Author Archives: Cheryl D

The Promises

This is my favorite month, because of my sobriety date, Christmas and my physical birthday. During these four years of sobriety, my God has been good to me and I feel Blessed.

When I came to AA, the week after Thanksgiving, I swore then I was never going to have a drink again. I had embarrassed my son in front of his in-laws and felt so ashamed and guilty of how I had behaved, but I am a slow learner. It took two more drunks for me to come in to the program, and the only reason I came in was because I had severe chest pains for two days and I knew if I had another drink I would die.

On my first meeting I came in desperate, scared that Christmas was fast approaching. How was I going to make it? For me it was Get sober or Die.

I had just been laid off from a Preschool Administrator position after 28 years. I did not know how I was going to do economically, and my husband had gone back to El Salvador.

In my first meeting, I heard I needed to get a sponsor, so I paid attention to see who looked like a good fit for me and I asked her at the end of the meeting. At first this person wasn’t sure about taking on someone on their first meeting, but she did and I lucked out. She told me 90/90, and I did. During this time, I started to notice that my short term memory and my mental processing were shot. They would ask me to read, and I did not comprehend what I was reading. They told me it was the sugar and that it would pass, and I have to tell you that after four years it’s gotten better.

One thing that I was able to pick up early on was that there were Promises, and I began to listen to them carefully. This part became my favorite part of the readings, since they gave me a sense of hope when I heard them being read.

The first couple of weeks in sobriety, I learned the Serenity prayer from these rooms. Every time I said it, I felt peaceful, something I had never felt before. I fell in love with the prayer, and I would say it constantly. It had become my mantra.

By the time Christmas came around the obsession had been lifted. I realized that I had experienced the Promise of God doing for me what I couldn’t do for myself, and I had made it through Christmas and New Years without a drink for the first time in 30 years.

Today, The Promises are being fulfilled in my life, sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly. I never knew that this could happen to me. My whole attitude and outlook upon life has changed. Now, I am learning through you, how to surrender the person, places, and things to my God and let him do the work.

I was forced to retire, and now I am living in El Salvador with my husband. I am learning to stand up for my own rights and living within my means. I am not worried about economic insecurity any more. I’m learning to trust that my God has me where I need to be.

“We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.” I am peaceful most of the time, and because of this I worry less about things. A huge load has been lifted. I look back on this whole situation, and there are many times that the old me would have drank. But calling my sponsor and reading your shares on a weekly basis help me keep grounded. I also attend mass daily and pray. What a change!

I am living testimony that the Promises can come to fruition if we work the program. And I feel blessed to be part of GROW.

How are The Promises being fulfilled in your life? You are welcome to share on this or any other topic that is in your heart. Have a Merry and Sober Christmas!

What character defect are you working on today?

Character Defects. Ugh, this is so not what I wanted to pick for a topic this week, but the topic picked me! LOL I have one glaring defect these days. I am too judgmental of others. I noticed it when chatting to my husband recently about other family members. (His family mostly, lol) Now that is certainly nice to notice, but in all fairness to myself they are the ones that live the closest that I interact with the most frequently right now. I just don’t like how I feel after taking their inventory or being critical of how they are choosing to live their lives. I suppose the Thanksgiving holiday played a part in all of it as we drove 500 miles to spend the holiday with a couple of lovely people that drink daily.

I realize now that while that may not have been the best idea, the actual holiday was wonderful. There were 10 of us for dinner, and six of those were twenty-something. It is fun to be around a bunch of kids the ages of my own children and the primary reason I chose to attend. (One of my kids is in Berkeley and the other in N.Y. and I try to see them once a year, but my son had to work and my daughter was in Utah.) At any rate, I noticed that at the end of the day while visiting our family downstate, my husband and I would lie in bed and talk about how blessed we feel not to be drinking on a daily basis. But I also noticed that I was particularly negative. So I thought perhaps it is something that needs to be addressed in myself.

I am becoming more like my Mother as I age and not in a nice way. Those very same character defects that my Mom had, I seem to have as I get older. The difference being, I have the magical tool kit that the Fellowship and my Higher Power have gifted me with. I don’t have to stay in the muck today. I can pray and ask God to remove those character defects (judgmental and negative) from me. Hold on, there is no time like the present. I will be back in a moment after I drop to my knees. What came to mind was the 7th Step Prayer.

The Seventh Step Prayer 
from page 76 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous 

My Creator,

I am now willing that You should have all of me, 
good and bad. 
I pray that You now remove from me 
every single defect of character which stands in the way 
of my usefulness to You and my fellows. 
Grant me strength, as I go out from here, 
to do Your bidding.

Having said a prayer in close proximity to the 7th Step prayer, I went on to ask that my Higher Power continue to keep me pliable. I would prefer to be play dough today and not fired clay rendered hard, dry, and fragile. It is as simple as that for me today.

I used to complicate things in early sobriety and try to figure out and understand exactly what motivated me. It has become easier to trust in the process that AA and the 12 Steps have laid out before me. If I am to have clarity on an issue with self, then my God will give that to me in His time. Those are those very magical and clear as a bell “Ah Hah” moments. Those moments are the golden threads in my tapestry and the pearls that adorn me. My creator gives me gifts each and every day, and for that I am grateful. So for now, I feel better. I have asked that my Higher Power remove my judginess (I made that word up.) and my negativity. Now I must do the footwork, and not gossip about it to others … or feed the stinkin’ thinkin’ from last weeks topic!

For me, character defects remind me of that “whack a mole” game or the movie “Caddy Shack.” I deal with them one by “whacking it back down or blowing it up” or giving it to God, as the case may be. And no sooner have I sat back to catch my breath when another one pops up!

I am never done growing gals. This is a process that lasts my lifetime. Still, I much prefer the sometimes painful growth to the misery I endured while still out in the world trying so desperately to control my drinking. Or as another one of my AA gals has shared with me in years past, character defects are something like the La Brea Tar Pits. The Mammoths and Sloths from the ice age continue to emerge from the primordial ooze as time passes, revealing themselves bit by bit.

So our topic this week is: What Character Defect are you working on today?

Stinkin’ Thinkin’ / Living in the Solution!

I got sober two weeks before Christmas, almost 33 years ago. So, it’s pre-birthday reflection time for me! I love the period coming up to my sobriety date. I never cease to wonder at being given the gift of sobriety, one day at a time from the moment I surrendered to that First Step. I had lost everything, even custody of my child. I had tried for 11 years — as a 19-yr old teenager — to get sober. And I kept relapsing — once after two and a half years.

Today, with a sober mind, I can see why I kept relapsing — I had never surrendered to both parts of our First Step. It’s as simple as that. No mystery. But boy did I complicate it then… I desperately looked for the ‘answer’ — in AA, in spiritual books and retreats, talking with priests, hypnotherapy (ended up dating the hypnotherapist LOL who failed to hypnotize me, by the way), hospitals, psychologists, changing the type of drink … ad infinitum.

Then I spent two and a half years living in white-knuckled sobriety. And finally lifted that first one. It took seven years to get truly sober. The worst stuff happened through those seven years. But it took what it took.

Two fellow alcoholics texted me this morning, each to say they had picked up again. I felt sad and downhearted for them. No one can make me want this program more than I want to drink. I have to *want* sobriety that tiny little bit more than I want to drink — this was how it was for me initially, when I finally did get sober.

I was torn at times, wanting to pick up yet knowing my time was running out. And when stinkin’ thinkin’ took a hold of me in those first years, I found it very hard. Stinkin’ thinkin’ was what the oldtimers in my group called the old ideas that are carried over into sobriety, only to be replaced little by little with new life-giving ones. I was overwhelmed with negativity at times, and creating fantasies so far removed from reality, and the old alcoholic ‘just remembering good times’ thing … so full of that stinkin’ thinkin’ … members would say to me “that’s your alcoholism trying to get you to drink.” That helped a lot — somehow thinking of an ‘enemy’ out there trying to outsmart me took the heat off me, and I wouldn’t give in because it wasn’t a part of *me* … and because if I reckoned that my thoughts weren’t sane ones, it helped not to believe them as gospel!

I’d try out the little tricks I’d been told about — like getting to a meeting, like ringing another alcoholic and sharing what was going on with me, and trusting in the Higher Power that I was now asking for help from. And very often, a strong theme running through my first days was that I’d feel folk were letting me down in one way or another. And my Power has never done that, right up to today. I get all I need, perfect strength, understanding and security from that God of my understanding … stuff that no human can give me.

If I feel I’m being let down, what follows is resentment, anger and self-pity. So, it’s vital for me to not let these things stay. Better still, if I can self-inventory when something happens and see my part in it, and then pray for the other, I’m unlikely to burn up with resentment. I try to respond and think of that other with love. Not easy, and sometimes it takes time. But most of the time if and when I feel let down, it’s an insecurity within me that is demanding too much from someone. And I have to face that and ask for it to be removed.

I practise living in the solution today. Even if I have to *drag* myself into it — like two weeks ago, I had a week of that. It’d been a while since I’d felt so bluesy.

When I lose hope and trust that all is well, it’s a sign I need to pray and meditate, to reach out to another, to get my gratitude levels up again. Get an extra meeting in.

Stinkin’ thinkin’ can pop its ugly head up still and always will. I’m human. But no way like it did before, because today there’s a big shift inside, and I know better. Life is so much easier, even when problems crop up. I can get grateful (list) and turn it around, no matter what it is. I can reach out to someone suffering. I can give it away. I can do Step 10, the spot check inventory. I can get freed up as soon as I recognize the slip in my thinking. And I want to live happy, joyous and free, so I do these things. 🙂

Maybe you’ll share what it was like for you with the baggage of ideas you came into sobriety with? How has it changed over time? What did you find particularly hard and don’t today? I have to say for me it’s the not putting my reliance on another human being but on a Power greater than me. What Bill W talked about — dependency on people as being one of the things he had still clung on to years into sobriety.

How the God of my Understanding has been Working in My Life

I asked to chair the GROW meeting closest to what I have considered my sobriety date. In coming up with a topic, however, I began to take a closer look at my own story and whether the date I chose really reflects my current understanding of how the higher power (I call God) has been working in my life.

Here’s how it went: on July 11, 1999, I had what turned out to be my last drink (of course, it wasn’t just one). I was clueless about what an alcoholic prison I was in; I had no intentions of quitting drinking. But on July 12, for some reason, I didn’t drink. And I haven’t had a drink since.

However, I didn’t come into AA until November 30, 2001. Those 16 months before that date were excruciating – no alcohol and no program. I suffered terribly as a dry drunk, and I hit a bottom lower than any I’d known before. At that particular meeting (I had actually been to a few meetings before that), I found hope, laughter, and a profound sense of belonging. For the first time in my life, I glimpsed an answer to all my suffering. Because that meeting seemed to be the beginning of a new life, I have been celebrating November 30, 2001, as my sobriety date.

For a long time, in AA, I worried that I wasn’t a “real alcoholic.” I was afraid you all would kick me out because my story wasn’t “bad enough.” Somewhere along the line, though, as I have grown in the program and have come to have a new relationship with the God of my understanding, I have accepted my “devastating weakness and all its consequences” (12 & 12, Step One, p. 21). I have been thanking the God I have come to know through AA for leading me to the fellowship in 2001. Now I want to celebrate the date when that power relieved my obsession to drink.

So here’s how I’m looking at my story now: on July 12, 1999, through a power that knew me better than I knew myself, I was reborn as a person who didn’t have to drink. Even though I crawled through the next 16 months, that same power stayed with me, then stood me on my feet and led me to AA school on November 30, 2001. I don’t have to worry about getting good grades in order to graduate – I’m allowed to be in school for the rest of my life! And as a member of GROW, I can attend class anywhere, anytime.

I’d love to hear from all of you about how the God of your understanding has been working in your life – or anything else you might relate to in my share!

Nightly Review Prayer

As the topic for today’s meeting I have chosen the 10th step nightly review prayer which can be found in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, page 86 paragraph 2.

God, help me to constructively review my day. Where was I resentful, dishonest, or afraid? Do I owe an apology? Have I kept something to myself which should be discussed with another person at once?

Though I am sober 31 years and thought I had made progress in a relationship with my only brother, I see now that hurdles exist to keep us from contact, much less closeness.

My brother happens be very wealthy and I badly could use money to pay the bills encountered in senior care, but he is unwilling to help at least for now. As a result, 31 years or not, I am angry and hurt with the not much of an attitude of patience, tolerance and love.

In a fit of anger yesterday I sent him an unkind e-mail; last night I knew I owed an apology, but I was not able to sit down and write one until early this morning. I have since sent it to him.

It truly doesn’t matter whether he sends me money or not; I can’t live with myself if I send an email, make a phone call, or other move berating anyone. I have a powerful AA conscience.

Was I kind and loving toward all? Most days I don’t get angry at anyone; nothing is that important, and I try to look at my part in every situation, an action that allows me to see where I contributed to the problem or I may have even caused it.

What could I have done better? This is not easy to answer, and I may not have one at the moment. But if it happens again I may want to investigate ways for me to act differently.

Was I thinking of myself most of the time? Or thinking of what I could do for others, or what to pack into the stream of life? I think as human beings we think first of ourselves; it is simply survival. Then if I turn my thoughts toward others it shows I am growing up or at least having a better day.

Please forgive me for my harms today and let me know corrective measures I should take. Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. I have heard it said that we are lucky to have this program and that most people could use it. What I think is we forget is that most people, normal people, often do the things we suggest in AA more naturally. But this is not true of all AA members not of all normal people of course.

Personally I feel blessed to have the 12 steps to help me live a more comfortable life.

How about you? Does this prayer play a role in your everyday actions? How has the use of such ideas been a help to you? Please review the prayer and share with us.

Gifts of Early Sobriety

Aloha, Friends. I am so grateful for my sobriety today – some of you know that last week I celebrated 7 years of continuous sobriety. A miracle. I have been reflecting on my early sobriety as I do around this time of year.

I was a garden variety drunk, an everyday, rain or shine drinker. For years, I did not want to drink anymore but somehow always ended up drunk, passed out, often someplace I didn’t belong. I was totally empty inside, trying so hard but always failing at life but trying to make it look good – I could never figure out why everyone else got the instruction book and I was left out.

AA came to me through a “13th step” – an online flare up with an old acquaintance. He was sober (and also involved with another woman in a face–to–face relationship) and so, in an effort to win his heart, I walked into an AA meeting. I was hoping for the at home study program, but I kept going to meetings because that’s what you told me to do. I did many of the things you told me to do. In that first year of sobriety, I started to understand the language of AA, started to understand myself, started to live a life. I went from wanting to die every day to not entirely wanting to die and later on to wanting to live.

In those early days I received many gifts from people in the rooms of AA that continue to guide me:

• I learned to Mind my own business.
• I learned that not every situation needed urgent action from me.
• I was given the gift of being able to help another alcoholic – no matter what my length of sobriety.
• And perhaps the greatest gift: I was given a defense against the first drink.

As time has gone on, one day at a time, I have received many many more gifts: a loving HP, wonderful sponsors, great sober female friends, restored relationships, a home in AA anywhere in the world. All these things make my life rich and wonderful. It is still life, though. At this point, I don’t even feel like I can take credit for any of my sobriety – all this is a gift from my HP. I just show up and do the work.

I would like to hear from you wonderful sober women, what were the greatest gifts you received in early sobriety?

Gratitude

This is my anniversary month, both for sobriety and marriage so I have lots to be grateful for 🙂 It is also gratitude month. When I got sober in November 1979, I didn’t have a clue what gratitude was all about, and just about every meeting we attended was on gratitude. It was amazing to be surrounded by hope and happiness, smiles, and well wishes.

On Thanksgiving Day, the group I got sober in opened the meetings to the families and had food and desert. Then the meeting got underway, and we all drew a number. When that number was called, we got to share what we were grateful for on this special day. For a lot of us, it was that we were still alive and had another chance at living the correct way. From that day on until the celebrations started to slow down in January, I felt like a small bird who had found a nest and was being cared for and loved by a bunch of men and women who wanted nothing but the best for me and were showing me how to give it away to keep it.

That first holiday season was the beginning of a journey, now 36 years in the making, which gave me a life of love and service. As my sponsor used to say, “We came to get, we stay to give and, in the giving, we get – so is the circle of life”

Thanks for being on the journey. Please share what you wish. Something you may have picked up from my ramble or something that is on your mind.

Hope

Hope. It was the ray of light that shone into my darkness of despair; the light that that led me forward into a new life.

Hope was the hands that reached out to me when I was trembling and scared and embraced me in their warmth. These were the hands of my god, the source of the hope that was brought into my life because he cradled me in his hands, he picked me up when I was broken and carried me when I couldn’t carry myself.

I didn’t know if hope before I came to step two. All I knew was the crushing disappointment of yet one more attempt to control my drinking. I thought that I was destined to spend years always trying and failing to be ‘normal.’ I thought that I was a failure that I was weak-willed and lacked control.

I did lack control, but not because I was a weak-willed person but because I am an addict with the disease of addiction kicking. It kicks around in the form of alcoholism, and whilst I have a reprieve from drinking today, I still have the disease. Without my HP whom I choose to call god, it can control me. This is because my poor little brain and emotions cannot deal with the implications and manipulation by themselves; I need my higher power to take this burden from me every day.

I remember when I first had the sense of hope. It was a flicker of a ray — just a thought “Can this really be true? Can ‘god’ really be my answer? ‘Would ‘god’ really be able to fix this? I had just about given up all hope. I guess you could say that the belief in god was my last ditch approach.

I was willing to try anything, and this included believing in something or someone that I wasn’t even sure existed but was hopeful that they did. I hoped that whatever ‘it’ was out there would help me. I was willing to believe in the hope that this concept gave me.

I was extremely dubious at first because, as mentioned before, hope often led to disappointment. I would have false expectations brought on by ‘hope.’ Would this time really be any different? I knew somehow that this was different, because it felt different. It was in my heart.

That sense of hope, however miniscule it was at the time, had caught my heart on fire, and it was starting to burn. I was willing to have hope that someone/something would help me not just with the physical, but with the whole of this disease that whatever this ‘thing’ out there was, would be able to free me from the despair and hell my life had become when I was drinking. It was hope that gave birth to faith.

Having hope meant having a willingness to believe, and this meant to pray. I didn’t know who or what I was praying too, but I was willing to pray. The perception of my HP at the time was very overwhelming and scary. I really had no idea about the concept of how this power greater then myself would be able to help me, but I had to trust. That was a very scary place to be. I started off praying to an entity that felt like a stranger but who is now a friend.

My god is a friend who shows me unconditional love, who guides me as I crawl, walk, run, hop, skip, dance and stumble through recovery and who inspires me with just as much hope as when I first got down on my knees.

There is a line from a Keb Mo song that I like “hand it over, hand it over, get on your knees and pray.” That is exactly what I did. Got down on my knees and prayed; with hope in my heart and fear in my eyes but I did it.

Hope is power. Hope is a healer. It is a chance of new beginnings. Having the willingness to believe in something that could give me a new chance was a gift. It can be a scary place to be though. I liken it to standing on the edge of the cliff and you are teetering on the edge, scared to jump because the unknown of the air is scarier than the ledge that you will land on — and what if you don’t land on it? This is where the hope comes in that wind of faith will catch you as you fall and make you fly.

Having hope was taking the jump. That’s all I needed to do; the rest came as it needed to. On the times when I do start to fall down towards that edge and on the times that I’ve landed: I may be a little bruised and dusty, but I still know how to fly. Because hope taught me to jump and faith taught me to fly.

I would love to hear your experience about hope and what step two means to you.

Let Go and Let God

“Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God’s hands were better than anything we could have planned. Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!” (Page 100 in Big Book of AA)
As I look back over the past 23 months, remarkable things have indeed happened in my life. As I have let go of me being in charge/control, my higher power, who I choose to call God, has performed true miracles in my life. I have to keep reminding myself where I have come from. Today, there is what seems a Mount Everest issue in my life. Despite having seen what my higher power has done, I am still struggling with letting God have it.

I want to control the circumstances. I want to control the outcome. I deserve it … right? You would feel this way if you were me! Feel sorry for me — I didn’t ask for this … I could go and on.

Yet I know he has done miracles and will continue to do so as I choose to let him. So today I am working on letting go of what I want, think, need etc.

Please consider sharing with the group your ESH about letting go and letting God.

Forgiveness

As I mentioned, yesterday was my year anniversary. I haven’t touched alcohol for 365 days, one day at a time. That is pretty amazing to me. I have been at this milestone before, about 6 years ago after being in a 15 month, faith based-inpatient treatment. After graduating that program, I was able to stay sober for another year. I white knuckled it the whole time. I wanted to drink, and struggled with the temptation everyday still. I relapsed, and it just got worse. I still wanted so badly to be sober, but just couldn’t deal with life on life’s terms.

I was a chronic relapser. I could stay sober for months and then something would happen, mostly a circumstance out of my control, and I would just lose it. I finally went back to treatment on October 14, 2014 to a different place that only focused on AA. This time, was completely different. It was technically my 5th time in treatment (I went to a 30 day one three times previous to the 15 month one). But this time, I had a revelation. After doing my 3rd step prayer with a staff member, I felt it. Free. Free of control and having to carry the load of everything. I didn’t HAVE to control things anymore!!!! It was the most exhilarating experience I have ever felt.

Since then, I battle the control demon every day still, but I am able to do it in a much more controlled manner. I have realized that circumstances of life are all about how we react to them. They don’t have to make or break someone. They certainly don’t control my sobriety. My higher power, who I call God, helps me figure out what to do, and I just do what is right in front of me, for that day.

I have had a hard year of circumstances, but I am thankful for them. I learned a lot through the good and the bad. However I had something happen yesterday that rocked my world a little. I had a friend from treatment who accused me of lying about my sobriety on my Facebook page. I was just shocked and so deeply hurt. She has not had a year of sobriety, and I know it is all from jealousy. But it really hurt. I was very angry, and fantasies of numbing and drinking the pain went through my head. How insane is that??? I quickly realized that I was letting it really get to me, and I have now started praying for her – even if it isn’t the easiest thing to do.

SO that is my topic. How do you deal with people/circumstances that really upset/anger you??? I am really looking forward to your shares, as I know I will learn something from each one.

Don’t Drink No Matter What

When I first came into the program, Sept. 30, 1992 … it happen to be on a Wednesday (just like this year) and it happen to be a celebration meeting. A friend of the family was celebrating, I hadn’t even known that he finally got sober!! What an HP shot that was. He thought I was there to support him, I told him it was my first meeting, and he welcomed me, introduced me to some ladies, and was a big part of my recovery. He suggested I find a sponsor right away … a woman that had what I wanted.

I found one within a couple weeks or less, I believe. She told me this is a simple program for complicated minds so she’s gonna KISS (keep it simple silly) … don’t pick up the first drink no matter what … you call me first … go to meetings and we will start the steps.

Hmmm. Don’t pick up no matter what … well, my sisters … as some of the long-timers here know me … I’ve been through the ringer in sobriety … 23 years … I’ve been in accidents, surgeries, losses of my father and other friends, health issues galore … bed bound, house bound, able bodied to house bound again and this list could go on … but one thing I knew during it all … and despite on a few occasions of thinking, “I want a drink” … Yes, I said it, I did NOT pick up no matter what!!

