Hi Ladies. My name is Alison and I am an alcoholic. Welcome new gals, and congratulations to our celebrants!

I am still a planner and an organizer. I make lists and cross stuff off. In fact, if I forgot to put something on the list, I may actually add it to the list after I have completed the task and then proceed to cross it off! Lol So, being as how I like to plan and organize, it was difficult for me to let God drive the bus when I first sobered up.

I was constantly taking the wheel and driving myself where I wanted to go. I found through trial and error, mostly error, that my Higher Power might have a better plan. I have learned over the years that God’s plan doesn’t always come with an itinerary! I have to trust my Higher Power more often than not. When I was new in sobriety I had a lot of difficulty figuring out if I was following God’s will, or my own will. (If the outcome was not to my liking, it was usually self-will at work.)

It seems that my Higher Power is full of surprises. I have come to figure out for myself that God’s will is very clear to me. It does not need my discernment or calculations or machinations. It has gotten easier to “Let Go and Let God” with the passage of sober time.

I have been ill for nearly 8 months now. I traipse from one specialist to another, and in all honesty, I and the doctors are left with more questions than answers, and yet doctor appointments continue to be the next indicated thing for me. I am in the research and discovery stage still. My medical case is complicated. It is frustrating, though I do have some answers and feel like I am moving closer to a diagnosis, which means a solution in my book. I have to trust in the process, do the footwork and let God handle it. My Higher Power has got this. I just forget that every now and again. So, for this week anyway, I am going to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride!

Blessings, Alison B.

What is Your Bubble to Stay Sober?

So, it’s Saturday night and I went to acupuncture and the grocery store. Now, I’m home and I’m really perfectly content. My life as a sober alcoholic has changed a lot in how I deal with stress, how I socialize and who I socialize with. I really enjoy listening to a sobriety podcast called, “The Bubble Hour.” The name was chosen because of the idea that each of us have strategies that protect us, like a bubble, to keep us sober.

My bubble:

I’ve found my new happy hours after a stressful day of work: acupuncture or hot yoga. I’ve come to enjoy them more than I ever did drinking at happy hour and feel more relaxed afterwards…but I at first I resented it. My new habits, while healthier, sometimes seem boring and I wonder if I’m missing out. My Friday nights could be hot yoga, an AA meeting, a movie at home or a dinner at a friend’s house. I’ve relaxed into this flow. I find scheduling my week with my appts, AA meetings, exercise and a to-do list helps me. I try to start my day with meditation and prayer and listen to a podcast relating to sobriety while I’m getting ready for work.

Someone at a meeting recently said something that made sense, “You put together a good day.” It is kind of like that for me. I plan the activities and practices that will help me have a better week. The friends I have now happen to be non-drinkers or normal drinkers. I am not really around drinkers that much, so my activities with friends are going for coffee, meeting up for exercise, dinner…. I also like trying “fancy” nonalcoholic drinks like different flavored or sparking waters. Sometimes I even put them in a wine class.

It’s a different life, but I know I’m healthier. My focus is more on taking advantage of opportunities to try new events, rather than drinking wine at home alone (boring!!!). So really, what was so exciting about that life I’m ‘missing?’

My topic for this week is what is your bubble to stay sober? Hope you have a peaceful and sober week. – Jessica 6/28/16

Step 10

Step 10 “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.”

This is by far my favorite step because it allows me to purge each day. If I am taking constructive daily review in written inventory, when I do my annual reworking of the Steps then my 4th, 5th, 6th and 9th steps are not as overwhelming because of the daily maintenance of Step 10.

Steps 4-9 are to “prepare us” for daily living, the AA way of life, “One Day at a Time.” The obsession to drink and the insanity has been removed. In Step 10, we are returned to sanity. In Steps 10-12 we maintain the new order of things — and we grow in understanding and effectiveness.

When I start to “cut back” on daily inventory the reconstruction of ego commences. I will start to Minimize, Justify and Rationalize the white lie, the road rage, the keeping that text secret, the judging her, the blaming him, any and all actions that cut me off from God’s light. If I am cut off from that light I start worshiping myself again. My soul will get hungry so I will drain your light, my boyfriends light, anyone’s light because I am not getting fed. No light, no purpose…And so begins….THE CHATTER! I can not get fed on yesterday’s inventory, steps, gratitude list, service to others, prayer and meditation. You eat food everyday, you don’t just eat once and ride on that for days, weeks, years…Same applies.

Inventory allows me to see where I fell short. What were my motives? Who did I hurt? Why do I say that? Who was I rude to? Why did I sabotage this? Why do I put so much effort into looking good on social media? Do I put half the effort into my sobriety and growth that I do playing a role or living up to an illusion of what others think of me? How does my home life look? How do I treat my partner?

These questions, being completely HONEST with myself, putting it on paper, practicing the opposite tomorrow will ensure that I continue to grow. If I am NOT growing, I am dying…My alcoholism/ego mind wants me dead but will settle for me drunk or dry drunk and miserable. This predator, I call the ego mind, not only hates me but HATES people who love me and will hurt them too if the light is cut from my soul. This is why I drank the way I did, as long as I did. I was living off the light I had before I started drinking or drain others of theirs then piling on more garbage by what I was doing while I was drinking.

Zero nourishment/light so my body and soul suffered because I was trying to “think” my way out using the same mind that got me this way running on animal instinct and creating chaos. My mind/ego could not be trusted as integrity is NOT a mental construct.

Maintaining a constant vigilance is vital as to not became vampiric…sucking others dry with complacency.

When I have a life of inventory, discipline and discernment, freedom from being enslaved by booze and other people’s perceptions is the byproduct. Freedom is in the discipline of Step 10.

When I first started this process I didn’t really understand how to carry out this Step. Do I just sit and think about my day? NO!!!! Thinking is my worst enemy! So when it was finally revealed to me what Step 10 entailed I saw it more than just keeping a journal but more as a opportunity take part in my sobriety by putting pen to paper as Awaken God Conscious Human Being. Not the automaton that I once was because I was cut off from my soul. The Big Book says about Step 10:

We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Pg 84

How do you practice Step 10 daily?

Thank you for to opportunity to be of service…

Love in the Sunlight of the Spirit! Hilarie

Design for Living That Works in Rough Going

Hello all. A few weeks ago, we were reading Bill’s Story from the Big Book in a meeting. Of course, the climax comes when an old drinking buddy (Ebby T) comes to visit and, to Bill’s surprise, Ebby is sober. During their talk, Ebby laid out the foundations of a new way of life – drastic and simple – that he had learned about and that was keeping him sober. After Bill accepts this process as a new way of life (the process became the 12 steps; what Bill did is found on pp. 12-15), Ebby made clear “… the absolute necessity of demonstrating these principles in all my affairs…. Faith without works was dead, he said. And how appallingly true for the alcoholic. For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead.” (pp. 14-15), Then Bill went on to write briefly about some of the hard times he had after sobriety and how he wasn’t always well and how he was met with disbelief from many.

Bill then says “… I soon found that when all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic would save the day. Many times I have gone to my old hospital in despair. On talking to a man there, I would be amazingly lifted up and set on my feet. It is a design for living that works in rough going.” (p. 15)

“It is a design for living that works in rough going.” That sentence jumped off the page at me.

To not only find that the 12 steps could help me stay sober, day after day (one day at a time), and that if I continue, every day, to focus on my connection with a Higher Power of my understanding and to reach out to be with and help as I can other alcoholics – that I can stay sober – has been amazing.

Against all “logic” that I tried to use when I was drinking, this strange program of 12 steps and continuous service is “A design for living that works in rough going” – not just the bright and cheerful times, not just in the spring and summer – but in all times and in all circumstances and especially when I’m stuck in a morass of sorrow or other difficult circumstances.

I would love to hear how you find this a program, a “design for living that works in rough going” – or in anything else suggested by your current life circumstances or by Bill’s story.

Thank you.

Reliance on God

How do you depend and rely on God or your Higher Power for strength in your life? How do you let God act through you to help others?

Please share on how your Higher Power uses you to help others and how relying on God or your Higher Power is different than self-reliance.

Thanks for the chance to lead this week. I am pinch hitting for our regularly scheduled leader. Sorry this is a wee bit late.

Sherrie W.

Dealing With Grief in Sobriety

Hi dear ladies of GROW, Nancy C an alcoholic here. God willing, I will have 20 years of sobriety, One Day At A Time, next Saturday! This past year has been one of many lows and many changes. My dear husband of almost 51 years died very suddenly August 27 and then my sponsor and dear friend Jean (AFGO) died 6 weeks later.

Thankfully I had God, AA and AA friends to help, guide and support me. There are 5 of us, who attend a 12 step retreat twice a year, that have each lost our husbands since last March. We live in different areas but we are constantly checking on each other and supporting each other.

My family and friends and neighbours have all been so helpful and supportive and I am so grateful…

Daily I go to Step 1 because my world has turned upside down and I am completely powerless. Avoiding my feelings and suppressing my emotions are old behaviors that need to be dealt with upfront. There is no timetable for grief and I use the principles of AA to get through each day, sometimes minute by minute.

I’d love to hear how you ladies have dealt with grief. Thank you for allowing me to chair this week.

Humility

I always thought I was such a humble and giving person. I wanted YOU to see my self sacrifice and then YOU would praise me and hold me in high esteem. Sounds humble-eh?

I finally got out this deep ugly, yucky secret that I have skirted around for a long time. Coming face to face with my “sins” and admitting them to God, myself and then sponsor. It has humbling. She suggested that I start daily getting on my knees and praying. At one point I did regularly and then I stopped. So I have been doing that and it is humbling. I have been praying the third and seventh step prayers. This morning I was reading about step 7 in the 12 and 12.

I want to change, I want the change in my attitude. I’m pretty self centered–I never would have admitted that before.

The Seventh Step is where we make the change in our attitude which permits us, with humility as our guide, to move out from ourselves toward others and toward God. The whole emphasis of Step Seven is on humility. It is really saying to us that we now ought to be willing to try humility in seeking the removal of our other shortcomings just as we did when we admitted that we were powerless over alcohol, and came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. If that degree of humility could enable us to find the grace by which such a deadly obsession could be banished, then there must be hope of the same result respecting any other problem we could possibly have.” (Pg 76 from 12n12)

Please feel free to share on humility or anything else you wish. I cherish this group.

Kind Regards, Karrie

Laughter

Dear GROWers,

Thank you for allowing me to chair this week on the anniversary of my last drink, January 22, 1989. I have not had to drink a drink of alcohol nor to take any mind- or mood-altering substances in 28 years. Without our amazing program, I would surely have died from complications of liver disease.

To begin our topic for this week, I quote from the Big Book:

I began to see the miracles that happen only in AA. People who would nearly crawl in the doors, sick and broken, and in a few weeks of meetings and not drinking one day at a time would get their health back, find a little job and friends who really cared, and then discover a God in their lives.

But the most compelling part of AA, the part that made me want to try this sober thing, was the laughter, the pure joy of the laughter that I heard from sober alcoholics. – Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 333

Please share a funny story about your time in sobriety, or how you feel about the laughter in the rooms. Did this help you to keep coming back?

Thank you for reading me and as always, hugs to all who want one from me! – Gigi

We Absolutely Insist on Enjoying Life

Hi I’m Jennifer, A women in long term recovery…and thank you Sherrie for allowing me to be of service to the group. I am a what seems to be a silent memeber, however, I read often and try to chair when I can. I would like to welcome all who are new to the group and all the newcomers, those returning to us and a big congrats to any all our celebrants!! I do a group thing…smiles.

When I took this opportunity to step up, I prayed for a topic, you see, this year has not been so kind to me thus far. I started it off with a vacation in the hospital for the first weekend of the month. Then came home to recovery from that only to have two major home appliances go on me at the same time (AC and Hot water heater), my new service puppy in training to become sick and although I have a spouse, he is not as supportive as I could use…so..It’s been extremely challenging…So you say, Jennifer, really you enjoying life?

Well, when I was new in recovery, about 18 mo in, I was dating a guy who loved the BB and he would go through my book and underline the parts he loved. On page 132, he said, “count down 17 lines from the top, and then from the bottom count up 17 lines. Ok, now count in two words from the right in, and then two words for the left in….what is right smack in the middle of this page?” So, I did this…low and behold, it said, “We absolutely insist on enjoying life”. Wow, right there in the middle of the page. And for some reason, that gave me hope. You see, from about 18 month til today, I have dealth with a lot of changes. I became very ill about 18 mo in recovery and have dealth with a lot of physical, spiritual, mental and health challenges along with significant losses. Through it all, I have not found it necessary to drink and I have found that in the moments that I am able to “move about the cabin” as I joke about being about to get out of the house to do errands or on a great day, go out to a party or something fun, I enjoy it to the fullest.

Sobriety didn’t equal no more fun or enjoying life, it actually was a beautiful beginning of sorts of how to deal with life on life’s terms and enjoy life without being drunk or numbing the situation. “We absolutely INSIST on ejoying life” and I do. Through it all, I really do. It could even be as simple as my puppy giving me her puppy eyes today or a puppy kiss, or mastering a task we are working on. My hubby when he is having a moment of support, bringing me roses just because he has realized I’m having a bad week (I got roses yesterday)…or being able to go to my friend’s 50th bday party at thier home, knowing that there will be drinking, and being able to be spiritually fit to bring my own drink (my drink of choice is coconut water, smiles) and sitting by their fire pit and it not being any of my buisness what others are doing (my hubby does not drink, he’s a normie but does not drink at all, so I have him there). Last night, I really enjoyed getting out and enjoying life. Especially after the heck I’ve been through this month.

I have one more hump to get over Tuesday, It’s the one year anniversary of when I had to place my heart dog, Haylee Jo, my service dog of 13.4 years to peace, and my heart still breaks everyday for her, however, I am sure I will not drink over it, and that she would want me to continue to enjoy life just as she did everyday of hers!!

So I would love to hear your ESH on what this means to you or anything else that is on your heart today. Again, thank you for allowing me to be of service, sorry if this was long….blessings

In God’s Hands

“When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God’s hands were better than anything we could have planned.” Alcoholics Anonymous, p.100

Excerpt taken from As Bill Sees It, No. 2

Hi everyone,

Twice this week I’ve had to go back and look at my trust is God, as I understand him…

The first, as I’m praying for the courage to change, to ask him with whatever humility I could muster, in not acting out, being argumentative, getting belligerent, … and trusting that whatever he gives me, I can handle.

Second, when again facing questions of relationships, reminding myself, God has plans for me far more than what I know or can conceive.

I remember my first meeting, drunk, hearing the word surrender. It was a lady from North Carolina. I thought, “lady, that civil war was 200 years ago and we are in Europe!”

But she was so right. All I can do is surrender. Surrender, myself, my fears, my short comings, my life. The gift of desperation leads to peace. If I turn it over.

How do you surrender? How do you trust? What does God’s care mean to you?

Thank you for letting me lead this week 🙂 Hugs, Nydia

Your Actions When No One is Watching

Lynn, alcoholic here.

I read this in my Keep It Simple daily meditations and it really stuck a nerve. “We learn that even if we can get away with something, we can’t get away from ourselves” In my using days I spent all my time figuring out; how to be half drunk without my family knowing, how to get more alcohol without my husband knowing, where I could hide the booze so no one would know I was drinking, what different public trashcan I could throw my empties so no one at home would know. I was always looking for avenues to get away with my drinking because everyone else cared if I did, but I sure didn’t. I thought I was so smart, sneaking and scoring big when I pulled one over on people. I think you all know where I ended up with this thought process.

I thank my HP for leading me to my first AA meeting and my road to recovery. I worked the steps with everything in me and did everything they told me. It was a white knuckler most days and I stumbled but my HP got me back up. As time passed and I added up days of sobriety I noticed a change in myself as far as personal responsibility. I could sneak drinks and no one would notice but I would! I cared if I stumbled. I cared about how I would feel if I relapsed. Who was this and what the heck happened to the sneaky drunk that looked like me? Not only was I not drinking but I cared what I did and how I acted when no one else noticed. I cared. I had formed a responsibility to myself as well as my HP.

Ladies, how did you come to the point where you cared what you did even if no one else would know? Please share this or whatever you need to talk about today. The meeting is now yours. Have a sober and Happy New Year ladies!

Lynn H. DOS 9/30/96

Deep Breath, and Pause, Exhale, Deep Breath and Pause, Exhale, Deep Breath, Pause,….Exhale

My name is Laurie and I am a grateful recovering Alcoholic.

Today is the first day of a new year. Today is also the first day of the rest of your life.

Today I woke up sober, and happy, looking forward to the challenges, opportunities, joys that today will bring.

I have been tossing back and forth between acceptance and first step, but New Years Resolutions keep popping into my brain….SO… this seems particularly important when so many of us are making New Years Resolutions wanting our lives to be different.

My life certainly is different from the three pots of coffee hangovers I had on a daily basis. I was so out of balance and didn’t know how to care for myself when I came in the rooms. My sponsor has taught me that I have 5 areas to work with. Physical, Emotional, Social, Spiritual and Intellectual. That I need to put something in each account, each day.

I have found that if I am telling myself musts or that it’s work- I make things so much harder on myself. So I try to find things I enjoy, for example:

• Physical – yoga, horseback riding, any type of physical exercise, sex
• Emotional – I try to have a least one conversation a day when I am fully paying attention to the person and my feelings.
• Social – I go to work, and a meeting 3 to 4 times a week, If I am home, I make an effort to call and talk to someone, just because I care.
• Spiritual- For me, I pray, Meditate, but my horses are also a spiritual outlet, as sex can be too.
• Intellectual- That’s’ Grow, and Meetings and YouTube and another group of Like minded Individuals that I have started attending meetings with. My brain is much happier stimulated. I am seldom bored.

This topic does tie in with ” our lives were unmanageable….. “were” being a past tense for many of us. There are so many tools to care of each of our five areas, I thought it might be interesting to hear how you care for each of these aspects of self, and any New Years Resolutions you may have, and how you are kind to yourself while learning to balance life.

Of course if there is anything you feel the need to share, please do… we are here to listen.

Happy New Years Ladies, May all your dreams come true. – Laurie 2-99

The Promises

Good Sunday afternoon GROW Sisters! I am very grateful for the opportunity to be of service today as our topic chair! Thank you so much for the many birthday wishes as I celebrated my 2 year sober birthday last week!!

This week’s topic comes from the “Family Afterward” section of the BB, and with us in the thick of the holiday season, I thought it an appropriate topic. The BB states:

“We have been speaking to you of serious, sometimes tragic things. We have been dealing with alcohol in its worst aspect. But we aren’t a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn’t want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. We try not to indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations, nor do we carry the world’s troubles on our shoulders…

So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness. Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we burst into merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn’t we laugh? We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others.”

I love this because it reminds me that in sobriety, I can still be joyous, happy and free. My days as a drunk often ended with me being bitchy and I lived a very cynical life. EVERYTHING bothered me- molehills were mountains at every turn. But in sobriety, I’ve learned to pause and accept life on life’s terms. To be honest, this doesn’t just happen, I have to put in the work, have a good Program, communicate my feelings, and talk to my sponsor and other alcoholics to get out of my own brain. I don’t have to see doom and gloom at every turn, I can laugh and find joy in the smallest areas.

With the holidays, I have to stay in touch with my Higher Power, not give in to the stress and take care of myself. I waited until the last minute to go Christmas shopping, so why am I mad at the traffic??!! A little self-talk goes a long way. I can change my “stinking thinking.”

So, my sober sisters, I would love for you to share how you’re going to find joy in this season that can be stressful enough to make folks drink. How will you handle the life without being irritable, restless and discontent?

If something else is on your mind, please share that, too. Thank you for allowing me to chair; the floor is now open to you.

We Are Not a Glum Lot

Good Sunday afternoon GROW Sisters! I am very grateful for the opportunity to be of service today as our topic chair! Thank you so much for the many birthday wishes as I celebrated my 2 year sober birthday last week!!

This week’s topic comes from the “Family Afterward” section of the BB, and with us in the thick of the holiday season, I thought it an appropriate topic. The BB states:

“We have been speaking to you of serious, sometimes tragic things. We have been dealing with alcohol in its worst aspect. But we aren’t a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn’t want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. We try not to indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations, nor do we carry the world’s troubles on our shoulders…

So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness. Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we burst into merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn’t we laugh? We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others.”

I love this because it reminds me that in sobriety, I can still be joyous, happy and free. My days as a drunk often ended with me being bitchy and I lived a very cynical life. EVERYTHING bothered me- molehills were mountains at every turn. But in sobriety, I’ve learned to pause and accept life on life’s terms. To be honest, this doesn’t just happen, I have to put in the work, have a good Program, communicate my feelings, and talk to my sponsor and other alcoholics to get out of my own brain. I don’t have to see doom and gloom at every turn, I can laugh and find joy in the smallest areas.

With the holidays, I have to stay in touch with my Higher Power, not give in to the stress and take care of myself. I waited until the last minute to go Christmas shopping, so why am I mad at the traffic??!! A little self-talk goes a long way. I can change my “stinking thinking.”

So, my sober sisters, I would love for you to share how you’re going to find joy in this season that can be stressful enough to make folks drink. How will you handle the life without being irritable, restless and discontent?

If something else is on your mind, please share that, too. Thank you for allowing me to chair; the floor is now open to you.

Staying Sober…No Matter What

Sorry Ladies for getting this out a bit late today…I’m Jennifer and I’m a women in long term recovery. I would like to send congrats to all of our celebrants past and present…and welcome all the newcomers both coming here for the first time and those joining us. I am not an active participant in sharing, however, I am active in reading. Due to health challenges, it’s difficult a lot of times to type. With that being said, I like to be of service when I can so thank you for the honor.

I have been going through a lot of changes. I have, as I mentioned, health challenges which are ever changing and apparently progressive. I never know what the day will bring until I am able to get up for the morning. Some days it’s like I don’t have many limitations, other days, like today, I’m unable to do much of anything.

The good news today is, I don’t have to drink over it. No matter what. The program has afforded me some very rich tools in the form of having a sponsor, a network, the steps, trads, slogans, meetings and most importantly, a connection to something greater then myself which I choose to call HP (Higher Power).

A few things have helped me stay sober during my challenging times. Learning about having and living “A New Normal”. This is where I look at what I am able to to, rather then what I’m not able to do and live within those parameters with gratitude and acceptance. When I am in acceptance of these changes, then they become “normal…or my new normal” and I don’t have to live in anger or contentment. Like when I first got sober…old normal was to drink over my emotions. My new normal became using the 12 steps and tools of the program to not drink over my emotions.

My dear friend Claudia, who recently passed away (natural causes and sober) use to say, “take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minutue at a time (and she would add) one breath at a time”. We would say to each other, (ODAT–OHAT–OMAT–OBAT) and “Just Breath”..that I can do!! She also had one other saying…when she would be in her “stuff” she would say, “Ok, I’m done being on the pity pot, time to flush”!! I love that!! I try not to stay on too long these days, and by coming to a meeting or sharing with another alcoholic, I can then flush a lot quicker then in early sobriety…I use to have to pry myself off the potty, smiles. Today I chose to not sit too long.

So, this is totally not anywhere near what I was going to chair about smiles..so I think for a topic…and since the holidays are approaching and times can be challenging…I’d like to throw out there a topic of :: “Staying sober..No Matter What”…how do you do that today?

Thanks for letting me be of service…If this topic does not resinate with you, please share from your heart anything that is AA 12 step related that resinates with you today. Blessings and in service, Jennifer

Expectations Low, Acceptance High

Good Sunday morning GROW Sisters! Elizabeth, a very grateful alcoholic here. I am also very grateful for the opportunity to be of service today as our topic chair!

For our topic, I have selected the phrase I often hear in meetings and read online, keeping expectations low and acceptance high in regards to people, place and things.

I have found this phrase to be extremely helpful in keeping me in balance and more serene throughout my sobriety. It was introduced to me early in my recovery and have used it as part of my AA ‘code’ again and again.

It has been particularly helpful recently with a life on life’s terms situation with the father of my children. We have had a very negative encounter this past week. Keeping my expectations low, as he is an active alcoholic and addict, and acceptance high as acceptance is the key to all things, has helped me so much in refraining from engaging in the ‘junk’ that has been spewed my way.

I am so so grateful to have a program with gems like this phrase to help me deal with life on life’s terms as a strong and steady sober woman of grace, staying close to my God, staying connected with my sponsor, sharing with a very few people in my network, using prayer and meditation to maintain my conscience contact.

Thank you for letting me be of service. The meeting is yours. Please feel to share on this topic or anything that is in your heart and needs to be shared with the group.

In gratitude and appreciation and with love, Elizabeth

A Vision For You

“Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven’t got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.

Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.

May God bless you and keep you-until then.”

I was thinking about how I have enjoyed having a couple days off of work, spending time with my husband and daughter… yet I’ve allowed my extended family to disrupt my peace and serenity.

When I was reading these paragraphs from the book, I realized over the past week I have been slightly off my routine and perhaps (definitely) that’s why. I’ve been relying on the work I have done up to this week. And I haven’t quite been working as hard. Haven’t been as diligent or humble in my thoughts and words.

I have to work this program every single day. In the same way, in order to stay in my right mind.

It’s a simple program. I just have to work it every day! Follow the suggestions of those that have come before me. I don’t get a day off like I do from work. Every day I wake up an untreated alcoholic. When I get connected with my God and follow the suggestions, life is good. When I don’t, it’s not. Plain and simple.

The good news is I have the awareness and can make changes right now!

Thank you for letting me be of service. I’m grateful for the opportunity to get back into the book and be reminded how good life is when I’m doing the work!

Please share on this topic or anything that’s on your mind.

Steps 4 and 5

I prayed on what the topic should be. I am a new member of Grow. I just celebrated 6 months sobriety. As I head towards this step, I am afraid of some truths and worry I will fall into the despair of depression. Looking at me is difficult. And now I have to do this and tell someone. But here I go!!!

From the Big Book, “It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent, we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile.” Chapter 5, How it works, page 66. I have squandered many an hour blaming other people. My reactions and attitude, especially in my drinking were awful.

Now I get to understand my part in the whole thing. To review my short comings was something I never thought of. It was not my fault that everyone had attitudes and issues. I never thought to look and see how my attitude and issues affected everyone else. Sitting with a pen, paper and deep reflection I can now see the part I played. But what about telling someone? Fear, comes into mind. What will my sponsor think of me? The horrible person I have been. I try to remember the others who have taken this step. They talk of release and relief. The sense of peace that comes with admitting out loud and the promise that my HP will help remove these shortcomings if I ask. What a glorious thing to happen. To be rid of past and all the baggage I have dragged with me all this time.

“This vital step was also the means by which we began to get the feeling that we could be forgiven, no matter what we had done.” From Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions Step Five, page 57-58.

How did you get ready for these steps without getting trapped in regrets? What was it like when you finished step 5?

Thank you.

This topic is now open for discussion.

Fear

Good morning friends. My name is Karrie and I am an alcoholic. Today I Celebrate my third anniversary in sobriety. Yahooooo. I am incredibly grateful to my higher power and to AA. It is only by the grace of a power greater than myself that I am here writing this morning. So many positive and beautiful things have happened since I put the bottle down. It’s not always been easy but it sure is a lot better then I ever imagined it could be.

As I sit here writing, I am struggling with a topic that will sound spiritual and that you all will say “WOW look at this girl she has it going on.” So I think I’ll skip over all of that. Over and over I find myself trying to please people. Working a fourth step with my sponsor, I have come to see that I am seeking love and approval from people by performing. It’s been a hard thing to look at and work on. It’s basis is that ugly word … FEAR. I am not going to get what I want, when I want it, and how much I want of it, and the way I want it and on and on.

The big book describes me perfectly over and over: “Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.”

“This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn’t deserve.”

In sobriety I have had many opportunities to face things afraid. I’m grateful for my sponsor and all of you who are here with me as I walk this journey and get better. I want my life to be happy joyous and free. As I face my fears and look at myself, by working the steps, there is freedom and peace from this disease. Thank you for being part of my journey, I am grateful to you all. The meeting is now open on the topic of fear or anything else that you need to talk about to keep you from a drink.

Acceptance At a Slightly New Level

GROW topic: For today’s topic I have chosen acceptance at a slightly new level.

We are all familiar with Dr.: Paul’s rendition in “Steps & Traditions AA p. 139” and acceptance is the answer to my problems…I must accept everything exactly as it is else I wind be at fault with new opinions and to new criticism.

Or with God’s world?

I always keep in mind God’s portion of the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can …
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I recently survived a critical blood disease but was left unable to walk. Staffers at my assisted gave little encouragement so I have, with my son Jeff’s help, been trying to overcome the puzzling details on my own.

I think about COURAGE to CHANGE when I buckle, and the WISDOM TO KNOW the difference when I am about to fall down.

I will not ask what I can accomplish tomorrow nor take it for granted, but it is something I am determined to do with God’s grace and direction.

Also with his help, over and over again I overcame the pain of alcoholism, heavy depression, growing old and being cranky. Dr. Paul is Right and St. Francis of Assisi is also right because they endorse love and service of other along with rappers and clappers and snap-chatters.

But first, we had to embrace it, and Second, accept completely the god of our understanding in editions 3 or 4?

Can we share stores about acceptance, and love? And sharing with love?

How have stories increased or decreased a life of acceptance?

Thank you for honor of sharing this meeting.

The book and the topic are now open for sharing.

Tenth Step Inventory

“As we work the first nine Steps we prepare ourselves for the adventure of a new life. But when we reach Step 10 we commence to put our AA way of living to practical use, day by day, in fair weather or foul. Then comes the acid test; can we stay sober, keep in emotional balance, and live to good purpose under all conditions?”

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 88

Since the day I began the Steps with my GROW sponsor, I have done a 10th Step at night and started my day with prayers. My initial 10th Step practice included two questions that have been critical to my spiritual development and emotional sobriety: Have I demonstrated courage and have I expressed my creativity.

Over time I have added different inventories, including one that my partner and I do together. But the habit of starting and ending my day with a focus on my Program has been the backbone of my sobriety. No matter where I am, I take this practice with me.

There was a time no too long ago when I hit the ground each morning in a state of panic or dread. I think of my 10th Step as the frame for each 24 hour period. Knowing that I will be checking in with myself daily helps keeps me Program focused, “under all conditions.”

I’d love to hear how you practice the 10th Step. How has it helped you maintain emotional balance and live to good purpose under all conditions? As always, please feel free to share whatever else is on your heart this week.

Thank you for allowing me to be of service.

Puting Sobriety First

I was surprised when I heard 90 meetings in 90 days at my first few meetings. It seemed pretty drastic and I was unsure I was willing to do that. But I took it a day at a time and after a couple of weeks, being sober became more and more important. At first putting sobriety first meant getting to several meetings a week, meeting with my sponsor, working steps participating in meetings. As time has gone on I would also include daily prayer, reviewing my day, talking to someone quickly when I get that uneasy feeling that I’ve done something wrong or am fearful and also being willing to sponsor other women.

I was told at one time that if I put sobriety first, I would have more than enough time for everything else and that has proved to be true. It also helped me to remember how much time and effort I put into making sure I had enough alcohol and the hours wasted in solitary drinking.

By being a sober member of AA, I have become more available to people in my life and more aware of how to be a useful human being. Trusting that God is taking care of me and that God will show me where and how to be useful is much more rewarding and productive than when I was running the show with selfish motives, motives I was unaware of until I wrote an inventory.

I continue to put sobriety in AA ahead of anything else and as a result everything else is better.

For a topic, what have been the results when you put sobriety first or maybe when you didn’t?

U-Turns. How To Handle Your Mistakes?

Hi. My name is. Michelle. M a. Grateful. Recovering Alcoholic. For our meeting I have chosen Step. 2. God. Allows. U-TURNS. How do you handle your mistakes?

A quote from the 12&12 pg 63. ” one of A.A.’s greatest friends said any person capable of enough willingness and honesty to try repeatedly to not repeat their mistakes without reservations whatever has indeed come a long way. It took me many years to develop the honesty to forgive myself and others for my negative actions. I came here beaten by alcohol addiction.

My mind was closed against the grace of God. That was a big mistake. But I had a long and honest sponsor who taught me how to stop fighting everyone and everything. God restored my sanity. Through my pain and suffering I was set free from anger, fear, and found peace. My gratitude speaks from my heart. I love giving back what others gave me. Love for my fellows.

Step 2 taught me that doing the same things (blaming others) over and over is a perfect example of how insane thinking pg 33 God allows. U-TURNS.it starts with me and ends with me. The Steps taught me that true humility, an open mind can lead us to forgiving ourselves. for the mistakes we made during our drinking days and in our sobriety. To thine own self be true.

Today I have a faith unshaken by the mistakes I make. And at every meeting of A.A. is the assurance that God will restore anyone of us who is capable of enough honesty not to take that first drink. Progress not perfection. I never intended to become an alcoholic. My God never intended it either. God allowed me a second chance. I use the 10th step to keep myself honest with my sponsor and family members and all of you.

The Steps helped me let go of my past. How my actions hurt the people I loved. I came here feeling I was a mistake. Why was I even born? On October 4th daily thoughts said ” it’s not making a mistake that will kill me. It’s defending it that does the damage.”

My mistakes took my precious daughter Andrea to wake me up. After she walked away from our home. I was left alone. The rest is history. A.A. saved my life. The Steps changed my thinking and gave me a loving God. I made my amends. I corrected my mistakes. I just celebrated my 29th A.A. birthday. I continue to make mistakes. But I know I’m not one today. I thank you beautiful alkies for keeping me right sized and humble.

Congratulations to all our birthdays.

You keep me coming back. Blessings to all of you.

Dealing With Grief in Sobriety

Last week brought a terrible loss to many of us in GROW with the passing of Jean L., nicknamed Afgo. I am only one of several women who lost not only a good friend, but a sponsor as well. I’m sure that each of us feels the loss very personally. Despite many health problems, Jean was always loving and supportive, even while she was telling hard truths.

There have been many losses for me in sobriety, including beloved pets, my best friend, and my parents. Each one has been difficult, but the AA program gives me many tools and approaches that helps me walk through the grief in a way that would have been impossible when I was drinking. Each loss turned out to be Another F*^&ing Growth Experience, an Afgo.

There were other losses for which I had to grieve when I first got sober. Not drinking meant losing a whole way of life, a set of “friends,” and most of all, alcohol itself. At first, the prospect of never drinking again was terrifying. Walking away from people and places left me with a very small social circle. But the biggest loss was the booze itself. It had been the constant in my life for decades, always there to numb my senses and emotions, always there to help me avoid life’s stresses and wounds. How was I going to life without it?

Learning to live one day at a time made it easier but, for me, I had to break single days into hours. I had to learn to crawl before I could walk. I had to grieve the loss of a way of life that had become intolerable. I knew it was killing me, but I still felt the loss deeply. I had to write a Dear John letter to my liquid friend. I had to learn how to do things sober. I had to make new friends who did not drink. I had to learn how to cope with uncomfortable feelings. It was the biggest challenge of my life. Thank God for AA, the 12 Steps, and God. Eventually, the hole that not drinking left in my life was filled with hope, love, and confidence.

Please share with us how you have dealt with loss in sobriety, including the loss of alcohol and that way of life.

Accepting Hardship as a Pathway to Peace

I start many mornings with the long version of the serenity prayer, there is one section I find particularly meaningful: “…Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.”

In the past, I have typically viewed challenges of any size to be my personal burden. I carried the world’s problems on my shoulders and assumed that if my life wasn’t perfect there must be something wrong with me. I beat myself up constantly, all day, every day. This negative circle of thinking lead me to many emotional and physical problems, the least of which was turning outside of myself to soothe (and numb) my aching, bruised up soul.

Since my sobriety began joining AA and GROW almost 2 years ago, I am beginning to look at life and my role in it so differently. When I read the words “accepting hardship as the pathway to peace” in the morning, my entire being lets out a huge sigh of relief! Just like working out to improve my body’s muscles at the gym, each day I am building my emotional and spiritual ‘muscles’ by accepting all of the issues that inevitably crop up as a routine part of life. Regardless of the size or type of challenge (currently my job and a few painful marital issues), I understand I can face them head on, arm in arm with my HP. I start by admitting my part, then plowing forward with the necessary amends and/or action. I also realize now there are many troubles that I can simply just accept as is.

It’s certainly not always an easy path, but I’m becoming stronger and more confident as I soldier through each hill (or mountain!) in front of me. The rewards are magnificently worth it, I find encouragement and comfort knowing the hardship pathway can lead me to peace and serenity.

Please share your thoughts about these words, and if this specific part of the prayer helps you too!

Thank you lovely ladies of GROW, Susan P.

Dry Drunk Syndrome

For this meeting I have chosen the topic: Dry Drunk Syndrome. I didn’t get here a drink short or a day late. My SD is 9/22/87. By God’s grace today is my 29th year sober. Thank you all for sharing in my AA recovery. I chose this topic because I had experience as a dry drunk. Most AA’s don’t like this name, but I feel it is an important one. AA is truly the best thing that ever happened to me. One alcoholic helping another. A safe place for all of us.

Willingness was key for me. At first, I came here to get my daughter Andrea back. For my first two years, I was a dry drunk. I was full of resentments, anger. Instead of finding joy, peace, and spiritual happiness away from alcohol, I felt like AA was a prison sentence. Lonely. I had a very understanding sponsor. She had everything I wanted. Love for God, love for others, and love for herself. And unconditional love for me. At first the meetings were my Higher Power. I had hope. The only thing I did was not take that first drink. After all, I didn’t touch a drop for two years.

Another term we use is “white knuckling” it, holding on until one day we could drink again. If you are an alcoholic like me. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. A pickle will never be turned back into a cucumber. If nothing changes, nothing changes. I was unconscious, I needed a Higher Power. I was not alone anymore. I became open-minded as only the dying could be.

What makes a dry drunk? Here is a list of the Dry drunk syndrome:
(1) impulsive actions. Denial there is a problem
(2) Judgmental, Blaming others, low self-esteem
(3) Complacent, lazy, disinterested in spiritual things, selfish

At two years sober, my life did a 180 turn for the better. Step Two was (page 33, 12&12) the rallying point for me. I was willing to accept a Higher Power. It took work and more work. Getting honest with myself and my sponsor and you. I had humility. God restored my sanity. Thanks for celebrating my birthday with me.

Sobriety is good. By God’s grace, I have no desire to drink again. Only a few times in my sobriety have I wanted to drink – when I lost my mother to cancer, and the second time was a situation with my daughter, Carol. What I learned to do when I felt like drinking was to call my sponsor. Newcomers, it does get better. God has blessed me with wonderful sponsees, a good relationship with Him, friends & family ties improved. Keep coming back. It works if we work it, and it don’t if we don’t.