I am not immune to this disease. I have 23 years of tools, sobriety, ESH, some sanity, smiles … however, I only have today. I am only guaranteed 24 hours depending on the condition of my spirituality. That means, for this alkie, I need to go to meetings, work the steps in my life daily, work them formally every few years, call my sponsor once a week or more if needed, and be of service … only then might I have a chance at not drinking today. Dependent on my spiritual conditioning … I have not always handled everything gracefully; however, I have not picked up a drink. I have had times of emotional and spiritual relapses and slips … I have not picked up a drink no matter what!

Currently, I am going through testing for more health issues, as I shared earlier, I have a service dog of 13 years that is up and down with her failing health and a few other things … however … I don’t pick up no matter what … If the thought crosses my mind (as it did when I thought I had to put Haylee down … and there is going to come a time … sooner hopefully later that this will have to happen) I call my sponsor, my network, I share about it, I pray about it, I turn it over as many times as I need to … .I just don’t act on it … I think it through and I stop the thought! I don’t pick up no matter what …

So, I hope that made sense … please share on what you might do to take care of your sobriety today and Not Pick Up No Matter What … .or anything else on your heart today …

Replacing Old Ideas

My favorite thing to do when I am to take the lead in any meeting, general topic, is to take my Big Book off the shelf and open it to a page. Read a little bit and come up with a topic. I have to laugh … I opened to page 414 and that could be because it’s my favorite story and part of the book I read often.

The first paragraph on the page …

“I was locked up. One has to be pretty sick to do that, and perhaps one has to be even sicker to come back every day for a new list, as she did. (Today we don’t have to live that way. Max still works with me in the office, but we have turned our wills and our lives and our work over to the care of God. Each with the other as a witness, we took the Third Step out loud-just as it says in the Big Book. And life keeps getting simpler and easier as we try to reverse my old idea, by taking care of the internal environment via the Twelve steps, and letting the external environment take care of itself.)”

Yep … A great reminder for this alcoholic. Today my life seems simple and easy when I remember that I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to my higher power. The problem isn’t the outside world but from within me. Life may present its challenges, but I have a choice in how I view them. Are they problems? No. They are challenges for a moment, but thanks to this program, my mind goes from “challenge” to “opportunity for growth.” (Someone in one of online meetings mentioned “challenges” the other day and I just loved it. Kind of like a middle ground between problems and opportunities for growth.)

When I “reverse my old idea” and draw upon all that I have learned via the program, the steps, and the fellowship. When I remember to take action to deal with me and my thinking … When I don’t know what action to take and turn it ALL over, life is EASIER.

So ladies, please feel take what you want from this lead and share your ESH. Or whatever may be on your mind.

Have You Found What You Want?

I heard this topic at a meeting recently. In How It Works it says, “If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it …” What is it that you want? Have you found what you want?

When I went to my first meeting, all I wanted was to quit drinking. I had been drinking daily for 15 years, and it was getting worse. I didn’t eat well, I was a heavy smoker, my health was deteriorating, and my spirit was very close to dead. I heard in almost every share that you drank like I did, and you had found a way to stop. I really wanted that. When people talked about how wonderful their lives were and how much they had gained, I had no idea what that meant. But when they claimed they were neutral to alcohol, I paid attention. The same thing was said all the time: “Come to 90 meetings in 90 days, read the Big Book, pray, get a sponsor, and work steps.”

I took the advice and got what I wanted: I don’t drink, and I don’t fight it. I do now understand how much the 12 steps have to offer, and I have been blessed beyond what I could have asked for. That is probably the key for me, beyond what I could have asked for. God had a much bigger and much better plan, so I continue to seek and pray for God’s direction.

Living Life on Life’s Terms – Sober

It is such a pleasure to lead this week’s discussion. I will be sober 9 months on the 15th and am dealing with many of life’s “firsts”. The Christmas holidays (last year), my birthday right after Christmas, New Years, all the other holidays until now. Dealing with stress on the job or in the home without picking up a drink- it was always how I coped with life. Drinking was a good friend who was always there.

Yesterday I attended the funeral of a very good friend’s mother, and this was another first- I didn’t drink after the funeral. Any other funeral always had a bottle of something that helped me to relax after. When my dad died last year, I was with him for the month prior to him passing from “the big C” as he called it. During that month, I drank like a fish every day. I can say now that even though I was there, I wasn’t really present. I was numb. I drank very heavily after he passed and continued to numb the sensation of the loss with alcohol. It’s all I knew, drinking was always my coping mechanism.

Yesterday, I was in the moment and felt the pain and compassion for the family of this dear person – and it was fine! I wasn’t overcome with grief, and I wasn’t obnoxious (drinking would do that to me). I was able to comfort the family and be there for them – 100%.

I know this program provides the strength to handle life on life’s terms. Saying the Serenity Prayer and praying for others – not just for myself – gives me the strength I need to make it through each day. Going to meetings regularly and working with my sponsor helps me to stay sober for another 24, even when life throws a curveball.

Please take a moment and share with our sisters how you are coping with the difficulties of life as they rear their ugly heads. How do you do it? What keeps you going when you’re faced with adversity and how you’re able to manage life on life’s terms.

Page 417 from the Big Book states, “Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept my life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.”

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

I’d like to suggest that we talk about the Big Book and how it has influenced/affected our recovery. I feel fortunate that when I first came into AA, I attended several meetings that emphasized the Big Book and the Steps (the core of the Program for me). Some of my favorite meetings have been Big Book meetings where we read and share through the entire Big Book, including the stories at the back. My favorite passage in the Big Book is “How It Works” (Ch 5). At the very first AA meeting I attended (I was there because I was trying to learn how to live with the people in my life who were drinking WAY too much!!!), I was asked to read that passage. My response as I looked at the two page document was, “The whole thing?” I read it and was deeply touched and moved and saw how MUCH I fit into the description of the alcoholic and felt hopeful as I read about what it takes to achieve and maintain sobriety. Almost immediately after I finished reading that passage, the Chairperson asked if there was anyone attending their very first AA meeting. I was able to raise my hand and say, “I’m Susan, and I’m an alcoholic.” And, that began my journey in sobriety.

Please share on how the Big Book has affected your sobriety / recovery … or whatever is on your mind/heart at this time. Thanks for participating.

Accepting Our Present Circumstances

January 12th Daily Reflection: “Our very first problem is to accept our present circumstances as they are and the people about us as they are.” When I am having a difficult time accepting people, places or events, I need to remember this reading.

When I first entered the rooms and got a sponsor I heard a few keys things … just because I have quit drinking and have started the steps, I will try to walk the AA path. The serenity prayer took some time to really sink in, but as I recited it over and over, sometimes when I was so troubled, I realized life wasn’t going to be stress free. People were not going to necessarily change. I was the one that had to change and accept people’s behavior. I had to meet life on life’s terms.

Early in sobriety my sponsor said, “Why do alcoholics think every day has to be a good day?” Accept it is not a good day, don’t stay there long and start my day over anytime.

I know the rule: pray for the person for two weeks. How has that been for you gals? I am glad to be on this journey, sober. When I see unhealthy people around me that think being that way is ok, it is not up to me to take their inventory. I am to do the next right thing and keep my side of the street clean.

I need to remember nothing happens in God’s kingdom by accident. I need to Pause and Be Still. What is God teaching me, even if I don’t see it when I think I should see it …

This was a difficult topic for me this week, but will eagerly wait your shares!

Amends

My God has a real sense of humor and allowed me to receive the blessing of my last of my amends to be resolved. When I was two years sober I went back to Canada with the hope of resolving some issues. The final and hardest being amends to my youngest son. I sat across the table from him in his home and tried with all my heart to clear my side of the street. It was increasingly obvious that he wanted no part of this at all. He sat there drinking and smoking dope defiantly, starting straight at me as if daring me to do or say something in anger. I managed to pause and practiced restraint and I walked out saying I love you and I always will. I came back to Florida and for many years had no idea where he was. In 1991 my mother and I went to visit with him and my grandchildren and he was so abusive to us we left. I have not seen him since then. In 1997 I got a phone call and some members on here will remember sitting in a chat room with me while I waited through the night to see if he was going to live after someone had cut his throat. Then again years with no knowledge of where he was.

About 3 years ago I got a Xmas card, then a Mothers’ day card and a birthday card and so on. My birthday was a couple of weeks ago and a day or so afterwards I got a card in the mail from him with a beautiful written note and a phone number. I was so excited I could hardly contain myself. Of course no restraint I tried to call him that very day but there was no answer. The next day I tried again and he answered and I felt that the weight of the world had been lifted from my heart. We talked for an hour and a half and I didn’t even know it had been that long. My husband told me. We talked about everything including spirituality, which absolutely blew me away.

It was a long time coming. 33 years but I finally have my son back in my life and I am so grateful to the God of my mis-understanding for bringing him back to me.

Please let us know some of your joys and your hardships with amends or share with us whatever is on your mind.

Quieting Ourselves

As Bill Sees It:

“58 Righteous Indignation

“The positive value of righteous indignation is theoretical — especially for alcoholics. It leaves every one of us open to the rationalization that we may be as angry as we like provided we claim to be righteous about it.

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“When we harbored grudged and planned revenge for defeats, we were really beating ourselves with the club of anger we had intended to use on others. We learned that if we were seriously disturbed, our very first need was to quiet that disturbance, regardless of who or what we thought caused it.”

1. Letter, 1954
2. Twelve and Twelve, pp.48-49

I picked this reading because, as much as I’d love to have picked a ‘happy joyous and free’ theme, I’m afraid I’ve come across some ugly self-rationalization and self-justification going on lately. Throw in some ‘justifiable anger,’ and you got a whole explosive dangerous emotional cocktail.

I did a mini step 4 (or more like a much needed step 10 but using the step 4 columns from the Big Book) and then shared it with another sober lady. And there it was: indignation (how dare they), distrust, control, manipulation, neediness and my old-time favorite, bearing grudges… sigh [ugly I know…].

Anyway, I could see I was setting myself towards another dry drunk bender or scary enough, a drink. I realized the only way forward is to pray and forgive. That’s when I said to the other lady: “I don’t know what to do … but I do need to be quiet right now.”

When I am disturbed, I can’t see the wood from the trees. I need that quieting. Just maybe a moment of still within. And I know then I’ll be able to see the light in the forest. Or at least have hope there’s a way out.

How do you find the quiet or the serenity, or whatever you like to call it, within the storm? How do you deal with indignation (righteous or not!)? What do you do to find the stillness?

Please feel free to share on this or anything else relating to recovery from alcoholism.

What does it mean to be sober?

I recently heard someone who was sober in AA question whether he was really sober. He had relapsed on medication. Although he stopped the meds and still wasn’t drinking, he was smoking cigarettes. And eating when he was upset. And losing his temper. Is that sobriety, he wondered?

I left that meeting a bit rattled. Fortunately I’ve been listening to you all long enough understand that I am on a journey. There is no graduation from AA. And there is no test to qualify! I get to decide that I am an alcoholic. I also get to decide what my sobriety looks like.

As I reflect on my 24 month journey, I recognize that I have grown in my sobriety.

This past weekend I was given the opportunity to see just how far this program of action has taken me. My boyfriend’s extended family was in town. I haven’t seen most of them in years because, in the past, I would have avoided them. Then, I would have sulked and complained that they didn’t like me.

Instead, I made boundaries so that I had time with family and time to myself. I accepted them as they are instead of making up stories about what they were REALLY thinking. Guess what? My resentments against my boyfriend’s family are gone. None of this would have been possible without my HP and my sobriety.

So, today I’d like to ask: What does it mean to you to be sober? How has your definition of sobriety changed over time? How can you tell if you are progressing or regressing in your sobriety?

I’m excited to hear what you have to share on this or any other topic that has your attention this week. I feel real gratitude and love for this community we have.

Denial

I have the disease of addiction. It makes me an alcoholic – an addict. And it means denial is second nature to me.

Today my higher power and I are celebrating 23 years of continuous recovery, walking together in sobriety through rough times and ready times, and times when change has come upon me ready or not.

The disease of addiction has meant that I have needed to navigate through many incidences of denial over the years. My recovery is contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition and for me there can be only one higher power.

Time and again I have discovered an addictive behaviour that gets in the way of my usefulness to God and to others. A behaviour that has no business being in my attempts to do God’s will.

Non prescription drugs, cigarettes, coffee, work, excessive pride, toxic relationships, prescription drugs, sugar. Some things were stopped when I got sober or before, and some later in recovery. All substances or things I had turned to with the same justifications, all with the same levels of denial. All with the same goal, to get me out of the present moment and make me feel different. Behaviours that needed to be discovered and addressed through surrender. But only once I realised they were a problem. Only when I became ready for change could I even begin the process.

The paradox of denial has meant that I genuinely couldn’t see the truth of my situation or feelings. So how could I undertake change before it hurt enough, or even make sense of what was going on without those vital facts?

If I’m lucky I might have had a vague sense that I need to pray for clarity, but as I mentioned, the paradox of denial is that I genuinely don’t know what I don’t know. This means most of the time I haven’t even realised I needed to ask for clarity. I’ve just gone along, doing what I am doing, thinking I’ve got it right and then noticing I can’t seem to get results, feeling that something seems out of balance, that there is a gap between me and God and struggling to find my footing.

Just like when I was drinking and in active denial, when I could not see my addiction, and without all the facts, I sought to understand my unhappiness and less than impressive results. I thought the reason had to be something else. I sought to blame and looked outside of myself for understanding.

With alcohol, I suspected it might be others in the household for not supporting my efforts to stop, I thought the alcohol industry had a hand in it for selling alcohol. I believed my family of origin had a hand in it for not teaching me a better way of living, I blamed my lousy will power, I even justified my excessive consumption by explaining people’s varying rates of metabolism. The list was endless. Too busy, don’t care enough, not safe, sick of failing, wrong climate, etc etc. I was so very busy “doing”, instead of “being.” I considered everything but the truth, I was an alcoholic. I couldn’t consider this truth because a major symptom in the disease of addiction is denial. My inner addict wanted me busy “doing,” so there was no time for “being.”

The stopping of other addictive behaviours have followed similar lines.

Today I hope I am truly willing to embrace self honesty as best as I can. That means continuing to seek regardless of how I think I’m doing.

If I do this, I trust the ah hah moments that have truly moved me forward on my journey will continue. I have to watch for anything that might be pre-occupying me, it could be another addictive distraction because the addict within is expert at deceiving me.

But with the knowledge I now have about my disease of addiction, I can look at my denial around drinking and make sure that I don’t look for reasons where there are none. If I have thoughts about picking up it is because I am an alcoholic. If I actually do pick up, it is because I am an alcoholic. Being addicted to alcohol is the reason why, not any of those other things outside of that.

Accepting this is important to me because it means I can make change from a place of honesty. It means that ok, the whole thing starts and stops with my addiction so what do I need to do to take full responsibility for managing this?

First of all, I surrender to the fact that the disease of addiction can only be arrested one day at a time, by living in the moment, and allowing a power greater than me to do exactly that … Be greater than me.

Secondly, in addition to letting go and letting God, there is leg work. My leg work includes maintaining my commitment to self honesty. It means continuing to be open minded regardless of whether I think and feel I have made the best or even the only choice. To seek! To assume that despite compelling evidence, the denial component of this disease could well be hiding reality from me.

These are “being” things. My recovery also includes planning, service work, meetings, and other practical strategies which are “doing” things. In and of themselves, while they are important, I need to remember they are “doing” things, so that I can watch out for pre-occupation of a different kind, obsession, pride, perfectionism and really all my character defects given enough time. It is possible for my denial to make a play for my serenity if I let myself become too busy “doing” without the balance of “being”, even doing what is suggested in recovery.

Living by the principles of this program, handing over to God with all my heart and understanding every day. These are not options or choices. They are the first and only line of defence for a disease that tells me I don’t have a disease. I am so grateful that the pain of my reality became so great that it broke through my denial around my alcoholism, because it meant I could escape the hell I was living in.

Every day I am abstinent is a miracle. Each and every moment is cause for celebration and thanks. Perhaps my disease will tell me I have failed if I am marking my time in minutes, or celebrating 24 hours instead of 24 weeks or years. I’m not listening. Every second, every minute that I name this addiction and claim abstinence is a victory. Let me shout it from the roof tops. Did you hear? I’m an alcoholic, and in this moment I have broken through my denial to call it by name. Today it has no power over me.

I would love to hear how you navigate through life in respect to denial. What is your understanding of denial? How has it sabotaged you in active addiction? What tricks has it got up to in recovery? When has it left you shaking your head and smiling ruefully after the truth finally emerged? Please feel free to share on this recovery focus or anything else that might arise for you after “attending” the opening of this week’s meeting.

I Am An Alcoholic

“I am an alcoholic” … those simple words have such a profound effect. It has been several months since I shared, and I cannot truly describe the feeling I have right now. These cyber rooms have been such a powerful part of my sobriety, and yet I wandered away so easily.

I came to AA in 1998 after a short stay in a mental hospital … in there I died spiritually. It was a very dark time in my life. At that time, I was a mother of four lovely daughters, and they were only in 5th, 4th, 2nd, and 1st grades at that time. My life was consumed in a very toxic marriage and trying to find acceptance in a world that seemed so foreign to me. I truly felt all would be better off without me.

I found myself in the rooms of AA, and it was painful hearing the Promises in those early years because God hated me because I truly felt I was a mistake. Yet you encouraged me to stay and find a God of my own understanding, and I did … in my ladies. I was determined to get better for them … they became my higher power in those early years. I would wear armor when I was with them and when I stepped through the threshold of AA, that armor would fall to the side and I became teachable. Step by step, I was able to find a higher power that brought meaning back into my life.

I saw how I put people, places, and things in the position of God. I saw how I took on the position of God myself … trying to make things be the way I wanted things to be. Slowly but surely, I left AA after my 7th year because I started to see the differences. It took another alcoholic to give me the gift of desperation to truly see I wasn’t different. When my daughter found herself in the rooms of AA, I found myself back there, too. I found GROW at that time, too.

To say I grew a lot would be an understatement. The fellowship and service work in AA and Al-anon truly brought meaning to my life … just what the promises say would happen … “We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which use to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.”

I divorced my husband and commenced on that new life accepting life on life’s terms and embracing it fully. I have gone through a lot since coming back to the rooms of AA; however, I am so very grateful for it.

So where is the topic of this week? Well, for the last three months, I found myself in a relationship. Slowly but surely, I found myself wandering away from AA again … the very thing that saved me from a life that was void of “life.” I found myself in fear quite honestly; however, it is that “fear” that I saw the steps, traditions, and concepts of AA working. That “fear” was awareness of the slippery path I was on, embraced it, and I expressed my needs. Something I would not do and yet something I must do … I do not have another drink in me.

My partner in life is understanding of my need to work my program – for which I am grateful – and supports me – by which I am humbled. That need reminds me of the importance to keep the perspective of remaining spiritually fit, taking care of myself so that I may be there for my partner.

I am truly blessed being an alcoholic. I would not be where I am today without AA and Al-anon. I was given a second chance at life that cannot be taken for granted.

No matter how long you have been in this program, we are all the same … it is a day at a time.

As it says on page 85 of the Big Book, “What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities.” I cannot forget from where I came, so when I say the words “My name is Tanya, and I am an alcoholic …” I am truly a grateful alcoholic.

Please share your experience, your strength, and your hope on what it means when you say “I am an alcoholic.”

No Price Tag

The joy of living is the theme of AA’s 12th step and action is the principle behind it. This concept helps us to experience the kind of giving that asks no rewards, and here we can practice all of the 12 steps in the 12 steps we use in our daily lives we seek to change; we see the kind of love that has no price tag on it.

By reaching out the hand of AA when it is asked for, we find that we are no longer isolated and alone in a self-contained prison, that we are no longer square pegs in round holes but can fit and belong in every part of HIS scheme of things.

This step claims that true ambition is not what we thought: it is to live usefully and walk with humility, all under the grace of God. When life isn’t going the way I want it to, I try every time to pick up the phone so I can learn how another alcoholic is faring, to offer my assistance, to meditate and pray to God eagerly.

As it says on p. 124, I can understand that “true leadership is being an example, and has nothing to do with power and glory. Step 12 is a joyful look at how our lives can turn around and we can be content with what we have and not want more; it is the culmination the God-directed program given us by Bill and Bob.”

Please read pages 107 and 124 in the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, New York, third edition, 1959, and share with us your experience with Step 12.

Finding Serenity

My topic for this week is serenity. I want it. ALL the time! ☺ Serenity now!!! When I was in treatment for 30 days, this last time 9 months ago (but fifth time overall), I found serenity – for the first time in my 35 years. I really felt the heaviness of all of my burdens come off of my soul after I did my third step and REALLY gave God control of my life. I literally can tell you the day that I felt serenity for the first time. I found it even more after step four and five. I believe everyone should take their own inventory, recognize their part in some of past hurts and resentments, and heal from them.

There are so many different struggles for my family and I right now – things that normally would send me over the edge, but with the tools and support I have I am able to go on. I wonder if it is a coincidence that I was tempted to drink very badly on my 9-month anniversary yesterday. I had a few bad things happen and for the first time in 8 months, I thought about having a drink. Until then, I had been totally disgusted with even the thought. Today, I am so incredibly grateful that I woke up sober and made it through a very hard week. I can do this with God’s help and AA.

I pray for serenity and peace everyday now, but some days are so much harder than others and I lose that sense of peace, and it takes a while to get it back. I have come up with a term for what I need every now and then to make sure I get it back. It’s called DETACH and RE-CHARGE. Or D&R for short. I need to go somewhere and get away from people, pray/meditate, and be still for at least 15 minutes. It helps me TREMENDOUSLY!!!

In the promises, the Big Book says, “We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 83)

What are some of the ways that you all find your serenity??? How do you bring it back when life is tossing waves at you??

How We Respond

“What happens to us is not as important as how we respond.”

July 1st, I reached 10 years in sobriety. On one hand, it seems impossible. and yet on the other I have felt every day go by. I’m very proud of myself for maintaining sobriety through the worst years of my health. I have died 3 times and come back by the grace of God.

Looking back on the last 10 years, I started thinking about how it truly did matter how I responded to the trials and joys in my life, not what those trials or joys were. Externally, there is very little I can control. Internally, it is up to me. When I flew off the handle or dove off an emotional cliff, I always suffered the consequences. When I calmed myself within or sought the support of my God, AA group, husband, mother, or friends, I enjoyed the very act of living. Did I learn how to respond best quickly? Of course not. I stumbled. I crawled. I strolled. I ran.

And through it all, I learned how to use my support system and my toolbox.

I experienced the errors of focusing on what happened, and I have basked in the wisdom of changing how I responded to what happened. I still don’t have it correct every time. I find I disappoint myself greatest when I fail. It stinks to know the right way to do something, and yet you don’t do it. And even worse that you don’t know why you didn’t do it.

Why don’t I have it down pat yet? Because I’m not perfect … never will be. But I promise you one thing: I recognize when I’m doing it wrong, and I correct it. That usually includes a lot of asking forgiveness and mending fences. God makes me practice things I haven’t mastered. Proper response is just one of them. I’m grateful for the practice because that’s when I learn the most about myself, others, and life itself. I appreciate the trenches because they make me capable of enjoying the mountains.

Have you gotten better at responding in the best way?

Willing To Go To Any Lengths?