Please share your experience, strength, and hope with us.

Service

For today’s meeting I have chosen the topic of service.

A cornerstone of our philosophy, reaching out to another alcoholic has saved many an AA old-timer or newcomer from that first drink or drug.

“Practical experience shows nothing will insure immunity from drinking like intensive work with other alcoholic. Carry this message to other alcoholics…it works!” (BB of Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 89)

When I got sober in 1984, I started washing coffee cups and ashtrays at the clubhouse where I attended meetings. They were yellow plastic cups, and I stood at that sink for hours: washing, drying, putting away, laughing, and socializing.

At 9 months I was elected secretary of a large morning meeting. My duties included picking up the doughnuts, bringing in coffee from the kitchen, picking a leader, and cleaning the room when it was all over—every Wednesday.

These jobs showed me how to be more giving and also saved my life.

Now I try to be of service on line by answering all the emails in two women’s groups and chairing meetings as often as I can. You can be of service to anyone, non-alcoholics too.

Think about someone else and your own complaints will shrink or disappear.

This quote from the May 2016 Grapevine says it best: 
“At six months he was still grumbling, so his sponsor volunteered him to be the group/s coffee maker … though incensed and nervous, he got the job done.

Along the way he learned important things like asking for help, connecting with his Higher Power, becoming responsible to the group, feeling gratitude and thinking of others.”

How has service work been important in your sobriety?
What was your first service position in AA?
Did you accept the job willingly?
What have you learned through service?

Do the Next Right Thing

As Bill Sees It, p. 199: “I see “humility for today” as a safe and secure stance midway between violent emotional extremes. It is a quiet place where I can keep enough perspective and enough balance to take my next small step up the clearly marked road that points towards eternal values.” (Grapevine, June 1961).

I have always loved our little book ‘As Bill Sees It’. There is so much wisdom in those pages. The quote above taken from it translates for me into — do the next right thing. I guess if I say I have some humility today that means I’m not humble! So I won’t say that. What I do know is that I am not the same gal I was many years ago when I came into these rooms, ready to surrender it all. I was arrogant, with shockingly low self-esteem. I was an egomaniac with an inferiority complex … as it is said. Life was p-a-i-n-f-u-l to live. Today it is a joy. I experience peace every day, and I laugh a lot. A lot! I love laughing, and can even do it at myself)

The action of the 12 steps in my life has been phenomenal. I no longer crave alcohol or escaping from my hell. I am not responsible for any of this — It was through recognizing my powerlessness that I became whole, little by little. It was and is by surrendering all my ‘wants’ to a Power greater than me that I have more than I could ever have dreamed of in terms of peace, joy, and serenity. Even in the face of painful situations, there is a fundamental peace, especially when I clock in with that God of mine and spend time in conversation. And listening for the still, small voice. And then trusting it when I hear it. Although it’s always good to check in with other alcoholics, sponsor or friend, to make sure I’m still on track! If I am, then this still, small voice becomes stronger, if I nurture it with prayer and meditation and service.

There are no longer violent emotional extremes … wow. I find myself in that ‘quiet place’ most days. I have perspective and balance (who’d have thunk). When I lose perspective, I have tools to get back to it.

When fear comes in, when I have taken on too much or when I am not trusting that all will be fine, if I but trust in the next step in front of me, I know I am safe. That’s all I have to work with — today. And each step I take, one foot in front of the other, cooking something, going to the shops, buying that card, writing that letter, preparing those lessons, showering, weeding, the various projects that give meaning to my life and the tasks associated with them … if I just do a little one of these and then maybe another, well, I am way ahead in the living game!

Do the next right thing is one of my favorite phrases. And I am by nature a control freak, an organizer, a someone who wants to see the whole picture … but it gets easier with time, especially when I experience the great rewards from handing over.

What are your experiences with this? I’m looking forward to reading your ESH but feel free to share on anything you like.

Spiritually Fit vs. Bedevilments

Bedevilment’s are aspects of the alcoholic’s life and personality that are usually in effect before the alcoholic comes into AA and will continue unless the alcoholic actively works the Steps each day.

“We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn’t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn’t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people.” 
Big Book, page 52

The Bedevilment’s are:

1. We were having trouble with personal relationships,
2. we couldn’t control our emotional natures,
3. we were a prey to misery and depression,
4. we couldn’t make a living,
5. we had a feeling of uselessness,
6. we were full of fear,
7. we were unhappy,
8. we couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people

When I am not spiritually fit, I am ALL over page 52, even in sobriety. If I am not spiritually fit, I am on a thinking spree, controlling others from fear, managing their life instead of mine … even when these intentions come from a “good place,” thinking I know what’s best for them. This is playing God, this is manipulation, this is not turning ALL of my life over, and I am having a Step 3 issues. Only when I am fit can I let others be themselves … Only when I am fit can I stay out of this mind that wants me dead but will settle for me drunk. Only when I am fit am I and those who love me happy.

How I start my day … rolling out of bed, onto my knees … complete surrender … God’s/HP will, not mine be done. Not my business how others do life.

Coffee with my journal … Gratitude list, Inventory on my defects, intentions for my day, study Big Book, reach out to sponsees, prayer and meditation … takes about an hour or so. This hour is a small price to pay — actually I enjoy it — to keep me from going on a spree and gives me and my family peace, safety, and happiness. We all deserve this. It’s truly up to me to keep fit … or they suffer. I am tired of making others suffer for my defects. It’s not their cross to bear, and I refuse to drain people anymore.

My question to you wonderful ladies is: “How do you keep spiritually fit?” What is your daily routine? How do you keep from unmanageability and off of page 52?

Attraction Not Promotion

I attend four meetings a week, three face-to-face and one online. Two are literature meetings, and two are topic discussions. I hear approximately 60 people per week sharing their experience, strength, and hope with me. There are some that preach the program, and I find them hard to listen to. It is difficult for me to relate because they aren’t sharing how they personally worked what they are talking about. I start to lose interest and feel bored. It reminds me of why I couldn’t understand algebra in high school. I just couldn’t relate or see how it would work in my life. Give me a share where someone relates an experience, and how they used the steps to grow and live through it, and I dive right in. My attention is captured. I have always heard AA is a program of attraction, and it’s here for those who need it, but only those that want it … get it.

The other aspect of someone sharing, in a general way, of what it was like, what happened, and what it’s like now, is that I get to know them.

In cyberspace, I read shares. I can’t see you, I don’t know what you look like, what physical ailments you may have or not, whether you’re young or old. I only have what you say, and how sane it is sounding to me. I have learned to have a different level of discernment here in cyberspace than I do in a face-to-face where I can see a person and know right away by the disheveled look to take what they say with caution. AA taught me to take what I need and leave the rest. The Traditions also taught me that I am fully self-supporting declining outside contributions. My sponsor taught me to apply that in ALL areas of my life, emotional and intellectual as well as financial.

Let me wrap this up, dear ladies. I am looking forward to reading about the missteps of taking blind faith and placing too much power in one person or how different sharing styles have affected your sobriety. Please share on the idea that inspires you. And if there is something you need to bring to the tables, please feel free to share that, too.

Thank you for this opportunity of service.

Tolerance

As Bill Sees It 203: True Tolerance Gradually we began to accept the other fellow’s sins as well as his virtues. We coined the potent and meaningful expression: “Let us always love the best in others – and never fear their worst.”

Finally, we began to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong. When this happens, we approach true tolerance and we see what real love for our fellows actually means. Grapevine, January 1962; Twelve and Twelve, p.94

Thanks everyone for the opportunity to chair this week’s meeting! Congrats to all others also celebrating anniversaries in August and welcome to new members.

I picked this topic because I once heard someone say she regretted her own attitude of indifference towards people. I didn’t understand it at the time. Now, a day at a time, I see my own coldness and lack of acceptance of others.

I love the phrase in the reading “Let us always love the best in others – and never fear their worst.” I try to say this to myself many times. It is my own mind playing tricks. I seize upon their faults whilst burying my own. Without the steps and faith, I will always be at war – annoyance, irritation, suspicion, jealousy, envy, fear, criticism, anger … it doesn’t take a lot, about the size of a grain of sand, to make my own pearl of resentment.

If I want to be at peace with the world around me – and ultimately myself – I need to pray for tolerance and acceptance of others. No matter how much that hurts my pride.

How do you practice tolerance of others?

Keeping It Simple

Here is how I Keep it Simple:

1. I acknowledge that LIFE just keeps happening – no matter what I do about it! It’s up to me how I respond to it;
2. I accept what is instead of resisting what is placed before me;
3. I trust that WHATEVER is placed before me is what my God wants me to take a look at, go through it, and experience the lesson;
4. I have TOTAL trust in my Higher Power;
5. I look at EVERYTHING as an “opportunity for growth” instead of as a “problem”; and
6. I know today that EVERYTHING passes, and I will never experience this moment again and what it holds for me.

I am keeping my discussion on this topic short and simple and look forward to hearing how you keep your life simple today

Staying in the Solution

When I was newly sober there was lots of talk about relapse, the alcoholic mind, being stuck, and that alcoholism continues to progress even without the drink. I would get scared hearing some of this, and I talked to my sponsor about it.

While she had a healthy respect for the disease, she always focused on the solution and she taught me to do that too. She believed the disease progresses without drinking, but that recovery is also progressive, and that I could become a positive presence with friends, family and at work. I started to concentrate on that, and the fear started to diminish.

At the end of the month, I am going on a 10-day silent retreat. As it gets closer, I find that I am a bit fearful. I’m not sure what the fear is, but I am asking God to remove it and trying to stay in today.

For a topic please share about staying in the solution, living in today, and/or how you deal with fear

Cravings

In the Big Book, the Doctors Opinion states “All these and many others, have one symptom in common: they cannot start drinking without developing the phenomenon of craving. This phenomenon, as we have suggested, may be the manifestation of an allergy which differentiates these people, and sets them apart as a distinct entity. It has never been, by any treatment with which we are familiar, permanently eradicated. The only relief we have to suggest is entire abstinence.”

I have to say that I have read many newcomers and others struggling in this group with cravings, and I am one of them. People, places, things, and stressors that I cannot always avoid seem to be the triggers that get my cravings moving.

How harsh the craving ends up being seems to depend on how quickly I can remember to surrender to my HP and move back to steps 1-3. But I am definitely not perfect, so I can say that’s not always pretty for me.

I’d love to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly on cravings this week. ESH is needed for those of us who have these tough times, particularly the newcomers in early sobriety and would be very much welcome.

So please feel free to share on this topic or any other burning desire.

First Things First

For this week’s topic I have chosen the slogan First Things First.

Of all AA’s saying, quotes and slogans, FTF is most useful for me.

When struck with a great loss: a loved one dies, a sudden financial crisis or critical health issue, I stop my tracks, “pause when agitated” and then go to my Higher Power for guidance.

With His help, I can usually see the solution. Then I think: what do I do first, second, third, and so forth.

What DO I do first? We are running out of money before I get paid again. Do I pay the phone bill or buy my heart medicine? Should the rent check or the car payment be late?

Common values and personal circumstances help me decide, along with prayers for answers from my Higher Power.

“If we always put first things first, we shall have all our actions, thoughts, living, wishes in order and without conflict.” (Central Committee Newsletter for Western New York and Niagara Frontier, March 2008).

“If things are too out of order we get friction, conflict, disorder, unhappiness and frustration.”

When I am puzzled about what is the next right thing and there seem to be 2 or 3, I know I have a choice. Again, I ask HP for direction.

“We receive guidance for our lives just to the extent we stop demands that God give it to us on our order and our terms.” (12 Steps and 12 Traditions, p. 104)

“The moment we catch a glimpse of God’s will, and see truth, justice and love as the real and eternal things in life despite evidence to the contrary in purely human affairs, we know that God lovingly watches over us.” (p. 105).

How have you practiced First Things First in your life? Please share with us how the slogan has made a difference.

Forgiving Ourselves

For myself, this was a difficult journey, especially in the beginning. I had hurt so many people directly or indirectly by either cheating, stealing, lying, physically or emotionally hurting them, and losing my son for almost two years. The pain of all the chaos I had caused was overwhelming.

Only by praying to my Higher Power and working my program was I able to forgive myself a little bit at a time. It has not been an easy journey to do this, but well worth it. With perseverance and rigourous honesty, I have been able to work through all these issues.

Occasionally, a memory will come back to me even today, and I will pray for forgiveness again and, if possible, make amends.

We need to forgive ourselves in order to get better. Without self-forgiveness, we are constantly in a spiral of guilt.

So dear ladies, be kind to yourself and forgive yourself because God has. Please feel free to share how you are doing this and your progress. Let your Higher Power, AA, and your sponsor help you on your journey to wellness.

Halfway Through

I got sober in December 2014 and, right from the beginning, I was comforted by what the Promises offered. I have clung to those and listened to shares about the Promises coming true. Over the past 18 months I’ve seen it, felt it, and experienced it personally.

I was at a meeting recently, and there was a lot of sharing around the 9th Step Promises. As I was listening, I had a bit of an epiphany regarding this line: “we will be amazed before we are half way through.”

I started to question what this meant and why no one has ever explained to me what exactly this means. So I started thinking about this — before we are halfway through … halfway through with what? The Steps, the traditions, the BB, or our amends? Could it be something else, something bigger than that?

I decided it wasn’t really defined because it’s something that’s personal to you. It could be a struggle you’re going through, a personal tragedy, a conversation/argument, an illness … the list of possibilities is endless. I have been in the middle of my day and realized I was halfway through it or frustrated with something going on and relying on the hope that it’s almost complete.

Have you ever thought about this? For this week’s topic, I would love to hear how being “halfway through” relates to you and your sobriety.

Keep it all in Perspective

Two days ago I celebrated 11 years sober. Honestly, it kind of snuck up on me! My daily life is filled with some pretty serious and devastating illnesses. My focus is always on them. That made me feel like I’d screwed up my priorities by pushing sobriety to the back burner. Yet, in truth, the reality is that I have to keep my perspective right, or priorities don’t even come into play. If I don’t keep my health condition in check, I can’t stay sober — crashing health-wise would send me straight to the bottle.

So, is my perspective right? It is now. I was loading up the guilt and laying stuff on me that just isn’t true.

Other things happen in life that can do the same thing, but I just refuse to pick up a drink! No matter what occurs in life, if I keep my perspective, I can make it through it, honestly, steady, committed, and yes, drink-free.

How is your perspective? Let’s hear about it.

The Gift of Sobriety

If I do not pick up a drink in the next four days, I will celebrate 20 years without a drink this coming Thursday. It is amazing to me to reach this milestone, for when I came back to AA in 1996, I didn’t believe I could stop drinking. I took my first drink when I was 17 and my last drink when I was 49. Along the way, drugs were part of my story too.

Because I knew I couldn’t quit, I never tried. In all those 32 years, I think two weeks was the longest I went without getting drunk or high. I never doubted that I was an alcoholic and addict, and I never fought it either. I came to AA the first time in 1987, and until 1990, I went to a meeting every day and drank every day. I’d have downed a 6-pack before the meeting, and usually there was a cooler in my car so that I could start drinking again immediately after the meeting. The people at the meeting never judged me. They just told me to keep coming back.

I managed to finally go to treatment and then go 15 months before a 5-year relapse when I swore I would never go back to AA. In those early days, I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t willing to do what people suggested. I just wanted my husband off my back. In my heart, I knew I was a hopeless drunk. I didn’t fight it. But after five years and a painful bottom, that moment finally came when I just couldn’t do it anymore. In the middle of a rage, my HP showed me what I had become – an angry, foul-mouthed, drunk woman. That was my moment of clarity. I sat on the edge of my bed and said out loud, “It’s time to go back.”

This time, I didn’t have to go through the meetings-drinking merry-go-round. This time, when I walked out of that first meeting, I had a choice. I could say no to that beer. The compulsion to drink was gone. The obsession lingered for a few months, but I finally had a choice, and I had the strength to make the right choice.

I did not earn my seat in AA, nor did I deserve it. It was a gift of grace from a God I still do not understand. For me, AA has been God’s handmaiden. God gave me the ability not to drink, and AA has given me the ability to live life on life’s terms. Doing the 12 Steps made it possible to put the past behind me, to live one day at a time without mind-altering substances, and to be reasonably happy.

For me, AA is the solution to my life-long pursuit of oblivion and emotional numbness. Without it, I would have drunk or used myself to death. There is no doubt about that in my mind. God gave me the willingness to follow directions. Alcohol gave me the fear of who I become when I drink. It is not easy, but it is simple. All I have to do is follow “a few simple rules,” and life gets better.

For those who are struggling, if sobriety can happen for me, it can happen for anyone. I was a hopeless case. I went to AA and still drank regularly. I left AA and swore I would never go back. I drank and drugged for more than 30 years with no thought of ever stopping. Yet, God still found me worthy of the gift of sobriety. AA gave me the gift of living normal, sober life. I do not know whether I will ever drink again, but I know I will not drink today. That’s all that matters. Just for today, I can get through anything because there is a solution available to me as long as I stay willing to do the footwork.

This week, I’d like to hear what “the Gift of Sobriety” means to you. Of course, please share on anything that you need to.

Emotional Hangovers

Thank you for the opportunity to chair this meeting following my recent celebration of 27 years of continuous sobriety on June 17th. I am happy to still be a sober member who is working and living the AA program to the best of my ability. I am so grateful that I was given the chance at a better life. All I had to do was to ask my God for help, take advantage of the help that was so freely given by people like you, follow the principles and work the program, and trust that God would do for me what I couldn’t do for myself.

Today, I would like to talk about feelings/emotions we all have from time to time even when we are not drinking and what we can do about them by working the Steps. I will also tie in with the topic from last week on getting rid of resentments.

I know that I’ve had many, many hangovers from drinking in the past where I was sick, sorry, disgusted, fed up, anxious and full of worry from my behaviour the night before. Sometimes I get those feelings in sobriety so today I’d like to touch on the emotional hangover. What is it anyway? Please keep an open mind.

Pages 88-89 of the Twelve and Twelve tell us: “But there is another kind of hangover which we all experience whether drinking or not. That is the emotional hangover, the direct result of yesterday’s and sometimes today’s excesses of negative emotion – anger, fear, jealousy, and the like. If we would live serenely today and tomorrow, we certainly need to eliminate these hangovers. This doesn’t mean we need to wander morbidly around in the past. It requires an admission and correction of errors now … “

Yes, I have had emotional hangovers in sobriety, and they usually end up with me thinking that I’m a terrible person and saying, ‘when will I ever learn.’ I used to get them when I lost my temper and got into arguments. These days, I ‘intuitively know’ when I have said or done something that not only has hurt another person but has destroyed my sense of well-being. I get a feeling of a hole in the pit of my stomach, and my head begins to review what happened and what I can do about it. My sponsor is a great listener and provides me with meaningful suggestions that have worked for her over the years.

Through working the Steps, I have gained insight into the cause and consequences of my actions and have lost most of my passion for arguments and temper tantrums. Steps 1 through 9 teach me how to deal with my feelings towards people, places, and things so that I avoid a resentment, and Steps 10 to 12 show me how to do it to maintain my serenity. Specifically, Step 10 tells me how to deal with a budding resentment and that is to deal with it immediately before it becomes full-blown and to make the appropriate amends.

If I find myself hanging on to a resentment, I ‘intuitively’ go to my favourite story in the Big Book: Freedom from Bondage – Page 552 – and pray for the person I’m resenting until I can see him/her as just another person who can make mistakes just as I do. What I’ve found out over time, is that the very thing that I can’t overlook in others is the very thing of which I am guilty. Over time, the resentment is gradually relieved, and my sense of personal well-being and peace returns. What a program we have through the Big Book which I’ve always referred to as my “Guide to Life”!

Do you have moments/times of “Emotional Hangovers”? How do you deal with them? Please feel free to share on this topic or on anything else that’s going on with you that you’d like to get off your chest. Thanks for giving me this opportunity and for trudging along with me on the ‘Road of Happy Destiny’.

Letting Go of Resentments

Been thinking about the sunshine the last few days. I need it, the grey /dark/rainy days get to me. This past week, I was sitting on the porch and had to keep moving to a different chair as the light moved and was in my eyes. The thought struck me about what the BB says about being in the sunlight of the spirit. I feel so much better when I am in the sunlight both figuratively and physically. I looked up the passage in the BB about the sunlight, here it is:

“It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die. If we were to live, we had to be free of anger.”

I can really see when I hold on to the angry, resentful feelings, I move into a very dark place — one that pushes me toward thinking of a drink. It struck me that I can choose that dark place or I can choose to be in the sunlight place. I struggle with anger and anxiety, but why? My sponsor often asks me what am I getting out of it. I don’t like that question but it’s a valid one. Especially when I can choose to let things go (stop harboring resentments) and be in the “sunlight.” It’s a much better place to be.

Please feel free to share your ESH on letting go of resentments.

Expect Miracles Big and Small

Excerpts from the Big Book:

“In working the steps, my life changed. I think differently today; I feel different today. I am new. We have a sign at the A.A. meetings I go to that says ‘Expect A Miracle.’ My sobriety is full of miracles.”

“Today my life is filled with miracles big and small, not one of which would ever have come to pass had I not found the door of Alcoholics Anonymous.”

I wanted to share a recent experience as to how my life has changed since I stopped drinking and began participating in AA 16 months ago.

My story took place at Disneyland during my 60th birthday celebration a couple of months ago. My husband and I were there for four days with my daughter and two grandkids. It was the night before my actual birthday. I was really looking forward to turning 60 at a park where I “grew up,” and it was such a blessing to celebrate with my loved ones. As we were having dinner on my birthday-eve, my husband got a call from work and found out that he needed to address a critical issue immediately. (I had hoped he wasn’t even going to bring his work laptop on the trip in the first place, but he insisted he had to, ‘just in case’.) So when he got the call, my heart sank as I realized this could ruin the celebrating planned for the next day. The subsequent emotions that follow when circumstances don’t go my way immediately set in, including anger and self-pity. (How could his work possibly be more important than my milestone birthday?!)

As I started to react the same way that I always have in the past, somehow I managed to put the brakes on. I looked at my husband’s face after the work call came in and noticed how upset and stressed he was. In the past, I used to think he wanted work to interrupt our leisure time because he likes to be plugged into a computer. But I could clearly see (since my mind was “all there”) that wasn’t the case. Instead of giving him my usual rant and rave routine, I gave him a great big kiss and told him I loved him. He reacted like a prince (we were after all at Disneyland!). He stayed at the park with us as long as he could until 9pm, carried his sleeping grandson back to our hotel, then logged onto work for 3 hours so he could finish in time to celebrate my birthday. This was small miracle #1. The next morning (my birthday), he actually left his cell phone locked in our hotel room so that work could not reach him. Leaving his phone behind? This is unheard of, large miracle #2.

Had I been drinking through this trip, the call from his work would have triggered a huge fight. I’m quite sure the change in my reaction was because I was 100% sober, not to mention a few new “tools” in the box. Because I reacted unselfishly (for a change), it worked out so much better for everyone. I owe that to my sobriety (i.e., GROW, A.A. and God).

There is plenty more work ahead for me, but I do see a pattern of miracles big and small in many areas of my life since I became sober. When I’m socializing with family or friends, I listen to what they are saying and ‘connect’ with them because I’m not worried that my wine glass is getting empty and how quickly I can fill it. My daughter sent me flowers on Mother’s Day and thanked me for being there for her. My brain is clear which makes me a more productive employee. I am generally a better wife, mother, and grandmother. I apologize more often and promptly which means I sleep better at night. And the list goes on … I’m so grateful to be sober!

I would be honored to hear about any miracles big and small that are part of your life today.

Work With Other Alcoholics

From page 89 of The Big Book (4th edition):

“PRACTICAL EXPERIENCE shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when others fail. Remember they are very ill.”

This reading reminds me how the program works. Service was something I could do from the beginning. Before I worked all the steps. By sharing my story and listening to others. I’m reminded of what it was like, what happened and what it’s like now.

I’ve been able to adjust my perspective in life. Today I do not regret the past as it brought me here. I’m here not to wallow in self-pity, but to share my ESH and carry the message.

Life was unmanageable. Today it’s not. I go to meetings, work the steps with my sponsor, and try my best to practice these principles in all my affairs.

When I hear you share, it strengthens my sobriety. When I share with you, it strengthens my sobriety.

I’ll keep coming back. 🙂

Please feel free to share on this topic or anything that may be on your mind.

Fun in Sobriety

I decided to suggest a concept I often struggle with: fun in sobriety.

Although I am very grateful for my new life, I don’t always know how to enjoy it.

When I look around, I see a lot that needs fixing. I still boss my boyfriend around, I have trouble taking direction, I tend to isolate. There is plenty of room for improvement. In fact, I could exhaust myself worrying about my character “defaults.” And that is one of my character defaults: I tend to be hard on myself.

So I’m trying to lighten up. There is a time to work on character defects, and there is a time to have fun. Because the old “fun” was killing me, my first job was finding new things to do.

I didn’t know what I liked, so I started trying stuff out. I’ve taken adult tap and meditation classes. I’ve discovered I love birds and hanging out with my cat. Last month, I attended an interpretative dance class. And danced! And I wasn’t wasted!

Sometimes when I’m spacing out with my cat, I think: “You really need to be taking care of business, Kirsten.” Then I remember that I am.

Taking time to learn what I like is helping me figure out who I am. So far I’ve learned that I have more energy and more courage than I knew. Sometimes I can give myself a break. I’m sure that’s what my HP wants for me.

How have you learned to have fun in sobriety? What have you discovered about your sober self that was a surprise?

Please feel free to share on this topic or whatever is on your heart this week.

The day I stopped drinking

t’s very special for me to chair the meeting today as it’s the anniversary of the day I took my last drink. My first memories of that day (I would have been drinking from the moment I woke) are putting the lead on the dog and looking at the clock, it was 10am exactly.

I walked down to the phone box (I remember that walk) and looked up AA’s number in the phone book. I had no idea what AA was, but I thought tramps who slept on park benches went there. I didn’t care, I was at my rock bottom and didn’t know where to turn. I had been drinking too much, too often for too long, and I didn’t know how to stop. Eventually when I managed to dial correctly, a nun from the local convent answered the phone and gave me the number of an AA member.

I have no idea what I said to him but by the time I’d walked home, two twelfth steppers were at my door. They talked to me about my drinking and about AA. I had that amazing feeling that I was not alone. The lady, her name was Brilda, took me to her home for the day, then took me back to my house so that I could change for the meeting that night. I was lucky. It was a Thursday, a day when one of the three meetings in my city was held.

I can’t really describe what I felt as I walked into the room with about fifteen ‘normal’ looking people standing around drinking coffee and smoking. I didn’t understand but as the meeting started and people shared their stories, that night I knew I had found a home, a place of safety where I could be myself for the first time in many years.

That happened thirty-six years ago today.

I was going to introduce a different topic for this week, but as I wrote this introduction, I had that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach, memories of that day are intense. I found myself reaffirming the fact that I NEVER want to go through anything like that again.

I wondered if it would be useful for all of us, whether one day or fifty years sober, to share about the day we stopped drinking. I know I would love to hear your stories. Of course, please share about anything that’s concerning you.

A word of comfort before we revisit those days comes from ‘The Keys of the Kingdom’ (page 312 in my Big Book):

“There is no more ‘aloneness’ with that awful ache, so deep in the heart of every alcoholic that nothing before could ever reach it. That ache is gone and need never return again. Now there is a sense of belonging, of being wanted and needed and loved.”

Acceptance and How It Works in Your Life

The program offers us another way to approach life without a drink. We can learn to accept the things we cannot change and change the things we can.

The answers to our questions are all found in the Big Book and in the Step Book, the Twelve & Twelve helps us change the things we can, with practice. We can learn to trust, once again, when we apply the Steps of this program to our daily lives. I didn’t get here a drink short, or a day late. (SD 9/22/87)

When I got to A.A. I felt hopeless. If you are new here, I understand how you are feeling. Difficulties, opposition, criticism are meant to be overcome. When I admitted I was powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanageable by me, acceptance followed and my daily recovery began. I started by working Step One. My sponsor and I shared our stories. For the first time in years, I didn’t feel alone. I spent my first year as a shut-in. My detox was hard and painful. The only thing I knew was if I drank again, I would die!

Having a sponsor assures us we’re never alone. Trust is not a given. Trust is earned. As times went by, I began to trust. I got a sense of security which accompanies my belief that the miracle of recovery is one alcoholic helping another. That is my experience. It flows between us. When I became willing to get honest, I opened my heart. The key I found is being there for another person and accepting them just the way they are with no judgment of any kind. They accept my help.

The solution to all my problems are found in the Steps. No human power can relieve my alcoholism. For me, it was to change my stinking thinking. To find a Higher Power. Acceptance of this fact had many drawbacks. I didn’t believe. Acceptance of a Higher Power was a terribly hard risk to take. As I stayed sober, I let down my defenses.

At two years sober, I went to my first f2f (face-to-face) women’s meeting. There the miracle happened. There I heard their stories. That day, I became willing to work Step Two. This Step taught me that we all get to choose a Higher Power of our own understanding. “Step Two (page 25 in the Twelve & Twelve): “CAME TO BELIEVE that a POWER greater than OURSELVES could restore us to sanity.” For our newcomers, all of the Steps are but suggestions. But when I got honest with my sponsor, things began to get better. Life took on new meaning. (Page 31, 12&12): Whatever price in humility we must pay, we would pay.” It gets better. God restored my sanity. Today, when I accept and practice humility and responsibility, I grow. I take care not to hurt myself or others. Words have the power to hurt. The Steps and many inventories have taught me that to love others here is to give our es&h (experience, strength and hope). Thank you for giving me yours. No drink on earth could ever compare to the unconditional love and acceptance you give me everyday. Accepting God was the best decision I’ve made.

I accepted a God of my own understanding. God was restoring the sanity I lost in my disease. The best acceptance was eventually of myself and all my defects and accepting others of theirs.

My recovery has been a whole series of storms, storms that helped me garner a closer relationship with God, my sponsor, and all of you dear alkies that help sprout new growth. Acceptance is a process. Today, I focus not on the problems I face; I focus on the solution. Accepting we are not perfect. We are human beings who help each other stay sober.

Acceptance to me truly means letting others see who I really am. It has alleviated my suffering. It took a lot of courage to allow myself to risk being vulnerable. God makes all things possible.

There is only one way acceptance has worked in my life. It is only one appropriate choice to every hardship, storm, or angry feeling. It is the one that is honest and wholly reflective of who I am at this moment. After 28+ years sober, acceptance is still a process. My solution is still working the Steps and helping others stay sober ODAAT (one day at a time).

I don’t always understand the way my God works. But I believe He works through people. Today, I accept with faith that each day is a new beginning for all of us. The Steps have given me the peace that I use to seek in a bottle. We can’t talk to a bottle. Each day of abstinence offers us the chance to look ahead with hope. Helping others is the bright spot of my days.

Thanks for letting me lead our meeting.

Good Advice

A quote from an AA member, who was asked to share some good advice with those who are trying to get and stay sober.

“It is crucial to surround yourself with people that are up to what you are up to in your new way of living. There is joy in sobriety; you can bring that out in each other as you spend time with friends in recovery. Stay engaged, stay outside of your head, and appreciate the new things you can learn from new friends.”

For me, the primary person who is “up to what I’m up to” is my sponsor. She actually teaches me a lot during our calls and emails.

When I am depressed and following one-track thinking, she may hop from subject to subject, sometimes absolutely dragging me where I don’t want to follow. I didn’t see this as deliberate. I just thought she was easily distracted! Now I know better.

Or, I would reach out to her to check in, and she would tell me about some really funny event. I would laugh, of course; but I’d also wonder, “What is WITH her? She is not as AA “tuned in” or spiritually “deep” as I am!” Now I recognize her laughter as the other part of recovery, the part I could have missed!

We always engage in some “small talk” — just a few minutes of news headlines, anything that might remind me there IS a world outside and I MAY want to be able to talk about it in a caring, interesting manner. She knows that my mind tends toward depression and self, and she reminds me I am part of a caring community.

When an Inventory or a Step is getting the best of me, my sponsor shines. I may be trying to figure out how I can find out the full name of a person I hardly remember so that I can apologize deeply and sincerely. I’m practically ready to hire a detective to show my sincerity, and my Sponsor says something quietly about “daily amends” or “everyday amends”… I turn my attention back to her. What? Learn the lesson and apply it daily, as if that person were here? Oh! Ok. Amends. I can live that. My Sponsor is so familiar with these AA things that are new to me, she helps me to get to what matters, and skip the drama. We pray together, learn together, share sobriety together.

I’m grateful to be “surrounded by” my sponsor, grateful that she cares enough to share her recovery road with me. I’m learning so much more than I ever expected.

Would you like to share what the opening quote means to you, OR share your greatest bit of advice with us?

Acceptance

“Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation, some fact of my life unacceptable to ME, I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake!” 
Alcoholics Anonymous, page 449 or 417

Wow, some powerful yet simple words of wisdom. I am learning how to let go of things and allow them to fall as they may. I have always been a control freak but when I accept the things I cannot change, when I do God’s will instead of mine, my life is serene. Whenever I am disturbed, my sponsor directs me to Page 417 of the Big Book. It never fails to bring me back to reality and reminds me I’m not the Director!! LOL

Please feel free to share on acceptance or anything that is on your mind. Remember, we’re in this together!

A Tool in Your Recovery Toolbox

April 17 : A tool in your Recovery Toolbox

For our topic this week, I am suggesting, what tool in your recovery toolbox stands out for today as one that you find particularly helpful or inspiring in your recovery.

The one that I am selecting is the nightly review that is shared on page 86 … the first full paragraph in Step 11. It contains a series of questions about my day. I find this review helps me to be honest with myself about my day – particularly when I share it with another. It causes me to take pause and truly review the day for any character defects that may have come up – and I particularly like the part that asks if I thought of myself primarily or others. And then it directs me to pray for correction where needed … and I can go to sleep with a clear conscience. Whether I have lived a healthy sober day or not, I have a least prayed for direction about how to correct it if I have not. It is up to me to follow through with that guided direction from the God of my understanding.

So, ladies, the meeting is yours. I have shared my tool that I am finding to be particularly inspiring and growth–producing in my recovery for today, and I open it to each and all to share the tool that they find the same thing with.

A Vision For You

Taking from page 152 of the BB,

“… Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping – off place. He will wish for an end … Yes, there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that. It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous. There you will find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. Thus we find the fellowship, and so will you.”

Wow! To me, the above just described the last 74 months of my life!!! 😉 I celebrated my 6th anniversary, this past March. It is a time of great reflection, remembrance and joy for me. March 13th is my anniversary, a week later is my belly button birthday, and March 27th would be my Mother’s birthday. Six years and 11 months ago, my Mother was at that jumping off point, and very sadly she succumbed to this disease. Fast forward 10 months later, and that is exactly where I was. I wished for that end. I had created so much chaos, destruction and misery in my life that I thought there was absolutely no way I could crawl out of the hole that I have dug. I had picked up many white chips, in the process.

Until, I FINALLY surrendered completely and started doing what you guys told me to do. My life is a far cry from what it was in March 2010. I have purpose, life, freedom and happiness. My life is far from boredom, as it states in another paragraph of this page. I have these tools to live life and this program and fellowship that I am so grateful for. Without them, I would not be the person, wife, mother … friend that I am now. Believe me, it seems like it is a tug of war, sometimes 😉 But these day if I fall, I always get right back up!

Thank you so very much, in allowing my to chair this meeting. Please, share on where you were and where you are now (if you like). Or, share on anything that is on your mind.

The Family Afterward

As I approach the occasion of my 32nd AA birthday, I have chosen relationships with the family as the topic of this week’s meeting. A lot has changed for me since May 1984, when I left a drug and alcohol rehab shaky and scared, still experiencing withdrawals, but incredibly hopeful about starting a new life.

Because of my disease, I had lost custody of all 4 of my children; my 3 boys all went to be with their father one by one; and I was forced to choose adoption for my daughter.

Without drugs to numb the pain, I felt the debilitating losses for the first time, but I was reeling from detox and unable to face these tough issues for some time.

During my drinking/using years, I had traveled 50 miles to Simi Valley to visit the boys where they lived in that community with their Dad. I would take them, and we would stay at the Motel 6 overnight; they all were polite but did not enjoy that much. I was heartbroken I had given birth to them, yet we were many miles apart.

My new sobriety hardly affected them. They were all in college by that time: two of them far away and one was fairly close at Cal State Northridge. Eventually he started visiting me, and we built a relationship which we still have. After 32 years and life changes for me, we are loving, kind, and tolerant toward each other.

Another son started a relationship with me, but it ended due to other circumstances, and I haven’t seen him for eight years. A third son has two boys. I DO have a long-distance relationship with his teenage son, who is unaware of my alcohol and drug abuse. It is with great joy that I anticipate a visit from son and grandson in early 2017.

The BB of Alcoholics Anonymous in Chapter 9 (p. 122-135 4th ed.) reminds us: “living with an alcoholic would make anyone neurotic. The entire family is to some extent ill.” I must keep this in mind if I balk at the way family members behave, both early in my sobriety right up to the present.

Like the alcoholic, family members can, if they desire, remember the bad times and use them as lessons to change their own behavior or help other people.

The BB quoted Henry Ford, who once said experience is the thing of supreme value in life, explaining that is true only if one is willing to turn the past to good account.

“We grow by our willingness to face and rectify errors and convert them into assets.” This has been true, not just for me, but for all of my family.

The chapter tells us, “We are not a glum lot; we absolutely insist on having fun,” and we are sure that God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. For me and my adult children, we all make our own misery and a background in AA helps us to avoid such pitfalls but to use spiritual principles to restore peace of mind.

With a birthday in sight and a useful life with opportunities for me to help others in AA, a relationship with my dear brother, and a step-son as well, with a natal birthday in June when I will be 77, I AM GOOD.

Please share with us your experiences with family before and after sobriety and where you are today.

Keeping Sobriety as My Number 1 Priority and Not Taking it for Granted

I chose this topic because I have a sober anniversary coming up in a few days. I have been in AA since 2008, but I had not maintained continuous sobriety as many of you know. I will have three years, God willing, on April 5th. I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would stay sober for that long. As Susanne L says, “It works if we work it.” It really is a “daily reprieve,” and I continue to take it one day at a time.