Especially in your beginning in AA, were you willing to go to any lengths to get sober? And if so, what were the things you did such as: lots of meetings (90 in 90), get a sponsor and keep in touch with her by email and or phone? Did you do daily readings, find a quiet time to do those readings and try to get the best you could from those readings. Did you ask God for help (when you came to believe) and thank Him at night for your sobriety. What did you feel was and is the most important thing you do each day to stay sober?

Or if you choose share on something else that is on your mind.

Road to Recovery

“Autobiography in Five Short Chapters”

Chapter 1: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I PRETEND I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in this same place, But it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. It see it is there. I still fall in. It’s a habit, but my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter 4: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Chapter 5: I walk down a different street.

This reading reminds me of the definition of Insanity by Albert Einstein: “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. Like -how many times did I tell myself after a day/night of heavy drinking and subsequent horrible hangover that I would never do that again? How many times did I make a promise to my God that if He got me out of the mess I had gotten myself into that I would never get drunk again? Too numerous to mention and I couldn’t keep the promises I made. I would justify my drinking by telling myself that if s/he hadn’t said or done that, or if you had my problems you’d drink too, etc. I would berate myself for doing this repeatedly and wondered why I couldn’t get off the treadmill of doing the same things over and over again.

That hole in the sidewalk (alcohol) removed my feelings of self-worth and self-esteem and left me feeling useless, worthless, less than and a person who even I wouldn’t want to be around. When I became sick and tired of doing this, I prayed and cried out or help to my God to show me a better way to live my life.

My prayer was answered when a co-worker friend of mine with 9 years of sobriety saw the pain I was in and took me to my first meeting. I was relieved to learn that I wasn’t a bad person trying to be good, but a sick person trying to get well. This made so much sense to me that I admitted I was an alcoholic and that my life was unmanageable. At first, I choked on the word, alcoholic, until I learned about your struggle with this disease and it was pretty much the same as mine. For the first time in my life, I finally fit in with a group – a group of alcoholics who got sober and helped others to get sober by sharing their ESH.

What havoc is/was that ‘hole in the sidewalk’ playing in your life? What or who helped to get you onto the Road to Recovery?

I’ll be interested in reading your shares on this subject or on anything else that is happening in your life that you’d like to share with us.

Thank you for being along with me as I ‘Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny'(Chapter 5) and for your sobriety and mine.

Resentments and Forgiveness

Hello everyone! I was asked by our Weekly Leader Listkeeper if I could step in to chair this week. After I said “yes,” I realized that this is the week of my sister’s birthday. She has chosen to not speak to or contact me since 1991. The reasons are multiple; I created and fanned some of them and some I did not. I have made 3 amends for my part in this situation.

What I have realized for the past few years, with the help of my sponsors and other AA folk, is that…

It doesn’t matter what my sister does or doesn’t do about the fact that I’m her sister. As one dear friend said about something else recently, “she isn’t doing anything TO me, she is just doing.”

It has taken me a loooonnnngggg time to come to this place of (mostly) quiet acceptance. And it has taken a long time for me to be uncomfortable enough when the self-righteous anger flairs up to quickly turn that moment into an opportunity to pray for her emotional and physical health. In fact, this whole “situation” has become a guide for me to assess where I am today in terms of acceptance.

I so wanted to be justified in my anger. I wanted to hold on to that anger, and the Big Book tells me that nursing anger will get me drunk. The Steps take me through the process of seeing my part in the situation, identifying my traits (character defects) that contribute to my part, turning those over for change to HP, then going forth and trying to right the wrongs I created. The story, Acceptance was the answer, tells me about the process of accepting the other person. The story, Freedom from Bondage, tells me about a tool (prayer for the person who I resent, asking for everything I want for myself to be given to the other person). And the book, 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, talks about the process of forgiveness in terms of the steps. So this process has taught me a lot:

• I have had to learn how to enact forgiveness
• I have had to learn how to pray for someone even when I don’t want to
• I have learned how to hand over – sometimes one minute at a time – another person to my Higher Power because I am not entitled to judge the state of anyone else’s life
• I must work the steps of AA to stay sober and to stay alive, and the most effective way to do this work is to let go of my expectations of others
• I must not expect perfection from me, and therefore I must not expect perfection from others.
• That when I live in the answer, the problem goes away (see Acceptance was the Answer for what I’m paraphrasing here).

Today, I feel a little melancholy that my sister isn’t in my life – and I needed to write that so I can ask HP to help me not slide into martyrdom and victimhood. And since the 16th is her birthday, I think prayers for joy and happiness for her are in order.

I would love to hear where you are with acceptance and forgiveness and how these states play out in your recovery. And if you don’t want to share about that, I hope you’ll share about where you are right now.

Keeping My Peace

What challenges or situations may threaten your peacefulness, and what do you do so that you can get it back? What are the “tools” you use to get back into balance? How do you use our Program to remain at peace and remain in balance?

Here is how I take on challenges and keep the peace:

1. I acknowledge that LIFE just keeps happening – – -no matter what I do about it! It’s up to me how I respond to it.
2. I accept what is instead of resisting what is placed before me;
3. I trust that WHATEVER is placed before me is what my God wants me to take a look at, go through it, and experience the lesson;
4. I have TOTAL trust in my Higher Power;
5. I look at EVERYTHING as an “opportunity for growth” instead of as a “problem”; and
6. I know today that EVERYTHING passes and I will never experience this moment again and what it holds for me.

IT WORKS WHEN I WORK IT and doesn’t when I don’t!!!

I look forward to hearing how you keep the peace in your life!

God Consciousness OR The Step You Are On Today

I have been listening to Joe and Charlie’s Big Book Study while driving in my car lately. (I found it on my Podcast App for those of you who have the ability to do that sort of thing.) We have 12 Steps that help us navigate closer to a God of our understanding. My concept of God tends to be a Higher Power outside of myself. Maybe some of that has to do with organized religion, Im not sure, but that doesnt really matter other than to provide you with a little background on how I think. Maybe it is because so many of us go to church to pray …

I was reminded while listening to Joe and Charlie that the solution to my alcoholism lies within me, for the simple fact that my God dwells within me. The solution to my drinking problem is inside me, and I have been carrying it around all this time! It is my job to get all of the stuff cleared away so that I may realize that the power is there. I blocked myself from the Sunlight of the Spirit with my character defects, fears, booze, etc., and the work of the 12 Steps enabled me to clean house so that God’s light could shine from within.

Slowly I found a sort of God consciousness. An awareness of a Power greater than myself that was steering my course … I tested my Higher Power plenty during the journey of these sober years. I have been blessed to have lived. After all, I like to drive the bus, be in charge, organize, categorize, control etc. But in the end, I have found that depletes my energy, and it really is easier to let life unfold and trust that my Higher Power has the best plan, route, etc. I began my day by looking at myself in the mirror and saying the 3rd Step Prayer in the mirror to myself and to salute the God within. It’s getting easier day by day. Sometimes it is hard to look myself in the eye, but I do it anyway.

If God dwells within each of us, you and I have all the knowledge and all the power to handle anything that might come up in the future provided we know how to tap into that knowledge and power. I have gotten to this place in my relationship with my Higher Power through prayer and meditation; talking to God and listening. The last 3 Steps are the ones that I use on a daily basis now. They have become habit, sort of like brushing my teeth or bathing. It is a spiritual cleanse for me on a daily basis. I have had to practice this stuff, ladies. It is easier to know intuitively how to handle situations now. That has been one of the benefits. Learning to trust myself too … all of this change in me has come about by trial and error. Lots of error, ladies, that is how I learn best. So, you gals taught me that making mistakes is part of learning how to GROW.

One of the fundamental ideas that I hung on to is that this spiritual growth stuff is a process. I like the passage about being rocketed into the 4th Dimension (page 25 of the BB), but it is not something that happens over night for most of us. (It did not for me anyway.) My spiritual growth has been of the educational variety, and like the tortoise, a slow and mostly steady race, if one can even consider it a race. I suppose in the beginning, I was in a bit of a hurry to grasp enough of the AA tenants or teachings so that I would not drink again, but over time I just kept coming back and listening to the best of my ability.

At about 10 years sober while reworking the Steps, I had a rocket ride with my Higher Power. There is no end to how far we can GROW in sobriety. I continue to evolve, change and grow. Sometimes it is painful, and that’s OK too. The answers to all of my problems today are right inside of me! Who would have thought? I am so used to looking elsewhere for answers.

As a child I would cheat on tests sometimes and glance at your paper … I would pick up a book and try and find the answer too! But what I am trying to share is that I spent much of my life looking for my answers on the outside, and it was a pleasant and sometimes painful experience to find them on the inside of Alison! I love this program and how it works. I learned some years back in an AA meeting that every answer I need lies in the actual seeking for it. The process of seeking my Higher Power’s Will regarding any given person, place, or thing will ALWAYS give me my answer. (Note: I may not always like the answer or solution, but I do receive it 100% of the time if I engage with a God of my understanding.)

There are plenty of tools to help me look inside of myself. The work of the 12 Steps are a transformative process and in the end I find myself wearing a new pair of glasses, and the world and those in it look very different to me now. Suffice it to say, Life is beautiful even when it is a load of lemons.

As many of you gals are new and not yet working Step 11, I ask you to share on what Step you are working on today.

Pause When Agitated

On Wednesdays, I go to a Big Book study meeting. It’s been really helpful for me to listen as we read out loud for about 20 minutes, and then we have a discussion on the reading. Last week we were reading the chapter “Into Action.” This is the part that really struck me:

As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day “Thy will be done.” We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self- pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.
Alcoholics Anonymous, page 87

Pause when agitated. Seriously? I actually spoke up and asked if anyone really does that. {They do}. My mode of operation my whole life, is to go from zero to ten in a fit of rage. I’m not really proud of that. The thought of pausing seemed/seems impossible. My sponsor says that, God (or the universe) gives opportunity after opportunity to work on our behaviors.

AND Of course, the next day I got to practice PAUSE. What I realized is that before my emotional explosion, there is a brief period of irritation. I never recognized that before. Truthfully, the idea of pausing and praying was not something that I had any desire to do. BUT … when I always do what I have always done, I get what I have always gotten. That’s insane. So I paused and asked my higher power for help. I didn’t explode. It wasn’t perfect or even pretty but I did it. That got me going back to the literature to read again.

The next line says, we constantly remind ourselves. Seriously? I texted my sponsor and asked her if people really do that–pause. Does she do that? — pause?–constantly remind herself she’s not running the show? – many times each day? She replied – yes, yes and yes. I have been angry for a long time. It’s my “go to” emotion. I haven’t really known what other emotions there are besides sad and angry and tired. Like so many of us, I used alcohol to medicate myself – to try to feel better – to be happy. And like all of us, the alcohol didn’t fix me.

I am practicing/learning to pause, and I am learning to pray and ask my higher power for His will not mine. I like running the show but it hasn’t worked. Today I am grateful that I am sober! I have countless blessings. Things have improved in my life. I am still a work in progress. But when I sit back and look at where I was 18 months ago, I can honestly it’s a miracle. I am so grateful for AA, my higher power, my sponsor, the fellowship, and this group.

I would really like to hear your thoughts and experiences on this subject – pause. Do you pause, does it work for you, do you constantly remind yourself you are not the running the show? How has that changed your life?

Enjoying Life On Life’s Terms

I have worked the 12 steps with my sponsor and seen the promises come true. As I celebrate how far I’ve come, I can’t help but remember what it was like I’m reminded of the section from the chapter “A Vision For You” from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:

For most normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colorful imagination. It means release from care, boredom and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good. But not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking. The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt and one more failure. 
Alcoholics Anonymous, page 151

The night of my last drunk, I was on a chartered sail boat on Lake Michigan. The sun was shining and life was good. I was there for work. There were 12 of us, drinking wine and champagne and enjoying the day. Or I should say that’s what everyone else was doing. I was drinking and drinking and drinking some more. I couldn’t get enough.

After we got off the sailboat, some people were going home and others were going to go for Mexican food and margaritas. I had told myself I was going to go home. I had a husband and a nine month old at home. I should have gone home. But in my mind, it was like I would be missing out if I didn’t go for Mexican. I chose chips and salsa and, more importantly, margaritas. I was drinking so fast. I couldn’t stop. I had horrible heartburn, and I kept drinking. Then it hit me, I was an hour from home and wasted.

I got up and said “I gotta go.” I knew that if I didn’t go, I would black out and not make it home. I was scared. So I walked out to the street to hail a cab. We were in Lincoln Park, a neighborhood on the northside of Chicago, and I couldn’t find a cab. So I sat down on the curb to wait for one. I passed out and woke up to an EMT throwing me on a stretcher. I panicked. I called him some names, and he threw me on and belted me down. Took me to the ER where I was in and out of consciousness. I slept it off for a bit and when I woke up, the nurse had me call my husband. I could barely speak. It was like my mouth was full of cement. My husband was screaming and crying. I just handed the phone over to the nurse.

My husband had to wake my daughter up and drive to get us. We live in the southwest suburbs. Before I could leave, the doctor wanted to talk to me to see if I needed to be admitted for psychiatric evaluation. I admitted to her what I had known for a long time. I was an alcoholic and my life was out of control. I worked full time, was the “bread winner,” had a nine month old . Life was unmanageable. She smiled. She told me she was relieved that I knew what I needed to do. Four hours later, I was in my first AA meeting.

I would see people drink and have fun. They didn’t seem to isolate like I did. They didn’t seem to feel the guilt, shame and remorse the next day that I did. They didn’t seem tormented. They weren’t consumed by the desire and the obsession to drink.

I failed at drinking. But since coming to these rooms, I have learned how to succeed at living life. I came to the rooms in hopes to learn how to live life WITHOUT drinking. What I have learned is so much more useful. I have learned how to live life on life’s terms. I have learned about patience, tolerance, love, and compassion not only for myself, but for all the other people out there in the world.

For today’s topic, I’m hoping you can share on how you have learned how to enjoy life on life’s terms.

A Selfish Program

Welcome and Happy Mothers Day to all us women, whether you’re a mom or a daughter or both. Today is a day we take stock and appreciate those people in our lives. With this in mind I would like to suggest as a topic – It’s a Selfish Program.

How does that tie into mothering? When I came in, I was absolutely LAST on the list. Everyone else came first. I had two boys 3 and 10, and a husband who was totally capable of helping and choose to NOT. Then there were the parents and friends and on and on till I was just a human doing. Work, home drink, pass out, work, home, drink, pass out … you get the picture.

That was 12 years of my life. When I was first exposed to AA, and you suggested I make my sobriety a priority, I struggled. How could I possibly put that first on the list when I had so many responsibilities? My marriage didn’t survive, but I did. My children did, and we have relationships now.

Today, I have a relationship with myself. That’s something I never had. I have a relationship with a higher power who guides me, takes care of my most basic needs and wants and some very personal spiritual ones as well. There are days I soar on the wings of eagles, and there are days I trudge thru mud. But through all that I have put sobriety first because without that, I am nothing.

I look forward to reading your shares and how you have learned to put yourself first and learned that everyone in your life benefited from your taking action.

Rule 62

When I was new to AA, people would refer to Rule 62. I had no clue what they were talking about. I thought it was some secret code. And I guess it is really. “Don’t take yourself too seriously.” That’s Rule 62. It tells me to let go of all that ego stuff and just relax. For me, there are few more important rules in the program.

Don’t drink – no matter what – is, of course, the big one. I don’t have a chance if I can’t put the bottle down. Believe me, I know. It took me nine years to get from my first meeting to my last drink. If I can’t get my mind clear, I won’t get the benefits of the steps and the wisdom that’s so plentiful in the rooms of AA. But once I can actually stop drinking, what’s next?

I thought life was going to be boring and empty. Without my best friend, how in the world would I enjoy anything? It was a tremendous surprise to realize that I was busier than I’d been for years and that I was actually enjoying life without booze. But it took longer to learn how to laugh.

We are not a glum lot. The most amazing thing to me about meetings is how much we laugh. Sometimes, it’s very dark humor, but that’s what makes it funny – we know what dark is. We laugh at things that others might find embarrassing or humiliating. We tell stories on ourselves, admitting our defects without feeling ashamed of them. We know we are sick, but we are getting well – together.

When I can let go of my pride, when I can be right-sized, I don’t have to protect my fragile ego anymore. I don’t get insulted or hurt so easily. I don’t have to make snide remarks to or about others. I am not perfect, and it is perfectly ok. It is even funny. I no longer take myself so damned seriously. What a tremendous gift it is to be free enough to laugh at myself. So, newcomers, when you hear about Rule 62, remember how important it is.

Remember that a sober life is a life that includes plenty of laughter. I invite you to share this week about the laughter in your program – about not taking yourself too seriously.

Keeping Your Program Fresh

For most of us, the first years of AA are something like a honeymoon. There is a new and potent reason to stay alive, joyful activity aplenty. For a time, we are diverted from the main life problems. That is all to the good.

But when the honeymoon has worn off, we are obliged to take our lumps, like other people. This is where the testing starts. Maybe the group has pushed us onto the side lines. Maybe difficulties have intensified at home, or in the world outside. Then the old behavior patterns reappear. How well we recognize and deal with them reveals the extent of our progress.
As Bill Sees It, page 216

I started this week’s meeting with this quote from As Bill Sees It because at two years into this journey, even though I feel like a relative newcomer, I am beginning to lose much of the “Pink Cloud” of early recovery. As Bill W put it, the Honeymoon is over. Having spent two years in the rooms, I know what a dangerous place this can quickly become if I allow my program to take a back seat.

If I allow my program to become stale or boring, I am putting myself at risk of picking up that first drink: the drink I know I can never afford to ever take again! Fortunately, I have surrounded myself with the “Winners” in the program, and because of their Experience, Strength and Hope, I don’t have to make the same mistakes some of them have made. I know that now is the time to double-down on working my program. I must question my motives any time someone or something threatens to become a priority over my sobriety. So now the real work begins!

My topic for this week is Keeping your Program Fresh. I’d like to hear from anyone willing to share on how you have kept your program of recovery First and Fresh in your life when the Honeymoon is over. As always, you are also welcome to share on anything you need to share on.

Life On Life’s Terms

I have been trying to think of a topic for a month now, but this seems to cover it for me today. My dad has been diagnosed with cancer that appears to be in every organ and, today is the 6th anniversary of the death of my children’s father. So this week has not only been a celebration, it has been one of stress, sadness, anxiety and most certainly powerlessness.

I am so grateful that today, I have the tools from this program to deal with, accept and live life as it happens and I don’t have to drink or pretend to be GOD! LOL When I talked to my Dad (he is in Florida but enroute home, hooray!!!), he said he’s taking it “ONE DAY AT A TIME”!!! He’s not even in the program! LOL Life happens, and I am truly grateful that I am sober and able to be present today!

Serenity

I was going to write about gratitude (one can never have enough shares on that topic- LOL!) but then decided to write about “Serenity” which I feel goes hand in hand with gratitude. If I don’t have gratitude, I don’t have serenity. Unfortunately, I don’t always remember that and then get caught up in the worries and stresses of life. If I don’t take care of myself and don’t do the next right thing, my thinking gets “stinky”, and I get myself closer to that slippery slope. When I pause, breathe, and get in touch with my Higher Power and say a prayer- like the Serenity Prayer- I can feel myself starting to calm down in my head, and my thinking becomes clearer and more positive.

I also really try to meditate on those words of the Serenity Prayer and try to accept that I cannot resolve insoluble problems! Accept the things that I cannot change! Sometimes it’s not so easy to differentiate between insoluble situations and those situations that I can change.

From “Came to Believe (A.A. approved literature): “….I find that substituting the word ‘honesty’ for ‘wisdom’ often furnishes the clue to the answer I’m seeking.” I love that! This program is all about honesty. I have learned to be more honest with myself and with others. Boy oh boy – all the lying and the sneakiness that I used to do!! I had to stop lying to others and lying to myself – I learned acceptance and tolerance AND Honesty, Openness and Willingness (HOW)!

“Serenity to me, therefore, is the absence of insoluble conflict. And it is up to me first to determine whether, after an honest look at myself, I can cope with the problem, then to decide whether it is to be tackled, passed over to another day, or dismissed forever.” “Came to Believe,” p. 111

After I’ve accepted that I cannot change a situation (people too), I become more at peace with myself and the situation. It’s really comforting to know that. When I can change something, and I have taken an honest look and have prayed about it, the next thing for me to do is the very best that I can. If I know that I did the very best that I could – that I did the next right thing – then I am at peace and have serenity. Wow, it’s taken me a long time to figure this out – I am a slow learner -LOL! But it is progress, not perfection!

Types of AA Meetings

I realized that it would be helpful to start a discussion on what is bothering this alcoholic currently. In my immediate area, there were 4 Discussion Meetings a week and 4 Speaker Meetings. The 4 Speaker Meetings have regular attendance and participation but one of the Discussion meetings, a Big Book Meeting, folded before Christmas because they could not afford to pay rent due to lack of attendance. The other 3 Discussion Meetings, a 12 and 12 Study, a Women’s Discussion, and a General Discussion are all just hanging on by a thread with very limited attendance (2-3 people, many times one). My questions to the GROW membership are what types of meetings do you attend and do you have a preference for a certain type of meeting?

All AA Meetings are great, and I have never left a meeting without learning something. My preference is for Discussion Meetings where everyone gets a chance to talk and hear more than one other person share. One of these Discussion Meetings (the 12 and 12 Study) had the reputation that it was for the educated AA members – which was just an excuse used to not attend by many. That meeting has the same cross section of long-time recovering alcoholics, newcomers, and all stages in between as well as alcoholics with degrees and alcoholics who can’t read but are just as smart as those with formal educations. Three of these meetings are all held at the same place and are part of the same Group that has a Speaker Meeting. This Group started 66 years ago with the Speaker Meeting, then about 30 years ago the General Discussion Meeting started, then 25 years ago the 12 and 12 Study Meeting came into being and I started the Ladies Meeting 10 years ago.

I was wondering what type of meetings you ladies of GROW have where you live and is attendance staying the same or falling off?

Resentments

Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. In the Daily Reflections, it says “If I continue to relive my old hurt, it is a resentment and resentment bars the sunlight from my soul. If I continue to relive hurts and hates, I will hurt and hate myself. In As Bill Sees It … harbouring resentment is infinitely grave. For then we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit. Anger is a luxury I cannot afford.

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. 
Know God;
Know peace.
No God;
No peace.

This is only a little of what is written in Daily Reflections. I know anger comes from my resentments. This is where my mantras come into play. Let go and let God. I can still get angry, I can still feel the emotions but my choice is not to cover over it with alcohol and I can’t afford to stay there, so I must pray, talk to my sponsor, and go to meetings. I struggle with meditating but in listening to people talk it is an important part of my sobriety.

Prayer is talking to God…….meditation is listening to God.

Resentments for me come from feeling I am not enough! Why does she have more than me. Why is she thinner, prettier than me. My knitting is never as good as hers … the list goes on and on and on.

In my two years of sobriety I have grown. Thank goodness for spiritual progress and not perfection … I need to go easy on myself, forgive myself like I forgive others.

My great sponsor reminds me as I continue on this spiral journey, don’t compare myself to others. I am enough. Pat myself on the back because whatever I have gone thru (dealing with life on life’s terms) I didn’t have a drink.

When the resentments set in, I go back to a book I was given in an AA meeting “The Golden Key.” Six short pages … when a person or event is upsetting me, my eyes are off God. Using the theory “Golden Key” it or them it really works.

I am learning daily, what is my business and what is not, that I am not in control of people. That they are behaving the only way they know how to. It is not up to me to do their inventory … lol just do my own and keep my side of the street clean!

I am so thankful to be on this journey with the many I have met in GROW. When I read a share that I just need to read, I know it is God’s handiwork. Nothing happens in God’s universe by accident. I just need to sit back and ask “What is God trying to teach me right now?” Be Still and Know that I am God. I know God loves me just as I am, but he loves me too much to leave me there.

Plan the Action, Not the Results

My husband and I made a decision recently, that we would not live apart any longer and trusted that the money part of this would fall together. But in view of the fact that we have waited our entire lives to find each other, it did not make sense to live in two different countries. So he gave notice and is coming home on April 4th and is done with the China gig. Hurrah! Rather magically and because we simply do the next indicated thing together, he applied for a job in Florida a month or so ago. The salary turned out to be far short of our needs, so we figured it was not meant to be. But last night he received an email informing him that the new Florida-based company would like to fly him to Florida later next month for an interview.

Now here is the part that I like the most. It’s not so much about the salary. We are not even sure we want to live in Florida right now. In fact, ideally we would get to spend the summer in our beautiful home here in the Great White North of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. The winters are brutal, and we “Yoopers” really look forward to the spectacular summer months followed by the flaming Fall colors! After 200-300″ of snow removal we earn our summer months! At any rate, we don’t want to move to Florida right now, but perhaps God has another plan.

Together Dave and I have concluded that we must follow this job offer to its conclusion. The one thing I do know is that we will be happy no matter where we are, as AA has given us the tools with which to live life and the promises of happiness, joy & freedom. Plus, I am one of the most adaptable people that I know. I can live almost anywhere. We will plan a trip together to Florida later next month, “try it on” and see if it is a good fit. We will pray together and make the decision together. We will write about it, the pros & cons and we will analyze and do the footwork. We will “number crunch”, pray some more and in the end we will know that we made the right decision for us and we will have no regrets. That is how AA has taught me to live my life. So for today I will plan the action and not the results.

It has taken me a lifetime to get to this place where I don’t need to “steer” (don’t get me wrong, I will still try on occasion to control stuff!) or manipulate, conjure, massage, orchestrate, etc. the outcome of events in my life. I am learning, albeit ever so slowly, sometimes to let stuff/life unfold. It is certainly more exciting that way! I trust in the process today and know in my heart if not in my head, that God has a plan. It is His plan and all I need to do is the footwork and the rest will unfold naturally.

So today, I plan the action not the results. This is born of trust – a ruthless trust in a God of my understanding. It has taken years of “testing” my trust, years of letting go little by little and finding out that it all works out for the best. This of course, is only affirmed in retrospect. I just cannot see today what the outcome of “the game” will be. And it does not matter to me now. What matters is that I get up and do the best that I can just for today.

My Mom had a book on her nightstand that I will never forget the title of, and I have it on my nightstand now. In fact I would love to simply frame the cover and hang it on the wall as I didn’t enjoy reading it all that much. It is titled “Don’t Push the River (it flows by itself)” by Barry Stevens. The title conjures up the perfect imagery for me of just how to live life.

God has a plan here for my husband and I, and it is my job to do the footwork. I have learned to have little vested in the actual outcome, because God has always given me/us exactly what I need when I need it. What I know today is that during the course of my sober years, my Higher Power has ALWAYS taken care of my needs. I trust my God today. The freedom that gives me is priceless, absolutely priceless.

Humility and Responsibility

On Page 272 of “As Bill Sees It” it says:

“All A.A. progress can be reckoned in terms of just two words: humility and responsibility. Our whole spiritual development can be accurately measured by our degree of adherence to these magnificent standards.

“Ever deepening humility, accompanied by an ever greater willingness to accept and to act upon clear-cut obligations — these are truly our touchstones for all growth in the life of the spirit. They hold up to us the very essence of right being and right doing. It is by them that we are enabled to find and to do God’s will.”

TALK, 1965 (Printed in Grapevine, January 1966)

These two little paragraphs contain an enormous amount of truth and a standard that seemed foreign to me when I entered these rooms. I did not take responsibility for my acts and behaviors. I did not have a healthy perspective on my self-worth nor my part in the insanity that was ensuing in my family life. I had checked out on being a parent and wife on many levels, and it led to an ever-increasing weight of guilt and shame.

It was easy for me to place the blame for my misery on others and to never see my part in the mess I had made of my life. As I hit my bottom, I was given the gift of willingness, and it led me to you all, and the doors of my local A.A. fellowship. It was then that the fog lifted, and I was given a new start at life.

As I began to shut up and listen, get a sponsor, do the steps, get involved in service, and practice prayer and meditation, I began to see the real picture. This picture is being revealed to me daily as I am only just beginning to see what humility and responsibility even look like. I am starting to realize that I am not worthless, nor am I the queen of everything.

I am stepping up and doing what is right and just when I am able to, and when I cannot, I learn from my mistakes. I sincerely mean it when I pray each morning for right thoughts and action, for God’s will to be done, for me to be of use to my fellow man, and to be willing to admit my wrongs and make them right. I am not a saint!! But baby steps of progress are occurring and I am so grateful that I have been given a second chance at life.

So, my question for you is: How do you practice these two things in your life? What do these paragraphs mean to you? You can also share on anything that is on your mind this week.

Gratitude

Today I celebrate 28 years of sobriety. I am somewhat new to GROW since only finding out about GROW last December. Reading your shares every day and listening to your experience strength and hope has helped me keep things in perspective lately since I have been crazy busy the last year with work and being in an MA program. I fall very quickly into self and negative thinking if I don’t work my program and get to meetings.

I wasn’t really sure I was an alcoholic at first but knew I could not stop drinking. I believe my drink found my friends for me back then as I wanted to drink to get drunk and basically check out as much as possible through drink. Back then if you didn’t drink like I did or wanted to drink like I did I thought you were boring, weird or there was something not right about you. I came into the rooms on March 7th, 1987, and I did not plan to get sober or stay in AA. I just wanted help to drink like a normal person (not blackout, not end up with people I didn’t want to be with the next day after drinking all night, not miss school due to drinking!|)

My Higher Power had other plans, and the meeting I walked in on March 8th, 28 years ago, was the beginning of my journey in sobriety. Well I didn’t really want to stop drinking all those years ago but I did want to learn how to “curtail” my drinking. I started hearing peoples’ stories in AA after going to meetings to try and learn how to be a normal drinker, and then I heard how peoples’ lives were so much better being sober.

I started to take suggestions from people who had some time in AA, and I did almost everything these crazy old timers in AA told me to do !’d pick up cups, wash up, greet at meetings, take on commitments, 90 in 90, read the book, talk to newcomers with less time than me and so on. They kept telling me to “keep coming back” one day at a time. It wasn’t too long that I got a sponsor and she walked me through the steps of AA.

For me I know in my heart that sobriety gives me amazing choices and opportunities in life that I would not have if I was drinking. Today I have hope and faith. And if on occasion things happen which are out of my control, I know from experience in AA that “this too shall pass.”

AA birthdays always give me an opportunity to reflect on my sober journey and express some gratitude for a new life (and an even better one than I could have imagined). Today I certainly don’t worry about hangovers, blacking out, or waking up with someone I don’t know or care to be with because of my drinking. I haven’t had the opportunity to get to any f2f meetings this week due to being out of town for work, so this fellowship online has been my saving grace. Look forward to shares on the topic of “Gratitude.”

Just want to finish my share with my favourite reading from the Big Book of AA, “Keys of the Kingdom,” page 276:

“The last fifteen years of my life have been rich and meaningful. I have had my share of problems, heartaches, and disappointments because that is life, but also I have known a great deal of joy and a peace that is the handmaiden of an inner freedom. I have a wealth of friends and, with my A.A. friends, an unusual quality of fellowship. For, to these people, I am truly related. First, through mutual pain and despair, and later through mutual objectives and new-found faith and hope. And, as the years go by, working together, sharing our experiences with one another, and also sharing a mutual trust, understanding, and love – without strings, without obligation – we acquire relationships that are unique and priceless.

“There is no more aloneness, with that awful ache, so deep in the heart of every alcoholic that nothing, before, could ever reach it. That ache is gone and never need return again.

“Now there is a sense of belonging, of being wanted and needed and loved. In return for a bottle and a hangover, we have been given the Keys of the Kingdom.”

Daily Inventory

For today’s topic, I have chosen the powerful words about prayer and meditation in Step 10 of Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pp. 89-90. These paragraphs point to the need for daily inventories which they call an accurate self-appraisal and how self-examination is necessary to stop judging other folks.

The section asks if these practices are not “joy killers.” The answer is not really, that once the habit of a self-appraisal becomes grooved, it is “interesting and profitable and the time it takes won’t be missed.”

Though this is only the 3rd and not the 10th month of the year, Step 10 has always been the key step in my sober life, so I am showcasing the information for this meeting. I am sober more than 30 years, but I still get caught up in what other people are doing and thinking: even though AA tells me I don’t have to please everyone, I still want to. And all the literature tells me that in some fashion I must do God’s will, and I will probably know it is His will if I have ease and comfort.

On page 90, it tells us “it is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.” It asks “is there no exception to this?” And the answer is our so-called “justifiable anger is better left to those qualified to handle it.”

The spot check inventory is aimed at or daily ups and downs, especially when people or events can throw us off balance. And the book underscores the development of self-restraint since “when we speak or act hastily our ability to be fair-minded evaporates on the spot.”

Recently I moved into an assisted living facility because there were many issues at the apartment house where I had lived for the last four years. As fate would have it, I face new and more difficult challenges here: I am trying to be reasonable every time something difficult happens, and I am growing constantly. Not only does my age make it harder to change and do it with good humor, but my lifetime featuring the freedom and happiness I am used to makes me balk at letting others make decisions for me. I am not the spiritually sound person I would like to be, but I try to apply these principles on an ongoing basis.

Now, I would like to hear from you about how you utilize the principles outlined here to seek solutions to the unhappiness caused by people, places, and things in your life. For me the program works both in face-to-face and online meetings, and the words, in my humble opinion, are straight from GOD. Ladies, the floor is now open for sharing.

The Victory of Surrender

For our topic this week I chose a reading from the Daily Reflections Book on page 14: “The Victory of Surrender”. This quote is from the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions p.21: “We perceive that only through utter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength. Our admissions of personal powerlessness finally turn out to be firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built.”

I would like to examine how utter defeat and personal powerlessness leads to victory. When I came into AA, I was and still am personally powerless over alcohol. For years while drinking, I had tried to control my drinking on my own through self-will. I tried switching from beer to wine; I tried white knuckling it; I tried vitamins, exercise, self-help. All these failed. My life was a mess and I was completely defeated.

I realized I couldn’t get sober alone. I needed AA and all of you and a God of my understanding. I needed something to lean on besides myself. Admitting my personal powerlessness and joining AA allowed me to find a God and deepen that relationship and for that I am so grateful.

Today I depend on AA and our meetings and the fellowship and God to keep me sober. And I am glad that I had to reach rock bottom to get to that point. Otherwise I’d still be trying to do it on my own.

Please share your experience, strength and hope with us on how you came to realize your personal powerlessness over alcohol and how that led to new strength and new life. Feel free to share on whatever else you need to discuss as well.

Practice These Principles In All Our Affairs

“Having had a spiritual awakening, as a results of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

I am focusing on the last part of Step 12, as this is something that I try to do daily. I wasn’t able to do this part in early sobriety because I didn’t understand it all. What a relief that working these steps can give me a daily reprieve for not only my alcoholism, but from life itself.

Practicing these principles has allowed me to gain relief in times that are challenging and just be a more productive and positive human being in good/all times. It gives me a blue print for life and dealing with life on life’s terms.

I have health and other challenges. I am recovering from a surgery (my third one in a nine-month period), and I have been able to stay sober through all its challenges by simply practicing these principles in all my affairs.

Here’s one last note that just tickles me pink: Because of Alcoholics Anonymous, we have other 12 step programs for almost anything that challenges you. I am a member of a number of other programs. They have enabled me to enhance my AA program because using 12 step programs on the things that challenge me (outside of my alcoholism) has afforded me steps to take for these other challenges. What a gift!!

With that being said, AA is and will always be my primary fellowship! The others just enhance my ability to clean house completely and to in-depth practice AA/these principles in all my affairs. I hope that made sense without breaking traditions! I wish I could express myself in written form as well as spell well, smiles.

So, I would love to hear how you “Practice these principles in all ‘your’ affairs” or anything else 12 step AA related that is on your heart today.

Emotional Balance

And let’s always remember that meditation in reality is intensely practical. One of its first fruits is emotional balance. With it we can broaden and deepen the channel between ourselves and God as we understand him. (12×12, 101-102)

Although I pray in the morning and evening, I don’t often take time for meditation. I’m in the middle of a big move and find myself thinking: I don’t have the time for meditation. My old thinking says, if I’m not wandering around my apartment doing stuff or worrying about the stuff I’m not currently doing I’m wasting my time. I’m sitting “like a bump on a log,” as my grandma used to say.

Then I came across the quote above from the 12×12. My current state of mind says that meditation is not practical. Before I moved into this period of concentrated stress, I was pretty pleased with myself in terms of “constant contact” with my HP. My routine included morning prayers, sitting down to check in with myself throughout the day, evening prayers and a Tenth Step review.

Now, when I sit down my heart is pounding and my mind is racing. I am not emotionally balanced. So … I’m re-prioritizing meditation. And I hope to hear from all of you on this topic (or another topic of your choosing). What do you do in times of stress to keep up your constant contact? How do you practice constant contact with your HP? Do you have a story to share about one time when turning to prayer/meditation really did help to bring you into emotional balance?

“Tolerance Keeps Us Sober”

“Honesty with ourselves and others gets us sober, but it is tolerance that keeps us that way.

“Experience shows that few alcoholics will long stay away from a group just because they don’t like the way it is run. Most return and adjust themselves to whatever conditions they must. Some go to a different group, or form a new one.

“In other words, once an alcoholic fully realizes that he cannot get well alone, he will somehow find a way to get well and stay well in the company of others. It has been that way from the beginning of A.A. and probably will be so.”

LETTER, 1943
From “As Bill Sees It” page 312

I liked this reading and hope you do too. Honesty and tolerance – mmmm – always thought that I practiced those principles, but I’ve come to realize more and more that I haven’t been honest and tolerant all of the time – even in sobriety. I thought I was a pretty tolerant person, but really, I can be and have been selfish, self-centered, and impatient! This made my life unmanageable, and it really made others around me miserable – like my husband, children, co-workers, sponsors, friends, and other family members.

Through working the Steps (haven’t gone through all of them yet), going to meetings (f2f and online), lots of praying to the God of my understanding, working with other alcoholics, and working with a therapist, I’ve been able to change – to grow – and become the honest and tolerant woman that my higher power wants me to be.

I know that I cannot do this alone. I have missed meetings, because I don’t feel like going, and my disease tells me that I don’t need to go. Every time this happens, I feel like I am “okay” for a little while, and then the restlessness, irritability and discontent starts to creep back into my mind. Some of my old patterns of thinking and behaving start to come back.

I really need you ladies and other women in A.A. to keep me on the beam. I can do all of the exercising and yoga that I want, but it really comes down to the AA meetings – hearing other alcoholics and identifying with them. I have had to change my meetings, and I did form a new one. Many of you know that I only attend women’s meetings due to the fact that I had an affair with a man in AA. My husband and I continue to re-build our marriage, and I am still trying to gain all of his trust back. I also started up a new women’s meeting in the town that I live – a Big Book meeting which I chair.

If I isolate, it will not be good! I love that these meetings are 24/7. I try to attend at least 2-3 f2f meetings. I’m still trying to get better at picking up the phone and calling another woman in AA. Usually it’s texting 🙂 Anyways, I hope that you beautiful ladies got something out of this share! I am very grateful to be a part of GROW – I don’t always write a share, but I do read your shares!

Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change

One of the biggest reasons I drank (first because I liked the taste) but more importantly because I had a bad attitude and outlook on life in general. Work, family, friends, finances – you name it and I could find some fault with it somehow, someway. When I drank, I could change that attitude and outlook by thinking that I could change people, places, and things. What I found out as my drinking progressed was that family especially didn’t like my attitude and outlook on things. My friends (really only my drinking buddies) felt the same way as I did most of the time, but didn’t want to change anything so then I was not in agreement with them and my outlook on them wasn’t very good.

One night I had been celebrating my 61st birthday (as I had been for six days) and was talking to my youngest daughter on the phone, and she asked me if I had been drinking. I said yes I had had a couple, and she than informed me they would have nothing to do with me until I quit drinking and hung up on me. I was devastated and 2 hrs later called her back and said “I need help and don’t know what to do.”

Needless to say she got me into rehab. I was in an awesome rehab for 13 days, and they felt I was ready to come home. One of the things I learned in rehab, amongst many, was I had a bad attitude and outlook on life. I was making my life miserable myself due to this, and thus turned to alcohol to make me feel good. I took all their suggestions at rehab and started going to AA meetings 6 days a week and online to GROW every day. It was through the shares of everyone at the meetings and you ladies that I realized how I needed to change so many things in my attitude and outlook.

This promise has definitely come true for me in so many ways. I realize today that it is not all about Carol and what I think. It is about helping newcomers and people outside of the program. Helping people who maybe don’t have it as good as I do. It’s about doing service work in my homegroup. It’s about not being judgmental of other people, places and things. I struggle with why everyone that comes too AA cannot get it and why they have too relapse but today I so understand that everyone has to hit their own bottom and I can only be there for them if they need me and pray for them. It is in God’s hands not mine. I feel so blessed that God (my higher power) holds my hand and walks with me every day. Thank you ladies for all you have given me through your shares and friendship as my attitude and outlook on life today is how God wants me to see it.

Second Thought and First Action

Recently I’ve had occasion to attend a speaker meeting on Saturday that is usually way too early for this still-working woman, and the last two times I came away with really wonderful new takes on old topics.

Yesterday’s take-away was the statement, “I’m responsible for my second thought and my first action.” That homed right into my little brain. I’ve religiously practiced “restraint of tongue, pen, and keyboard” since being introduced to the concept. In sobriety I learned that my first thought is usually a negative and judgmental one; plus it is almost always “wrong”. I joke that I have a corkscrew ear-canal so that when someone says “Good morning, Mari Ann!” by the time it reaches my brain it has become “Drop dead, Mari Ann and do it now!”

Sobriety has taught me to double-check what I think I hear, refrain from acting on it, and wait for sober thinking to kick in. I’ve resigned myself to having that alcoholic brain without chastising myself for it anymore but liked the new angle put on it by yesterday’s speaker. I am responsible for my second thought – and my first action. It is the best little description of living a sober life to me.

This new way of living a sober, conscious life, with considerations for others inherent in its actions, has not only saved my sobriety; it has also allowed me to save myself a lot of embarrassment at shooting from the lip, and the consequent 10th Step amends that caused. It makes my sober world a much kinder one than my pre-sober one. It enables me to live the principles of this program in all my affairs.

I am so grateful I get to go to meetings so I get to hear such practical wisdom – and continue growing in sobriety. Thank you for allowing me to chair this week. You have helped me stay sober today and I hope the notion that we are responsible for our second thought and first action is helpful to your sobriety.

Guilt, Shame and Self-Talk

I celebrated four years of sobriety on the 1st of this month, and with my birthday came the usual mixture of sadness and gratitude. On and around my birthdays, my thoughts travel back to where I was and what I was doing at that time four years ago. My addiction to alcohol and other substances started when my daughter was about 18 months old, trying to self-medicate excruciating depression and insomnia. I was not a stellar parent up to that point, distracted by my emotional pain and also physical illness that I struggled with for the first year of her life.

Once I started using mind-altering substances, I was just checked out all of the time. I got off of drugs and alcohol from March through November 2009, but during that period of abstinence, I merely replaced substances with other alcoholic behavior. Long story short, my collapsing marriage came to an end, I relapsed, got fired and ended up back in rehab where I finally surrendered and embraced the program of AA. Today, I have my life back and so much more than I’ve ever had before.

Yet, I am still frequently plagued with guilt and fear. Much of it is surrounding my daughter, who is now eight years old. My disease often tells me that I have not been a good enough parent and never will be. I am afraid that this will happen and that will happen and she will turn out an alcoholic and blah, blah, blah.

This morning I read a quote from a women’s meditation book that said “It isn’t for the moment you are struck that you need courage, but for the long uphill climb back to sanity and faith and security.” I know that I suffer from a disease that has no cure, but with daily maintenance I get a reprieve and day by day, a bit of healing can take place. I have come this far, and I have overcome tremendous obstacles by putting one foot in front of the other. With the support of this program and faith in my higher power, I continue to move forward and eat elephants, one bite at a time. I believe that I have it within me to overcome these feelings of guilt and fear, but so far I haven’t found a solution.

This week, I would like to present the topic of self-talk and combatting guilt and shame. How to stop unconsciously giving yourself negative messages. How do you combat this? Does it ever go away completely?

Please share your experience, strength and hope on this topic, or share whatever you need to share this week. Thank you so much!

“The principles we have set down are guides to progress”

The topic I’m interested in hearing discussed comes from “How it Works.” In my area, this part is read at the beginning of every meeting, just as it is reproduced on GROW at the beginning of every meeting. The sentence comes near the end of the section we read:

We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

Because I’ve been around the block for several 24 hours, and sat in many a meeting, I can find myself not paying a lot of attention at the beginning of the meeting. So when I realize that’s what’s going on, I pause, and I challenge myself to focus on what’s being read. I’ve noticed that some folks read along with the reader in their big book (or often in my case, on my phone or tablet!)

And what sometimes happens is that a phrase or something will jump off the page at me. Yes, I’ve read it before and heard in before but gosh, there are times when something just grabs my attention. That happened this past week with the sentence.

And I started wondering, just how are the principles guides to my spiritual progress? (I ask that because the next sentence says “We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.”)

My Magnifying Mind

It is amazing to me that I have been able to stay sober one minute/ one day/ one week/ one year/ etc and, I KNOW that it’s not me doing it. I have learned in this AA Program and from you recovering women how to allow a Power greater than myself to work in my life and guide my actions, words and thoughts (most of the time). God is my Higher Power and He works through you, your shares, the AA Big Book, the Steps, all of the things that make this AA Program what it is.

Before I got sober, my life was a rollercoaster of men, marriages and divorces, geographic cures, blaming and suffering, one upheaval after another, having abandoned my morals/standards/dignity, … after the “umteenth” divorce, I was in soooo much emotional pain that I went to a counselor who insisted that I stay “chemically free” (no alcohol, pills, etc) as we worked together. After about one week without alcohol, as I was sharing my justifiable anger about my life/pain/etc, she suggested that I go to an AA meeting. I was shocked and bewildered and figured I needed to find another counselor.

But I went to the meeting that she suggested. It was a Step Study and the topic was Step 12 (what a coincidence!) ~ “Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.” I sat and listened to those recovering folks share about how they quit drinking and worked this Program and the miracles they had experienced and how their lives had changed for the better. That was the beginning of the most amazing and wonderful adventure I could have ever hoped for ~ sobriety in this AA Program. Today, I generally like the woman I have become and I am more open to allowing God to do what He needs to do so that I can be who He would have me be. (He’s not finished with me yet!) Thank you, God.