There have been plenty of times when I didn’t keep my sobriety as my number one priority and when I have taken it for granted. My disease would tell me that I don’t have a disease. I would put other things ahead of it such as jobs, an affair, exercising, changing careers, Facebook, etc. There were times when I didn’t have a sponsor – did not want a sponsor (in other words – did not want to be accountable to anybody), thought that I didn’t have that “low” of a bottom, and thought that I didn’t need to go to as many meetings. Honestly, every time I got into that situation, I ended up relapsing.

In the past two months or even a little less, there have been two women that I once knew who died from this disease. Both of them left behind young children. It makes me so sad and really shakes me up, especially when it hits so close to home. On the other hand, it makes me so much more grateful for my sobriety and makes me realize that I can never take it for granted. Sobriety is truly a gift, and we are truly the lucky ones!

I just want to share how just recently I had to make a difficult decision. If I hadn’t taken this course of action, there is no telling what it may have done to my sobriety. Although it was a positive thing that I was doing, it was taking up a lot of my time and causing me stress – causing me to feel like my life was becoming unmanageable. To me, that is progress and shows me that I am growing in this program. In the past, I would have fought it and insisted on having everything my way. Amazing – I feel like I’m actually starting to “grow up” but still have a ways to go. Progress not perfection, right?!

I also have a new sponsor who I absolutely love! We go to a lot of the same meetings at the AA club in my home town. I am so grateful to have her in my life! I also have a new sponsee who I’ve known for about 6 years. She had moved away and recently moved back after a relapse. I am very grateful to help other women in the program.

Lastly, I would like to end with part of a reading from Daily Reflections: COMMITMENT p.55 (February 16)

“… I could no longer hide behind self-rationalization, nor behind the insanity of my disease. The only course open to me, if I was to attain a joyous life for myself (and subsequently for those I love), was one in which I imposed on myself an effort of commitment, discipline, and responsibility.”

I need to keep doing the foot work – stay committed to my AA program, remain accountable and responsible, do the next right thing, and help other alcoholics. I also wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for my Higher Power, who I call God.

Grateful for all of you and for being on this journey with you! I look forward to reading your shares. Thank you for allowing me to be of service!

Rebirth, New Beginning

This is my first time chairing a meeting, either online or in person, so it’s an exciting opportunity, but I also worried about what topic I’d share. I do have a lot of questions and ideas would pop into my head, but I kept telling myself that when it was time, my HP would guide me. I originally chose this date, March 27, 2016, because it was the closest to my 9-month sobriety date, not even realizing at the time that I was choosing Easter Sunday. So, it seems most meaningful to me to discuss what Easter symbolizes, rebirth and new beginning, as it relates to being an alcoholic.

I remember sitting in my first meeting on Day 1 and reading the steps before the meeting began. I naively thought something to the effect of: “Yes, I can agree to these. I’ll speed through these steps in record pace.” I had no idea at the time that not drinking alcohol has more to it than just not drinking alcohol or how hard it would be. But that was where I was beginning, and showing up at that first meeting was an amazing beginning for me.

I will admit that it has become more of a habit to not drink alcohol and, therefore, easier in some ways. But I also know that I cannot become cocky and think I’ve solved my alcoholism and can now drink moderately. I still get cravings sometimes, especially if I’m extremely stressed or if I smell it or if there’s an event that I’d normally associate with drinking: weddings, Happy Hour, or weekend dinners for example. I have thought about drinking alcohol a lot over the past nine months, and I don’t know if that will change with time. I still feel jealous when I see pictures of people with a drink in their hand and still sometimes feel uncomfortable walking through the alcohol section of the market (kind of like I think that I need to keep my defenses up). I can say that it has only been until recently that I’ve realized that my hard work is paying off.

The biggest realization has been from going from a mindset of “I’m just not going to drink alcohol, and this sucks that other people get to drink and I can’t” to “Hey, there are some benefits to not drinking alcohol and admitting I’m an alcoholic and doing the work (steps and counseling to work on cognitive behavior therapy for depression and anxiety) is showing some positive evidence in my life.” I still have to ‘play the tape’ to talk myself out of the first drink (i.e. what would happen after that first drink), and I can never think that I’ve cured my disease and can become a moderate drinker. I know alcoholism is a tricky disease that will try to convince me I’m cured and can drink again.

I’m seeing some positive evidence and happiness, despite all kinds of stress in my life:

• I’m growing a relationship with my HP that wasn’t there nine months ago, and it is a spiritual awakening.
• I’ve handled nine months of sobriety despite all that has gone on around me.
• I’ve noticed I’m reacting to situations differently: more confidence, less worrying about what other people think, way less taking on of other people’s problems, more awareness of my previous patterns and habits that were unhealthy or unbalanced, slowing down before reacting, feeling less overwhelmed.
• I’m spending money that I used to spend on alcohol in much more productive ways.
• I’m spending time that I used spend on alcohol in better ways: more meaningful conversations with people I love, more reading, more creative pursuits.
• I have more energy and no hangovers, which just makes life better.
• I have no more regrets about not remembering or remembering and feeling shameful about what I said or did.
• I’m aware that there is more work to be done and always will need to be done in my journey since beginning with AA. I’m also aware of how much more I need to do with step work.
• I’m aware that none of these positive changes would have happened without beginning a life without alcohol.

So, my questions for you are: What has been your rebirth or new beginning since your first day of sobriety? How have your ideas, thoughts or actions changed since your Day 1? Or what else would you like to share?

Service

My AA birthday is always a time for reflection for me. Each year, I am amazed that so much time has passed. And each year, I am so grateful that through the Grace of my Higher Power whom I choose to call God I have been blessed with so many 24 hours without needing to pick up that first drink. Each day is a pearl to me, a gem as it were. And I string them together one by one, day by day, and the light of my Higher Power becomes reflective through me, as I adorn myself with His gifts One Day At A Time. I ask myself, how exactly did I do it?

AA, my sponsor, and a willingness to take suggestions and/or direction. I tried to do this AA thing all on my own when I first came through the doors. (I was fiercely independent, and I did not need your help.) Never mind that my life was a mess and I was a mess, I was convinced that I was not as bad (that’s some twisted thinking!) as you, and I could control and manage my drinking. I did what was suggested: I went back out and “controlled and managed” my alcohol consumption until I was down on my knees some years later asking God for help. I was lost when I got back to AA, and I needed a guide.

When I walked back through the doors of AA, I made a pact with myself to do this differently. I agreed to follow direction this time. That meant that I needed to attend regular meetings and to find a Home Group and a Sponsor. My “Home Group” was the local AA Fellowship that I made a commitment to. My commitment was to attend the same meetings each week. (I was able to attend twice a week where I lived in La Paz, Mexico.) It was suggested that I get a Service commitment in my Home Group. That could be making coffee, leading a meetings, unlocking the door each week, or simply greeting people at the door.

I picked a Sponsor in my Home Group that I could relate to. (There were only two sober women in my tiny English Speaking Fellowship, so I picked the one that did not remind me of my mother.) Well, as God would have it, the one I picked ended up moving, and so I was left with the only other woman in the group, Sylvia. She “plugged me in” at times, as she was so much like my Mom in my eyes. But in the end, Sylvia became my sponsor, and I love her so much today. (My God apparently wanted me to work through my “mother stuff,” and He picked Sylvia for me is how I choose to see it!) She did not have any strict protocol for me to follow, but she was a gentle guide for me – not at all what I expected.

I have heard it said that for the newcomer, the soul searching that we are asked to do, is a bit like going 10-42 on a jungle safari. A safari can be a dangerous place, and it is best to go with a knowledgeable guide. So, that is what Sylvia was for me. She had traveled the dangerous and tricky waters and dry deserts of the mind and was able to guide me as I ventured in between my own two ears. (I have heard it said that if my mind did not need me for transportation, I would probably be dead by now.) So, you see my mind is out to get me. It will tell me that this time is different, one drink won’t hurt, etc. etc. My sponsor became my sounding board. She did not tell me what to do. She would offer up suggestions now and again and support me in finding my own truths. She was careful not to bombard me with her ideas but let me find my own way. In all honesty, she loved me until I could love myself.

Through my relationship with my sponsor, I learned to be of Service to others. At first that began with some sort of service commitment in my Home group. I learned to participate in business meetings, be part of a group conscience, take a position such as secretary or coffee maker, etc. I learned to be accountable by committing to a service position at the group level. By learning to do for others in AA by participation, I learned that I could also be of service to others outside of AA. It has made all of the difference in the world. I have learned over the years to think of myself less and others more. Baby steps. It began by sharing my story at an AA meeting, and it has grown from there. It was suggested that if I was asked to be of Service in AA, that I should never turn that opportunity down. I have carried that into my personal life outside of AA, and sometimes I get creative with it. I got to know one of my neighbors years ago, and I would take her meals on occasion. She lived alone and never cooked for herself. It was “the next indicated thing” to me. We are very close today, though we live a world apart.

I had two small children when I first came back to AA so many years ago, and while it would have been easy to use them as an excuse to not attend, it was imperative that I figure out how to get my butt into the rooms of AA. I think if this online venue had been available to me at the time, I might still be drinking, as to me this would have been a place that I could have hidden and not given 100% of myself. My life was all about what was convenient for Alison, and I had to do the opposite of that in order to stay sober, heal, and get well. AA has given me my life back and so very much more. I like to think I am the happiest woman in the world today. Thank you, ladies. I could not have done it without you and your service and commitment to the program we like to call Alcoholics Anonymous.

What benefits have you found from being of service in AA, and how has that extended into your daily life?

Honesty

The topic of Honesty has been rolling around in my thoughts all week. When I came into the rooms, I was anything but honest, with myself and with others. The web of lies and deception was thick. Through working the steps with my sponsor and allowing that onion of an inventory to peel back the layers, I have been able to face truths and begin to live an honest life. Each day I have opportunities to practice honesty … but telling the truth is just the beginning.

Yesterday, I had the experience of hearing someone become brutally honest with those they had hurt. With this honesty comes the very real possibility of life in prison. This person was willing to do what was right, no matter what the personal consequences might be. What struck me the most was that, by being honest, the chains that imprisoned this person in the darkness of guilt and shame were broken. Honesty does that for me, too.

My questions for you to ponder this week is: How does honesty play out in your own sobriety? What has been your experience with being honest with yourselves and others? How has your approach to this topic changed as you have grown in your sobriety?

Personal Power/Powerlessness

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines POWER as “the ability to act or produce an effect.” Real power is basically the ability to change something if you want to change it. It’s the ability to make change happen. Real power is unlimited — we don’t need to fight over it because there is plenty to go around. And the great thing about real power is our ability to create it. Real power doesn’t force us to take it away from others — it is something we CREATE and BUILD WITH OTHERS — (Understanding Shame, I thought it was just me, but it isn’t written by Brene’ Brown.)

I read those words and thought about a time in my life where the only changes I could make were which liquor I would buy — Change was something I was held captive by. But then I arrived into the rooms of AA and started living a new way of life. By working the steps with a sponsor (many times), I have been given the ability to make choices and to produce effect/s. I have power.

The Steps enable me to see things in a different perspective and give me the ability to change something if I want to change it. This definition of power struck me as an asset and something I want. I had the idea that in order to admit powerlessness I had to give up my personal power. I also had the idea that having personal power was at odds with humility. In order to have humility, I couldn’t have power. However, if I understand the definition in this light I can have both. I can admit defeat. I can admit I am powerless, but by the above definition that is the first step towards effecting change and to gaining personal power.

The topic I am suggesting is Power/powerlessness. (The great thing about real power is our ability to create it.)

Promise #2

“We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.” Recently, I’ve read several statements on social media sites like: ‘Don’t judge me by my past behaviour; I don’t live there anymore.’

Another one is: ‘Even though there are days I wish I could change some things that happened in the past, there’s a reason why the rear-view mirror is so small and the windshield is so big – where I’m headed is much more important than what I’ve left behind.’

I’ve been sober for awhile now and, thanks to our program, I have dealt with things that I did when I was drinking through forgiveness, making amends, and changing my ways. I know today that I had to go through those things in order to get to where I am today.

I don’t regret my past, for it is one of my greatest assets. All I have to do is remember what it used to be like, and I am filled with gratitude for the kind of life I am living today.

Do you have remorse or bitterness of your actions in your past? If not, how did you get rid of these feelings? Are you grateful for the kind of life you have today?

7 Deadly Sins

Recently I have come face to face with the 7 deadly sins, also known as my 7 deadly character defects: Pride, Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Anger, Greed, and Sloth. Some have been more glaring than others. Pride and anger are the culprits dogging my every step of late — I go to sleep with them and wake up with them. Hard as I try to shake them, they cling like shadows.

It got me thinking about making a greater effort to shift my focus to their “virtuous counterparts:” Humility, Abstinence, Purity, Kindness, Generosity, Forgiveness, and Diligence. When I feel myself letting pride dictate my reactions, I try shifting to thoughts of humility as a preferred response.

Quite honestly, I don’t really ‘prefer’ to be humble, but I know humility will do me a great deal less harm than pride. When I feel anger hijacking my brain, I try to remind myself how patience and forgiveness could better quiet my stormy thinking.

What this program has taught me is that my character defects don’t serve me well at all. If I want peace and serenity, I have to learn to like the virtuous counterparts better than the defects. That is not as easy as I just made it sound, but well worth the effort. Please share what defects have been giving you problems lately and how you can replace them with their virtuous alternatives .

Anonymity

While trying to decide on a topic for this week, Dr. Bob’s words kept coming to mind, so I decided to go with Anonymity as the topic!

On page 264-265 of “DR. BOB and the Good Oldtimers” (Alcoholics Anonymous World Services Inc., New York 1980), it states:

“As far as anonymity was concerned, we knew who we were. It wasn’t only A.A., but our social life. All of our lives seemed to be spent together. We took people home with us to dry out. The Cleveland group had the names, addresses, and phone numbers of all the members,” said Warren. “In fact, I remember Dr. Bob saying, ‘If I got up and gave my name as Dr. Bob S., people who needed help would have a hard time getting in touch with me.'”

Warren recalled: “He (Dr. Bob) said there were two ways to break the anonymity Tradition: (1) by giving your name at the public level of press or radio; (2) by being so anonymous that you can’t be reached by other drunks.”

In an article in the February 1969 Grapevine, D.S. of San Mateo, California, wrote that Dr. Bob commented on the Eleventh Tradition as follows:

“Since our Tradition on anonymity designates the exact level where the line should be held, it must be obvious to everyone who can read and understand the English language that to maintain anonymity at any other level is definitely a violation of this ‘Tradition’.

Ladies what do you feel about anonymity? Are you open within your group about your last name? Do you agree with Dr Bob?

Getting What You Need

While I was considering what topic I would lead with today, I randomly opened a meditation book I read daily. It opened to a passage in which the author told of reading of a best-selling writer who had suddenly lost her child in a freak accident. The author commented that her eyes looked out the window at her own child bouncing a tennis ball off the house, and she realized that she had exactly what she needed in that moment. She whispered a prayer “Help me to remember that all I have is all I need.”

One of the most significant lessons for me in sobriety has been to realize that although I may not always get what I want, I always get what I need. I learned this fairly early in my sobriety when at two years sober, I suffered a loss that was devastating to me. I was heartbroken and in so much pain that I didn’t believe there was any point in being sober.

At the time I lived near a beach and I stopped at the beach, saying to myself that I would spend an hour on the beach, and then I would go to a liquor store. As I walked down the road to the beach, I ran into a young man that I didn’t know well, but I did know that he was also a friend of Bill W. He suggested we spend some time together talking on the beach, and we did. Talking to a sober friend calmed me down and reminded me that I did in fact want to be sober and that picking up a drink wouldn’t get rid of my pain – it would only postpone it. But I knew in that moment of encountering this earthly angel at exactly that moment, I knew I would always get exactly what I needed to get through one 24-hour period.

Later, during a time of extreme turbulence in my sobriety when my late husband was actively addicted to crack cocaine, I had an Al-Anon sponsor that kept reminding me of that lesson. Whenever I would call her extremely distraught about the external situation I was in that I was powerless over, she would say, “Be quiet a minute. Are you getting what you need today?” I always had to admit that I was. I have lost touch with that beautiful woman, but on stressful days, I can still hear her voice saying “Are you getting what you need today?”

This week, I would love to hear how you recognize that you are getting what you need in your sobriety. Have you met just the right sponsor or friend at just the right time? Have you read just the right passage in a book that helped you get through another day or heard just the right message at a meeting? As always, you are welcome to share on or off this topic.

Contempt Prior to Investigation

In the Fourth Edition of the Big Book, there is a quote by Herbert Spencer on BB page 568 that reads:

“There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance — that principle is contempt prior to investigation.”

I chose this quote following an incident that I had this week in the grocery store. I was shopping and trying to reach something above my head. Whenever I do this post-accident, I get very dizzy and stagger a bit, and it appears to anyone watching that I have had a liquid lunch. It appears that way because I keep trying to get what I am after off the shelf, and the more attempts, I make the more dizzy I become. It is not pleasant, it is embarrassing but it is what it is.

This week when trying to shop, a member of the fellowship who I had not seen or spoken to in some time was witness to this phenomenon in my life. She reached the thing I was after and told me to “get my ass back to a meeting that I knew better than to drink,” and she walked away. She didn’t ask me any questions, she made up her mind and decided she knew everything. I had no chance to respond. I got a taste of my own medicine.

When working the steps early in my program, I was unwilling to investigate the gift of spirituality offered me. I often crossed my arms and was adamant that it wouldn’t work, wasn’t for me … I have since learned different … but I had to put away my contempt to be open to the lessons.

I would like to hear your interpretations of the quote or about anything else you feel a need to share.

Choosing to Surrender

I have been reading and looking at Step 1 this month. It was only when I was broken and desperate enough that I chose to surrender and come to AA for help. Back when I was a kid, we played “uncle” — you would get tickled until you couldn’t take it anymore and then you would cry “UNCLE” and the person would have to stop. That’s kind of how I felt coming to AA — crying UNCLE — I couldn’t stop that the craving/obsession to drink.

It wasn’t just drinking that was the problem — my entire life was unmanageable. I didn’t necessarily think so at first. I only wanted “help” with my drinking problem. I could not imagine that I would never drink again. Alcohol was my best friend. Great friend, huh? My life was a mess and I thought (my best thinking) that I had it “ALL under control”. It’s almost comical looking back at it now.

Surrender seems like a continuously difficult thing to do, but gradually I am learning that it’s my choice whether I surrender or not. It’s a better choice. This weekend is a perfect example — the east coast storm.

I work at hospital, and this is my on call weekend. Due to the weather (I am powerless over it), the hospital has required all on call staff to spend the weekend at the hospital. Not one part of me desires to do this — I can come up with lots of reasons and arguments and be mad and pouty. BUT I am choosing NOT to take that approach — I have to keep reminding myself of that throughout the day. In fact, I wrote a gratitude list this morning after I woke up. (My sponsor has suggested that I pray and ask God how I can be of service to the patients and staff and take the focus off my situation.)

As I choose to surrender and turn things/situations over to my higher power, my life is simpler and easier to maneuver. I do not have it all together — very far from it — I can say that I am growing and getting better, and that’s a nice feeling.

Please feel free to share how you choose to surrender in your life and how that works for you.