As a topic I’d like to offer some passages from the Big Book, Dr. Paul’s chapter “Acceptance Was The Answer” (p 407-). He describes, “It was as if I had, rather than a Midas touch which turned everything to gold, a magnifying mind that magnified whatever it focused on. … If I focus on a problem the problem increases; if I focus on the answer, the answer increases… the best thing of all for me is to remember that my serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations … I must keep my magic magnifying mind on my acceptance and off my expectations, for my serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance…”

This guidance is so helpful to me because my own “magnifying mind” can blow any issue or problem way out of proportion and I end up with “contagious misery” (I share it with anyone around me). The more I focus on the answer (i.e. the principles and steps and slogans of this Program), the more serenity I have in my life. And, for that I’m deeply grateful. Thank you for the opportunity to share.

Please share on anything I have discussed or however you feel led. Thanks.

Step 12 & Tradition 12

The steps are our blueprint for living sober lives. The traditions are what guide most AA groups. The traditions certainly inform our group conscience decisions and the original structure for GROW. We look forward to your shares.

Step 12 : “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

This step is listed in Chapter 5, How it Works, from the book, Alcoholics Anonymous(affectionately known as the Big Book) (see p. 60). There’s more in Chapter 7 (Working with Others), starting on p. 89, which is all about the 12th step. There’s even more about it in the book, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.

Tradition 12 : “Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.”

This tradition is listed in one of the appendixes in the book, Alcoholics Anonymous(see p. 562). There’s more in The Long Form; Tradition 12 starts at the bottom of p. 565 (in the 4th edition):

“And finally, we of Alcoholics Anonymous believe that the principle of anonymity has an immense spiritual significance. It reminds us that we are to place principles before personalities; that we are actually to practice a genuine humility This is to the end that our great blessings may never spoil us; that we shall forever live in thankful contemplation of Him who presides over us all.”

There’s more about it in the book, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. You can find the books “Alcoholics Anonymous” and “Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions” at many f2f AA meetings; you can order them online from many places.

Tools for Living a Sober Life

I came in the doors of AA frightened and knowing that if I took another drink, I would die. I had heard that AA did not work for many, and that was one of my fears. My brain was constantly racing, and it could not stay still. I found myself unemployed for the first time in my life from a carrier that I loved and alone because my husband had gotten tired and left. The holidays were coming up and after a terrible Thanksgiving and, coming from a family of drinkers, I was feeling hopeless.

When I attended the meetings during the first couple of weeks, I could not hear or understand what you were reading. The only thing that I got out of the meetings was the Serenity Prayer and The Third Step Prayer which I thought were awesome and stuck to me fast. I began using the tools that the program provides.

I did what I was told to do and I got a sponsor at my second meeting and began 90/90. I was told to read the Big Book, The Little Red Book, A Woman’s Way Through the Twelve Steps, and the Bible. After my first month, my brain started to listen to the slogans said at the meetings. By then, I was beginning to understand what you were reading. I still have some trouble with memorization, but it has gotten better.

My life has changed through the years using the tools I learn from you. I live peace most of the time; I do not desire a drink; and I have a great relationship with my HP. I am fortunate to be able to attend mass most days, I’ve learned that my children have to go through their own process in life.

I truly believe I am the product of a Miracle: I was given a second chance at life. The promises are being fulfilled in my life sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. I’m a work in progress and still need much support.

Please share what tools you uses and how they help you live a sober life or anything else you wish.

Turning Points

“If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help. This we did because we honestly wanted to, and were willing to make the effort.” Pages 25-26 Big Book

“Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.” Page 59 Big Book

These two passages say a lot to me, and this past week I have been reflecting on my journey. I find it amazing to see the change from where I was and where I am today.

I find for me many “turning points” (even in sobriety) and through the twists and turns having a grateful heart turns the impossible into possible.

But how to have a grateful heart in the midst of a storm, when your world feels like it is falling apart? For me, I use a gratitude list of that which I am not grateful for and apply an AA principle to that which I face. I will be honest. I used to find gratitude lists as lame. I thought them weak and literally busy work given to me by my sponsor, however, quite the opposite.

In my story, my back has been against the wall many times, and when it is, I write that gratitude list and face that fear head on. I learned through your wisdom to find a grateful heart in the midst of storms.

I do not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it because it has made me who I am today. I do not know what tomorrow brings, and it is ok.

So dear sisters, on this journey of life, how did you face your turning points in life? What wisdom did you find facing those storms?

Please share your experience, your strength, and your hope.

For me when I share my story, I am reminded of Bill and Dr. Bob’s first encounter. We do not know when we share that the words we share may be those words that help another; however, more importantly, they may be the words we need to hear ourselves.

The Holiday Season

I recall a women’s meeting here last year- – – – the topic was “Insanity during the holidays”! As the sharing went around the room I found myself getting more and more “down”! Practically everyone was having a difficult time with the drama of the holidays, and it was definitely “catching”!

When it came my time to share – – -I took a deep breath (to unload any negativity), prayed for guidance, and what came out was the following:

This year I REFUSE to buy into the insanity of the holidays!!! I did this the first few years into sobriety – – -and, as a result, didn’t look forward to them and had many unnecessary fears about drinking. I came into this Program to learn how to live life in a happy, joyous and free manner without the necessity of anything mind-altering ! And when I stay in the “problem” I have one foot in the past and one foot in the future, and that leaves me with no foot to plant in the NOW! I prefer to look at “problems” as “opportunities for growth” and quickly get into the solution – – -rather than remaining in my “stuff” and treading water! Borrrrrrrrrrrrring!

Today I have ABSOLUTELY NO REASON OR EXCUSE to remain in any negative “stuff”! After all, haven’t I learned in this Program how to bring up, take a look at, unload the past, and get on with my life? Isn’t that what this is all about?

The tools are all here – – – -the path is laid out before me if I but just follow it in the suggested manner! It’s ALL right in front of my nose! All I have to do is DO IT! You’ve heard me before: IT WORKS WHEN I WORK IT, and it doesn’t when I don’t!!! Half measures availed me NOTHING!!! (And believe me, I tried!!!)

At the top of my priority list is to get and remain in CONSTANT contact with my Higher Power, praying for guidance all the way! I go to more meetings and remain in contact with a couple of recovering sisters on a daily basis.

Today I have the choice of enjoying life, or the alternative !

THIS IS FOR LIFE – – – -THIS IS MY LIFE – RIGHT NOW – RIGHT HERE!

and/or

This is a test. It is only a test. Had this been a real life you would have been instructed where to go and what to do. I believe this is a reminder not to take life so seriously. It will ALL pass!!! Might as well enjoy the ride – – -for it isn’t too long at all!!!

*****

HAVE A WONDERFUL HOLIDAY SEASON! We certainly have lots to be grateful for this year! We are sober!!!

I look forward to your shares on how you plan to put this Program to use and enjoy your holidays! Any little tips that might be helpful to our newcomers and/or others who are suffering are greatly appreciated!!! For you sisters who have a couple of holiday seasons under your belt, let’s show our newcomers what this Program is all about.

ACCEPTING AND ENJOYING WHAT IS! I hope you all are, too! / why not?

Hope

When I came to the rooms of AA, I was bereft of hope and I didn’t even know it. I was numb and confused, and I wanted someone to save me. I had no idea what was in store for me or what my future held. I went to AA at the suggestion of a physician. I stayed because I sensed that the men and women in the rooms felt as I had always wanted to feel. They laughed easily and hugged often. They listened to one another intently. They seemed to truly care. In short, they had something I wanted so I stayed.

Since that time, I have discovered “what they had” was the awesome power of hope. Hope is the ability to push past our fears and open our minds to new possibilities. It’s the ability to see opportunity in even the most challenging life experience, knowing each challenge brings us to a new level of understanding of our life’s journey. Hope is inspiring. It gives us the motivation for living and learning. Hope gives to us even when we have little or nothing left. It is one of the most precious gifts we have in recovery.

The more I trust that my Higher Power will always do for me that which I can’t do for myself, the less anxious I feel. I know I have been prepared for whatever appears next on my journey. Nothing happens that hasn’t been divinely ordained. Our lives are never hopeless. We are in the right place, at the right time, walking with the people who are necessary to our journey. And our Higher Power is and always has been present, even when we feel we have been forgotten. Because of this program, I now trust that even in the darkest and coldest times, there is a warm and glowing ray of hope and faith all around us.

This week I would like to hear your thoughts about hope. Do you consider yourself hopeful? What do you see as the evidence of the presence of hope or its lack? How has hope enabled you to move forward in your life? You are also welcome to share on anything else you need to share on. Thank you for the opportunity to serve this week as the chair for the weekly meeting. My wish for each of you is that you may always have hope in your life. “Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without words and never stops, at all.”

10th Step Promises

I hear *The Promises* read at a lot of the meetings that I attend, and I can remember thinking to myself early on that these things would never come true for me. But in time and with work they did, and as it says “they will always materialize if we work for them.” However when the 10th step promises were first pointed out to me I found real honest to God hope for my future. I have that new attitude towards liquor that it talks about, and it was given to me without any thought or effort on my part.

If you will, this week, I would like to hear which of the 10th step promises means the most to you… Of course, if you need to share on some hidden pain that the promises bring out please do that. I didn’t realize until I had been here for a while that the hope given to me by *ALL* the promises throughout our Big Book opened up that morass of self-loathing in me and let it out into the sunshine of the spirit.

The 10th Step Promises

And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality,safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.

Getting Rid of Old Ideas

The topic for today is “Getting Rid of Old Ideas” from Living Sober, pp. 71-72, and follows that Chapter 5 admonition: “Some of us had to get rid of our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.”

The passage makes these points: the ideas that got so deeply embedded in our lives during drinking do not disappear quickly as if by magic the moment we start putting the plug in the jug.

Our days of “Sweet Adeline” may be gone but the malady lingers on; we new find it therapeutic to nip off many old ideas that sprout up again and they do over and over. We try to achieve a feeling of being relaxed, free from the bonds of our thinking and we measure whether a thought is useful against a specific standard.

We can tell ourselves this is what I used to think when drinking; does that kind of thought help me stay sober and is it good enough for me today as I live this new exciting sober lifestyle?

One of my old ideas is that it’s OK to let people criticize and disrespect me, one more manifestation of my too big ego whether inferior or superior. For years now, I have been standing up for myself and refusing to take the victim role or prey to bullying. It is never easy, but I can no longer be content as a doormat.

Setting boundaries is equally difficult. My oldest son always assumed I would do his laundry and also take care of paying for the food he eats while he is my guest. Without asking he stores items in my closets.

Recently, I said to him he can pay for his food, and gradually take home all of the things he stores here for convenience. I do not have space for much other than my own things. It feels awful but it is the right thing for me to do.

How are you doing replacing old ideas with fresh ones, old behavior with new actions? Did you notice that relationships with family and friends have improved since you applied changes?

Are you at first uncomfortable with new behavior, since they feel like stiff new clothes, tighter and smaller and we should be able to relax and wear sloppy, old, torn garments we are used to wearing.. Has it been the best thing eventually to become accustomed to the new clothing/behavior?

“More Than Comfort” – A reading from As Bill Sees It

I really didn’t know what topic to write about to be honest. I’ve been in a very bad emotional state- I guess you can call it an “emotional hangover.” I’ve been so unhappy- my depression and anxiety have been in full force. I’ve also been sponsoring myself and have been afraid to ask anyone to be my sponsor. I’ve gone through so many sponsors, that now I have been extra cautious about choosing the “right” one. Sounds crazy, I know. I also haven’t been really working the steps and only going to two meetings a week. My disease is telling me that two meetings is enough. In the meantime, I’ve been so malcontent. Last night I wanted to go to the store and buy alcohol. I also realized that I do not know how to ask for help nor do I want to always ask for help. I feel “stuck” even though I am praying every day to my Higher Power for guidance.

Tonight I took action. I called a woman who had offered to be my temporary sponsor. She is an older lady, very spiritual, and I love her dearly. I reached out for help and asked her to be my temporary sponsor. I feel so much better- lighter, and I feel myself recovering from the “emotional hangover”. It’s difficult for me to put my thoughts on “paper”, so I hope that I am making sense.

From As Bill Sees It: More than Comfort p. 148

“When I am feeling depressed, I repeat to myself statements such as these: “Pain is the touchstone of progress.” …”Fear no evil.”… “This, too, will pass.”… “This experience can be turned to benefit.”

“These fragments of prayer bring far more than mere comfort. They keep me on the track of right acceptance; they break up my compulsive themes of guilt, depression, rebellion, and pride; and sometimes they endow me with the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
—Grapevine, March 1962

This reading is a good reminder for me! It’s a reminder for me how important it is to pray and do the footwork. To accept that I am powerless over people, places, and things, and that I can only change myself. It’s so easy for me to get stuck in those feelings of guilt, depression, rebellion, and pride. When I allow these feelings to take over and overwhelm me, I feel hopeless and full of fear. That’s when I want to run away and drink, because that’s what I’ve always done. So I need to ask for help, work the steps, talk to other alcoholics and go to meetings. I can’t do this alone- I have tried, and it doesn’t work! I need you ladies, other women in the program and my Higher Power who I call God to help me stay physically and emotionally sober.

Thank you dear ladies. How do you deal with lack of emotional sobriety? What are your thoughts on the reading from As Bill Sees It? Please feel free to share on this topic or whatever else is on your mind.

Negative Self-Talk

It is said that we alcoholics are “egomaniacs with inferiority complexes.” Often, I stay so stuck in the “inferiority complex” that I can’t seem to crawl out from under it. I do recognize that even feeling inferior to everybody else is very “self”-driven and therefore could also qualifies me as an “egomaniac.”

As a child, my parents raised me to aspire to only “girl” goals and always be subservient to others. My mom used to frequently tell me that when I set a dinner table and there is a glass with a chip in it, I am to take that chipped glass. A very simple etiquette rule that I took way too far into how I perceived my worthiness in all areas of my life.

My ideas, my wants, my opinions are all inferior if they do match “yours.” And I find myself going way overboard in trying to please others that I am so full of resentment when others don’t make as great an effort to please me. What’s worse is I probably wouldn’t accept anything from others without feeling like I have to pay them back with twice the kindness. Does any of this make sense? I hope at least some of you can relate.

What I would love to hear is some magic solution that can completely change my thinking about my worthiness compared to others.

I once had a man in my treatment group suggest “… that if I could only sit myself on the other side off the room and speak to me as I speak to others, I would be a great deal kinder to me.” Very powerful stuff! I often think of that man and his words when I’m feeling down on myself; however, it never quiets the distorted and self-effacing chatter in my head. How do I turn it off!?!? Thank you, Ladies, for being here for me and each other.

I rarely feel like a freak because of my thoughts and feelings when I’m in the presence of Alcoholics Anonymous . especially the women in this program.

Holy Days and Holidaze

One slushy, winter day, in the bumpy days just after New Year’s Eve – when I had been sober, thankfully – I stopped into a cafe for a coffee and met a friend there. He asked how I was doing so instead of saying “Great!” which wasn’t true, I decided to be honest, “Well, you know how it is – the winter and holidays are just bringing me down.” He said something that surprised me, “Sorry you feel that way. But – No, I don’t know how it feels. This kind of weather energizes me and I love nothing more than the holidays.” I was happy for him, but more used to hearing people grump along with me. Maybe a lot of us critters just like a chance to get a complaint in, any complaint, just to be sure to fill that day’s quota. 😉

Truth is, winter IS hard on my system. Not only with diagnosed bipolar depression which worsens in winter with a layer of seasonal affective depression on top of it, too, just to cover all bases, but also as an alcoholic, it is a notoriously tricky time for me. I’ve been sober through many, many holidays so I am no longer bothered by being the only one not lifting champagne at New Year’s Eve (mineral water is just fine), and everyone knows me well enough to know I basically don’t drink (not everyone knows about the relapses; I don’t talk alcoholism with most people, they just know I am not a drinker). So it is not the “not joining in” bit that bothers me; when I have relapsed in winter it was always on my own and secretly. I have been in psych hospital 10 times in my 50-odd years (and believe me, they were very ODD years!), and ALL of those inauspicious occasions have been on this or that day in November to late March. I have spent 3 Christmas Days on a ward. Not the best record. Other years I’ve come through with flying colours.

So since I have a lot of experience of doing skillful and not so skillful things to make my way through a notoriously hard part of year for me – and which I know from lots of other people is hard for them too – I thought it might be interesting to suggest a topic this week that circulates around:

a) do you find yourself projecting in negative ways as the holidaze descend and the nights get colder and draw in? When you catch yourself doing that, do you have a tool (or 2 or 3) for changing that decline from down back up to a reasonable level of mood?

b) how do we feel as the holidays approach in terms of our sobriety, i.e., an experienced sober woman may not be especially concerned about the alcohol part (but may be worried about illness or loneliness) while a newcomer may be all shaky inside wondering if they will be able to “make it” over a heavily boozy holiday period without picking up. We need to live in today, but AA also tells us to make sensible plans, so as the Chocolate Santas and Advent Calendars start being stocked up on the shelves in stores all over Gotham City, have you started making plans as to how you will handle the holiday season sober? Do any of you more long-term sober ladies have ideas as to how newcomers can approach the boozy season without relapse?

It may seem a tad early to get into this subject, but for some of us Halloween parties are just around the corner and it only just starts. Many of us have already started preparing menus and making seasonal decorations. The heat is on! Or is it?

Heaven knows the TV and mags are going to bombard us with glamourous, glitzy perfect people and ideal families celebrating perfect parties and ideal dinners in perfect houses in ideal worlds. The rest of us, even beauties, look pretty shabby compared to them. But then, that is fantasy and we are real, and in sobriety we have the wonderful opportunity to step back and say, no, I am not going to be pushed around by false values any more. I’m going to do the best I can with what I have, and that will be good enough.

That is one of my tools – keep my goals realistic. FEAR is False Expectations About Reality, and I can get in a very fearful, anxious state of mind as I plan my part in the holidays and start preparations. Keep it simple. These days my holidays are far from Martha Stewart. Also, I have learned the art of saying “No” to any invitations that I don’t feel comfortable about or to any task I feel put me “over the limit” of my tolerance. Just briefly, other things that help ***me*** stay well include daily devotional study and yoga, nutritional foods and not junk; daily outside exercise no matter the weather, or if impossible, exercise by a sunny window; use my SAD light; good sleep; stay away from negative people as much as possible; journal; take medication as prescribed; stay close to AA in every way, throughout the day.

I’m very interested in anything you all have to say about staying sane and sober over winter, both through the holidays and after them. Any tips? Please be as practical as you can be and any anecdotal experiences of your success would be a plus.

As always, if you need to talk about something else, please do so.

Gratitude

I was at a women’s meeting this morning and was quite moved by the reading and the opening share. Before going to the meeting, I really didn’t know what I was going to share on for this week – honestly! The topics are always so amazing, and I feel like sometimes I don’t have a “good enough” topic. Ok – I admit, I sound like I’m getting into that self-centered, “reverse pride” mode – LOL! Anyhow, the reading and share at the particular meeting that I was at made me think about how much I have to be grateful for, and how easy it was, and sometimes still is, to take my sobriety for granted.

My sobriety is truly a gift. We really are the lucky ones – I have heard that lots of times at meetings. There was a woman who went to outpatient treatment with me in 2012, and I just found out today that she can’t stop drinking. She is supposedly going to an inpatient treatment center. Thanks to my Higher Power who I call God, the A.A. program, and amazing sober women like you ladies, I celebrated 18 months of sobriety. I have worked the Steps up to Step 10, and then I was let go by my sponsor. I am grateful for all of the sponsors that I have had since 2008 – each one of them has guided me and taught me something. For whatever reason, I have had multiple one night relapses along the way. By the grace of God, I have been able to come back to A.A. the next day. I am so grateful that I truly believe now and have fully accepted that I am an alcoholic. I know that if I were to pick up a drink again, I would lose everything! And there is no guarantee that I would be able to come back to A.A.

In order for me to stay sober, I need to change my thinking and behaviors. I am such a slow learner ladies! I go along and do the footwork, do the next right thing – and then I get anxious, overwhelmed, and overcome with fear and self-centeredness. This is dangerous, because I start to take my own will back, and that is when I am most vulnerable to pick up a drink.

This is a program of action, honesty and willingness. I am still looking for the “right” sponsor – one who is spiritual. I’m trying to be open and willing, and I keep praying to God for the right sponsor to come into my life. I am grateful that I have a few ladies that I can call on for guidance and several lady friends in the program!

I am so grateful for this precious gift of sobriety. I never want to take it for granted ever again! I have a disease that tells me that I don’t have a disease! I am grateful that it’s progress not perfection! I am grateful that I don’t want to drink. I am grateful for all of you.

“Try not to live in the wreckage of the FUTURE”

When I meditated on trying to figure out a great topic for this week, I was fortunate to be in a meeting at just the right time to hear just the right phrase that really saved me for that day – something that I use to help myself on a daily basis now. I thought that I would share with you all.

That phrase was “try not to live in the wreckage of the future.” We’ve all heard the phrase “try not to live in the wreckage of the past,” and through doing the steps – especially four and five and eight and nine, we get the ninth step promises. Or at least this alcoholic was able to.

However, 22 years or not, I am still human and still have challenges with dealing with “Just for today.” I am an admitted “projector.” And with everything that I am going through … even tho my last two surgeries were more successful than the surgeons predicted, I still can “catastrophize” anything.

This surgery that I am currently recovering from is the hardest thing, as of date, that I have had to deal with. The pain and the rehab are brutal, and the progress is very slow … very very very slow with two steps forward and one, sometimes two steps back. I am an alkie; I want it now!! And I certainly don’t want to have to work as hard as I have to to gain back what was lost! However, I must to the footwork!

Then the program kicks in … things like, “Just for today,” “progress not perfection,” “It’s the journey not the event,” and “Try not to live in the wreckage of the FUTURE.” I don’t know what my final outcome will be; however, it has been proven to me that my body is a lot stronger then I give it credit for. It just doesn’t heal like a normal person’s body. I have health issues that make it challenging, but not impossible … so … with that … I try to live in today. I celebrate the milestones like, I can finally drive very short distances and cook a bit on my own … and try not to overdo it (which I am good at doing … all or nothing … right?? NOT).

I am still a work in progress. It doesn’t matter that I managed to put 22 years of sobriety together. We all have just TODAY! And just for today, I will “try not to live in the wreckage of my FUTURE.” I will not project my outcomes. That is not my job. That is the job of my HP, and I certainly don’t want that job!!!

How do you stay in today? Are you a projector? Do you live in the wreckage of your FUTURE? I would love to hear your ES&H and again thanks for allowing me to share.

Many Paths to Spirituality

“Newcomers are approaching A.A. at the rate of tens of thousands yearly. They represent almost every belief and attitude imaginable. We have atheists and agnostics. We have people of nearly every race, culture and religion. In A.A. we are supposed to be bound together in the kinship of a common suffering. Consequently, the full individual liberty to practice any creed or principle or therapy whatever should be a first consideration for us all. Let us not, therefore, pressure anyone with our individual or even our collective views. Let us instead accord each other the respect and love that is due to every human being as he tries to make his way toward the light. Let us always try to be inclusive rather than exclusive; let us remember that each alcoholic among us is a member of A.A., so long as he or she so declares.” 
– Bill W. (A.A. Grapevine, July 1965)

“In our meetings people from all walks of life come together with a common purpose. Some members return to their religious roots, others find different spiritual paths. Some may find this “God of their understanding,” yet never become involved with organized religion. Still others make the A.A. group itself their higher power.”