Happy Usefulness

“Those of us who have spent much time in the world of spiritual make-believe have eventually seen the childishness of it. This dream world has been replaced by a great sense of purpose, accompanied by a growing consciousness of the power of God in our lives. We have come to believe He would like us to keep our heads in the clouds with Him, but that our feet ought to be firmly planted on earth. That is where our fellow travelers are, and that is where our work must be done. These are the realities for us. We have found nothing incompatible between a powerful spiritual experience and a life of sane and happy usefulness.” 
Alcoholics Anonymous, page 130

Before coming to the rooms, I used to be so darn self-absorbed. I would tell you that I was selfless, doing for others, but really it was only to get something in return. I had low self-esteem, yet I only thought of myself. All the time.

Enter the program, the steps, the ES&H of you ladies and my sponsor, and I have come to find my purpose. It is to be useful to my family, my friends and my employer … and to my God. Today I am grateful that I know my purpose, and I am grateful for the peace that it brings me.

Today I can speak slowly, clearly, and with purpose. My actions are thought out and organized (most of the time.) The reality of my life today is that, thanks to several spiritual awakenings, I am useful. I know that, thanks to the God of my understanding, nothing is impossible, and everything is possible.

I have dreams today. I know that keeping my feet firmly planted in this program, I can achieve these dreams. There’s no need to worry. I need only to trust and have faith that so long as I keep doing the next right thing. And in doing so, dreams that I didn’t even know I had will also come true …

Please share on this topic or anything else that’s on your mind.

Boundaries

I have been thinking about the holiday season with its heightened emotions and extra activities and how my approach has changed from year to year as I learn more about my preferences.

I was at a restaurant with others in a small group, some of whom I had never met before. I discussed with the waiter my “alcohol allergy.” I enquired about a meal that was described in the menu as having some kind of alcohol base on the steamed greens. After receiving assurances that the chef could easily provide the meal alcohol free, I ordered it.

The restaurant was busy, and when the meal finally came out I immediately tried the greens and knew straight away they had served me a meal with alcohol.

After a discussion with the waitress, she started talking about alcohol being cooked off while others at the table looked on and even behaved as though I was being difficult to get along with. Of course, when I told the waitress this was unacceptable, she took the plate away and returned within minutes announcing that another identical meal was coincidentally just being prepared and I could have that instead.

Despite my reticence, I tried the greens again. Being super sensitive to the taste of alcohol, I could recognise the taste of it immediately. The plate looked exactly the same and it seemed to me that the veges had been, if you can believe it, “rinsed off”. By this point others at the table were taking quite an interest in my meal instead of their own.

I left the meal on the table uneaten. I did not trust the kitchen and no longer wanted to eat in this restaurant, so I decided to focus on conversation instead. Someone at the table, who didn’t know me, even began making veiled comments about appreciation and the art of being flexible in a busy restaurant.

My point is this. I couldn’t care less! I just absolutely didn’t care! Maybe there would have been a time when making what appears to be a scene matters to me, or going hungry matters to me, or what I think others think of me matters to me, but when it comes to my sobriety (I don’t care) about any of those things. I speak up and behave according to my own truth no matter what, without feeling a need to explain or excuse myself, and if it gets down to it, I will do whatever it takes to take best care of me without a moment’s hesitation. Regardless of the fall out. Anywhere, anytime.

My partner wasn’t with me during that meal, and when she found out she was angry. She told me she would have wanted to storm the kitchen or insist on speaking to management, demanding satisfaction and refunds or whatever. I understand this is because she cares, and the way it unfolded was unacceptable to her.

But my HP and I have an understanding. God removes the obsession and compulsion, and I take care of the leg work, guided by God’s will as I understand it, and by our steps and our traditions. By the program principles, again, as I understand them. For me, this is about setting boundaries, and it also means going quietly about the business of being vigilant. Being responsible and accountable for myself in all matters pertaining to alcohol, without depending upon or involving anyone else where possible. And in this instance, I decided to avoid any more controversy. For me, the level of escalation and drama would have become detrimental to my peace of mind, so I chose to remain calm, seated at the table, and talking to the other guests.

And I am wondering …

In addition to attending meetings and doing the steps, what does vigilance mean to each of us, and how do we practice it in practical ways to protect our boundaries? What lines in the sand have we drawn in advance to keep ourselves safe from the unexpected?

My own vigilance in order to protect my boundaries, in the first instance, along with attending meetings and handing over to my HP, was to make sure that no alcohol entered my body or my psyche, through the taste of it, the smell of it, the touch of it, or even the idea of it. To this end, I started reading all labels including medicines, stayed away from people, places and events, where alcohol was a focus – or where it would be a focus for me (which was everywhere and everyone in those first days), and always asked questions when eating away from home.

Later on, those things became habit. And I still do them today. In fact, perhaps today I do them as much as ever so that complacency cannot get a foot in the door. I need to always respect this disease and my powerlessness over it. And to remember those aspects of this disease that hide so effectively. Denial, justification, self-sabotage, rationalisation, and the list goes on.

And so today it is within my boundaries to expect whoever is drinking to clean up their own bottles and glasses. This is my preference. It’s not that I can’t, it’s just that I don’t pick up bottles and glasses, full or empty. I have no business doing that. I also expect whoever is doing the drinking to buy their own alcohol. Again, it’s not that I can’t, it’s just that I don’t.

It is not my preference to stop in at the pub or bottle shop while I am out doing the grocery shopping. And the food I eat is 100% clean. I avoid eating in pubs with the smell of alcohol soaked into the carpets, not because I am at immediate risk but because I prefer not to. The conversations I have about the drinking days are only ever connected to twelve step work. I do not reminisce and would never compare drunkalogues. And at the end-of-day drink o’clock time I choose to walk the dog, or read a book. etc. or sit quietly by myself. I rarely sit around in drinking get-togethers with a soda in my hand. The habit and ritual is unacceptable to me.

Maybe these boundaries seem extreme to some, but for me there is no such thing as over reacting when it comes to keeping myself sober, straight, safe, and sane. And while I don’t make a loud song and dance about it, I know what is negotiable and not negotiable for me, and I act accordingly. I have communicated much of this to those closest to me and with whom there is mutual trust.

Having boundaries means I don’t test limits. I just take care of me, in the same way, all the time, without exceptions. So it doesn’t matter if it’s Christmas, some other celebration, or a lazy Sunday afternoon with family or friends, my vigilance does not rest, and my preferred boundaries remain in place.

What about you? What boundaries do you have, and how vigilant are you in maintaining them?

Please feel welcome to share on the topic of boundaries or on anything else that may come up for you.

Just For Today

Here we are in a new year, and it’s easy to get caught up in looking ahead, making plans and fearing the future. One of the first things I was told when I came to AA was that I only had to do this thing today, just for today. I had been a daily drinker, and for many years, it was not possible for me to make two days in a row sober. The concept of just staying sober today was, therefore, acceptable to me. Doing it was a very different thing.

My mind constantly wandered to tomorrow. Could I stay sober tomorrow too? How would I do it? And what would I do when I failed? Slowly, I found strategies for getting through today without a drink. For me, it was often one hour at a time. I’d give myself permission to have that drink … in an hour. Then I’d get busy with some task. Before I knew it, a few hours had passed. I’d give myself permission again to have a drink … in an hour. This way, I managed to string days together and stay sober. I had the cleanest oven in Northern Virginia!

As time passed, as I did the steps and worked with my sponsor, as I attended meetings every day, I began to learn that this approach worked for life too. All I had to do was get through this one day without freaking out. I began to ask in my morning prayer that HP get me through this day without a drink OR an emotional meltdown. I could always thank him for keeping me from drinking, but often, I had to ignore the emotional meltdown part in my bedtime prayer.

Early sobriety is so hard emotionally. I drank to become numb to my emotions, which were usually dark, angry, resentful, hurt. I would go on ’emotional drunks’ every couple of months. They’d last for about two weeks before I was finally exhausted and willing to let go and let God. Little by little, I began to trust my HP’s solutions rather than try to force my own. Things got better. Life got easier when all I focused on was this one day. I learned that Just for Today worked as well for life as it did for not drinking.

Over time, living Just for Today has become more important. I find that when I can stay in this one day, life is pretty easy. Problems may arise, but it will be ok. All I have to do is let my HP handle it and go about my business. The impact of my emotions is not nearly so severe as it once was. I can actually handle them – mostly by giving them to God. I don’t have to solve everything now. I can make plans, but they are always subject to revision, depending on what is going on in the omnipresent today.

It took a LOT of practice – a lot of trial and error – to get to the point where Just for Today is my Number One tool for sobriety and for life. There were many times when it seemed impossible. But I have figured something out …

Today is literally all there is. It is the only time I can make the choice not to drink. It is the only day I can nurture friendships or apply one of the program’s tools. Most important, it is the only day I can experience the rich relationship I have with my Higher Power. Today is truly the only day that exists. Living in that space is both comfortable and rewarding.

My suggestion for the topic is Just for Today. Are you struggling with living in this one day? What are or have been your challenges? And how has this approach changed you and your life? Of course, please feel free to share on anything you need to talk about.

Keep the Faith

I’d like to suggest as a topic for this week an excerpt from page 104 of the book, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions:

In AA we have found that the actual good results of prayer are beyond question. They are matters of knowledge and experience. All those who have persisted have found strength not ordinarily their own. They have found wisdom beyond their usual capability. And, they have increasingly found a peace of mind which can stand firm in the face of difficult circumstances.

This reminder is helpful to me because … sometimes God doesn’t seem to be listening to me … or “obeying.” <smile> Sometimes it seems that my prayers go “unanswered.” That can feel discouraging and cause me to “lose faith” … however, one of the wonderful things about this Program is that the more I participate, the more I receive reminders in ways big and small that prayers ARE answered! You recovering ladies tell me and show me that.

And, as I reflect back, I can see that the more I try to do the “next right thing” the more I find that “God does for me what I could not do for myself” [Big Book p 83-84]. Sometimes, God answers prayers that I didn’t even know I was praying! What is important for me is that I keep the faith and keep working my Program and doing the next right thing. God will make it all okay.

We are told that ” … those who have persisted have found strength not ordinarily their own … and wisdom beyond their usual capability … and peace of mind which can stand firm in the face of difficult circumstances …” For me, getting and staying sober is absolute proof that God has done amazing things for me that I could not do for myself. And there have been many, many other miracles and testaments to God’s care and guidance in my life. Participating in this Program (sharing, working the Steps) reminds me of that on a daily basis and reminds me to Keep The Faith.

I am honored to lead this meeting and encourage you to share on this topic or however you feel led to share. Thanks.

Thy Will Be Done

From page 87-88 of the big book…
“As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day “Thy will be done.” We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves. It works-it really does.”

Before coming around the rooms, I believed in A God but didn’t trust my life with said God.

I foolishly burned my energy forcing my will in any and all situations. I didn’t ask for help because I assumed no one would help me. Or if they did; then I would owe them and I didn’t want to do that.

It was all about me. If you weren’t going to do for me (expecting nothing in return) then I had moved on.

I isolated. I was lonely. I was agitated and doubtful, thinking I had to do it all. And yet I couldn’t get it done because, well I lacked hope and faith. I had no idea what I was doing. Barely living. Just existing really.

Enter the program of AA and developing a belief and a relationship with the God of my understanding, I learned to trust that everything is and would continue to be ok! All I had to do was follow a few suggestions. Ask for help in the morning and thank god at night. When I’m looking for the right thought or action I ask that Gods will be done. NOT MINE.

Thanks to my God for granting me the gift of an ounce of humility. I’m a more productive and useful person when I’m living in accordance to my Gods will.

This is the easier softer way of living. It works. It really, really does.

Please share on your experience of Gods will working in your life.

The Promises

This is my favorite month, because of my sobriety date, Christmas and my physical birthday. During these four years of sobriety, my God has been good to me and I feel Blessed.

When I came to AA, the week after Thanksgiving, I swore then I was never going to have a drink again. I had embarrassed my son in front of his in-laws and felt so ashamed and guilty of how I had behaved, but I am a slow learner. It took two more drunks for me to come in to the program, and the only reason I came in was because I had severe chest pains for two days and I knew if I had another drink I would die.

On my first meeting I came in desperate, scared that Christmas was fast approaching. How was I going to make it? For me it was Get sober or Die.

I had just been laid off from a Preschool Administrator position after 28 years. I did not know how I was going to do economically, and my husband had gone back to El Salvador.

In my first meeting, I heard I needed to get a sponsor, so I paid attention to see who looked like a good fit for me and I asked her at the end of the meeting. At first this person wasn’t sure about taking on someone on their first meeting, but she did and I lucked out. She told me 90/90, and I did. During this time, I started to notice that my short term memory and my mental processing were shot. They would ask me to read, and I did not comprehend what I was reading. They told me it was the sugar and that it would pass, and I have to tell you that after four years it’s gotten better.

One thing that I was able to pick up early on was that there were Promises, and I began to listen to them carefully. This part became my favorite part of the readings, since they gave me a sense of hope when I heard them being read.

The first couple of weeks in sobriety, I learned the Serenity prayer from these rooms. Every time I said it, I felt peaceful, something I had never felt before. I fell in love with the prayer, and I would say it constantly. It had become my mantra.

By the time Christmas came around the obsession had been lifted. I realized that I had experienced the Promise of God doing for me what I couldn’t do for myself, and I had made it through Christmas and New Years without a drink for the first time in 30 years.

Today, The Promises are being fulfilled in my life, sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly. I never knew that this could happen to me. My whole attitude and outlook upon life has changed. Now, I am learning through you, how to surrender the person, places, and things to my God and let him do the work.

I was forced to retire, and now I am living in El Salvador with my husband. I am learning to stand up for my own rights and living within my means. I am not worried about economic insecurity any more. I’m learning to trust that my God has me where I need to be.

“We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.” I am peaceful most of the time, and because of this I worry less about things. A huge load has been lifted. I look back on this whole situation, and there are many times that the old me would have drank. But calling my sponsor and reading your shares on a weekly basis help me keep grounded. I also attend mass daily and pray. What a change!

I am living testimony that the Promises can come to fruition if we work the program. And I feel blessed to be part of GROW.

How are The Promises being fulfilled in your life? You are welcome to share on this or any other topic that is in your heart. Have a Merry and Sober Christmas!

What character defect are you working on today?

Character Defects. Ugh, this is so not what I wanted to pick for a topic this week, but the topic picked me! LOL I have one glaring defect these days. I am too judgmental of others. I noticed it when chatting to my husband recently about other family members. (His family mostly, lol) Now that is certainly nice to notice, but in all fairness to myself they are the ones that live the closest that I interact with the most frequently right now. I just don’t like how I feel after taking their inventory or being critical of how they are choosing to live their lives. I suppose the Thanksgiving holiday played a part in all of it as we drove 500 miles to spend the holiday with a couple of lovely people that drink daily.

I realize now that while that may not have been the best idea, the actual holiday was wonderful. There were 10 of us for dinner, and six of those were twenty-something. It is fun to be around a bunch of kids the ages of my own children and the primary reason I chose to attend. (One of my kids is in Berkeley and the other in N.Y. and I try to see them once a year, but my son had to work and my daughter was in Utah.) At any rate, I noticed that at the end of the day while visiting our family downstate, my husband and I would lie in bed and talk about how blessed we feel not to be drinking on a daily basis. But I also noticed that I was particularly negative. So I thought perhaps it is something that needs to be addressed in myself.

I am becoming more like my Mother as I age and not in a nice way. Those very same character defects that my Mom had, I seem to have as I get older. The difference being, I have the magical tool kit that the Fellowship and my Higher Power have gifted me with. I don’t have to stay in the muck today. I can pray and ask God to remove those character defects (judgmental and negative) from me. Hold on, there is no time like the present. I will be back in a moment after I drop to my knees. What came to mind was the 7th Step Prayer.

The Seventh Step Prayer 
from page 76 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous 

My Creator,

I am now willing that You should have all of me, 
good and bad. 
I pray that You now remove from me 
every single defect of character which stands in the way 
of my usefulness to You and my fellows. 
Grant me strength, as I go out from here, 
to do Your bidding.

Having said a prayer in close proximity to the 7th Step prayer, I went on to ask that my Higher Power continue to keep me pliable. I would prefer to be play dough today and not fired clay rendered hard, dry, and fragile. It is as simple as that for me today.

I used to complicate things in early sobriety and try to figure out and understand exactly what motivated me. It has become easier to trust in the process that AA and the 12 Steps have laid out before me. If I am to have clarity on an issue with self, then my God will give that to me in His time. Those are those very magical and clear as a bell “Ah Hah” moments. Those moments are the golden threads in my tapestry and the pearls that adorn me. My creator gives me gifts each and every day, and for that I am grateful. So for now, I feel better. I have asked that my Higher Power remove my judginess (I made that word up.) and my negativity. Now I must do the footwork, and not gossip about it to others … or feed the stinkin’ thinkin’ from last weeks topic!

For me, character defects remind me of that “whack a mole” game or the movie “Caddy Shack.” I deal with them one by “whacking it back down or blowing it up” or giving it to God, as the case may be. And no sooner have I sat back to catch my breath when another one pops up!

I am never done growing gals. This is a process that lasts my lifetime. Still, I much prefer the sometimes painful growth to the misery I endured while still out in the world trying so desperately to control my drinking. Or as another one of my AA gals has shared with me in years past, character defects are something like the La Brea Tar Pits. The Mammoths and Sloths from the ice age continue to emerge from the primordial ooze as time passes, revealing themselves bit by bit.

So our topic this week is: What Character Defect are you working on today?

Stinkin’ Thinkin’ / Living in the Solution!

I got sober two weeks before Christmas, almost 33 years ago. So, it’s pre-birthday reflection time for me! I love the period coming up to my sobriety date. I never cease to wonder at being given the gift of sobriety, one day at a time from the moment I surrendered to that First Step. I had lost everything, even custody of my child. I had tried for 11 years — as a 19-yr old teenager — to get sober. And I kept relapsing — once after two and a half years.

Today, with a sober mind, I can see why I kept relapsing — I had never surrendered to both parts of our First Step. It’s as simple as that. No mystery. But boy did I complicate it then… I desperately looked for the ‘answer’ — in AA, in spiritual books and retreats, talking with priests, hypnotherapy (ended up dating the hypnotherapist LOL who failed to hypnotize me, by the way), hospitals, psychologists, changing the type of drink … ad infinitum.

Then I spent two and a half years living in white-knuckled sobriety. And finally lifted that first one. It took seven years to get truly sober. The worst stuff happened through those seven years. But it took what it took.

Two fellow alcoholics texted me this morning, each to say they had picked up again. I felt sad and downhearted for them. No one can make me want this program more than I want to drink. I have to *want* sobriety that tiny little bit more than I want to drink — this was how it was for me initially, when I finally did get sober.

I was torn at times, wanting to pick up yet knowing my time was running out. And when stinkin’ thinkin’ took a hold of me in those first years, I found it very hard. Stinkin’ thinkin’ was what the oldtimers in my group called the old ideas that are carried over into sobriety, only to be replaced little by little with new life-giving ones. I was overwhelmed with negativity at times, and creating fantasies so far removed from reality, and the old alcoholic ‘just remembering good times’ thing … so full of that stinkin’ thinkin’ … members would say to me “that’s your alcoholism trying to get you to drink.” That helped a lot — somehow thinking of an ‘enemy’ out there trying to outsmart me took the heat off me, and I wouldn’t give in because it wasn’t a part of *me* … and because if I reckoned that my thoughts weren’t sane ones, it helped not to believe them as gospel!