“The first thing I had to do was resign from the debating society. That didn’t mean I started agreeing with everything I heard. It means only that I listened without arguing, used what I could use, and filed the rest for future reference.”

I finished reading a new AA pamphlet that one of our members recently posted. I saved the email for a time when I could read, focus, reflect and absorb. (These simultaneous occurrences don’t happen often! LOL) I have not got much “stuff” to bring to the meeting in terms of a topic, so I was looking outside of myself for some inspiration and the above is what I found. The pamphlet is awesome and if you have not yet read it I encourage you to do so. I have quoted a few lines from the pamphlet. It is lovely and quotes members of many different spiritual backgrounds and just how AA works for them.

It addresses the broad and roomy highway that we as alcoholics have given ourselves in the spiritual realm. My beliefs have changed over the years as I have stayed sober. Not so much in their core, but certainly in the particulars. And while my Higher Power has taken on a new form, the definition remains the same. I am to grow spiritually and seek the light one day at a time. There is work to be done, and that is something I have learned to embrace over the years, for I know it is the work that brings me ever closer to some measure of enlightenment & peace within. The beauty of Alcoholics Anonymous is that I don’t have to “buy” into any stuff. I have only to create my own definition of a power greater than myself. It was vague at first, but that worked for me.

Today was glorious. It began a few days ago as a plan to head to a nearby State Park for some “Leaf Peepin'” with a friend. I thought we would head out early and spend the day together, hiking, etc. Plans changed late the night before, and another friend was invited who could not go until late in the day. At first my buttons were a bit pushed, but you gals have taught me not to speak what first comes to mind. I let the whole thing “steep” in my mind and low and behold I found that I could be flexible, that God was in charge and this was not a case of Alison needing to say what is on her mind, but to sit back and relax and take it easy and let the day unfold. The thought occurred to me that perhaps my Higher Power was using me to be of service to someone else. It was a fun time with two friends, and the Fall colors were magical here in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. We ladies had a lovely time, I got to know someone a bit better and just be open and flexible.

That is an example of dancing with others that I believe our spiritual quest in AA brings us to at some point if we can remain receptive. No agendas, no pushing the outcome, letting my Higher Power reveal to me (if anything) what I am to do next. I don’t have to push my spiritual agenda on others, and I find that my tolerance in the rooms of AA has made me more tolerant outside the rooms. Perhaps you can share about your own experience of the broad and roomy highway. I love to hear about your path to spirituality.

The ABCs

The ABCs are the topic for the week.

a – that we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives 
b – that probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism 
c – that God could and would if He were sought.

When I got to AA, I was full-blown alcoholic, a daily drinker, angry, hopeless, lonely, full of fear, and desperate. But, I knew nothing about the disease of alcoholism. I learned about it by sitting in meetings and listening to people share about their recovery. I related to just about everyone in some way, and I got some hope that I too could recover once I accepted that I had this disease, whether I wanted it or not.

You also told me that you could not cure me, I had to do my own work, but there was lots of help if I asked for it and was willing to take direction and do what you did. I had a wonderful sponsor who showed me what she did as we read the Big Book together. Finally, I had to learn to trust God and put my reliance there. I started to pray in the morning and at night, something I still do. Daily, I got a reprieve from drinking and gradually things got better as I stayed sober and worked the 12 steps.

As a result of being a member of AA, today I have complete trust that God “could and would if He were sought.” I love my sober life and treasure all of the adventures – easy ones, hard ones, happy ones, sad ones, failures and successes. It all adds up to growth and a life I could not have dreamed.

I am anxious to hear others share about their experience with the ABC’s.

Sponsorship

I chose the topic of sponsorship, because I recently started working with a newcomer. It’s been about two years since I’ve worked with a sponsee. I am very grateful to be able to share with her what was given to me!

I read somewhere the acronym for S.P.O.N.S.O.R. is Sober, Practical, Noble, Spiritual, Open-minded, Respectful. The A.A. Pamphlet on Sponsorship states that “sponsorship is Twelfth Step work, but it is also continuing responsibility for helping a newcomer adjust to a way of life without alcohol.”

At first I thought there is no way that I am going to have time to sponsor this woman! My sponsor has been encouraging me to talk to newcomers and get their phone numbers. I’m so grateful that I have been doing that, and that I called this woman that I had met at my home group. The next thing I know, I was setting up a time to meet with her for coffee. I know that it wasn’t me doing this- my Higher Power was helping me! I truly believe that God puts people in my life for a reason.

I’ve been sharing with her what my sponsor has shared with me. I’ve suggested the readings in the Big Book that I read every day and several prayers that were suggested to me. She calls me every morning at around the same time. We’ve been meeting every week for an hour. We started reading from the Big Book- from the very beginning, and I read to her which is how my sponsor does it.

In the sponsorship line that I am in, there are sets of “homework” questions that we answer. So I’ve already had her do the first set of questions. We’ve been going so far to one meeting a week together. Hopefully there will be others that we can go together. She is still in outpatient treatment and prior to that was away at rehab.

At first I kept worrying about how am I going to help her. I realize that it’s not just me- it’s the entire program of A.A. that helps our sponsees, and of course their Higher Power. All I can do is share my experience, strength and hope. I pray for her every day, but I know that I can’t keep her sober.

Working with other alcoholics has helped me so much in the past with my own sobriety. I have to say that with my last sponsee though, I did end up relapsing. I have written an amends letter to her, and I will eventually be making a face-to-face amends to her. At that time I was not as far with my amends nor was I as thorough. I know that I have to keep doing the foot-work and not rest on my laurels!

I am grateful for sponsorship- both ways- for being sponsored and for being able to sponsor. My sobriety will be strengthened when I give it away. So dear sober sisters, I would like to hear how sponsorship has strengthened your sobriety, any challenges you have faced during sponsorship, how you sponsor other women, or anything else that is on your mind.

Healthy Relationships

At this point in my life I am doing some major reconstruction in my primary relationship and my living circumstances. My kids are telling me I am having a mid-life crisis. It almost sounds like a joke, but living in it, I know it’s not. It feels like life is taking a hard left. So for today’s topic I would like to suggest Healthy Relationships. Here is a quote from a book I am reading which really puts some issues I am having in perspective.

You are able to nurture and grow others in a way that promotes their emotional well being and spiritual growth and that promotes their taking responsibility for themselves there by increasing their self-esteem.

When you love yourself, you are able to nurture yourself, focus on your own emotional and spiritual growth, and take responsibility for yourself – thereby increasing your own sense of self-esteem. When a partner asks for acts of intimacy or support from the other, each person can say yes or no in a healthy way without the other partner being diminished. The self-esteem of each individual blossoms when nurtured in a healthy relationship.

I am currently participating in a women’s group where we are reading Drop the Rock and focusing on Steps 6 and 7, to help me through this period. I am sharing regularly with my sponsors, one face-to-face and one online. I am also reaching out to many women who have been and are in my life today.

This prayer also seems to fit my situation, and I use it also: “God, I offer myself to Thee — to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always!” (Big Book pg. 63)

Where are your relationships – with yourself, with your higher power, and with others? Of course, if there is anything you need to talk about please share.

Using the tools of the program

One of the folks at my morning meeting said something that struck me, and I’d love to hear what sort of recovery thoughts you have about it. My friend was sharing about what she does in seemingly impossible situations, and she said something like:

“I have to pick up the AA tools that I see, even when they don’t necessarily seem like strong tools at the time.”

That reminded me of something I’ve been doing lately. Now, I have lots and lots of personal evidence that “prayer works,” but somehow, sometimes, prayer seems like such an unlikely answer to me. I mean – I know that if I follow the directions in (I think it’s Freedom from Bondage) one of the stories in the back of the Big Book that recommends praying for 2 weeks for someone whom we have a resentment against, the resentment will go away. I know that, I’ve done it so many times, and IT ALWAYS WORKS but when I’m running around on my own, and I think about prayer, it kind of hides in its own meekness.

It just doesn’t “look” like a strong or likely tool to me. Yet, I’ve been practicing praying, out loud, every morning as I drive to work or to other things, for all the people I can think of, starting with those whom I am feeling not so great about. And I calm down. And I remember how to practice the principles of the program.

So, I’m wondering which tool or tools seem (or have seemed) like “weak” tools, but that when you use them have turned out to be very powerful.

The Next Right Thing

Today I took care of business: I bought health insurance (my first in 15 years). In order to renew my Turkish residence permit this year, insurance is required. In the past I would have boiled over with resentment, moaned about spending the money, and done nothing until it was almost too late. Today, I did the next right thing. Or the next indicated thing, as someone in GROW so beautifully put it.

I recently celebrated one year sober and my willingness to take care of the business of living is the biggest change I’ve noticed in myself. I’m starting to believe that doing the next indicated thing is enough to get me through the rest of my life. I don’t feel the need to collect praise for *accomplishments* anymore. I want to take care of stuff.instead of waking up to find I can’t have a hot shower because there is no gas.

Although *do the next right thing* kept me doing laundry, cooking dinner and attending meetings, up until quite recently I would have tried to get my boyfriend to refill the gas card. Or call the embassy to see what kind of insurance I needed. In other words, I am in the habit of enlisting other people to take care of things I really don’t want to do. I feel entitled to have others take care of me. Who knew?

This behavior was invisible to me before last week! Every time I read a GROW share that starts: “It wasn’t until I was 5 years sober that I realized.” I have to take a breath. And remember that HP is giving me just what I can handle today. So I’m gearing up for more surprise revelations down the road!

What was the most amazing change you went through your first year sober? What were some of the behaviors or realizations that took longer to uncover? Thank you for letting me be of service. I look forward to your esh.

Stopping the Insanity

Lately I have been working through a paralyzing fear of doing anything right and the crazy part is that I am an entrepreneur who should be fearless and welcome any opportunities to grow. However lately it is different.

I live by myself and I am a very capable lady of doing anything that needs to be done except whether it is with my own business or fixing my home…I just stall and feel like everything is closing in on me. It is agonizing and very frightening…and I struggle.

Then I find myself doing the same dance of reaching out to those that are unavailable. I just want that hug to say it is ok except I go to my ex for this. Hello…he is an ex for a reason. He is incapable of doing that and it is unfair of me in making him into something he isn’t.

This is the insanity…doing the same dance expecting something different. In this state I feel very alone.

And why in the hell am I here even after 15 years of recovery? It doesn’t matter about the years I have, it takes what it takes and in this case it comes down to fear, plain and simple.

So, as I have learned, I need to face this fear head-on like I am right now.

In a wonderful book that I used regularly (Daily Reflections)…I looked up “fear” and this passage spoke to me.

———

From Daily Reflections, July 6, p.196
Identifying Fear…
The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear…
– Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p 76

When I feel uncomfortable, irritated, or depressed, I look for fear. This “evil and corroding thread” is the root of my distress: Fear of failure, fear of others’ opinions; fear of harm, and many other fears. I have found a Higher Power who does not want me to live in fear and, as a result, the experience of AA in my life is freedom and joy. I am no longer willing to live with the multitude of character defects that characterized my life while I was drinking. Step Seven is my vehicle to freedom from these defects. I pray for help in identifying the fear underneath the defect, then I ask God to relieve me of that fear. This method works for me without fail and is one of the great miracles of my life in Alcoholics Anonymous.

————

This is how it works and it is about progress, not perfection. I now see my insanity and I have a choice…to walk down the same road or choose a different path. Saying it is the simple part…the action is the hard part.

So today I embrace its beauty, turn to my higher power and know I am not alone in facing my fears.

I am on a journey with fellow travelers each realizing our own fullest potential. Thank you for the gift of you.

Giving Thanks for Tough Times

Though I still find it difficult to accept today’s pain and anxiety with any great degree of serenity – as those more advanced in the spiritual life seem to be able to do – I can give thanks for the present pain nevertheless. I find the willingness to do this by contemplating the lessons learned from past suffering – lessons which have led to the blessings I now enjoy. I can remember how the agonies of alcoholism, the pain of rebellion and thwarted pride, have often led me to God’s grace, and so to a new freedom. 
Grapevine, March 1962

Thank you to GROW for giving me the opportunity to be of service this week and helping me to celebrate another day sober.

In all honesty, with my connection to my home f2f group at an all-time low and having finally admitted I am harbouring a deep-seated resentment with the God of my understanding (that led me back in March 2007 to a 15-hour drinking binge and the beginning of an 18-month period hitting bottom), I am now hanging on by a thread. I am very grateful to GROW for providing the support and guidance I need at this time.

It has been suggested that I pray to my HP to help lift my resentment which I am doing earnestly, and my early foundation of going to meetings no matter what is helping my feet and the rest of me to get there. I am grateful for these tools which are right now saving my butt.

This morning I decided to get out my only bit of hope for sanity and sobriety – the literature. Since I was a child I have found a safe haven in books, and I didn’t realise until I came into AA that this would be a line of communication where all else fails, I can still hold on to something. I opened “As Bill Sees It” randomly, and there it was: the passage I needed to read.

I have been thinking of all the times when I felt like there was nothing left, no hope, no possibility for an end in sight… like the time I came to AA and thought I’d be turned away as just another loony, or in sobriety when it was a struggle to get up every day, or when I thought I’d never have a relationship with my family. Each time, I’ve been shown that solutions arrive. Just not how or when I expect them to. But they do come *if I surrender.*

Moreover, I’ve had to learn a little about myself. What are my patterns? How do I sabotage including beating myself up? What have I had to let go? What did I have to accept? What is my level of self-honesty?

My latest trial is teaching me that I can only rest my sober life on faith and that my HP knows what he/she/it is doing, even though a part of me is crying out ‘you’re wrong, you’re so wrong.’ I look back at previous occasions and realise, ‘ok… so you had a point, you were right.’

So I guess I’m getting to another stage of trust in my relationship with my HP and that only life’s lessons can teach me that. Having gratitude for pain is so new for me – but I guess this is when I need to learn this, whilst still in pain.

As I write this I realise, I’m so glad I got to pick this week’s topic. Through gritted teeth I realise I have to be teachable again and perhaps my new experiences will benefit others. I am thankful… finally 🙂

What lessons have you had to learn in sobriety when going through tough times – habits, behaviours, attitudes, communications? How has this affected your relationship with your HP if you choose to have one? Or perhaps as an agnostic/ atheist, how you cope with life sober?

Freedom From Fear

This quote from “As Bill Sees It” is the one I have chosen as our topic this week. As many of you know I have been dealing with some health issues which have been increasing for the past while and while I thought that I had achieved, for the most part, freedom from fear I have found that it has been an underlying corrosive thread which has raised it’s ugly head once more.

“The achievement of freedom from fear is a lifetime undertaking, one that can never be wholly completed. When under heavy attack, acute illness, or in other conditions of serious insecurity, we shall all react to this emotion – well or badly, as the case may be. Only the self-deceived will claim perfect freedom from fear.” (page 263)

I personally know of a few people on this list that are dealing with health issues on a daily basis and I can only speak for myself but there have been days when the fear has taken hold and had its death grip on my heart and soul. I will state unequivocally that I am not afraid of death itself, it is the dying in pain that the fear comes from. Some days I can stay in the moment and be okay right where I am, but there are other days when I am off into the future whining that “it is going to be like this forever*.

I try to remind myself of what my past sponsor told me before she died “we have to accept where we are right now and hopefully build on that”. She would remind me that we are never given more than we can handle in a 24 hour period. Sometimes I doubt that, but so far with God’s help and that of my fellow travellers I have made it through with a modicum of peace.

This program gave me a life and it is up to me to live it to God’s will and his service for as long as I can. I can look back at my life from the vantage point of my years (77 tomorrow) and realize that it is only by God’s grace that I have made it this far with my mind still functioning and my body not in a worse state that it is because I know for a fact that the illnesses I have been contending with are a product of the lifestyle I lived, not only in my drinking years but before and into sobriety. God has been good to me and I thank Him daily for my life.

I am sure that there are others here that are going through their own brand of fear, not just health but other things and I would like to hear how you handle it on a daily basis. What gets you through? Of course feel free to talk about what ever troubles you at the moment.

Step One

Upon arriving to AA, I was done drinking and wanted to find help around the tables. I was surprised to discover how often I identified with the men and women in the fellowship. It took a few months to completely accept powerlessness over alcohol.

I remember the day, time, and location where my head and my heart met. My sponsor asked me, “Nicole, have you completely accepted that are powerless over alcohol?” Having a belief in a God of my understanding did not help me to sober up. It took reaching that moment where I heard the little voice say “it’s time” before seeking out help. It was only then that I was willing to allow God to do for me what I couldn’t do for myself.

Have you conceded to your innermost self that you were alcoholic? If so, how did you lose the obsession over alcohol?

Truth in Sobriety

My choice of topic has been influenced by particular events and before I say much more, I would like to pay tribute in this share to the memory of Pat O. A charismatic, yet gentle spiritual man with an amazing service record in AA. Pat suicided with forty-three years of continuous sobriety. It saddens me deeply to tell you that nobody saw it coming.

Pat O was one of the first people I met when, after drinking and drugging from age 13 to 31, I walked into the rooms of AA. In those early years I remember listening so gratefully to all the things he shared about his story and the lessons he had learned.

I have been sober now longer than I was practicing and thank God for this miracle one day at a time. I am grateful that these days my challenges do not relate to thinking about drinking or not drinking.

I know with all my heart that the disease of addiction is just under the surface and always will be, that my worst day sober is still better than my best day drinking, and no matter who is sharing about alcoholism I can always relate to the emotions and those instincts run amok being spoken about.

The illusion, delusion, and obsession is part of me just as it is written about so often in the Big Book. With this in mind, I take a deep breath before making the following comments. Once I might have said whatever might be most popular, the cool thing, or the right thing. Today I know there is only one thing I can say, and that’s the real thing. What goes around in my head! Anything else will not keep me sober. So here goes.

There are some days where I can scarcely reconcile who I am now with who I was pre-AA. The memories are hazy and it is like I am talking about someone else. On those days, talking about it feels more like living in the problem than the solution, and I tend toward silence because I am reluctant to dredge up the memories.

I find myself wondering what kind of challenges Pat O had in his recovery. Things he did not speak of. So in my recovery there are those living day to day kind of concerns, and challenges like making the time commitment to go through the Big Book and the steps again with a new sponsor (because I know I need to), or being vigilant for other kinds of sabotage in sobriety.

I have to work on remaining enthusiastic and on task throughout the long work hours in my chosen career while my brain is sending out urgent messages, trying to kick start my one remaining ovary with next to no estrogen left in my body. And a new turn up very recently has been dealing with the addiction to sugar and wheat that I let slip under the radar for so long. That is a different story full of triggers and emotional discomfort, although it has common threads within our disease of addiction and the same dependence on a power greater than me.

I have been thinking a lot about Pat O and I think those who have been in AA for years can just be so very vulnerable. We are all newcomers to the current challenges in our lives. I do so often feel distant from my drinking days and I am glad about that. I wish there was some way to say this without sounding so ungrateful, but sometimes, I just get tired of talking about my life as it relates to alcoholism.

I can always relate in a meeting but sometimes it just doesn’t feel like enough. I find myself asking is that all there is? How else could I have spent my time? I give heart-felt thanks every day, and yet it is almost like I have other changing needs and issues in sobriety that take my focus.

When I look around the rooms, I do not see any of the people I got sober with. Over the years many have relapsed and have not returned, while others have simply drifted away. Recently I was reading an article about a well-known celebrity with twenty years in recovery who has re-admitted himself back into rehab. To fine tune his sobriety, he says, and to seek more growth along spiritual lines. Yes, yes! I can relate to that, it is relevant to me.

Because I am so grateful for my sobriety however, and so aware of my responsibility to help keep the doors open for the newcomer, I hesitate before complaining or sharing in what might be considered a step away from our singleness of purpose. There is a trend I think, for longer sober members to share in a way that helps the newcomer to identify.

Who speaks left or right of centre, of living challenges like pain medication, menopause and depression, the challenge of keeping recovery fresh outside of AA, day in and day out (with no long service leave), or the little nagging things that knock on the door where my disease of addiction lives.

For me, I try to stay upbeat, positive and grateful, so I rarely speak of these things in a meeting. And often it doesn’t occur to me to ask another longer sober member if they are getting enough sleep, if they have a sponsor or have enough phone numbers. Or perhaps ask how they are they currently practicing step eleven. At present, I am grateful to have all of those things, although I haven’t always had them.

I think what I am trying to say is that if we make a bee line for the new comer, attend meetings, say sensible and or potentially inspiring things born of trial and error, serve and sponsor, determined to ensure that the hand of AA is always there for the newcomer, are we making sure to give equal time to discovering how to take best care of ourselves beyond what might be suggested or looking out for other longer time members?

AA needs all of us, whether we are sober an hour, a day, a decade, or more. With permission, I mention a woman I am coming to know, who recalls serving in an ever-increasing capacity to the point of resentment and relapse at fifteen years. She was out for three years and found she just could not put the drink down. Thankfully, a spiritual experience brought her home again.

It is said we can judge any society by how it treats its older folk. Do we look our longer sober members (not necessarily older) in the eye and ask them what is going on for them right now. And listen intently for their truth. Perhaps my point simply illustrates the need for an engaged sponsor and an active network regardless of how long we have been in the fellowship.

As a topic for discussion and exploration this week I pose the following questions.

If as a longer sober member you found yourself struggling, isolating and keeping it to yourself, who in AA would truly know you well enough to see through your words and call you on it? Does attending meetings and serving within the fellowship fulfill all of your needs and desires for growth? Are you really honest about your challenges today when you share at meetings or does our singleness of purpose limit your sharing (what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now)? Are you addressing every issue that may impact you and subsequently your disease of addiction? And if you are new to the fellowship, what do you expect your sober life might be like in a couple of years from now? Perhaps in five years, ten years or twenty.

What kind of impression do you get from those who seem to have been around forever? Do they seem to have it together? Do you suspect or expect that living sober gets easier with time? I invite you to join with me in a discussion about what Truth in Sobriety means to you, or to write about anything else that may come up for you.

Our Old Ideas

I’m writing this share right now in Door County, Wisconsin. I am here for several days with my husband and two children. I attempted to go to a meeting tonight, and it turns out that the meeting no longer exists. I called a lady from the AA Hotline here in Door County and asked her about it. She was very nice, and apologized that the meeting no longer exists, but that it was never removed from the directory or the website. So here I am, at a “meeting” with you all, and I feel better already!

So the topic of “our old ideas” spoke to me these past couple of weeks. In “How It Works”: “With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition p.58).

I completed my 5th Step last week with my sponsor. First we met for most of the day, and I read my entire inventory to her. It also included my “Fact vs Fear” list and what my “ideal” relationship with my husband would look like. We broke for an hour, and I prayed to my Higher Power, who I call God, if there was anything I needed to add to my list. I did think of a few more resentments and a few more fears. I wrote about them at a later date, and my sponsor and I met a second time for an additional 5th Step.