I’d try out the little tricks I’d been told about — like getting to a meeting, like ringing another alcoholic and sharing what was going on with me, and trusting in the Higher Power that I was now asking for help from. And very often, a strong theme running through my first days was that I’d feel folk were letting me down in one way or another. And my Power has never done that, right up to today. I get all I need, perfect strength, understanding and security from that God of my understanding … stuff that no human can give me.

If I feel I’m being let down, what follows is resentment, anger and self-pity. So, it’s vital for me to not let these things stay. Better still, if I can self-inventory when something happens and see my part in it, and then pray for the other, I’m unlikely to burn up with resentment. I try to respond and think of that other with love. Not easy, and sometimes it takes time. But most of the time if and when I feel let down, it’s an insecurity within me that is demanding too much from someone. And I have to face that and ask for it to be removed.

I practise living in the solution today. Even if I have to *drag* myself into it — like two weeks ago, I had a week of that. It’d been a while since I’d felt so bluesy.

When I lose hope and trust that all is well, it’s a sign I need to pray and meditate, to reach out to another, to get my gratitude levels up again. Get an extra meeting in.

Stinkin’ thinkin’ can pop its ugly head up still and always will. I’m human. But no way like it did before, because today there’s a big shift inside, and I know better. Life is so much easier, even when problems crop up. I can get grateful (list) and turn it around, no matter what it is. I can reach out to someone suffering. I can give it away. I can do Step 10, the spot check inventory. I can get freed up as soon as I recognize the slip in my thinking. And I want to live happy, joyous and free, so I do these things. 🙂

Maybe you’ll share what it was like for you with the baggage of ideas you came into sobriety with? How has it changed over time? What did you find particularly hard and don’t today? I have to say for me it’s the not putting my reliance on another human being but on a Power greater than me. What Bill W talked about — dependency on people as being one of the things he had still clung on to years into sobriety.

How the God of my Understanding has been Working in My Life

I asked to chair the GROW meeting closest to what I have considered my sobriety date. In coming up with a topic, however, I began to take a closer look at my own story and whether the date I chose really reflects my current understanding of how the higher power (I call God) has been working in my life.

Here’s how it went: on July 11, 1999, I had what turned out to be my last drink (of course, it wasn’t just one). I was clueless about what an alcoholic prison I was in; I had no intentions of quitting drinking. But on July 12, for some reason, I didn’t drink. And I haven’t had a drink since.

However, I didn’t come into AA until November 30, 2001. Those 16 months before that date were excruciating – no alcohol and no program. I suffered terribly as a dry drunk, and I hit a bottom lower than any I’d known before. At that particular meeting (I had actually been to a few meetings before that), I found hope, laughter, and a profound sense of belonging. For the first time in my life, I glimpsed an answer to all my suffering. Because that meeting seemed to be the beginning of a new life, I have been celebrating November 30, 2001, as my sobriety date.

For a long time, in AA, I worried that I wasn’t a “real alcoholic.” I was afraid you all would kick me out because my story wasn’t “bad enough.” Somewhere along the line, though, as I have grown in the program and have come to have a new relationship with the God of my understanding, I have accepted my “devastating weakness and all its consequences” (12 & 12, Step One, p. 21). I have been thanking the God I have come to know through AA for leading me to the fellowship in 2001. Now I want to celebrate the date when that power relieved my obsession to drink.

So here’s how I’m looking at my story now: on July 12, 1999, through a power that knew me better than I knew myself, I was reborn as a person who didn’t have to drink. Even though I crawled through the next 16 months, that same power stayed with me, then stood me on my feet and led me to AA school on November 30, 2001. I don’t have to worry about getting good grades in order to graduate – I’m allowed to be in school for the rest of my life! And as a member of GROW, I can attend class anywhere, anytime.

I’d love to hear from all of you about how the God of your understanding has been working in your life – or anything else you might relate to in my share!

Nightly Review Prayer

As the topic for today’s meeting I have chosen the 10th step nightly review prayer which can be found in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, page 86 paragraph 2.

God, help me to constructively review my day. Where was I resentful, dishonest, or afraid? Do I owe an apology? Have I kept something to myself which should be discussed with another person at once?

Though I am sober 31 years and thought I had made progress in a relationship with my only brother, I see now that hurdles exist to keep us from contact, much less closeness.

My brother happens be very wealthy and I badly could use money to pay the bills encountered in senior care, but he is unwilling to help at least for now. As a result, 31 years or not, I am angry and hurt with the not much of an attitude of patience, tolerance and love.

In a fit of anger yesterday I sent him an unkind e-mail; last night I knew I owed an apology, but I was not able to sit down and write one until early this morning. I have since sent it to him.

It truly doesn’t matter whether he sends me money or not; I can’t live with myself if I send an email, make a phone call, or other move berating anyone. I have a powerful AA conscience.

Was I kind and loving toward all? Most days I don’t get angry at anyone; nothing is that important, and I try to look at my part in every situation, an action that allows me to see where I contributed to the problem or I may have even caused it.

What could I have done better? This is not easy to answer, and I may not have one at the moment. But if it happens again I may want to investigate ways for me to act differently.

Was I thinking of myself most of the time? Or thinking of what I could do for others, or what to pack into the stream of life? I think as human beings we think first of ourselves; it is simply survival. Then if I turn my thoughts toward others it shows I am growing up or at least having a better day.

Please forgive me for my harms today and let me know corrective measures I should take. Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. I have heard it said that we are lucky to have this program and that most people could use it. What I think is we forget is that most people, normal people, often do the things we suggest in AA more naturally. But this is not true of all AA members not of all normal people of course.

Personally I feel blessed to have the 12 steps to help me live a more comfortable life.

How about you? Does this prayer play a role in your everyday actions? How has the use of such ideas been a help to you? Please review the prayer and share with us.

Gifts of Early Sobriety

Aloha, Friends. I am so grateful for my sobriety today – some of you know that last week I celebrated 7 years of continuous sobriety. A miracle. I have been reflecting on my early sobriety as I do around this time of year.

I was a garden variety drunk, an everyday, rain or shine drinker. For years, I did not want to drink anymore but somehow always ended up drunk, passed out, often someplace I didn’t belong. I was totally empty inside, trying so hard but always failing at life but trying to make it look good – I could never figure out why everyone else got the instruction book and I was left out.

AA came to me through a “13th step” – an online flare up with an old acquaintance. He was sober (and also involved with another woman in a face–to–face relationship) and so, in an effort to win his heart, I walked into an AA meeting. I was hoping for the at home study program, but I kept going to meetings because that’s what you told me to do. I did many of the things you told me to do. In that first year of sobriety, I started to understand the language of AA, started to understand myself, started to live a life. I went from wanting to die every day to not entirely wanting to die and later on to wanting to live.

In those early days I received many gifts from people in the rooms of AA that continue to guide me:

• I learned to Mind my own business.
• I learned that not every situation needed urgent action from me.
• I was given the gift of being able to help another alcoholic – no matter what my length of sobriety.
• And perhaps the greatest gift: I was given a defense against the first drink.

As time has gone on, one day at a time, I have received many many more gifts: a loving HP, wonderful sponsors, great sober female friends, restored relationships, a home in AA anywhere in the world. All these things make my life rich and wonderful. It is still life, though. At this point, I don’t even feel like I can take credit for any of my sobriety – all this is a gift from my HP. I just show up and do the work.

I would like to hear from you wonderful sober women, what were the greatest gifts you received in early sobriety?

Gratitude

This is my anniversary month, both for sobriety and marriage so I have lots to be grateful for 🙂 It is also gratitude month. When I got sober in November 1979, I didn’t have a clue what gratitude was all about, and just about every meeting we attended was on gratitude. It was amazing to be surrounded by hope and happiness, smiles, and well wishes.

On Thanksgiving Day, the group I got sober in opened the meetings to the families and had food and desert. Then the meeting got underway, and we all drew a number. When that number was called, we got to share what we were grateful for on this special day. For a lot of us, it was that we were still alive and had another chance at living the correct way. From that day on until the celebrations started to slow down in January, I felt like a small bird who had found a nest and was being cared for and loved by a bunch of men and women who wanted nothing but the best for me and were showing me how to give it away to keep it.

That first holiday season was the beginning of a journey, now 36 years in the making, which gave me a life of love and service. As my sponsor used to say, “We came to get, we stay to give and, in the giving, we get – so is the circle of life”

Thanks for being on the journey. Please share what you wish. Something you may have picked up from my ramble or something that is on your mind.

Hope

Hope. It was the ray of light that shone into my darkness of despair; the light that that led me forward into a new life.

Hope was the hands that reached out to me when I was trembling and scared and embraced me in their warmth. These were the hands of my god, the source of the hope that was brought into my life because he cradled me in his hands, he picked me up when I was broken and carried me when I couldn’t carry myself.

I didn’t know if hope before I came to step two. All I knew was the crushing disappointment of yet one more attempt to control my drinking. I thought that I was destined to spend years always trying and failing to be ‘normal.’ I thought that I was a failure that I was weak-willed and lacked control.

I did lack control, but not because I was a weak-willed person but because I am an addict with the disease of addiction kicking. It kicks around in the form of alcoholism, and whilst I have a reprieve from drinking today, I still have the disease. Without my HP whom I choose to call god, it can control me. This is because my poor little brain and emotions cannot deal with the implications and manipulation by themselves; I need my higher power to take this burden from me every day.

I remember when I first had the sense of hope. It was a flicker of a ray — just a thought “Can this really be true? Can ‘god’ really be my answer? ‘Would ‘god’ really be able to fix this? I had just about given up all hope. I guess you could say that the belief in god was my last ditch approach.

I was willing to try anything, and this included believing in something or someone that I wasn’t even sure existed but was hopeful that they did. I hoped that whatever ‘it’ was out there would help me. I was willing to believe in the hope that this concept gave me.

I was extremely dubious at first because, as mentioned before, hope often led to disappointment. I would have false expectations brought on by ‘hope.’ Would this time really be any different? I knew somehow that this was different, because it felt different. It was in my heart.

That sense of hope, however miniscule it was at the time, had caught my heart on fire, and it was starting to burn. I was willing to have hope that someone/something would help me not just with the physical, but with the whole of this disease that whatever this ‘thing’ out there was, would be able to free me from the despair and hell my life had become when I was drinking. It was hope that gave birth to faith.

Having hope meant having a willingness to believe, and this meant to pray. I didn’t know who or what I was praying too, but I was willing to pray. The perception of my HP at the time was very overwhelming and scary. I really had no idea about the concept of how this power greater then myself would be able to help me, but I had to trust. That was a very scary place to be. I started off praying to an entity that felt like a stranger but who is now a friend.

My god is a friend who shows me unconditional love, who guides me as I crawl, walk, run, hop, skip, dance and stumble through recovery and who inspires me with just as much hope as when I first got down on my knees.

There is a line from a Keb Mo song that I like “hand it over, hand it over, get on your knees and pray.” That is exactly what I did. Got down on my knees and prayed; with hope in my heart and fear in my eyes but I did it.

Hope is power. Hope is a healer. It is a chance of new beginnings. Having the willingness to believe in something that could give me a new chance was a gift. It can be a scary place to be though. I liken it to standing on the edge of the cliff and you are teetering on the edge, scared to jump because the unknown of the air is scarier than the ledge that you will land on — and what if you don’t land on it? This is where the hope comes in that wind of faith will catch you as you fall and make you fly.

Having hope was taking the jump. That’s all I needed to do; the rest came as it needed to. On the times when I do start to fall down towards that edge and on the times that I’ve landed: I may be a little bruised and dusty, but I still know how to fly. Because hope taught me to jump and faith taught me to fly.

I would love to hear your experience about hope and what step two means to you.

Let Go and Let God

“Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God’s hands were better than anything we could have planned. Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!” (Page 100 in Big Book of AA)
As I look back over the past 23 months, remarkable things have indeed happened in my life. As I have let go of me being in charge/control, my higher power, who I choose to call God, has performed true miracles in my life. I have to keep reminding myself where I have come from. Today, there is what seems a Mount Everest issue in my life. Despite having seen what my higher power has done, I am still struggling with letting God have it.

I want to control the circumstances. I want to control the outcome. I deserve it … right? You would feel this way if you were me! Feel sorry for me — I didn’t ask for this … I could go and on.

Yet I know he has done miracles and will continue to do so as I choose to let him. So today I am working on letting go of what I want, think, need etc.

Please consider sharing with the group your ESH about letting go and letting God.

Forgiveness

As I mentioned, yesterday was my year anniversary. I haven’t touched alcohol for 365 days, one day at a time. That is pretty amazing to me. I have been at this milestone before, about 6 years ago after being in a 15 month, faith based-inpatient treatment. After graduating that program, I was able to stay sober for another year. I white knuckled it the whole time. I wanted to drink, and struggled with the temptation everyday still. I relapsed, and it just got worse. I still wanted so badly to be sober, but just couldn’t deal with life on life’s terms.

I was a chronic relapser. I could stay sober for months and then something would happen, mostly a circumstance out of my control, and I would just lose it. I finally went back to treatment on October 14, 2014 to a different place that only focused on AA. This time, was completely different. It was technically my 5th time in treatment (I went to a 30 day one three times previous to the 15 month one). But this time, I had a revelation. After doing my 3rd step prayer with a staff member, I felt it. Free. Free of control and having to carry the load of everything. I didn’t HAVE to control things anymore!!!! It was the most exhilarating experience I have ever felt.

Since then, I battle the control demon every day still, but I am able to do it in a much more controlled manner. I have realized that circumstances of life are all about how we react to them. They don’t have to make or break someone. They certainly don’t control my sobriety. My higher power, who I call God, helps me figure out what to do, and I just do what is right in front of me, for that day.

I have had a hard year of circumstances, but I am thankful for them. I learned a lot through the good and the bad. However I had something happen yesterday that rocked my world a little. I had a friend from treatment who accused me of lying about my sobriety on my Facebook page. I was just shocked and so deeply hurt. She has not had a year of sobriety, and I know it is all from jealousy. But it really hurt. I was very angry, and fantasies of numbing and drinking the pain went through my head. How insane is that??? I quickly realized that I was letting it really get to me, and I have now started praying for her – even if it isn’t the easiest thing to do.

SO that is my topic. How do you deal with people/circumstances that really upset/anger you??? I am really looking forward to your shares, as I know I will learn something from each one.

Don’t Drink No Matter What

When I first came into the program, Sept. 30, 1992 … it happen to be on a Wednesday (just like this year) and it happen to be a celebration meeting. A friend of the family was celebrating, I hadn’t even known that he finally got sober!! What an HP shot that was. He thought I was there to support him, I told him it was my first meeting, and he welcomed me, introduced me to some ladies, and was a big part of my recovery. He suggested I find a sponsor right away … a woman that had what I wanted.

I found one within a couple weeks or less, I believe. She told me this is a simple program for complicated minds so she’s gonna KISS (keep it simple silly) … don’t pick up the first drink no matter what … you call me first … go to meetings and we will start the steps.

Hmmm. Don’t pick up no matter what … well, my sisters … as some of the long-timers here know me … I’ve been through the ringer in sobriety … 23 years … I’ve been in accidents, surgeries, losses of my father and other friends, health issues galore … bed bound, house bound, able bodied to house bound again and this list could go on … but one thing I knew during it all … and despite on a few occasions of thinking, “I want a drink” … Yes, I said it, I did NOT pick up no matter what!!

I am not immune to this disease. I have 23 years of tools, sobriety, ESH, some sanity, smiles … however, I only have today. I am only guaranteed 24 hours depending on the condition of my spirituality. That means, for this alkie, I need to go to meetings, work the steps in my life daily, work them formally every few years, call my sponsor once a week or more if needed, and be of service … only then might I have a chance at not drinking today. Dependent on my spiritual conditioning … I have not always handled everything gracefully; however, I have not picked up a drink. I have had times of emotional and spiritual relapses and slips … I have not picked up a drink no matter what!

Currently, I am going through testing for more health issues, as I shared earlier, I have a service dog of 13 years that is up and down with her failing health and a few other things … however … I don’t pick up no matter what … If the thought crosses my mind (as it did when I thought I had to put Haylee down … and there is going to come a time … sooner hopefully later that this will have to happen) I call my sponsor, my network, I share about it, I pray about it, I turn it over as many times as I need to … .I just don’t act on it … I think it through and I stop the thought! I don’t pick up no matter what …

So, I hope that made sense … please share on what you might do to take care of your sobriety today and Not Pick Up No Matter What … .or anything else on your heart today …

Replacing Old Ideas

My favorite thing to do when I am to take the lead in any meeting, general topic, is to take my Big Book off the shelf and open it to a page. Read a little bit and come up with a topic. I have to laugh … I opened to page 414 and that could be because it’s my favorite story and part of the book I read often.

The first paragraph on the page …

“I was locked up. One has to be pretty sick to do that, and perhaps one has to be even sicker to come back every day for a new list, as she did. (Today we don’t have to live that way. Max still works with me in the office, but we have turned our wills and our lives and our work over to the care of God. Each with the other as a witness, we took the Third Step out loud-just as it says in the Big Book. And life keeps getting simpler and easier as we try to reverse my old idea, by taking care of the internal environment via the Twelve steps, and letting the external environment take care of itself.)”

Yep … A great reminder for this alcoholic. Today my life seems simple and easy when I remember that I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to my higher power. The problem isn’t the outside world but from within me. Life may present its challenges, but I have a choice in how I view them. Are they problems? No. They are challenges for a moment, but thanks to this program, my mind goes from “challenge” to “opportunity for growth.” (Someone in one of online meetings mentioned “challenges” the other day and I just loved it. Kind of like a middle ground between problems and opportunities for growth.)

When I “reverse my old idea” and draw upon all that I have learned via the program, the steps, and the fellowship. When I remember to take action to deal with me and my thinking … When I don’t know what action to take and turn it ALL over, life is EASIER.

So ladies, please feel take what you want from this lead and share your ESH. Or whatever may be on your mind.

Have You Found What You Want?

I heard this topic at a meeting recently. In How It Works it says, “If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it …” What is it that you want? Have you found what you want?

When I went to my first meeting, all I wanted was to quit drinking. I had been drinking daily for 15 years, and it was getting worse. I didn’t eat well, I was a heavy smoker, my health was deteriorating, and my spirit was very close to dead. I heard in almost every share that you drank like I did, and you had found a way to stop. I really wanted that. When people talked about how wonderful their lives were and how much they had gained, I had no idea what that meant. But when they claimed they were neutral to alcohol, I paid attention. The same thing was said all the time: “Come to 90 meetings in 90 days, read the Big Book, pray, get a sponsor, and work steps.”

I took the advice and got what I wanted: I don’t drink, and I don’t fight it. I do now understand how much the 12 steps have to offer, and I have been blessed beyond what I could have asked for. That is probably the key for me, beyond what I could have asked for. God had a much bigger and much better plan, so I continue to seek and pray for God’s direction.

Living Life on Life’s Terms – Sober

It is such a pleasure to lead this week’s discussion. I will be sober 9 months on the 15th and am dealing with many of life’s “firsts”. The Christmas holidays (last year), my birthday right after Christmas, New Years, all the other holidays until now. Dealing with stress on the job or in the home without picking up a drink- it was always how I coped with life. Drinking was a good friend who was always there.