My sponsor had written down a list of my “Old Ideas” based on what I had read to her from my 4th Step. What a wake-up call! I can honestly say that I wasn’t shocked or surprised to read about them. I am realizing more and more what kind of twisted thinking and behaving I’ve been exhibiting all of these years – even after I stopped drinking. Even though I know what they are, that is not enough. Now comes the most difficult part- I have to take action and change my thinking and behaviors. I have to let go of them and change, otherwise I will surely drink again!

Some of my “old ideas” are: I don’t need to be rigorously honest; rules don’t apply to me; AA is not the solution; people are responsible for my happiness; if I avoid men, I will be a faithful wife; I can’t ask for help; people will leave me; I am entitled to whatever I want without having to work for it; looking good is the solution; attention (especially from men) is the solution; and many others.

In order for me to change and keep growing, I need to continue to work the steps. My sponsor wants me to start writing three amends letters a week. Part of me says: UGHH!! Are you kidding me?? But I know that in order for me to really change my behavior – to let go of my “old ideas” and truly have solid emotional sobriety, I have to do the work! It will result in me having a closer relationship with my Higher Power – I really believe this, and a much better relationship with my family, friends, co-workers, neighbors.

Being Here

Page 113 of the AA book, Came to Believe, says this:

“The nondrinking alcoholic discovers in AA that you cannot Get Ahead until you learn to be Here. We discover from our Serenity Prayer that one of the things we cannot change is time. The Here-and-Now is the only reality, whereas in the unreal world of the drinking alcoholic there was only yesterday-and-tomorrow.”

This coincides with a saying I have on my bulletin board: The ego seeks the destination; the soul seeks the journey.

Accepting what is now, staying in this moment, has forever baffled me. However, when I first read the saying that is on my bulletin board, I made a giant step towards getting it. I can conceptualize my ego from my soul — the part of me that sees myself as different / separate from others (ego) from the part of me that sees us all as one (as in “of one value”).

The ego side of me charges forth to the destination of accomplishments to gather evidence for my badge of okay-ness. All the while my spiritual-self knows that I’m already okay simply because I’m a child of God. (As is every other human on the planet.) Maybe the point of my life on the planet is to — simply — grapple with life here for a while and not so much figure out what to do, or say, or sing, or write to make me okay. I’ll stop here before I overstate (which I’m very good at).

Thank you for attending this week’s meeting. Please write whatever reaction you have to anything I’ve written or — as always — please share what you need to help you in your recovery.

Journey From Self-Hate

When I was drinking no one, and I mean no one, could hate me as much as I hated myself. This hate was fostered when I was a child growing up without my father and with a venomous stepfather. The world wasn’t much less venomous. I was smart, tall, and wore glasses, so I was constantly made fun of by my peers and strangers. I tried to put up a good front, but inwardly I was full of festering hatred for myself. Becoming an adult and beginning to drink to excess made the situation so much worse. I would look in the mirror and scowl. I was literally disgusted by what I saw. I’m not an ugly person, yet inwardly I was hideous.

Time went by and I became this hideously deformed creature, and the hatred bubbled to the top of the surface. It was now peppered in my words, actions, and expressions. I kept losing friends. I was so alone. I spent years in turmoil. I couldn’t see one good thing about myself, not one redeeming quality.

My misery made anyone around me miserable. They could see the hate. I couldn’t. I was so blind to what it had been doing to me all those years and how it had contributed to my drinking. I had no self-respect, no self-image that was an iota positive. I’m unsure exactly when it happened; but, by some point I could no longer look at myself in the mirror.

All of this certainly contributed to my feeling that I lacked worthiness to be saved. I felt I was right where I deserved to be. It took the love of a man, a man who saw who I really was and could be, to knock sense into me. His love made me put down the margarita and say, “That’s it. No more. I want more than this. I need help.”

I sought out help in AA and immediately felt something I had never felt in all other groups: acceptance. Acceptance for me exactly as I was. I was in tears. I’d never, never felt accepted in my entire life. It took until age 36 before I felt it. Then I learned about the Steps and how they are used to retrain our brain and attitudes. I learned in sobriety I could learn to like myself. I’m afraid I didn’t believe that at first and for a while. I had SO much hatred!

In time I became a new person.a person I truly like and love. I can look at myself in the mirror now and even smile. I’ve come so far it’s bringing me to tears. All the misery is gone and replaced with love and joy. I have bad days like anyone; but, I never dislike myself. I’m no longer ugly inside and what’s brimming on the surface now is happiness, true happiness. God is responsible for that, fully and completely. And I’m grateful for my first sponsor who accepted me and included me in her little group of women. She taught me so much and stays with me today.

What has your journey been like?

The Fourth Dimension

“We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed.” -There Is a Solution, Alcoholics Anonymous

I love this sentence in the Big Book, and I was hoping some of you amazing ladies would share on what it means to you. Have you been rocketed to the fourth dimension? Have you found much of heaven in sobriety? Is it different than what you imagined?

I’m Julie M., and I am definitely an alcoholic. I’m grateful to be chairing this meeting. When I first heard this sentence read, I was in rehab, and I couldn’t even understand what the Big Book was talking about. The only way I had ever been rocketed anywhere was through addiction, and I didn’t believe that sobriety could bring me health, let alone heaven.

If only I had known how wrong I was! But at 19 years old, during my first attempt at sobering up, I had no idea about anything. For some reason, that sentence stuck with me, though. I’ve heard it time and time again, sometimes when spiritually fit, sometimes when not, always with a sense of hope attached to it.

When I came into AA after my last relapse, I was Empty: spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically empty. I had nothing left, no excuses and no friends. I was 23 years old and I couldn’t take it anymore. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I had lost myself so completely that I had to rebuild my life step by step, moment by moment. I had to learn how to live, from basic things like what to eat, to big emotional issues like who to date and when to end a relationship. Before getting sober, the only way I knew how to end a relationship was to cheat on someone, then get drunk and tell them about it.

Part of the fourth dimension of existence that I inhabit today is my relationship with my husband. On Monday, June 30, we will be married 2 years, and I requested to chair this meeting because it was close to my anniversary and my marriage, to me, is a beautiful reminder of how much I’ve grown in this program.

When I met my husband, I had just under three years of sobriety. I feel like I’ve grown up with him, because in a way I have. My life today is not fabulous or perfect all the time, but it’s honest and true and real. I have a family all my own. I have a job that I love more than anything in the world. I have friends, and I am a friend.

This is my heaven – it’s right-sized for me, and in it I stay humble. I have found myself over the past seven years of my sobriety. Some of what I have found is not pretty, and some of it is just surprising! But it’s all based on truth that I discovered through the Steps and my HP.

This fourth dimension I’ve been rocketed into is nothing like what I imagined. When I got sober, I dreamed of a big, fancy life with a big, fancy job. In sobriety, I discovered that what I needed wasn’t big or fancy. What I need is to live this program to the best of my ability, and sometimes that means donating my last dollar. Sometimes that means admitting I’m wrong.

Most days, my program is a simple matter of HOW: honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. I hope this topic resonates with some of you, and that you all have a lovely 24 hours ahead! Thanks for letting me share.

Service

I have chosen ‘Service’ as my topic this week in memory and appreciation of how my AA journey started 25 years ago.

Being of service in AA is something to which we can all relate from the minute we start showing up at meetings and sharing at the tables. From there, the possibilities and opportunities for service are many. Thank heaven for all of those alkies who came before me to keep AA going and growing! Without their service, who knows where I’d be today?

From the get-go, my first sponsor gave me a great picture of how alcoholics pass on to others what they’ve been given. At my 6-month sober mark, she and her husband took me to a meeting in a correctional institute for men that they set up every week and had been doing so for a number of years.

Although I was a bit leery at first, the meeting was worth it (driving through a snowstorm, getting checked out by a guard, and drinking whatever it was that they called, “Coffee” LOL). To see a rough, tough-looking group of guys sitting up, paying attention and sharing was an eye-opener for me. Grant you, some of them were likely not alcoholics but they were there and were well-behaved. (I half-expected trouble of some sort but that didn’t happen.) Because of this experience, a few years later I applied for, and received, clearance at the women’s correctional institute to help put on meetings there once a month (groups in the area rotated on chairing the meetings). However, once I realized that this was not the best kind of service work for me, I stopped going and continued with my service at the group level.

During my first 6 months, I learned how important it was to participate in service to my group. ‘Someone’ had to open the church, make coffee, set up the meeting, pass out the books at the discussion meetings and put them away again, clean up after the meeting, and lock the doors.

I volunteered to make coffee for 3 months and was paired up with someone to show me the ropes. That was a fun time for me. I made fast friends with the set-up people and my co-coffee person, and really got to know the people who always arrived early to the meetings. Once the coffee was made, I’d go outside to have a smoke and shoot the breeze with whoever was out there.

After the coffee pots were cleaned and put away, a group of us would then go out for coffee and a light snack. I heard lots of great and horror stories at those after-meeting meetings and came to realize that those AAers weren’t saints but were very much like myself. It helped me even more to realize that I finally fit in somewhere – here with a bunch of drunks/good people who I would never have met if I were not an alcoholic.

I took the risk and began to share at meetings. I had a sponsor (a lady who had what I wanted) who encouraged me to share with others about how I got sober and how my life had changed. As a result, I was privileged to sponsor women, most of whom are still sober today.

For many years, I’ve been involved in AA online (email) groups and have held positions such as Secretary, Listkeeper, Birthday Announcer, and Business Chair. Also, as part of my giving back to AA, I maintained and updated the Toronto Intergroup Meetings on their Website which involved approximately 400 meetings.

I am also an online sponsor and enjoy the challenges and joys of working with sponsees.

Part of my service also involves donating to the 7th Tradition in order to help keep AA alive. Because I go to very few f2f meetings any more, I contribute annually during Gratitude Month in our area. Also, I have the opportunity to contribute financially to GROW on a monthly basis when the 7th Tradition is passed in order to cover expenses such as list server, website fees, and contributions to the General Service Office of AA.

In AA, we learn that the more we give away, the more we receive. Have you started your service work yet? I would like to hear from each of you about how you got started in service and the rewards/blessings you have received or are receiving as a result. I look forward to hearing from you.

Willingness, Patience and Labor

In looking for a topic, I found this paragraph from Chapter 11, A Vision For You, from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (page 162-3.)

“Thus we grow. And so can you, though you be but one man with this book in your hand. We believe and hope it contains all you will need to begin. We know what you are thinking. You are saying to yourself: “I’m jittery and alone. I couldn’t do that.” But you can. You forget that you have just now tapped a source of power much greater than yourself. To duplicate, with such backing, what we have accomplished is only a matter of willingness, patience and labor.”

Willingness, patience and labor. These were skills that I did not possess prior to coming to these rooms. I was irritable and discontent, to say the least. I was rigid and impatient. I wasn’t doing to do any work. I did the minimum, I did enough to get by… I was afraid of failing, and I was afraid of succeeding. I didn’t realize that all my defects were rooted in fear. I don’t know where the fear came from. But as I drank more and more, the fear grew more and more.

I am so grateful that when I entered these rooms, I was desperate enough to follow suggestions. I was able to listen to what you all had to say. I didn’t have to pray to be willing, I didn’t have to pray to be patient. I was told that I had to do the work and it would happen. And it did. A miracle!

By working the steps, I have developed a relationship with the God of my understanding. I no longer feel alone. What a gift! What’s even better about this feeling I have today, is that it keeps growing. By doing the next right thing, the peace and serenity grows day to day… Some days it may not be as strong, but I don’t worry. I pray for willingness, patience and love. Life happens and today I trust that if I stay the course, I will be ok.

Please share on growing in willingness, patience and or labor. Or whatever may be on your mind. Thank you!

Change vs. Complacency

“Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.” page 84 Alcoholics Anonymous. There are so many references to change in the Big Book. When I came into AA, I had no idea that it was so much more than just quitting drinking. I knew that I had problems with anxiety and depression and thought that I could just drink to self-medicate. I didn’t realize at the time that my thinking was self-centered, selfish, and warped. AA has given me an “Attitude Adjustment.”

I’ve had to change my “playmates and playgrounds.” For me, it works best if I stay away from slippery slopes. I still have a long way to go. I just completed my 4th Step for which I am so grateful! As I go through more of the Steps with my sponsor, I will continue to grow more in this program and can hopefully maintain a positive, helpful attitude. With this “new” attitude, I need to continue to carry the message and constantly look for opportunities to be of service.

“Change we must; we cannot stand still.” from “As Bill Sees It,” page 25. This is such a good reminder that I cannot be complacent! I need to be active in AA. This is a program of action that we hear all of the time. When I start putting other things before AA and make excuses for not going to meetings, that should be a red flag for me. This past week I was not going to hardly any meetings, and I was procrastinating completing my 4th Step. My anxiety began to increase, and I felt more overwhelmed. I went to my homegroup today, and I felt so much better.

Ladies, I would love to hear what you have to say. Please feel free to share on what changes you have had to go through in AA and what that has meant for you in sobriety and also if you have had times of complacency in your AA program.

Bondage of Self

The Buddha said that Self is the cause of all suffering. Krishna said that the Self is our worst enemy and our best friend. A dear AA friend said, “I may not be much, but I’m all I ever think about.” I think all of those quotes apply to me.

I believed this for many years, but I couldn’t seem to do anything about it until I finally put down the bottle, worked the 12 steps, and made recovery my top priority. Doing the steps helped me see that the more I focused on *me,* my needs and desires, my pain and disappointments, and my image, the less happy I was. AA and the steps taught me that the more I stay out of Self, the less unhappy I am.

I think “I may not be much, but I’m all I ever think about” could be the best self-description. Even today, it’s true. But today, I know that devoting mySelf to serving my HP and serving him through others is the only way to stop thinking about me.

AA has taught me that what others think of me is none of my business. It’s taught me that what *I* think of me is none of my business. Focusing on me, for me, inevitably means focusing on my disappointments in life, my shortcomings, what I want that I lack, and how life has generally let me down. It is always about Self-esteem. It always ends there.

AA teaches me that the only thing that is important is that I do the right thing one day at a time. Focusing on others leads me to recognize how fortunate I am, the positive contributions I make, what I have rather than what I lack, how beautiful my HP is, and how I am loved. Focusing on the needs of others keeps me sober.

Now, to be honest, I am not very successful at moving the spotlight of my mind away from Self and onto Others. It is hard work, and it takes a lot of practice. But the rewards motivate me to keep trying. And isn’t that what it’s all about? Practice, not perfection.

Please share with us this week about what “bondage of self” means to you and your sobriety.

Belief in a Higher Power

For today’s topic I have chosen our society’s journey into the realm of a Spiritual Awakening through our belief in a Higher Power.

Chapter 4 in the Big Book, pp. 47-52, We Agnostics, debates this: “… we did not have to consider another’s conception of God; our own however inadequate was sufficient to make the approach and effect a contact with Him.” Then, “… as soon as we admitted the possible existence of a Creative Intelligence and a Spirit of the Universe underlying the totality of things we began to possess a new power and direction provided that we took other simple steps. We found that God does not make too hard terms on those who seek him. To us the reality of the spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek; it is open we believe to all men.

Later  our ideas did not work. But the God idea did.”

Perhaps read Chapter 4 for the first time or read it again and recount how you came to believe in the Power needed for a spiritual experience; we learned that power could be a great figure: Jesus Christ, Mohammed, Moses or a peasant, a doorknob or even the Alcoholics Anonymous Group. No edict says we must believe in God to be a member of AA.

Tell us how you came to believe and whether your concept of God is changing.

Living the Serenity Prayer

I chose this topic because since I admitted I was an alcoholic to the point of reaching out for help and going into rehab, the Serenity Prayer has many times been my lifeline. Being raised a strict Catholic all my life and attending 12 years of Catholic school and one summer at a convent thinking I would become a nun (for my Dad), I am sure somewhere along the line I had heard the Serenity Prayer, but it was not at all what I knew until I went into rehab. We gathered together, held hands and said this prayer often in rehab.

When I got out of rehab and went back to work I used the prayer often as I had to deal with pricing alcohol on a daily basis and I would say the Serenity Prayer over and over.

Then one night, I was sitting at home wanting to pick up that drink so I immediately starting saying the Serenity Prayer very slowly and dissecting what I was saying. God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change. I could not change the fact that I was an alcoholic and I could not ever pick up another drink no matter what, and I could not change people, places or things.

The Courage to change the things I can. To me that meant changing within myself and not trying to change situations that were beyond me. I could only change my thoughts, feelings and emotions maybe brought on by other people, places and things.

And the Wisdom to know the difference. Your will God not mine be done. This part was a toughie for me at first because I did not know where that wisdom was going to come from. Then it was like a spiritual awakening for me when something happened, and God gave me the answer through another person. Wow that was the wisdom, going to meetings getting a sponsor, working the steps, committing to service work, but most important of all this was surrendering my life and giving my will to the God of my understanding, and he in turn would give me that wisdom to know the difference.

One day at a time and living the Serenity Prayer has truly gotten me to where I am in my program today. It has made the tough times so much easier, the sad times and the good times. When I say the Serenity Prayer every morning and every night and often times during the day it helps me so much to live life on life’s terms. Now I am by no means perfect at this, but I put as much into it as I can.

Thank you ladies for allowing me to chair this week and being such a big part of my journey in sobriety and the beautiful spiritual life I have gained from being an alcoholic. Please share on this or any thing that you might need to share on this week.

The Ninth Promise

“Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us”. Searching around in my mind for a topic, this is what settled with me. All the Promises have materialized in my life except … economic security. I constantly feel I am either doing or not doing something ‘right’ here. I’ve been sober a long time, yes, and I don’t mean that I am afraid of losing what I have in terms of financial security. Rather, I mean that I never truly have enough!

Now, this has something to do with me being a single mother for many years, and us surviving on one income. Bringing up a son and attempting to give him the best I can costs not just in emotional terms but in financial terms. And I also think it has to do with my being an underachiever, which is still there to a degree with me. I’m getting older (a youthful 61, I like to think!) but I have so much still in me in terms of unmined talent, I feel, if I am being honest. I would like to put any gifts I have to good use before I expire lol.

Money – materialism- has never been to the fore of my mind. When I walked away from my marriage in 1981, the year before I got sober, I walked away from a beautiful six-bedroomed home, and financial security (my guilt at the time stopped me from pursuing what would have been rightfully mine as half of that partnership, but that’s water under the bridge now). If I had stayed in that marriage, I would never have gotten sober, I do believe.

And sobriety has brought me undreamed-of rewards in terms of a wonderful peace of mind, healed relationships, self-knowledge, ability to go out to others, an education to post-grad level, the chance to be a mother again, but not the job that might have come with it, bringing increasing financial security.

I’m asking God as I understand Him, lately more than ever, for guidance and awakening in this area. I lost my job of twelve years recently and am about to attend my second interview about going self employed e.g. private tuition, proofreading, community association classes. I’m not naturally a business-headed woman so I’m a little apprehensive about this!

What are your experiences around financial insecurity/security? Are you an overachiever or an underachiever? Do you feel there is potential within you that has still not been realized (I guess this relates to last week’s topic here- the woman I would like to be).

We’re all different- and that’s good! My strengths might not be yours, and your might not be mine. So, I invite you to share on your strengths and weaknesses in this area 🙂 I remain teachable, thank heavens, and I have much to learn.

The Woman I Always Wanted To Be

Before sobriety I was that hopeless “victim,” expecting everybody to take care of me, be responsible for my actions, and meet my needs! I honestly thought the world owed me a living and that I was that “hip, slick and cool” chick who lived so very spontaneously and was a rare human being — and definitely the most popular! I had it all — so I thought!

The funny part about this today as I look back is that I had to make MANY geographics, as when people got tired of my “act” and stopped taking care of me, I had to move on to new proving grounds!

My life, as it were, changed drastically when I entered the rooms of AA and a very tough and feisty woman became my sponsor! She started talking about my Ego!!! “What is that?” I thought. “Not me! I don’t have an ego!” Wellllllllllll, she immediately started me working the Steps, which I did not do honestly the first time around! It wasn’t until about my 2nd year of sobriety that I actually got down and worked our beautiful Steps thoroughly and honestly — which totally changed my life! I started my journey from “her majesty, the baby” to the emotionally mature woman I always wanted to be!

I recently read in a meditation that to the Greeks, excellence was achieved when people became all they could be. And accomplishing that meant finding as many balances in life as possible. Their ideal, unlike ours, was “moderation in all things”!

I have found that my only opponents are my own deficiencies! And to understand my own personal brand of self-defeating thought patterns is to be forewarned!!! The survival of my self-esteem requires adaptation!

Successes, like disappointments, are opportunities for surrender. I have to remind myself that I will never fully experience how positive is this moment of success if I move right into the next available negative emotion!

Today I celebrate a success, large or small! I am becoming the woman I always wanted to be!

Are you the woman you always wanted to be? Are you on the path of being the woman you always wanted to be? Are you the woman you don’t want to be?

Dealing With and Accepting Loss

Hi everyone, I am so honored for this opportunity to chair the meeting this week. To tell you the truth, this is the very first meeting that I have ever chaired so I am a little nervous. First of all, I would like to say a big welcome to all the new members. I wish you many blessings on your journey.

For this week’s topic, I would like to share about what is going on in my life. My family and I are dealing with a great loss. My cousin has been fighting cancer for almost ten months now. The doctors are now saying that there is nothing more that can be done. She has refused hospice so we are stepping up to the plate and taking care of her. The cancer has spread to basically everywhere in her body, including her brain. She is not the same person that she was before; I don’t even recognize her anymore. Her personality is distorted; it is like she isn’t even there. She stares out into space and falls asleep in the middle of things. Every time she falls asleep, I fear that she is going into a coma. My heart stops every time that happens. She needs help doing everything; as a result, taking care of her is a 24 hour job. She needs help going to the bathroom, taking a bath, and most everything else.

The other day I gave my cousin her medication; she took it again by herself. I felt so responsible because I should have been watching her better. I am very angry that she won’t get the help that she needs, but I know I have to let that go. It is her choice and this is what she wants.

It is very hard to watch someone you love slip away and know that you can’t do anything to change it. My emotions are all over the place. I am trying to stay strong for everyone and trying to take care of myself all at the same time. It is very hard to do, and I’m not good at it at all. I am dealing with it the best way I can but I feel like I am failing. I am so grateful that I can be here for her and that I am able to take care of her. My accepting of all this comes and goes. As soon as I give it to God, I take it back. However, I give it right back to God again.

My biggest fear is that after she dies and everything settles down again, I might pick up a drink. I am already so very overwhelmed with everything that is going on and I now it is going to get worse. I already don’t want to feel.

I know this is a lie that I am telling myself, and I know drinking will only make things worse, not better. It is truly a blessing to have this program and the blessings that come along with it. I am a miracle and so are all of you women. I would love to hear how you have made it through losing a loved one, a job, or anything you can think of. We are strong women and with help we can make it through anything. Thank you so much for listening and helping me through this.

Honesty

I have had some “growing” recently regarding honesty. I try rigorously to be honest and yet, others do not. It is very hard to accept this when their dishonesty directly affects me. “How it Works” has been helpful to me in accepting others decisions…

“Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty.”

In my own life “the truth will set you free” has been proven time and time again. Once I got honest with myself, great things happened 4 years ago!!!

Please share your experience, strength and hope when it comes to being honest with oneself and others.

What does a sponsor do and not do?

* A sponsor does everything possible, within the limits of personal experience and knowledge, to help the newcomer get sober and stay sober through the A.A. program.

* Shows by present example and drinking history what A.A. has meant in the sponsor’s life.

* Encourages and helps the newcomer to attend a variety of A.A. meetings — to get a number of viewpoints and interpretations of the A.A. program.

* Suggests keeping an open mind about A.A. if the newcomer isn’t sure at first whether he or she is an alcoholic.

* Introduces the newcomer to other members.

* Sees that the newcomer is aware of A.A. literature, in particular the Big Book, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, and Grapevine, As Bill Sees It, Living Sober, and suitable pamphlets.

* Is available to the newcomer when the latter has special problems.

* Goes over the meaning of the Twelve Steps, and emphasizes their importance.

* Urges the newcomer to join in group activities as soon as possible.

* Impresses upon the newcomer the importance of all our Traditions.

* Tries to give the newcomer some picture of the scope of A.A., beyond the group, and directs attention to A.A. literature about the history of the Fellowship, the Three Legacies, the service structure, and the worldwide availability of A.A. — wherever the newcomer may go.

* Explains the program to relatives of the alcoholic, if this appears to be useful, and tells them about Al-Anon Family Groups and Alateen.

* Quickly admits, “I don’t know” when that is the case, and helps the newcomer find a good source of information.

* The sponsor encourages the newcomer to work with other alcoholics as soon as possible, and sometimes begins by taking the newcomer along on Twelfth Step calls.

* Never takes the newcomer’s inventory except when asked.

* Never tries to impose personal views on the newcomer. A good sponsor who is an atheist does not try to persuade a religious newcomer to abandon faith, nor does a religious sponsor argue theological matters with an agnostic newcomer.

* Does not pretend to know all the answers, and does not keep up a pretense of being right all the time.

* An A.A. sponsor does not offer professional services such as those provided by counselors, the legal, medical or social work comunities, but may sometimes help the newcomer to access professional help if assistance outside the scope of A.A. is needed.

*The sponsor underscores the fact that it is the A.A. recovery program — not the sponsor’s personality or position — that is important. Thus, the newcomer learns to rely on the A.A. program, not on the sponsor.

Summary

Most present members of Alcoholics Anonymous owe their sobriety to the fact that someone else took a special interest in them and was willing to share a great gift with them.

Sponsorship is merely another way of describing the continuing special interest of a seasoned member that can mean so much to a newcomer turning to A.A. for help.

Individuals and groups cannot afford to lose sight of the importance of sponsorship, the importance of taking a special interest in a confused alcoholic who wants to stop drinking. Experience shows clearly that the members getting the most out of the A.A. program, and the groups doing the best job of carrying the A.A. message to still suffering alcoholics, are those for whom sponsorship is too important to be left to chance.

By these members and groups, sponsorship responsibilities are welcomed and accepted as opportunities to enrich personal A.A. experience and to deepen the satisfactions that come from working with others.

I took several paragraphs out of the pamphlet for AA Sponsorship to discuss for our meeting this week.

I have had a bumpy road when it came to sponsorship, because I was looking for friendship and approval, and I choose someone who had common interests, and not worked all 12 steps. Other times I put too much dependence upon my sponsors and relied on them, not the AA program. In both cases, although, I became dissappointed with the results,

It wasn’t the AA program that failed me, it was choices based on self, that failed.

In each case I walked away stronger in program values, having learned valuable lessons.

Please share on what strikes a cord in your heart, or anything else you may need to share about.

The Spiritual Life is Not a Theory

I was listening to a CD in the car on the way to my home group this morning. The speaker has been sober for a few 24 hours and was talking about the quote from the Big Book: “The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it.” I would like to share with you how I have been doing that during this past year.

As many of you know, I’m not new to AA. I started in AA in September 2008 when I went to outpatient treatment for 5 weeks. I relapsed at about 5 1/2 months and then got a new sponsor. I worked with a great sponsor and started working on my 4th step. I was going to a lot of meetings in my home town (at night).

I had about 18 months of sobriety when I met a man in AA at one of my meetings. Long story short, I had an affair with him for 6 months, relapsed twice, didn’t listen to my sponsor and to my next sponsor. I nearly lost my husband and children. I was so spiritually sick, that even after my husband found out about the affair, and we were in therapy together, I continued to try to make contact with this man. It finally ended once and for all in 2012.

I continue to this day to go to women’s only face-to-face meetings. My husband and I are still together and are still in therapy. I was trying to fill that hole inside of me with not only alcohol, but then this relationship, and then with binge eating of sweets. I have had several more sponsors since. Unfortunately, I also have relapsed several more times after that. I went back to the outpatient treatment program in December of 2012 for 5 weeks and then relapsed again April 4, 2013.

Looking back, I realize that I only thought I was living and working a spiritual program. I certainly wasn’t working an honest program! I thought that I could do everything on my own – that I really didn’t need to listen to my sponsor; I didn’t need you women in AA; and that I certainly didn’t need to work the Steps and rely on a Higher Power.

I kept taking my will back and was not doing God’s will. I thought I knew what was best and what was right. As the Big Book mentions, self-reliance fails us, and self-knowledge is not the answer. I thought that I knew better than each of my sponsors. I lost a few sponsors because of the bad decisions that I had made. I even lost a sponsee because of my thinking and bad decision making.

So what is different now? Well, I am living a spiritual life- I am living “in the solution.” I’ve been working with the same wonderful sponsor since last September. I meet with her weekly, and she reads the Big Book to me. We started from the Table of Contents, and are now reading about Step 4 in “How It Works.” I have a home group that I go to every Saturday morning. My sponsor goes to that meeting as well. I have surrendered completely to my Higher Power and have honestly and thoroughly worked and continue to work Steps 1-3 on a daily basis. I am working on my 4th Step presently – even though I balk and procrastinate, I know that I have to do it and have to get it done.

I pray every day and ask my Higher Power for help to do His will and not my will. I ask Him to help me be of service and to do the next right thing. I am now a co-chair for my Saturday women’s home group- so excited and so grateful! I’m excited to be a trusted servant here at GROW, and I also do service work at my other online women’s AA group. I try to get to one to two face-to-face meetings during the week, and I go to meetings on the weekend. Lately, since starting my new job, I’ve had trouble getting to meetings during the week.

My life is far from perfect, but it is so much better than when I was drinking. I have some great women friends in AA. I have a wonderful relationship with my two children – age 14 and 17. I’m so grateful that I can be there for them and not be drunk and hung over. I can be a good example to them. Both of them are at that age when peer pressure is so big! They both have seen me relapse multiple times – even though they were 9 and 11 when I started AA. They totally understand and remember much more than I thought. My marriage has improved so much, and we continue to re-build our marriage. I am slowly but surely getting more and more of my husband’s trust back.

I have a much stronger relationship with my Higher Power, who I call God. I know that He always has my back. I understand better that it’s not about my will, but it’s about what God wants me to do. I just need to keep doing the footwork. I am not in charge – He is – which sometimes I still have trouble with.

Part of me still wants to control the outcome. It’s especially difficult when I am feeling more anxious and overwhelmed. I just have to remember that I am not alone – I have my Higher Power who will take care of me. I also am getting better at reaching out to other alcoholics – whether it be a phone call, a text, or Skype/email. My sponsor reminds me to always reach out to the newcomer and to get her phone number.

Lastly I would like to end with the acronym H.O.W.: Honesty, Open-Mindedness, Willingness. I know that these three “essentials” have helped me so much get to where I am today. A woman at my home group told me today after I gave the lead, that she could really see how I have changed and how I have been working the Steps. Wow!! The tears started to flow! I believe so much more in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I know that it does work when I work it!

Thank you so much dear ladies for letting me share and be of service. I appreciate and love all of you! Please feel free to share on “The Spiritual Program” and how you work it in your life, and about the “essentials of recovery”. Or you can share on whatever is on your mind.

Trust in God’s Will

I played the victim of circumstance prior to my arrival in AA. You fellow Alkies taught me that much of that circumstance was of my own making. I stepped on plenty of toes and people naturally retaliated just like it says in the Big Book. I had an unhealthy dependence upon others to a great extent too. I really wanted everyone to tell me or reassure me somehow, that I was in fact, a good person on the inside. I just did not feel much of anything but fear and insecurity as a youngster and that continued on into my adult life.

I had unrealistic expectations of others and of myself. I spent a great deal of time and energy manipulating the outcome of stuff. By stuff I mean my interactions with others both in the workplace and at home. I wasted a great deal of energy on this little project, not realizing that God had a plan and, by seeking His/Her will, I would end up exactly where I was meant to be.

I frequently ask myself today: “Where is God in all of this?” That can be anything from unexpected changes in the course of my everyday life to the big stuff like unforeseen illness and injury. I spend a great deal of time seeking God’s Will today. Often that means I must remain patient and wait for the next indicated thing. In the early days of my sobriety I could easily find God in nature and in the eyes of my children. It was harder to find God in a vindictive employer or a physical calamity.

I have had plenty of hard knocks in sobriety – enough that I cannot possibly detail them in this share. But suffice it to say, I have not had to drink over any of them. For that I am eternally grateful to the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and especially the women of AA. I have been a bit of a broken record of late. It is in the seeking of God’s will that draws me ever closer to my Higher Power.

Most of the time I only need be in the present moment to find God, and subsequently God’s Will. It is pretty simple, but there are some things in my life that do require some “foot work.” Take for example this employment opportunity in Florida. I have no idea what my husband I are to do about it. So we do nothing.

I continue to pray and offer the decision making process up to my Higher Power, trusting that He will give me discernment in His time. Oh Gosh. Patience is something that has come with practice. As I mentioned earlier, the old me prior to sobriety and in the early years of recovery worked very hard to figure out and sometimes manipulate the outcome. I am much more trusting of the process today. It is not so important for me to have all the answers today.

It is far more important for me to stay in today and let life reveal the outcome! With big life stuff, like moving, jobs, illness, injuries, etc. I take the easier, softer way. I don’t drink and I go to meetings and my Higher Power speaks to me through others. So my listening skills have gotten better over time.

If I can quiet all that goes on between my two ears, I have a better chance of hearing the cues from a God of my understanding. If I am in turmoil, not paying attention or otherwise preoccupied it takes me a whole lot longer to get to where it is that my Higher Power has me going! In other words, let God drive the bus. I always come back to that. It is a matter of trust really.

My primary goal is to live in trust you see. And this is not just a blind trust. After many years of trying my own way and running into walls, and coming back to surrender and testing God’s Will over and over again, I can take measure.

His way is infinitely better than anything I could conjure up on my own. I feel so blessed today to have been able to internalize that as fact. To finally be at peace and rest in the awareness of His Grace is something I sought for as a frightened child and as a frightened adult.

To finally arrive at a place of serenity is quite amazing. Thank you for your participation in my sobriety. I thank each and every one of you. Life is not always “easy peasy”. It is full of challenges and ups and downs. Trust in God’s Will and all will be well as we trudge the road of happy destiny. Relax and take it easy as you bask in the sunlight of the Spirit. Just for today. I’d love to hear what you have to share on the topic of Trust.

From Non-Believer to Faith

Today, I have chosen the few paragraphs on page 36 of the 12 and 12 describing our journey from non-believer to one with a strong faith in a higher power.

Respecting alcohol, I have to be dependent upon Alcoholics Anonymous. But in other matters, I must still maintain my independence; nothing is going to turn me into a nonentity. If I keep turning my will and my life over to the care of Something, I will remain a nonentity. I will be like the hole in the doughnut.

This is the process by which instinct and logic seem to bolster egotism and frustrate spiritual development. This kind of thinking takes no real account of the facts, and the facts tend to be these: the more we achieve reliance on a higher power, the more dependent we are on God, the more independent we actually are.

We compare our lives with electricity: we know that when we flick a switch, power will start to flow and electricity will operate lights and appliances automatically, making our lives more stable and secure. We are more comfortable and secure as power flows just where it is needed.

This passage on page 36 of the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions reflects AA’s influence on those of us who have chosen this path and a blueprint for living without alcohol or drugs – living life on life’s terms with our own capabilities and ideas. All the while we know more and more each day that a loving God protects and guides us every step of the way. AA says: “I can’t, He can, I think I’ll let Him.”

Please share with us your thoughts on this integral part of Step 3, our step for the month of March. Tell us how you went from reluctant to believing in God to maybe there really is a God to Yes, of course, a Higher Power runs the show and I am his faithful servant. He is the father and I am the child. Share with us your own personal experiences. Ladies, the floor is open for sharing.

Keeping character defects in check

I was hoping to hear some ESH regarding how to keep those pesky character defects in check. I struggle with this a lot, and my job seems to bring out the worst, especially my tendency to feel inadequate.

God Consciousness

“Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, and direction from Him who has all knowledge and power. If we have carefully followed directions, we have begun to sense the flow of His Spirit into us. To some extent we have become God-conscious. We have begun to develop this vital sixth sense.”
-Alcoholic Anonymous p. 85

This year has been amazing. I have gone from a withdrawn, sick, and suffering woman to one that is free and sober. Little did I know that becoming sober was only the beginning of a new way of living, and that I would begin a journey of spiritual awakening. Each day brings new awareness of my Higher Power.

I try to stay very close to him/her as I know I cannot do this alone. Reading the Big Book each day, praying, and meditating, listening to all of you who share your own journey through your shares here each day, and sticking close to my sponsor, has been my “school of sober spirituality”.

The quote above says that we will receive strength, inspiration, and direction from our Higher Power. We will become God conscious. So, my question for you this week is:

How do you sense that God consciousness in your life? What does it mean to you to have developed that “vital sixth sense”? What does this look like in your everyday lives?

Acceptance

In the beginning of my program, I often asked myself why did it take me so long to find AA? I’d become a bit envious and in awe when I’d hear that members were celebrating their 5, 10, 20, 30, 38. and more years of sobriety. I soon realized that because of my stubbornness and self-centeredness, it took me longer than others to accept that I had a problem.

When I came to AA, I learned about acceptance through the Serenity Prayer. Acceptance is key for me. I accepted that I was an alcoholic and could not manage my own life. I tried to control my drinking for at least 25 years, and I tried to control my kids, husband, and anyone else that appeared interested in what I had to say.

My sponsor told me that first I had to put the drink down – that was hard – but I was desperate and was willing to accept anything in order to stop. At this point, I was scared that I would not be able to stop. I shared this in my second meeting, and I heard you say. One day at a time. I thought One day? I don’t know if I can go one hour.

I accepted that there was no other way, and if I wanted what you had, I needed to try. As the fog began to lift and I began to work my program, I understood that acceptance was key for my sobriety. You are teaching me to accept the fact that I don’t have control over anyone or anything. Only God has all the power and control.

I apply acceptance on whatever comes my way on a daily basis. The Serenity Prayer, my daily mass, and The Third and Seventh Step Prayers get me through those difficult moments and to live life on life’s terms.

Being accepting helps me keep peace of mind; my relationships have improved; and I am more positive and try to keep my side of the street clean. I claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

Sisters in GROW, I feel blessed to have found you, Share this week on how you apply acceptance to your daily life, and you are free to share on any other topic of your choice.

Carrying the Message

Over the last week or so, I’ve been thinking a lot about this last week’s topic, “Listening”, and relating to how important it is to accept and bring in the messages that are provided to us in this program. I’ve also heard and read a lot about some of us who are still suffering, and thinking about how my own personal story includes a strong inclusion of self-created chaos and feeling like a victim for most of my life.

I drank in part because I thought “I deserved it” for all the bad things that had happened. I used alcohol as an escape, and justified that because I had a victim mentality. AA and the steps have taught me that I do not need to be a victim anymore.

Through working this program and carrying the message to others, I empower myself and can let go of the victim mindset. I can stop feeling sorry for myself. Yes, bad things do happen in our lives, but alcohol does not happen to me, and I have the tools through this program and all of you to be strong and shift the focus from “poor me” to empathy for others who are still suffering.

This is Step 12 work, but in reality, I think the sooner we can work through the inventory of our faults and our past sufferings and shift to focus outside of ourselves, the sooner we can start to really live and stop suffering. We don’t have to identify or label ourselves based on things we did or that happened to us in the past, and if we carry that message of hope to others, we can be free ourselves.

I have been in and out of these rooms for 16 years, but two years ago on February 24th, I found GROW and really committed myself to this program. While I still had to go back out for a few more minor lessons after that, so this is not my formal 2-year “AA Birthday” (that shifted to January last year), it was the time that I really opened my eyes, started listening, and started to get this program. I now work daily on my steps, and carrying this message forward to other alcoholics and, through that work, feel a peace I never dreamed possible.

My question/suggested topic this week, is how are you hearing the messages, and more importantly how are you shifting (or have shifted) to losing the shame, victim mentality, and sorrow that we enter these rooms with, to carrying the wonderful message of hope and promises forward to other alcoholics?

Listening

When I came to AA 17 years ago many things amazed me. It was difficult not to be overwhelmed. One thing that stands out is listening, with the help of my sponsor and other AA friends this alcoholic learned after 47 years on this earth, to listen!

Listening is my ability to have a conversation with someone or be in a group and hear, consume, and understand what everyone is saying.

I am not saying that my listening abilities became finely tuned overnight but that my awareness of my lack of listening skills was brought to my attention as something to be worked on. One very bad habit was being so concerned what I was going to say (the great I AM!!) at a discussion meeting, that what others said went in one ear and out the other. Working on this character defect helped immensely, and it shocked me what could be learned by paying attention. My sponsor had me sit in the front row at Speaker Meetings so my mind would not be distracted, and I would listen to everything that was said.

In my home, my husband quite often is heard to say: ‘I told you that yesterday, weren’t you listening?” and I do admit that if I’m reading or at the computer and he tells me something, quite often it goes over my head – not even in one ear and out the other! Still working on that, and as we both are senior citizens, memory loss does come into play at times. But if I cannot give my life partner my undivided attention (he is not that demanding!), then I need to make an amends and work harder at truly listening.

So ladies, this week I’d love to hear your experiences with listening or whatever you feel you need and want to share!

Setting Priorities and Living in Today

I have been having a hard time keeping up with all the emails lately and haven’t been as active with GROW as I want to be. I realized yesterday that I’m actually working 3 jobs – I have a full-time day job at a bank, I work as a ghostwriter at night, and almost all the time that I’m not working, I’m babysitting my 3 grandchildren because they have a deadbeat dad, and my daughter works opposite hours from mine.

When I first got sober, some people would insist that I had to do 90 meetings in 90 days. Back then, there were no online meetings, so a newcomer had to go to f2f meetings if she wanted to learn how to live life sober. As a single parent at the time (which I am again – a single parent and single grandparent), I was definitely unable to do 90 meetings in 90 days. Yet the program was the #1 focus and priority of my life. When I couldn’t get to meetings, I read the Big Book and the 12 and 12 daily, along with several daily meditation readings, and books such as “Living Sober” and “As Bill Sees It”. I would pick up the phone and communicate with other recovering alcoholics. I would write in a notebook my fourth and tenth steps.

Lately because of all that has happened – the death of my husband in 2012, the end of my daughter’s marriage a few months after that – I think I have been having a hard time putting my priorities in the right place. I have started to isolate and become unfocused.

Believe me, even though I have gone 26 years without picking up, I haven’t forgotten where I came from, and I know that I’m only an arm’s length from a drink and complete self-destruction. And one lesson I learned years ago is that a SLIP means sobriety loses its priority.

Another hugely important lesson for me in recovery has been that life is manageable when I keep it in 24 hours. I only have to live one day at a time. I don’t have to worry about the things I have to do next week or next month. I only have to set priorities for today, this one 24 hour period.

I’d like to propose as a topic “Setting Priorities and Living in Today.” How do you make your recovery the #1 priority in your life? How do you keep your focus on just today?

Handling Stress in Sobriety

Whatever traditional topic I might have picked just days ago, life has completely overwhelmed it.

A few weeks ago, my elderly mother’s room flooded and she had to be moved. Very upsetting for a woman with dementia. A few days later, she came down with bronchritis and has not recovered yet. Then I got sick and had a difficult week. Living alone while ill is not fun. Then just about the time I started feeling better, my little cat got sick again. Emergency trips to the vet and the heartache of fearing euthanasia.

This is just life, but it has been very stressful. A few years ago, my remedy would have been simple – a few beers. Then a few more. And more. I’d have forgotten all about the stress. I’d probably have forgotten to check up on mother, too. Then I’d have postponed the trips to the vet. Everyone would have suffered, but my stress levels would be down – well, until the hangover at least.

So, how is it different today when there’s no six-pack to resort to? I’m still stressed, and the relief is neither simple nor quick. I talk about it with other recovering alcoholics. I go to more meetings. I pray a lot. I take one step at a time one day at a time. I do the right thing first and forget about the results of my actions. I leave the results to my Higher Power, and I go on with my day. I don’t get all wrapped up in what might happen tomorrow or what I could have done better yesterday.

These actions do not make the stress go away, but they make it much easier to deal with. I keep living day-to-day without the drama and extreme emotion of the old days. I don’t have to handle hangovers or regrets. I can keep doing what I need to do one day at a time.

In stressful times like these, applying the 12 steps becomes critical to my serenity and my ability to cope with life on life’s terms. Having practiced for a long time now at practicing these principles in all my affairs gives me a strength and resilience that did not exist when I was drinking. Having the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous gives me a source of strength to deal with the stresses of the day and much more healthy than a few six-packs.

How do you deal with stress in sobriety? What are your remedies? How do you deal with stress in your life today?

11th Step Prayer

For this week, I have chosen the topic of the 11th Step Prayer. I say the Third, Seventh and Eleventh Step prayers every morning before I get out of bed. Doing something daily runs the risk of becoming rote for me. A few weeks ago I was thinking about the word “principles” in How It Works, and the thought came that actions that show our program principles are described in this Eleventh Step Prayer.

This prayer is, of course, also known as the St. Francis of Assisi prayer. In our AA literature, it is on page 99 of the 12 & 12.

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace — 
that where there is hatred, I may bring love — 
that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness — 
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony — 
that where there is error, I may bring truth — 
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith — 
that where there is despair, I may bring hope — 
that where there are shadows, I may bring light — 
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather 
to comfort, than to be comforted — 
to understand, than to be understood — 
to love, than to be loved.

For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. 
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. 
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life. 
Amen.

I have heard it said that this step may be worked by everyone, newcomers. We may pray and meditate at every point in our recovery; there is no need to wait until we get to Step 11! Thinking about the meaning of this prayer is a form of meditation. Breathe deeply and think about each phrase. . .

I would like to know how you have put this prayer into practice and what were your results. Is there a way that you have found to bring love where there is hatred? forgiveness where there is wrong? harmony where there is discord? truth where there is error? faith where there is doubt? hope where there is despair? light where there are shadows? joy where there is sadness?

How has it worked when you have tried comforting someone rather than seeking your own comfort? understanding someone else before seeking to be understood? loving another rather than seeking love from someone else?

I do find myself — my truest self, the way my Creator creates me to be every day of my life — in self-forgetting. Forgiveness works in this paradoxical way of forgiving myself and working to forgiving others; in forgiving them I’m better able to accept, tolerate, and forgive my own humanness. I don’t know about Eternal Life — I’m not there yet!

From the bottom of page 101 of the 12 & 12: And let’s always remember that meditation is in reality intensely practical. One of its first fruits is emotional balance. With it we can broaden and deepen the channel between ourselves and God as we understand God.