Yesterday I attended the funeral of a very good friend’s mother, and this was another first- I didn’t drink after the funeral. Any other funeral always had a bottle of something that helped me to relax after. When my dad died last year, I was with him for the month prior to him passing from “the big C” as he called it. During that month, I drank like a fish every day. I can say now that even though I was there, I wasn’t really present. I was numb. I drank very heavily after he passed and continued to numb the sensation of the loss with alcohol. It’s all I knew, drinking was always my coping mechanism.

Yesterday, I was in the moment and felt the pain and compassion for the family of this dear person – and it was fine! I wasn’t overcome with grief, and I wasn’t obnoxious (drinking would do that to me). I was able to comfort the family and be there for them – 100%.

I know this program provides the strength to handle life on life’s terms. Saying the Serenity Prayer and praying for others – not just for myself – gives me the strength I need to make it through each day. Going to meetings regularly and working with my sponsor helps me to stay sober for another 24, even when life throws a curveball.

Please take a moment and share with our sisters how you are coping with the difficulties of life as they rear their ugly heads. How do you do it? What keeps you going when you’re faced with adversity and how you’re able to manage life on life’s terms.

Page 417 from the Big Book states, “Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept my life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.”

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

I’d like to suggest that we talk about the Big Book and how it has influenced/affected our recovery. I feel fortunate that when I first came into AA, I attended several meetings that emphasized the Big Book and the Steps (the core of the Program for me). Some of my favorite meetings have been Big Book meetings where we read and share through the entire Big Book, including the stories at the back. My favorite passage in the Big Book is “How It Works” (Ch 5). At the very first AA meeting I attended (I was there because I was trying to learn how to live with the people in my life who were drinking WAY too much!!!), I was asked to read that passage. My response as I looked at the two page document was, “The whole thing?” I read it and was deeply touched and moved and saw how MUCH I fit into the description of the alcoholic and felt hopeful as I read about what it takes to achieve and maintain sobriety. Almost immediately after I finished reading that passage, the Chairperson asked if there was anyone attending their very first AA meeting. I was able to raise my hand and say, “I’m Susan, and I’m an alcoholic.” And, that began my journey in sobriety.

Please share on how the Big Book has affected your sobriety / recovery … or whatever is on your mind/heart at this time. Thanks for participating.

Accepting Our Present Circumstances

January 12th Daily Reflection: “Our very first problem is to accept our present circumstances as they are and the people about us as they are.” When I am having a difficult time accepting people, places or events, I need to remember this reading.

When I first entered the rooms and got a sponsor I heard a few keys things … just because I have quit drinking and have started the steps, I will try to walk the AA path. The serenity prayer took some time to really sink in, but as I recited it over and over, sometimes when I was so troubled, I realized life wasn’t going to be stress free. People were not going to necessarily change. I was the one that had to change and accept people’s behavior. I had to meet life on life’s terms.

Early in sobriety my sponsor said, “Why do alcoholics think every day has to be a good day?” Accept it is not a good day, don’t stay there long and start my day over anytime.

I know the rule: pray for the person for two weeks. How has that been for you gals? I am glad to be on this journey, sober. When I see unhealthy people around me that think being that way is ok, it is not up to me to take their inventory. I am to do the next right thing and keep my side of the street clean.

I need to remember nothing happens in God’s kingdom by accident. I need to Pause and Be Still. What is God teaching me, even if I don’t see it when I think I should see it …

This was a difficult topic for me this week, but will eagerly wait your shares!

Amends

My God has a real sense of humor and allowed me to receive the blessing of my last of my amends to be resolved. When I was two years sober I went back to Canada with the hope of resolving some issues. The final and hardest being amends to my youngest son. I sat across the table from him in his home and tried with all my heart to clear my side of the street. It was increasingly obvious that he wanted no part of this at all. He sat there drinking and smoking dope defiantly, starting straight at me as if daring me to do or say something in anger. I managed to pause and practiced restraint and I walked out saying I love you and I always will. I came back to Florida and for many years had no idea where he was. In 1991 my mother and I went to visit with him and my grandchildren and he was so abusive to us we left. I have not seen him since then. In 1997 I got a phone call and some members on here will remember sitting in a chat room with me while I waited through the night to see if he was going to live after someone had cut his throat. Then again years with no knowledge of where he was.

About 3 years ago I got a Xmas card, then a Mothers’ day card and a birthday card and so on. My birthday was a couple of weeks ago and a day or so afterwards I got a card in the mail from him with a beautiful written note and a phone number. I was so excited I could hardly contain myself. Of course no restraint I tried to call him that very day but there was no answer. The next day I tried again and he answered and I felt that the weight of the world had been lifted from my heart. We talked for an hour and a half and I didn’t even know it had been that long. My husband told me. We talked about everything including spirituality, which absolutely blew me away.

It was a long time coming. 33 years but I finally have my son back in my life and I am so grateful to the God of my mis-understanding for bringing him back to me.

Please let us know some of your joys and your hardships with amends or share with us whatever is on your mind.

Quieting Ourselves

As Bill Sees It:

“58 Righteous Indignation

“The positive value of righteous indignation is theoretical — especially for alcoholics. It leaves every one of us open to the rationalization that we may be as angry as we like provided we claim to be righteous about it.

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“When we harbored grudged and planned revenge for defeats, we were really beating ourselves with the club of anger we had intended to use on others. We learned that if we were seriously disturbed, our very first need was to quiet that disturbance, regardless of who or what we thought caused it.”

1. Letter, 1954
2. Twelve and Twelve, pp.48-49

I picked this reading because, as much as I’d love to have picked a ‘happy joyous and free’ theme, I’m afraid I’ve come across some ugly self-rationalization and self-justification going on lately. Throw in some ‘justifiable anger,’ and you got a whole explosive dangerous emotional cocktail.

I did a mini step 4 (or more like a much needed step 10 but using the step 4 columns from the Big Book) and then shared it with another sober lady. And there it was: indignation (how dare they), distrust, control, manipulation, neediness and my old-time favorite, bearing grudges… sigh [ugly I know…].

Anyway, I could see I was setting myself towards another dry drunk bender or scary enough, a drink. I realized the only way forward is to pray and forgive. That’s when I said to the other lady: “I don’t know what to do … but I do need to be quiet right now.”

When I am disturbed, I can’t see the wood from the trees. I need that quieting. Just maybe a moment of still within. And I know then I’ll be able to see the light in the forest. Or at least have hope there’s a way out.

How do you find the quiet or the serenity, or whatever you like to call it, within the storm? How do you deal with indignation (righteous or not!)? What do you do to find the stillness?

Please feel free to share on this or anything else relating to recovery from alcoholism.

What does it mean to be sober?

I recently heard someone who was sober in AA question whether he was really sober. He had relapsed on medication. Although he stopped the meds and still wasn’t drinking, he was smoking cigarettes. And eating when he was upset. And losing his temper. Is that sobriety, he wondered?

I left that meeting a bit rattled. Fortunately I’ve been listening to you all long enough understand that I am on a journey. There is no graduation from AA. And there is no test to qualify! I get to decide that I am an alcoholic. I also get to decide what my sobriety looks like.

As I reflect on my 24 month journey, I recognize that I have grown in my sobriety.

This past weekend I was given the opportunity to see just how far this program of action has taken me. My boyfriend’s extended family was in town. I haven’t seen most of them in years because, in the past, I would have avoided them. Then, I would have sulked and complained that they didn’t like me.

Instead, I made boundaries so that I had time with family and time to myself. I accepted them as they are instead of making up stories about what they were REALLY thinking. Guess what? My resentments against my boyfriend’s family are gone. None of this would have been possible without my HP and my sobriety.

So, today I’d like to ask: What does it mean to you to be sober? How has your definition of sobriety changed over time? How can you tell if you are progressing or regressing in your sobriety?

I’m excited to hear what you have to share on this or any other topic that has your attention this week. I feel real gratitude and love for this community we have.

Denial

I have the disease of addiction. It makes me an alcoholic – an addict. And it means denial is second nature to me.

Today my higher power and I are celebrating 23 years of continuous recovery, walking together in sobriety through rough times and ready times, and times when change has come upon me ready or not.

The disease of addiction has meant that I have needed to navigate through many incidences of denial over the years. My recovery is contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition and for me there can be only one higher power.

Time and again I have discovered an addictive behaviour that gets in the way of my usefulness to God and to others. A behaviour that has no business being in my attempts to do God’s will.

Non prescription drugs, cigarettes, coffee, work, excessive pride, toxic relationships, prescription drugs, sugar. Some things were stopped when I got sober or before, and some later in recovery. All substances or things I had turned to with the same justifications, all with the same levels of denial. All with the same goal, to get me out of the present moment and make me feel different. Behaviours that needed to be discovered and addressed through surrender. But only once I realised they were a problem. Only when I became ready for change could I even begin the process.

The paradox of denial has meant that I genuinely couldn’t see the truth of my situation or feelings. So how could I undertake change before it hurt enough, or even make sense of what was going on without those vital facts?

If I’m lucky I might have had a vague sense that I need to pray for clarity, but as I mentioned, the paradox of denial is that I genuinely don’t know what I don’t know. This means most of the time I haven’t even realised I needed to ask for clarity. I’ve just gone along, doing what I am doing, thinking I’ve got it right and then noticing I can’t seem to get results, feeling that something seems out of balance, that there is a gap between me and God and struggling to find my footing.

Just like when I was drinking and in active denial, when I could not see my addiction, and without all the facts, I sought to understand my unhappiness and less than impressive results. I thought the reason had to be something else. I sought to blame and looked outside of myself for understanding.

With alcohol, I suspected it might be others in the household for not supporting my efforts to stop, I thought the alcohol industry had a hand in it for selling alcohol. I believed my family of origin had a hand in it for not teaching me a better way of living, I blamed my lousy will power, I even justified my excessive consumption by explaining people’s varying rates of metabolism. The list was endless. Too busy, don’t care enough, not safe, sick of failing, wrong climate, etc etc. I was so very busy “doing”, instead of “being.” I considered everything but the truth, I was an alcoholic. I couldn’t consider this truth because a major symptom in the disease of addiction is denial. My inner addict wanted me busy “doing,” so there was no time for “being.”

The stopping of other addictive behaviours have followed similar lines.

Today I hope I am truly willing to embrace self honesty as best as I can. That means continuing to seek regardless of how I think I’m doing.

If I do this, I trust the ah hah moments that have truly moved me forward on my journey will continue. I have to watch for anything that might be pre-occupying me, it could be another addictive distraction because the addict within is expert at deceiving me.

But with the knowledge I now have about my disease of addiction, I can look at my denial around drinking and make sure that I don’t look for reasons where there are none. If I have thoughts about picking up it is because I am an alcoholic. If I actually do pick up, it is because I am an alcoholic. Being addicted to alcohol is the reason why, not any of those other things outside of that.

Accepting this is important to me because it means I can make change from a place of honesty. It means that ok, the whole thing starts and stops with my addiction so what do I need to do to take full responsibility for managing this?

First of all, I surrender to the fact that the disease of addiction can only be arrested one day at a time, by living in the moment, and allowing a power greater than me to do exactly that … Be greater than me.

Secondly, in addition to letting go and letting God, there is leg work. My leg work includes maintaining my commitment to self honesty. It means continuing to be open minded regardless of whether I think and feel I have made the best or even the only choice. To seek! To assume that despite compelling evidence, the denial component of this disease could well be hiding reality from me.

These are “being” things. My recovery also includes planning, service work, meetings, and other practical strategies which are “doing” things. In and of themselves, while they are important, I need to remember they are “doing” things, so that I can watch out for pre-occupation of a different kind, obsession, pride, perfectionism and really all my character defects given enough time. It is possible for my denial to make a play for my serenity if I let myself become too busy “doing” without the balance of “being”, even doing what is suggested in recovery.

Living by the principles of this program, handing over to God with all my heart and understanding every day. These are not options or choices. They are the first and only line of defence for a disease that tells me I don’t have a disease. I am so grateful that the pain of my reality became so great that it broke through my denial around my alcoholism, because it meant I could escape the hell I was living in.

Every day I am abstinent is a miracle. Each and every moment is cause for celebration and thanks. Perhaps my disease will tell me I have failed if I am marking my time in minutes, or celebrating 24 hours instead of 24 weeks or years. I’m not listening. Every second, every minute that I name this addiction and claim abstinence is a victory. Let me shout it from the roof tops. Did you hear? I’m an alcoholic, and in this moment I have broken through my denial to call it by name. Today it has no power over me.

I would love to hear how you navigate through life in respect to denial. What is your understanding of denial? How has it sabotaged you in active addiction? What tricks has it got up to in recovery? When has it left you shaking your head and smiling ruefully after the truth finally emerged? Please feel free to share on this recovery focus or anything else that might arise for you after “attending” the opening of this week’s meeting.

I Am An Alcoholic

“I am an alcoholic” … those simple words have such a profound effect. It has been several months since I shared, and I cannot truly describe the feeling I have right now. These cyber rooms have been such a powerful part of my sobriety, and yet I wandered away so easily.

I came to AA in 1998 after a short stay in a mental hospital … in there I died spiritually. It was a very dark time in my life. At that time, I was a mother of four lovely daughters, and they were only in 5th, 4th, 2nd, and 1st grades at that time. My life was consumed in a very toxic marriage and trying to find acceptance in a world that seemed so foreign to me. I truly felt all would be better off without me.

I found myself in the rooms of AA, and it was painful hearing the Promises in those early years because God hated me because I truly felt I was a mistake. Yet you encouraged me to stay and find a God of my own understanding, and I did … in my ladies. I was determined to get better for them … they became my higher power in those early years. I would wear armor when I was with them and when I stepped through the threshold of AA, that armor would fall to the side and I became teachable. Step by step, I was able to find a higher power that brought meaning back into my life.

I saw how I put people, places, and things in the position of God. I saw how I took on the position of God myself … trying to make things be the way I wanted things to be. Slowly but surely, I left AA after my 7th year because I started to see the differences. It took another alcoholic to give me the gift of desperation to truly see I wasn’t different. When my daughter found herself in the rooms of AA, I found myself back there, too. I found GROW at that time, too.

To say I grew a lot would be an understatement. The fellowship and service work in AA and Al-anon truly brought meaning to my life … just what the promises say would happen … “We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which use to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.”

I divorced my husband and commenced on that new life accepting life on life’s terms and embracing it fully. I have gone through a lot since coming back to the rooms of AA; however, I am so very grateful for it.

So where is the topic of this week? Well, for the last three months, I found myself in a relationship. Slowly but surely, I found myself wandering away from AA again … the very thing that saved me from a life that was void of “life.” I found myself in fear quite honestly; however, it is that “fear” that I saw the steps, traditions, and concepts of AA working. That “fear” was awareness of the slippery path I was on, embraced it, and I expressed my needs. Something I would not do and yet something I must do … I do not have another drink in me.

My partner in life is understanding of my need to work my program – for which I am grateful – and supports me – by which I am humbled. That need reminds me of the importance to keep the perspective of remaining spiritually fit, taking care of myself so that I may be there for my partner.

I am truly blessed being an alcoholic. I would not be where I am today without AA and Al-anon. I was given a second chance at life that cannot be taken for granted.

No matter how long you have been in this program, we are all the same … it is a day at a time.

As it says on page 85 of the Big Book, “What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities.” I cannot forget from where I came, so when I say the words “My name is Tanya, and I am an alcoholic …” I am truly a grateful alcoholic.

Please share your experience, your strength, and your hope on what it means when you say “I am an alcoholic.”

No Price Tag

The joy of living is the theme of AA’s 12th step and action is the principle behind it. This concept helps us to experience the kind of giving that asks no rewards, and here we can practice all of the 12 steps in the 12 steps we use in our daily lives we seek to change; we see the kind of love that has no price tag on it.

By reaching out the hand of AA when it is asked for, we find that we are no longer isolated and alone in a self-contained prison, that we are no longer square pegs in round holes but can fit and belong in every part of HIS scheme of things.

This step claims that true ambition is not what we thought: it is to live usefully and walk with humility, all under the grace of God. When life isn’t going the way I want it to, I try every time to pick up the phone so I can learn how another alcoholic is faring, to offer my assistance, to meditate and pray to God eagerly.

As it says on p. 124, I can understand that “true leadership is being an example, and has nothing to do with power and glory. Step 12 is a joyful look at how our lives can turn around and we can be content with what we have and not want more; it is the culmination the God-directed program given us by Bill and Bob.”

Please read pages 107 and 124 in the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, New York, third edition, 1959, and share with us your experience with Step 12.

Finding Serenity

My topic for this week is serenity. I want it. ALL the time! ☺ Serenity now!!! When I was in treatment for 30 days, this last time 9 months ago (but fifth time overall), I found serenity – for the first time in my 35 years. I really felt the heaviness of all of my burdens come off of my soul after I did my third step and REALLY gave God control of my life. I literally can tell you the day that I felt serenity for the first time. I found it even more after step four and five. I believe everyone should take their own inventory, recognize their part in some of past hurts and resentments, and heal from them.

There are so many different struggles for my family and I right now – things that normally would send me over the edge, but with the tools and support I have I am able to go on. I wonder if it is a coincidence that I was tempted to drink very badly on my 9-month anniversary yesterday. I had a few bad things happen and for the first time in 8 months, I thought about having a drink. Until then, I had been totally disgusted with even the thought. Today, I am so incredibly grateful that I woke up sober and made it through a very hard week. I can do this with God’s help and AA.

I pray for serenity and peace everyday now, but some days are so much harder than others and I lose that sense of peace, and it takes a while to get it back. I have come up with a term for what I need every now and then to make sure I get it back. It’s called DETACH and RE-CHARGE. Or D&R for short. I need to go somewhere and get away from people, pray/meditate, and be still for at least 15 minutes. It helps me TREMENDOUSLY!!!

In the promises, the Big Book says, “We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 83)

What are some of the ways that you all find your serenity??? How do you bring it back when life is tossing waves at you??

How We Respond

“What happens to us is not as important as how we respond.”

July 1st, I reached 10 years in sobriety. On one hand, it seems impossible. and yet on the other I have felt every day go by. I’m very proud of myself for maintaining sobriety through the worst years of my health. I have died 3 times and come back by the grace of God.

Looking back on the last 10 years, I started thinking about how it truly did matter how I responded to the trials and joys in my life, not what those trials or joys were. Externally, there is very little I can control. Internally, it is up to me. When I flew off the handle or dove off an emotional cliff, I always suffered the consequences. When I calmed myself within or sought the support of my God, AA group, husband, mother, or friends, I enjoyed the very act of living. Did I learn how to respond best quickly? Of course not. I stumbled. I crawled. I strolled. I ran.

And through it all, I learned how to use my support system and my toolbox.

I experienced the errors of focusing on what happened, and I have basked in the wisdom of changing how I responded to what happened. I still don’t have it correct every time. I find I disappoint myself greatest when I fail. It stinks to know the right way to do something, and yet you don’t do it. And even worse that you don’t know why you didn’t do it.

Why don’t I have it down pat yet? Because I’m not perfect … never will be. But I promise you one thing: I recognize when I’m doing it wrong, and I correct it. That usually includes a lot of asking forgiveness and mending fences. God makes me practice things I haven’t mastered. Proper response is just one of them. I’m grateful for the practice because that’s when I learn the most about myself, others, and life itself. I appreciate the trenches because they make me capable of enjoying the mountains.

Have you gotten better at responding in the best way?